My husband and I have been going through difficult times in our marriage. We argue a lot, and many times end up saying hurtful things to eachother. I feel very alone and sad much of the time. I approached my husband with the idea of marriage counseling and he said he would absolutely never consider it- he doesn't want to talk about his feelings to a stranger. I then suggested that we set aside one night each week to read some type of marriage counseling or communication type book.....to my surprise he actually agreed! So now I just need to find the right book. I have heard that the 5 Love Languages is a good book. Any other suggestions? He said that he doesn't want a religious book. I just want it to be something that will hit home for him (and me).....this is as close to counseling as we will get so I want to make sure we get it right! Thank you in advance for all suggestions and advice!
Thank you for all of the wonderful suggestions so far! I will def look into each of these books. Maybe after we finish one, we can move on to another one (wishful thinking I know). I do know that I need to work on myself as well....the way I yell at him sometimes it's no wonder it's hard for him to show me love. I do own The Power of a Praying Wife and I plan to reread it (the fact that its been collecting dust for 2 years is a testament of my neglect). I know that I need to work on my relationship with God as well. The fact that I have been distant from Him lately is playing into this a great deal I think.....so one book I will definitely pick up again is the bible. My husband is not religious (and lately seems to be bordering on atheism) and so I know that when he sees me, a "Christian" act the way I do, it is a horrible example for him. So I will work on that on my own, and hopefully with us working on communication through reading together each week, our marriage will be strengthened. Thanks again for each of your responses!
This is less about making a marriage work and more about communication, but I have found that it helps in all relationships and I very highly recommend it:
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
HI M.
Good for BOTH of you!!! The one that most therapists use-- and really is an eye opener for both partners.
The 7 principles for making marriage work-- by John M Gottman
Gottman can tell in 15 min based on these principles, if a couple will have issues. I'm reading it again as a refresher myself- sadly we were one of those that didn't............when you enlighten -it takes 2 to make it and only 1 wanted it.
It's an easy read-- give it a shot-- great insight.
Much Success!!!!
B. J
about me-- wellness coach, perfusionist, mom with 10 yo fraternal twin girls.
I would recommend Love and Respect by Eggerichs. But if he doesn't want religious it may be too much. References Ephesians 5 and a few others. Still a good read for you. Eggerichs also has a book cracking the communication code. I don't know if it would be less Biblical basis.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, by John M. Gottman, Nan Silver
Real, practical skills for understanding your marriage and making it work. It includes exercises to do together as a couple. Based on 30 years of research as to what makes marriages work. Read the reviews on Amazon for more info. I strongly recommend this book!
I hope you find great books! Definitely have him watch Fireproof. Apologize for the fact that it is a Christian movie to him, but ask it as a favor. My husband, the biggest atheist on earth was bawling like a baby when he watched it. It's got good messages for any married couple.
To bad he doesn't want a religious book. The Bible would be my first choice. I know that it has guided my marriage and I can't think of anything better.
"The Five Love Languages" Awesome book!!!!
Fireproof the Movie and Book also the Bible is a great resource and lots of prayer alone and together. Just google fireproof the movie they have a whole web site. Good Luck I will be praying for you both.
Hi Gaby! I was just making a suggestion to another Mom in the same situation as you are. (sort of speak).
I would like to suggest getting the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron in it. His character goes through a rough patch with his wife and they consider divorce. His father gives him this book with everyday rules to follow diligently, and his father said to follow those rules no matter what. Kirk's character was skeptical and wanted to give up only after a few attempts. But his father encouraged him to keep trying....and he does. It ends up that he is able to renew the love between him and his wife, and build a stronger foundation in their relationship. My husband and I watched this movie, and even though it's a bit slow, it has great information as to how to keep a marriage healthy. :-)
I encourage you to get this movie and watch it with your husband. :-)
Best wishes to you.
Fireproof, DVD and book.
Take a look at "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Good luck!
I would start with The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura
It has all sorts of good suggestions for upping our game as wives. This will let him know you are open to owning your part and doing something about it. If you start with yourself, he might be less defensive about working on his stuff. I am impressed that you are one of those rare people who work hard to make the marriage better in stead of giving up. Take Care!
I think the Five Love Languages would be perfect. It is fun bc you get to take a test and see what your language is and hey we all like to learn about ourselves ;) Then you get to learn about your spouse's language which is fun too and it is amazing what you don't actually know about them. My husband really enjoyed hearing about my language. I think it is not too heavy a book to start off with but will help and you can both enjoy it together. Have a good time, wish you the best!
If your hubby is scientifically oriented, the best author is John Gottman, as he has studied thousands of couples. A great, researched-based, user-friendly read is The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work.
Another great one is Harville Hendrix' Getting The Love You Want. He has some Christian principles but overall the book is about looking at how your background story influences your relationship and what to do about it. It's great because it teaches you how to LISTEN to each other.
