Marital Satisfaction After Baby. Does Counseling Work?

Hi M., I really recommend the book "When Partners Become Parents" by Carolyn Pape Cowan and Philip A. Cowan. It's not a how-to book (in fact it's a bit dry, being a study) but is fascinating and will help you identify patterns and plan for the changes ahead.

I think counseling can definitely help my Aunt specializes in this very thing. Maintaining intimacy and happiness in marriage after baby. She helped my husband and I as well.
If you would like her contact info I will gladly provide her office is in the john's landing area of SW portland on macadam. There is a good book called and baby makes three that focuses on this very subject.

I would suggest reading "And Baby Makes Three" by John Gottman and also attending a "Bringing Baby Home" seminar.These are taught at various locations in Seattle. One of them being Swedish Hospital or Gracewinds. The seminars are less expensive if you don't take them directly from the Gottman Institute. However if you prefer you can take the seminar directly from Gottman. For more info go to http://www.gottman.com/parenting/baby/ or do an internet search for bringing baby home and the name of the town you live in.

Hi M.! I'm J.. What makes you think you need a
marriage counselor? Sounds to me like you are just experiencing what EVERY marriage goes through...you just need to be patient and loving the best you can, and wait for the sun to shine again! It will, too. I've been married for 23 years, and had four kids in five years. Having kids really takes a LOT out of you, and for heaven's sake...you are
working an in-home business TOO? Give yourself a lot of
slack, and I know it's hard for you to do this, but TRY and
tell your husband how you feel. I bet he's working hard, too,
and he doesn't feel like Mr. America, either!
Love is a commitment you made to each other, for BETTER OR FOR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH (it should say ON BAD
DAYS AS WELL AS GOOD DAYS). I think all us hard-working
mommies just get run-down and that leads to depression and
it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you
are in the middle of the tunnel. Hang in there, and make
sure you eat well and get enough sleep (don't laugh...if
you think you'll NEVER get a good night's sleep again, trust
me, you will). It never hurts to pamper yourself just a little!
I hope this helps you. Don't give up! You didn't marry to
quit, you married to make this thing work.
Feel free to write back if you want to.
You're NOT alone.
:>) J.

M.,
I have never been quite in your shoes. I have been a SAHM for over 7 years. It has been heaven and hell. My father-in-law lives with us which complicates the relationship of everyone in the house. My husband has always been easy going and I have always been the stressed out train wreck from hell. My husband always teased me about sitting home all day eating bon bons while watching soaps. It made me feel like the worst person in the world. I found a work from home business. It was a sham and robbed us of thousands of dollars and robbed me of time with our children. One day my father-in-law and I had a talk. I told him that if I needed to make a financial contribution to the family otherwise I wasn't contributing at all. (I truly felt that that was what my husband thought of me.) His response surprised me. He said,"Your contribution to this family is taking care of the children." A 70 +yr old had to bring things into perspective for me. He saw daily how difficult it was to take care of a baby and myself and the house. My husband got his taste of a stay at home dad when I went back to work for 1 week when my maternity leave was up and I went back to officially quit. It was difficult. Needless to say, he was happy to go back to work. Now, 7 years later, he is still happy that I'm a SAHM. I expressed my feelings about what he thought and how it made me feel. He listened and acknowledged that what I was doing was healthy for the whole family. I don't know if that will work for you or if counseling will work. Start journaling each night about what went on that day and how you were feeling. Go as far as writing him a letter; with the intent of not giving it to him. Yell in the letter, call him names, say whatever you need to say to get it off you mind. Then go to him and ask him the honest question if he wants you to stay home or go back to work. You both have agreed that staying home is best, so maybe he is jealous because he's missing out. My husband read an article that proved to the both of us that being a SAHM saved us a ton of money. Good luck.
A.

Hi M., my husband and I have been married 5 yrs now (I was 20 also, he was 21) and we have an 11 mo. old daughter. I just went back to work, but I know how you feel because I was feeling the SAME way when I was staying at home. I would ask your husband to sit down with you and go over all the things you do in a day besides taking care of your daughter. Let him know that you are not feeling satisfied and maybe a little underappreciated, or alot, whichever it is. Tell him that you'd like to try to show him what you do, and that for 3 days, you will stop doing all the stuff you did besides taking care of baby, then you will do all that stuff for 3 days and at the end of each trial period, ask him if he notices a difference. I hope your husband does come to apreciate and respect what you do, and that things work out for you both. It took my husband quite a while to realize that I do alot in addition to caring for our daughter, but now that he is SAHD for 2 days/week, he has a whole new apreciation for all the work it takes to run the house and have it look halfway liveable at the end of a day caring for a little one.

