Making Friends - Huntington Beach,CA

Maybe you won't find friends among other Moms.
You should take a class for something that interests you.
Could be crafts or a yoga class, etc.
When you have something in common to talk about, you'll make friends.

I felt like a complete outsider when my son started preschool and again when he started elementary. In both situations, I volunteered to help with an event. That involved meeting with a few other moms in small groups, team work, sharing ideas, etc. I was able to show others that I was interested in being a part of the community. And in both cases, I quickly discovered that there were a lot of people who felt just like me and wanted to connect with the other parents. Rather than just a group, maybe work on a fundraiser, event committee, something like that? I can be hard to fit in with an already-established moms' group, but a committee formed just for an event will likely have a new "mix" of people.

sweetie, this is hard. so first, here's a {{{{}}}}}.
now, go try this. i learned this from my little mumsie, who was incredibly shy but was considered to be one of the world's best listeners and beloved far and wide.
the best way to connect with people is to invite them to talk about themselves. it works brilliantly because the most confident, the shyest, the most damaged and the healthiest of us love to feel as if we're interesting. so open up the conversation with a GENUINE (fakeness can always be perceived) mention of something about them that you can compliment. 'i couldn't help but notice your lovely lilting southern drawl. whenever i hear that accent i long to be at tara. where are you from?' 'that brooch is beautiful. i remember my grandmother wearing one just like it, and have always been sad that no one knows where it is now. it's a cameo, right?' 'those shoes are DARLING! you must share where you found them!'
or go right for the heart of it. 'forgive me for horning in on your conversation. i'm new here and feeling a little insecure, and you both have such lovely smiles. may i take refuge in this corner with you?'
answer questions about yourself cheerfully and honestly, but keep returning the focus to THEM by asking leading questions and letting them roll.
if they're narcissistic they'll soon bore you by going on endlessly about themselves (which is of course your fault for prodding them into it, but this IS a fishing expedition for kindred souls<G>) and you can cross them off your list of potential friends. but at some point you'll find one- maybe two!- who will share things about themselves, but whose interest in you will be piqued, and the conversation will move past the overtures and into 'i think we're gonna be friends' territory.
it doesn't mean you never get to share anything about yourself or have to go through life as a Giant Ear (one of my huge pet peeves) but it's a great, great way to break the ice and feel people out who might actually be worth cultivating.
good luck!
:) khairete
S.

I think many of us feel the same way. I have "friends" that have tons of good friends. I honestly don't know how that is possible. For me, friendship is a deep connection, and honestly? I've made very few friends since becoming a mom.

I sometimes think there is something wrong with me, but then I think about my actual friends. My close friends don't live near me. They aren't mommy friends; in fact, not a single one has a child! These are women I chat with weekly, and have for years. I have a few mommy friends I talk with every few weeks, but it's like they are too busy being a mom to be a friend. I think this is the case with many women. I even have a "friend" I see weekly that I don't have much of a connection too! We are just nothing alike!

I too am lonely. Hubby works -lots. And he is out a few nights a week or traveling, étc. I realized some time ago that I need something. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm thinking of getting a very part time job just to have something not related to this mommy thing. I think a nice room to read in would be great too :-) yes, I want a room of my own!

My dad told me something when I was around 10. He said to count yourself lucky if you can count your friends on one hand before you die. I think he is absolutely right about this. I think a friend is a rare gift.

I think most adults are more lonely then they would willingly admit. I think it's the very condition of modern living. If people weren't lonely, Facebook wouldn't exist. People would be doing something else.

I go to church and all my "friends" are from church. When I met and married my husband 5 years ago, we needed to make new friends as a couple so 2.5 years ago we started going to a new church. Just some info and this is just MY opinion because I attend church faithfully more than once a week, I don't generally have "time" to chat with "friends" at church. I serve in the café and even on the days I don't do that, I have time to briefly chat with a couple people before the service starts. Then when it's over at 12:30ish, we are all STARVING so the kids run up to me dragging me out to the car so we can go eat. So don't take it personally if you are not talking to many people at church, there simply just isn't time and that isn't the purpose of why you are there anyway.

If there is a couple or woman you feel you have something in common with, then YOU need to make an effort to get together. If you see her at church say, hey, can we exchange numbers so we can get together sometime? Then if she gives you her number, text her and ask if she can meet for coffee or desert.