You might also talk to your husband about doing a communications skills group. This is a different thing than counseling, as it is a skills-based, rather than an emotional releasing, group.
I have two recommendations. The first is Love and Respect. You can actually do a DVD of a live conference that is based on the book. It is good. The other is What Did You Expect. You can use the book or DVD. Very good. Both are Christian based, but the principles are applicable to all marriages. The Love and Respect video addresses the fact that many people listening/watching/at the conference are not Christians. He talks about the crazy cycle so many people are on: I won't show her love because she won't respect me the way I need her to. I won't show him respect because he won't love me the way I need him to. And he asks "How's that working for you?" It's really good. I hope you two find some good help.
men are from mars women are from venus a must have for all married and unmarried people.
For him: "FOR MEN ONLY" http://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inne...
For you: "FOR WOMEN ONLY" http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/159...
(You can sneak a peek inside the book by going to amazon links above)
Of course, my husband has never read his book. I read mine and was like "oh well that's easy" or "hmm. Never really knew that about men" very easy and quick read. Granted, it does have some religious aspects from what I remember. I think they say they surveyed often Christian men. I don't remember seeing scripture in there. I forget. My book is packed away or I'd browse thru it real quick for you.
I agree with the Five Languages of Love. Also get "His Needs Her Needs"...very good book.
Good luck!
.
I would try "His Needs Her Needs". Be thankful you have a husband who is willing to try.
"Power of a Praying Wife" is an excellent book for you. And "Power of a Praying Husband" for your husband. You can GOOGLE it to read some of the book's reviews. I wish you luck.
the 5 love languages is an awesome book! We have it and it's really great. Another one that is also really great is called His needs her needs. Although I think it is religious based. But maybe just go and look at it yourself and skim through it at the store before you buy it. It has helped us out SO much in our 10 years. It really has helped us to understand each other a lot and know how to take care of each others needs.
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura helped me quite a bit. I read quite a bit of it out loud to my S.O. and it helped both of us.
One of the first things it suggests is to change. You know that thing that really irritates him? Change it. For us it was what I eat. I know my health would be better if I would just change what I eat, but I didn't want to go to his extremes. It bugged me that I was being bullied into it.
So after reading the first chapter I took the plunge and told him that I would go vegan for 1 month. 2 months later I am still vegan and he is right, I feel way better and I've lost 30 lbs and have more energy and I'm not getting headaches, and blah blah blah. lol . . . I hate it when he's right.
He also has made some changes. The thing I asked of him was to spend more time with his son. Not just be in the same room with him, but actually interact with him. Now he is taking him to the playground which has the double bonus of giving me some alone time to clean up.
It is definetly the journey though. It's easy to just say, hey both of you make a change. But the things she says in the book, I think, were really the big motivator for me to do it and stick with it. Life is getting better. Still pretty rough, but better.
Good Luck
Melissa
Several have mentioned the movie "Fireproof", I am currently reading a book called "The Love Dare" based from the movie. Each day you read a chapter (there are 40) and at the end of each chapter, it gives you a 'dare'. Examples are: forgiveness, trust, honesty, jealousy, etc. These are to get you out of your comfort zone and make you focuss on your partner in ways you maybe don't normally. Also, I saw someone mentioned "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands". I haven't read that one, but did read "Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage" by the same author,....A MUST READ!!!!! Great for strengthening a wonderful or needs work marriage, or just in a realtionship and wanting to make it the best it can be. Five Love Languages is a good read too, but found it to be more learning about your own and your patners love "style" vs. a help type book. Although, if you are completely in the dark about your spouses 'style' it gives you a bit more insight.
I am divorced and remarried. I was married the first time to my high school sweetheart and was married for 13 years. Had I read those books before I decided to end our marriage, things may have been different. We fought constantly about any/everything...daily. Don't get me wrong, I am wonderfully happy now, but given what the books taught me, it definatly puts a whole new light on how "I" looked at things at the time. Good luck to you.
You have gotten some really great suggestions, the only one I have is to find a book that speaks to you and or your hubby. I suggest you go together to the library or a bookstore and look through the books together. If the books don't speak to you then it won't help if it's just sitting on a shelf collecting dust. But don't be too concerned if you can't or don't finish each book, it may be that only portions of the book speak to you.
Good luck to you both.
You've gotten some good suggestions. Absolutely watch "Fireproof" together next date night (be sure to make time for date night even if it's only once or twice a month - it is well worth the trouble of getting a sitter). Since you mentioned your yelling - YOU should read The Surrendered Wife - fantastic book, easy read, lots of very useful info and it explains how things we don't even realize we're doing are making the situation worse.
These have all been mentioned so far, but I cannot recommend them enough:
Love and Respect (www.loveandrespect.com)
The Five Love Languages
Power of a Praying Wife- this book is great for you, even if your husband says he doesn't want any religious book. This is such a powerful book. It starts with changing your ways before God can help you change his ways. Good luck and God Bless. Marriage is hard, but is always worth fighting for.
A.
