Making Yourself an Even Better Mom - 2 Part Question

Yep, little bit needy :) Mine are, too. I got wise with this last one and he plays on his own really well, but I reserved the things I love (long reading times, bedtime snuggles, etc that other people thing needy/overdone as my special privlege.

Hello, because You are addressing this question. It already makes you a great Mom.

S.:

I know how hard it is....I'm a SAHM and my kids 9 and 11 want me to play with them - I usually do - but as you know - the stress lately has been a tad high and it's not as much "fun" for me...

Yes, it's normal for kids to want mommy over daddy...sorry...when they are older - tweens most likely - they'll want daddy...maybe!! :)

How do I make myself a better mom? Take a deep breath and let it out slow when I'm frustrated or upset. yelling and screaming at them isn't going to solve anything...and it makes me feel horrible when I do yell at my kids...I also LISTEN to other moms on here and in "real" life - the ones I talk to on the phone - because sometimes you learn a trick you didn't know before....

You can't let things slide with hubby....kids will watch your every move and listen...even when you don't think they are listening....they DO...kids need to know that parents have arguments and make up...it's vital. my parents RARELY argue so as a kid, I didn't know how to fight fair or argue....does that make sense? when someone got mad at me - it was the end of my world...kids see parents arguing - but it shows them how to communicate and that it's NOT the end of the world when they argue...

Part 2 - I make sure I take my medicine every day and work to make sure I am healthy so I can be around for them!! Don't want my ticker to stop ticking before I'm ready for it to quit!!!

Does this help?! I think you're a great mom!!!

One of the best things you can do for your kids as a mom is to have a good relationship with your husband. It's very tough when the kids are young since they want you all the time and you feel all used up by the time you get to your husband. But kids learn about what a marriage partner should be and what a marriage should be based on how their parents are with eachother. When my kids were younger my husgand and I had some very tough times. He's a NYPD sergeant and often works long hours (post 9/11, the 2003 black out, holidays, any kind of emergency) and was pretty selfish for many years. The coldness of our relationship and the arguments took their toll on our kids. They had some very rough times that I know were in part due to the conflict and coldness at home. Home is supposed to be the safe place for kids where they escape the stuff of the world and feel nurtured.

God has been good and we've been through a lot of stuff over the past 3 years - family illnesses and death, auto accidnets, etc - but it has all served to work in our marriage to make it stronger and to mature us both - particularly my husband. He is now a different person than he was 4 years ago - only by God's grace. Our marriage is stronger than it ever was and our kids are in a better emotional place now than they've been in years. (They are 15 and 12.) Do whatever you can to carve out time for your marriage - nurture it and even if he's not being the husband he could be or you'd like him to be, be the best wife you can and watch how he responds. Men respond to respect, women to love. That was a huge thing I needed to learn.

As for your kids being "clingy" my kids have always been the same way. My 15 yr old will still, on occasion, ask me to lay down with her when she falls asleep. We all like to lay all over eachother on the couch while we watch TV - which is why we bought a sectional - so we all fit! My 12 yr old son still likes me to lay down next to him as he falls asleep many nights - less all the time and I know that it's coming to an end. He plays football, baseball and basketball and is a tall good looking kid but still loves his mom and will give me big hugs and wants to put his head on my shoulder - as long as no one is looking. ;o)

I do think it's normal for kids to want to be with their mom - but yes it's exhausting. I learned to multi-task. When they wanted me in the bathroom while they bathed I'd read the newspaper, the Bible or a book. When they all wanted to laydown together at bed time the older one would come in to the younger one's room and we'd lay on the floor. I'd pray with them as they fell asleep and I'd walk the older one to her bed while she was sound asleep!

These days are fleeting and before you know it they're in high school, talking back, slamming doors and telling you they can't wait until they're 18 and can move out. (hahaha!) Then 20 minutes later they recall all those nights that you cuddled them to sleep and they come, hug you and tell you they're sorry for being a brat. ;o)

It's a season of your life that will pass - I promise. Take your vitamins, get as much sleep as you can - relax your housekeeping standards (I can't even tell you how much mine have "relaxed" over the years!) and realize that you'll blink and they'll be grown up and you'll look back on these exhausting years as sweet wonderful times. ;o) You can always vacuum or mop the kitchen floor another time - but your kids will only be at this point in their life now. There are no do-overs and you get one shot with your kids. You can have an immaculate home once they're grown up.

Hug those kids, savor the moments and give your DH a big wet smooch - then go take a nap! God luck mama!

Part One:
In the summer, I let my children wake me up at 7:30 and snuggle in bed with me and make tents with the blankets. They love that, and it’s a nice way to start the day, all together. (During the school year, I go wake them up by slowly opening the shades to let in the natural light and then laying down with them and rubbing their backs for a minute while they wake up.)
I make sure that I keep our family rhythm going. I do not often allow things to alter the rhythm of our day. Children feel safest and most secure when they know what is happening next. We get up, have breakfast, do chores, and then they go off to play outside while Mama gets some alone time.
We always eat meals together (though my husband can only join us for dinner).
I have lively “discussions” with my husband in front of my children so that they can learn that differences CAN be expressed and issues resolved without one of the parties involved calling the other a “big meanie” or storm off, crying, to their bedroom.
I am always consistent with my discipline. My children know exactly what consequence to expect for any given mis-behavior.
I put them to bed every night and lay with them while I hear their prayers and talk for five minutes about all the things they wanted to say or questions they wanted to ask during the day, but didn’t get the chance to.