I feel like if you can find a good counseler, one you both like and preferably a man (more likely to make your husband more comfortable) its always a good idea. Its a "safe" environment to deal with the issues AND its a sceduled and uninterrupted time to do so. It has done wonderful things for our marriage and we were not horribly bad off, just frustrated at the lack of connection and communication. You also need to do date night. A movie is fun but not really good for working things out or reconnecting. A long dinner at a quite restrant or a nice scenic drive can really improve things at home. if you cant get out once a week have a night in where you watch a movie, eat a late meal, or play a board game after the kids are in bed. Emailing has also worked very well for my husband and I when the time just isnt there. It gives us a way to express our thoughts and concerns without being interrupted and can be done even while apart. Phone calls work well too as they can be done while commuting or while kids are napping or otherwise destracted.
about him not understanding what you go through, having him watch the baby for a day is a great way to fix that. He will understand how time consuming childcare plus housework is but also it gives you a break and givs him connect time with his child. Good Luck, Jen

Hi M.,
My husband and I experienced the exact same scenario. I'm a SAHM to a 6 and 3-year old, and am building a business part-time from home. Once I started working on the business, I found less time to do housework and meal planning, two of my responsibilities as a SAHM. Husband would come home after a long day to find a mess and cold pizza. He started working later, I'd get resentful, he'd get resentful, and it just built up to where we could hardly speak to one another. We finally sat down and asked each other, "How can I support you?" He was totally supportive of my business, but we needed to find some BALANCE so that he felt I was supporting him and vice versa.

We wrote down the things we needed from one another: I needed him to pick up after himself more, be home by 6 at least twice a week and cook meals on the weekend. He needed me to stay on top of housework, make sure we had food to eat, make him lunch every day (to save money). I made myself a schedule: housework on specific days; business work on specific days; exercise, kid activities on specific days, etc. (I find it easier to compartmentalize my life, obviously!) We both know that we need to keep up our end of the agreement to stay in balance and keep up our support of one another. It's working, and our marriage has never been better. Talk about this stuff, write it down and keep it in check. Good luck!

Hi. We tried something a little different and it really helped. Online counseling courses that you can watch together or alone. I watched some alone, and then had my husband watch some with me. It was great because after having our third kid we were drifting apart and needed to put things back together, but we weren't sure how. http://strongmarriagenow.com/coursedetail/3 helped. Plus, they run a special where you get 75% off if you will give the company feedback on the courses. We are doing great now, I can't believe how much in love with him I am again (after 11 years of marriage). Good luck!

I think that you both should look at whether you or he has depression issues. Also, try each telling the other what you need from each other, what you want, and what you expect. A lot of new fathers (especially ones with wives that stay at home) feel like their wives don't need them for anything but money, and they feel neglected (or second best to the baby) physically and emotionally. Be sure you are affectionate with your hubby even if you don't feel like it. Ask his advice on parenting issues even if you don't need it. Leave him alone with the baby for an entire Saturday with a list of chores that need to get done and let him try to balance it all. That is what it took for my husband to see that my days were not all play and TV like he was imagining. Keep in mind that you husband does want you at home with the baby, but he is probably spending his whole day at work wishing it were him that gets to stay home.

Yes, counseling can work, and yes, it does get better if you two can just ride it out without damaging the relationship. Most important is the first thing I said about communicating your needs. He cannot read your mind, and you are not reading his.

