Marriage Counseling - Andover,MN

I would reccommend counceling. My husband and I went and sometimes we look back and wonder why we needed it. It must have helped.
:)

Kudos to you for wanting to try counseling! Most of the time, it seems as though some couples just give up on marriage! Counseling works, IF YOU BOTH WANT IT! I had counseling with my first marriage, i wanted it really bad, but the ex didn't. So unfortunately from my experience, it didn't work for us.
Divorce is horrible! And it is even worse when you have kids. If you both want to stay married and work it out, then try counseling! It just might work for you. Good luck!

In my opinion, even good, solid marriages need 3rd party counsel sometimes. My husband & I found free counseling at our Church. We go to a Bible Church & the counseling we received was Bible based. The counseling fixed more than just our surface problems. There is an organization called NANC that certifies counselors (like at our Church). I believe they are nationwide. If you're interested, go on their web-site to find a counselor in your area. The web-site for "Focus on the Family" also was helpful.

Totally agree with Natalie B and Nicole on the counseling and Dr. Laura's book. Check out the reviews of her book on Amazon, there are a few on there that will give some enlightenment on how women felt about their hubbies, then made a few changes and saw that those little changes helped.

Counseling is good for some mediation.

Sorry Ann-Marie, but I would have to disagree with you politely. It does not teach a woman that "it's all her fault". It teaches women that they do have power with in the relationship to make changes. Small changes matter to marriages. It's to self-reflect on what I am doing with in the marriage and not to blame everything on the husband. If it the small changes work, then the marriage will work... if it doesn't, then there are probably bigger matters at hand. What is so wrong with trying to be kind to a person who is going to live with me the rest of my life? She doesn't advocate abusive situations and makes that pretty known in the book. I think self-reflection and self-examination on what I do in the marriage and how I contribute to my husband without thinking he is just another child I'm caring for is how to get started to a better marriage/partnership.

Good luck!

Ok, My husband and I are in counseling now and it is working wonders. I am not a churchy person but, We got the Minister from our church to counsel us and it is free. But it helps us alot. He helps us see things from another point of veiw and has us working together again and not against each other. He is not real churchy about either he is usually pretty blunt about things. I also go to church every week which is more than most people, but this may be a path for you also. My husband and I werent even this close when we first fell in love. We are so connected now and respectful to each other now. It has helped more than any counselor we went to. Which we have been to 4 different ones prior to this. We were on verge of divorce but not now. I recommend you find a counselor together that neither of you have seen on your own by yourselves because they tend to lean towards the one the counselled before. Good Luck and I hope all works out for you 2. You loved each other enough to marry each other and respect each other and that is still in there and it IS worth fighting for!

I would absolutely recommend trying counseling before making the decision to divorce. BUT- you need to BOTH want to make things work. That means both of you have to be committed to the counseling- sharing and listening and talking about your problems honestly and then COMMITTING TO CHANGING them. That is where a lot of counseling fails, in my experience. Not because of the counselor or the process, but because one member of the marriage is not really committed to changing their behavior.

I am probably biased about this, because my ex husband and I went through months of counseling, both marriage and financial and he nodded and smiled and said all the right things in front of the counselor and the finanicial consultant- and then just kept right on behaving the exact way he always had as soon as he was out of their office!

Unfortunately, I think this is often the case, especially when someone is a habitual liar. But I don't regret going to counseling AT ALL, even though it did not 'save' our marriage. I know that I went with total sincerity and that when I decided to leave my husband, I could do so knowing that I had done everything I could to try and fix our marriage.

If nothing else, counseling showed me that my ex was not going to change his behavior, no matter how well he understood that it was ruining our marriage. It was a wake-up call to me in a lot of ways. So yes, absolutely try counseling and I really really hope it works for you. But remember, just going to counseling is not going to 'save' your marriage and you working alone cannot do it either- it will take BOTH of you to do that. Best of luck and god bless!