Part Two:
I find that if your children want your attention, and you give them half an hour, you can then get about an hour or so of time to yourself – they’ll play on their own after getting the attention they needed. And you can just tell them that. Say, “Okay, let’s play ____________ for a little bit before Mommy has to go do ____________.” Then play the game for half and hour, and get up and say, “Okay, I have to go _______ now. You can keep playing this or find another game to play.” And they may just want a little of your time for themselves, so make it a ritual to lay with them for five minutes each at night, so they can talk to you privately. Make this a habit and they will know what to expect (and that you will not be laying with them all night).

You sound like a very normal (great) mother – just like the rest of us! Keep up the good work!

I don't have anything I do to make me a better mommy - wish I could think of something. My younges twos kids (almost 3 and 7) sound like yours. They won't go to the bathroom or take a bath by themselves, they won't stay downstairs if I have to go upstairs for something..they have to constantly be right there with me. If I'm cooking, my youngest wants me to hold her...and so on. My SO tries to help but that just makes it worse because then they cry.
I don't really have any ideas but I'll definately read your answers to come up with some ideas.

I hear you!

My kids are 1.5 and 3.5 and they always want mommy. I have been figuring they will outgrow it soon, (at least the 3.5), but sounds like maybe they won't! My son is the oldest and as my daughter grows he's getting more mommy territorial. If she sits on my lap-he wants to sit on my lap, etc.

I also work f/t, and feel so torn!

It's taken time, but the thing I try the hardest to do to be a better mom is just shelve evertthing when I walk in the door. Luckily my husband does the cooking so I can change my clothes and just play with the kids. I'm trying to get my son to be a bit more independant by enouraging him to play alone, but he likes the company even if I'm just there in the room.

I lay down with him every night as he falls asleep too-and I started that cuz i love cuddling him.

It's all going to go so fast and so soon they aren't going to want us around-I'm already having THAT anxiety! So I guess I'm indulging not just them, but me too.

I think we just lean into it-I do think some kids are needier then other, but I also think/hope they will be more empathic adults who will have patience for others since they will have had patient parents. OR, maybe I'm totally screwing them up and they will never move out and live in our basement. Ugh-Not!

Ha on NPR just now they are talking about 'being a good parent'.

I just try to slow down and be more patient every day - my daughter is almost 4 and she is a little chatterbox, plus she wants to do everything herself. Often her talking and getting distracted by something get in the way of getting things done quickly. So I try to be careful about not being in too much of a hurry.

My daughter is often the same way as your kids - she wants to be around me ALL THE TIME. If I need to just run upstairs to grab something, she wants to follow. If I am trying to get dressed after taking a shower, she wants to watch. She wants me to cuddle her ALL NIGHT LONG and never leave. Our day is full of "Mama, I want to tell you something!" and "Mama, I want to show you something!" and "Mama, watch me do this!". Funny thing is, she's one of the most independent kids out there and she has never had an issue separating from me for preschool and such. I just try to set some reasonable limits and not let her act so attention-starved all the time when she gets plenty of attention from me. I won't tolerate any whining, that's for sure. It is wonderful and exasperating all at the same time. But they need to learn that we have needs too.

Rather than trying to stretch yourself even more, take more back for yourself whenever possible. Give yourself some time alone to take a break and recharge your batteries. You really will be a better mom for it.

I have this same problem. My kids rely on my for everything, not that I mind. I just don't think it's the best thing for my kids. I just borrowed the book Free Range Kids from the library. It's fascinating! I don't want to raise a child who is dependent on me for everything. Independence breeds confidence. Check out this website... http://www.freerangekids.com/wordpress/ It's definitely a journey, and I am taking it one step at a time. Good luck!

Well, I know many many women on this site will disagree with me but I put my kids first in my life before myself. They are the center of my life, my universe and without them I am nothing. There is no me without them. Most everything that I do is for their benefit-I have GLADLY given up so much for them and would not change a thing. This manifests itself daily in all I do with and for them.

I agree with MomCeo, if you are asking the question, you're doing a great job. There's no shortage of moms on this site (and you're lucky if you don't hear from them) who think they are god's gift to motherhood...they have all the answers. Their house is perfect. Their children are perfect. But I grew up in a clean house with a mom who never played with us or read to us, and I don't want to be that mom. I'm not saying your house is messy. I'm saying MINE is, because when my daughter says, "read to me" I always try to do it...maybe not immediately, but as soon as I can. I do try to read books on parenting, but mostly they sit unread (who has time to read) and I hope that I can glean something through osmosis. Because I'm busy walking my "puppy" (my five year old daughter) or holding the five month old, or doing both at the same time. My five year old would have me with her 24/7 if she could, although she's a very outgoing kid. I don't know how working moms do it. I'm home all day and can't get anything done and feel guilty for not spending enough time with them...I've found that the people who will tell you they are great at anything (work, parenting, whatever) are usually not so great. The ones who are struggling and feel like they are not good enough are actually doing a better job to begin with, and by trying to improve themselves, will do even better as time goes on, instead of sitting around feeling smug while their children are sneaking out to torture animals.