I think many husbands whose wives stay at home can have difficulties understanding what their wives sacrifice to raise children. While extremely rewarding, staying home with the kids is also A LOT OF WORK! Don't you just want to cry when your husband comes home from work after you've had the day from hell and says in an irritated voice "So what did you do all day?" My husband finally began to get a clue when I had to be in the hospital for three days (it was an unexpected emergency, so there was no time to arrange for babysitters). He had to take off work and care for our 5 month-old son. Let me tell you, he was exhausted by the time I came home! It really gave him a much better understanding about what I go through every day. My advice would be to hand your daughter over to your husband for a weekend. Go visit friends, go to a hotel, whatever, just get away! If he is not experienced enough to handle her on his own, enlist a mom, sister, or trusted friend to be on-call and look in on him a few times. Other than that, maybe try a few sessions of counseling. Having a third party to help you communicate REALISTIC expectations can be really helpful. My husband really expected that if I was "home all day" i could be the perfect housekeeper and everything would be spotless and a piping hot dinner would be waiting for him on-the-dot at 6:30 when he walked in the door. He is slowly realizing that this is not reality. Good luck!

Well I just want you to know that it is perfectly normal what you are going through with your husband! I am mother of two boys one on the way. I remember feeling such resentment of my husband when he got to go to work all day and then when he got home didnt really want to help with our first we fought all the time. We too also have had alot of unresolved issue that we toss under a rug and then whe i have had it they come up again. I wish i had the answer to your problem but i just want you to know i think it is very common in even the best of marriages. Here is what we now try to do at least once or twice a week...after the boys are in bed we sit and just talk about stuff whether it be issues between the two of us or stuff that is bothering us. He has no idea what it feels like to be home all day with the baby so yu need to find a way to make him relate to what your life is like. Maybe try and leave him with yoru daughter for the weekend and you take a girls weeknd or you go to a spa alone...then he will have some idea...To them it looks like playing but all stay at home moms know that deep down they need a break and some understanding. anyways i know i am nothe best at advice but know you are not alone!!!

My husband and I experienced some similar frustrations and entered couples counseling about 9 months ago (at the suggestion of my regular therapist). It has been extremely beneficial, especially in acknowledging each of our needs and wants and figuring out how to communicate. Key lessons have been carving out regular times to connect just the two of us - a "date night" every few weeks, plus short one-on-one conversations several nights a week after our 2-year-old daughter goes to bed. We also have a weekly "business meeting" to get all our scheduling & planning stuff out of the way, separate from connective conversation. Things are of course still hard sometimes but we have better tools to handle them together, and a session with our counselor every 3 weeks to address them if we need help from a 3rd party.
One other great thing is that our counselor really emphasizes the importance of us each getting alone time to pursue our personal interests/wants. I have often felt guilty in the past asking for this, but I've gotten better about asking for me time and have discovered that even a couple hours every few weeks makes a huge difference.
Even my initially skeptical husband admits that the counseling has been helpful.

Hi M.. I am a mother of five (ages 4 - 19) and married for 26 years. As you can imagine, we have had our ups and downs. One of the BEST resources you can get to get your communication and connection with your husband where you want it to be is a book called "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Families" by Steven R. Covey. It teaches each person about how to listen and support the other so things can open up and calm down with everyone. I got each of our reading age kids and my husband and myself used copies at the bookstores in Bellingham. We go over them together each week. Cheap and wonderful. Good luck. There is so much beauty and satisfaction in having a wonderful marriage. It doesn't need to be a battle or a drag and you can truly be best friends! Take care.

U NEED TO KNOW THAT IT IS TOTALLY NORMAL TO HAVE A DECLINE IN MARITAL SATISFACTION AFTER A BABY. Your lives have dramatically changed and a big adjustment in the relationship is normal. Life often feels tedious for both people. I would recommend getting out for dates on a regular basis. You need to feel free to discuss stuff without the usual constant interruptions. You need to feel the love that was there before kids.

I would try expressing how much you appreciate your husband working and accentuate how important it is to your family unit. Send him notes in his lunch and tell him. I would let him feel a day with the kids from dawn until dusk. He needs to walk a mile in your moccasins sister! He is not feeling appreciative of your immense!!!! contribution. Our society doesn't appreciate our contribution either (see Moms Rising). All the studies show how huge a child's entire life is effected by their upbringing from 0-5 y/o. Do some research into how important that time is, what is important to give them, then research how much it would cost to replace you if you died (we did this to figure out how much life insurance to get). You are immensely valuable and you need to see just how important and valuable you are! Get busy on this stuff and see how your relationship is effected, without the cost of a therapist!
Seek out a local Moms Club, you need to talk with and connect with other moms on a regular basis. You are in a trying time in marriage. For better or for worse. Hang in there. Easier times are coming. Try seeing the glass as half full not empty and looking for an escape route.