Sounds like us! Only thing, we were married ONLY 4 MONTHS and found ourselves in counseling. So, I would DEFINITELY give counseling a shot. We are now at 1 1/2 years (not much I know) and things are SO MUCH BETTER. I had a daughter that was 5 when we married so we had MAJOR parenting conflicts, now we also have a 7 month old son...
My best advice to you... You can not change your husband, no matter how hard you try... the ONLY person you can change is yourself. You are fully capable of changing the way YOU respond (not react) to every situation in life, not just with your husband, and by choosing the positive and "higher road" you will make HUGE differences in your marriage. I struggled with this for a long time "why do I have to do all the changing, he has problems too!" but truth is, only HE can change his problems and if he's not willing to DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOU DOWN TOO. Woman have a HUGE pull in the marriage and I can guarantee that if you start focusing on YOU (not selfishly) that you will see your husband start to change too, or at least inquire about it.
We still have problems come up, but I do not allow myself to let my husband blame me for his stuff. Just 15 mins ago, he asked my opinion about something, if I was mad about him doing something, I told him I was a little irritated and felt it is a wast of time and he started to get mad at me. My response "look, you asked MY opinion and I gave it to you, if you want to be mad at me because I don't agree with you that is YOUR issue not mine. I am able to have my feelings and you are not allowed to tell me that I can not feel a certain way." End of story.... he later apologized because he KNEW that he was in the wrong.
So, it is possible to fix this, don't just give up. Promises/Commitments are too easily broken now days. You fell in love for a reason....
we went to counseling for about a year. Then I decided that I didn't want to spend the money anymore (we were going individually every week and as a couple every other week also, it was EXPENSIVE) and I got involved in a support group for woman at my church called Mending Hearts. It's been AMAZING to have a support group that I can count on for support and in site into some of the stuff I've been dealing with. Anyone, there's another option too. Sorry for my LONG rant... I hope you find it some what helpful.

PS: some books I thought were VERY helpful are Boundaries in Marriage (or just Boundaries too) The Five Love Languages and for parenting (I'm reading this now) Different Kids Different Needs and also the Five Love Languages for Kids. GREAT BOOKS!

I would look into reading some of Dr. Laura's books. One that I like that helped me in my marriage was The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. My husband and I also watched the movie Fireproof. That was about marriages. Good movie! They have a book that goes with it and a journal. The journal is called The Love Dare.
Just remember that love isn't just a feeling. It's an action. You have to show love everyday and then your feelings will follow. Don't give up on your marriage. You made vows and commitments. For better or worse. This may be one of the "worse" times in your marriage. I know you can do it. Don't give up! Good luck!

before you dive into marriage counseling, you and your husband should purchase "tale of two brains" by mark gungor... its a dvd. hes VERY funny and entertaining and very good at describing the difference between men and women. :) hes like a marriage counselor himself. hes GREAT.

but dont give up! :) people grow and change, and theres always a way to help that growing and changing bring you together, not apart. :)

I don't think counseling helps much. Only you can change you. I think couples usually want to go to counseling so the other will see the light. If I had to do counseling again we would only do Biblical based counseling from our Pastor.

My husband and I were on the verge of divorce 2 years ago. I changed, and it changed him. Spend $30 and read these books before you pay for counseling : The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. If you can do this you will save your marriage and your money.They are miracles.

My husband completey changed into a different person, just by me changing a few small things. It's wonderful. You made vows for better or worse. People forget this. They love the better and divorce at the worse. People should be true to their word and promises. Divorce hurts everyone around you. I came from a divorced household. I'm so glad I fixed my marriage so my children can grow up with their mommy and daddy in the same house.

I hope you can save your marriage.

J.-
My ex-husband and I tried counseling. There were two things that made it not work for us. The first was that I believed he wanted to go and actually work on our problems. That was wrong. He wanted to go only so he could say he went already and not have to go again during the divorce.
The secondary item that made it not work was that we did not have a good match with our counselor. She was too weak to take control of the interviews. We went three times and because it would just deteriorate so badly and so quickly into a complete disaster that I took that as a sign. Had I known he wasn't as committed as I thought, I might have tried to find another counselor who might have actually been able to help.
As other people have written, make sure you BOTH want to go and are committed to working on your relationship and then find the right counselor for the two of you.
Good luck!
J.

My husband and I did marriage counseling awhile back. It was wonderful. We already had a good marriage, but there were a few subjects of dispute that was straining the relationship. We went to our Pastor, Mike Verway of First Calvary Baptist of Inver Grove. He is an AMAZING marriage counselor. Don't get my wrong, he's tough, but he gets you right back on track. In fact, we're better now then ever before!! I would highly recommend him. He's in India this month, but will be back in April. Let me know if you want to get in touch with him. I'd be glad to help in any way I can.

I was never a big fan of counseling... but now I am.

Your husband does need to want to go/change - that is important. If he is not as vested you need to go too. I have the name of someone just outside the twin cities that I can recommend. Send me an e-mail and I'll follow up with you. Good luck. SMK

Yes - go to counseling! My husband and I have been, and it has been great for our marriage. It has also been great for both of us individually as it has helped us be more aware of why we do certain things and how the other person may not understand why we do it that way. Our communication skills are not the best - we work on those every day, and counseling was a tremendous help for us in that area. I would definitely recommend at least trying counseling. One recommendation though, visit with a counselor at least a couple times before you make a decision as to whether they are the right counselor for you. If they are not, try another counselor. Just like in relationships, you mesh better with certain people than others. Counselors are no different. Good luck and I hope it works for you guys!

It was years ago but counseling definitely helped us negotiate parenting and so many relationship issues (I wonder how other couples manage without)~ although we had to go through 3 to find the right fit. Get referrals from a trusted source.

We have done marriage couseling several times during our nearly 20 years together. It has always helped.

One tool we use often is making an appointment to talk. I wll say to him at some point "Can we meet at Xpm and sit for a couple of minutes and talk about X?". We followed this format in a session where I said something and he repeated back to me what he heard me say then said what he thought about that, then I would say back to him what I though he said and make my comment about that. It sounds confusing but it was SOOOO informative, he and I talk in different languages if you can tell anything by what happened the first time we did this exercise. The therapist had us face each other and told me to tell J something nice about him. I told him I thought he dressed really nicely. He repeated back to me that I thought he was ugly if he didn't have on a suit. Talk about confused!!! We learned how to communicate with each other so the other person was getting the message we meant.

Another tool I learned from this therapist was understanding how men process their world. She told me to imagine a long, long, long hallway with multiple closed and locked doors on each side. This is a mans brain. When he goes into one of those rooms he has to decide which one, then find the key to unlock the door, open the door, close the door, lock it, sometimes mulitple locks, then sit down and prepares for the task he is starting. He is going along doing his task and he hears some noise off to the side. He finally realizes it's the wife telling him to do something, he placates her and starts shutting down his task, he puts it away, he cleans his area then goes to the door and has to select a key to unlock the locks, then opens the door, then goes out into the hallway, closes the door and relocks it, puts the keys away and then tries to remember which door he has to go to next.

Sound confusing? It really helped me to understand how to talk to him, women's brains are a huge well lighted room with short little dividers about a foot tall between each area that she can jump over multiple times a minute and she can see every inch, even the farest corners.

I think this one counselor helped us to communicate better than anyone else. But we have gone to others too and gotten back on track every time.

I recommend you see the therapist individually at first and then have one joint meeting at least each month. That way each of you can air your grievences and can have that outlet to express your thoughts and fears by yourself. This also helps the therapist to learn about each of you and put together a big picture of your differences and strengths. They can focus on issues that are the most important to both of you and help more that way.

Yes on the counseling.
No on the book by Dr. Laura. I honestly don't know why people buy into that stuff. It's demeaning to men and anti-woman. I have a great marriage and "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" almost ruined it for me. I believe that it takes two to keep a marriage alive and this book teaches women that it's all their fault.
I hope you find a wonderful counselor who can help you!

EDIT*** I am seeing a theme with those who advocate the book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". They all appear to think that counseling is inferior to the book. For reasons that counselors are "feminist" or because one person want the other to "see the light".

Please, please go to counseling! A pastor is a great choice! There is no ulterior motive in counseling and they won't push you toward divorce.