M..
Hello from C. Ford in Gold Bar!
Maybe you just need a friend to hang out with somtimes
Im 37 and new to area by 2 years this May! My Husband David is 48!
We both ski at Stevens Pass, and work for American Airlines
I work at Sea-Tac airport, and have Tuesday througe Friday off at this time!
David is a Flight attendant who cummutes to Miami for 8 days at a time to work! in other words he is gone 2 weeks a momth! If you want to come over and hang out, or just need a friend, email me at ____@____.com
Dont mind you bringing your child over, but have to warn you I have a 4mth old Siberian Husky! Im looking for a skiing Buddy also for when my Husband is out of town!
As far as the age differance, as a 37 year old, Im pretty active! Have no children and love the outdoors also!
Let me know ok!
C.

My husband and I were married for 4 yrs before having our daughter, and have now been married for almost 9 years. Marriage is a constant roller coaster, but having a neutral thrid party to talk to, who can relate to both of you in imperative!!
We found a fantastic counselor named Shauri Bunch, she's located in the Pearl, and not cheap...but even an occasional meeting will help you in ways you never imagined!!
Best Wishes to you!!

I can truly relate to what you are saying. My husband and I went through the same thing after our first child and it was hard. I was also a stay at home mom and I can say that counseling did wonders for us. It taught us how to communicate and showed us underlying issues that we weren't even aware of. Getting a baby sitter at least once every couple of weeks will also help. We as parents tend to concentrate so much on the happiness of our children that our marriages suffer. In reality though if we concentrate on our marriage first we are in turn happier and become better parents. Keep your communication open. Talk about whats going on and how you are feeling and come up with possible solutions together:)

Hi M.,
I am a young mother of now 3 and I am only 25 and I experienced the same thing from my wonderful husband till he took on my role for 2 days when we still had just 2 kids. Those 2 days that I went away was a gift for me from several family members that knew I needed some time off because it was only 8 months after I had brain surgery and I was already 7 months pregnant with another little boy, which was very much not on purpose. I even wrote down our routine for him so that he'd have something to go by, which he thought he wouldn't need and that he would have no problems and could take care of a few other things he'd been meaning to take care of, but guess what, he had to call in for help from his sisters the next day to put things back in order. Since then he'll begin to tell me what I need to do around the house, or ask me why I haven't done this or that, all I have to do now is give him a look and he'll say sorry and ask me if I would do those things if I get the chance. So to answer your question about counseling, I wouldn't spend the money on that until after he gets the chance to experience a couple of your days, that worked for me.
~A. S.

well, you can't expect your husband to understand what you really do all day unless he spends a day or two in your shoes. You probably wouldn't have a clue about his job unless you tried it out a couple of times. His understanding about what goes on day to day with you is the same way. So, if you can, have him spend a weekend or at least a full day at home with your baby so he can experience it all. Make sure it's also a day with other things that you would normally do, laundry, vacumming, cooking, etc. If he doesn't want to experience this, you can't force him, but it's worth a try. Make sure you stress how much it would help him to understand you more.
Also, you need to make time to be with your husband and share some quality time. This is a time where you reconnect, remember why you got together to begin with, and just refresh your marriage. I know you probably would rather not mess with arraging childcare but this is so vital it's well worth it. Your daughter needs her parents to be connected. So arrage for alone at least once a month, if not more often.
And remember, don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short to spend on arguing. Treat every moment with him as if you might not see him or talk to him again. This will help put things into prespective. Hope this was helpful!

I think everyone has probably said this but here's one more post to let you know you're not alone! 7 months, that's a tough time! I remember I wasn't getting very much sleep at all and when you're not sleeping it's so much easier for little things to devolve into a big fight. It's also really hard for two people to get used to the dynamic of three. It also can be hard for a working dad to understand it's not all bon bons and roses when you're at home with the baby. I was "lucky" as my husband was recuperating for surgery the first 8 weeks and saw how hard it could be! It's also hard for SAHMs to understand that it's hard for dads to work and come home to work some more. My husband and I try to give each other time away. I go out some nights and try to give him a weekend morning on his own most weekends. That seems to give us some space and we can come together a bit easier without resentment.

I also don't think counseling is a bad idea at all. Sometimes it can be good to have a neutral third party to listen while you guys get your issues out on the table. We went to counseling before we were married and I think it helped a lot. Also, it's tough to get in the mood when you're tired as hell but we try to just make the time. It's important and you'll be happy you did!

Counseling does work. Also relise that there will be many stages in your relationship. Some of them you won't like him very much! Children always add more strain too. Do attempt to communicate what you realy do all day, and recognize that he is still working hard too. Let him know that a relaxed happy wife is more likely to seek "relations" so doing the dishes for you= a turn on!
My hubby and I have been together almost 13 years. We are very happy and I'm only 30 ;).

A new person in the marriage really shackes the boat. My hubby and I are in therapy right now and it is a blessing. Also there are several books that really helped us. Dr. Gottman from the gottman institute has wonderful materials. Do an online search and you will find a lot of help. The gottman institute website is my favorite.
Good luck!

Hi,

I have been married 17 years. We will have a total of eight children in september.

Please, Please, Please never forget that marriage takes hard work and it truely is worth it to stick it out and make it through the rough times.

I even came close to divorcing my husband around year seven. The problem was that I was focusing on the negative. I am not sure what it was that made me turn around, but I started looking at everything positively and fell in love with my husband all over again. (I.E. Instead of getting mad when he was grumpy and having a temper tantrum, I looked at how tired he was from working AND going to school and how he always made sure we are provided for. Then I worked harder so there were less things around that annoyed him. It worked! When he saw me working harder, he wasn't as grumpy and even started apologizing for his tempertantrums. Hence we grew to work together.)

Getting to know your spouse takes longer than you think. KNowing you can't change them, but letting them know how you feel may make them want to change habits for you.

I do not know about counseling per se because we have never had the income for that. I just know it takes a lot of give and take and hard work to remember tat you spouse should be your best friend and confidant at the same time accepting your differences.

J.

ps.- Kudos to you for wanting to stay home as long as possible. I truely believe that kids are more emotionally secure when Mom does not work outside the home. I had more problems with my first four kids when I was working than I do now staying at home. My husband has a stressful job and needs to decompress when he comes home. So my kids need me to make sure that their routines are met every night and hence they feel more secure.

Wow. You're in a tough spot. Because of your age when you married, you're also in the 85th percentile for likelihood of divorce so I think it is fabulous and speaks to your maturity that you are seeking out options to fix your relationship before things get to the point of no return.

I don't know if this is your cup of tea, but I would recommend reading the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. When I read it, I found myself reading passages to my husband that sounded SO ridiculously simple and asking "is that right?" or "is this REALLY true?" And my husband said yes pretty much every time. After I read it, I gave it to my hubby to read through and highlight the parts he thought were especially important. He did.

We did counseling, but I have to say the book made more of a difference - if for no other reason that it really got us to talk about what was important to each of us and what made each of us happy.

I think counseling works...it helped my family for a time....what helped more was that we prioritized our relationship ABOVE raising our child...this meant scheduling for time to nurture each other...spend time just being in the same room together without any interruption for at least an hour...baby steps to doing this will probably make leaps and bounds to help your relationship...I hope. It did ours. We also take time to give each other time out to do what we want...I also joined a MOMS Club to share adult time with other moms and not feel so isolated at home. Best wishes...I think we all have similar struggle with what you wrote about.

I have not had counceling along with my husband, yet but if yours will go take advantage of it!

Also, take time out for the two of you, this does not mean having to leave your baby. Stay up a little on the weekends and snuggle and watch a movie together. Do the things that were romantic when you first started seeing eachother. Have a real talk about what things would make the both of you feel loved by the other.

Also your baby will only be small for a short while. Find support from other moms so you are not depending on him for it all. Another thing that might help is starting a gratitude journal ( especially if you both would do it) and write in it each day a little.

It is hard to balance everything! Do all you can to let him see what it is you do during the day, thing of it is he has never done the job and cannot possibly understand! Get him as involved as you can and do what you can to help the family too. I think it is great you have found ways to make $ from home!