This just happened to me actually. A couple moved here from OR a couple months ago and I ended up chatting with her when she was getting a coffee at the café at church. I mentioned I was going to have my son home all summer and we don't have a pool anymore and he's ADHD and needs to stay busy. She said, oh, we have a pool, you can come over! Well, the next Sunday she came up to me and said, make sure you get my number so I gave it to her after the service. She immediately texted me on Monday and asked me and the kids to come over swimming. I just got back from her house this afternoon. She is a little different, so we won't be BEST friends, but she is nice enough, our kids like playing together, so that's what our relationship will be.

So all this to tell you it isn't enough to just show up to church and smile and small talk with people, or mommy groups or anywhere else. You have to take it to the next step and get together on your own. Our church has a ton of stuff for the women to do, doesn't yours? If so, start there. If not, ask the office manager if you can start something and do it.

Not everyone you meet is going to be your friend. But if you can chat enough to see if it's someone you like, then you make plans to spend some casual time together to see if you can become friends. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Suz T.'s response is right on! I would also advise to keep inviting women you think seem cool to do something with you. Everyone is busy so don't give up when you get turned down multiple times. Keep trying and working at it! I try to really actively do this with women I like and it works very well for bonding with someone. Don't be shy about hiring a babysitter to do something fun if you need to either! I've lived here 4 years and have made some really good friends this way. To give you examples: Invite a mom over to have coffee/tea while the kids play. When we first moved here I tried to do this almost ever week. Invite someone to meet you at a coffee shop or a park. If your kids connect with their kid that is a good opening to suggest this. Then you get one on one time talking with the other mom without her other friends around. I like to bike ride, so inviting someone to do a long ride with me has helped me make some great friends. Inviting someone to meet me at this evening yoga class and then go out for a beer afterwards. A few years ago I really wanted to climb the highest peak in NM (it's just a long hike...nothing technical). I was asking everyone I know to try to find a female friend to do it with me and everyone was too busy. But word got around and two friends of friends both said they would join me. I did not know them. They did not know each other. We became really good friends doing this. Inviting someone you like and their family over for dinner...this really works well for us. We try to invite someone over every other week or so. We invite 2 families we know to camp with us...and sometimes to meet us for rock climbing on the weekend. The kids all come and run around and sometimes try a little bit of climbing. We have become very close to these 2 families. I also invite women I like to go on a dog walk with me, or a little hike (there are a lot of trails here), or whatever. If someone new moves to your town keep in mind they are looking to make friends too! So....maybe you already do this kind of thing. But this works for me...really being active in inviting women to join me (one on one) in doing things I think are fun, and also over to dinner at our house. I get turned down a lot bc people are so crazy busy...but eventually something works out and I end up becoming closer to someone over time. It's a long process though. I wish you lots of luck! It's so hard to feel like an outsider and like you want/need some good friends.

I just want to tell you that most SAHMs these days have hubbies that work a LOT. It's just the way it is now. My husband works 50-60 hours a week. So you're not alone there.

It sounds to me like you should branch out. Ditch the "mommy groups" and find something you actually enjoy. Maybe a gardening or book club. I take my daughters to the library and chat with the librarians. Or walk around our neighborhood and socialize with our older neighbors.

You mention only playgroups and moms' groups. Get your husband to look after the kids at times and go do a group activity with other adult women! What makes friendships is shared experiences and interests, and just sharing the fact you have kids does not necessarily mean you'll be friends with someone. Pursue something just for yourself, as an adult, kid-free. If your husband's working those long days, doesnt' he want some time with the kids on weekends? If he complains that he needs "down time" and can't help out -- well, he's seeing being with his own kids as a chore and that is a different problem you and he would need to work on. You need adult interactions that are not based solely on meeting other moms just because you're all....moms. If your husband wants a healthy and engaged wife and a better mom for his kids, he'll get that and will help free you to pursue an interest!

Sometimes I make new friends by seeing what they might be interested in doing together, with the kids usually. This week I found myself asking a new mom in the area if she has ever been to a certain pool. I suggested we meet up there and hang out. I hardly know her, but it should be fun.

I have made lots of friends of moms of my kids' friends. Usually that happens the same way. If I spend a day doing something with them, we hit it off.

I'd try inviting someone to do something specific and see how it goes. Now that I think about it, it's almost like dating. ;)

Things to try, inviting a gal to happy hour... always a hit. Inviting a family to a water park in the area. Inviting a new friend to join you for a walk or bike ride on a nice bike path, or a hike somewhere. Invite someone over to scrapbook or craft with you. Just listen to conversations and see interests you share. Another idea is to invite a whole family over for dinner and play time or even meet up at a local sporting event and all get tickets together. Just think of things you like to do and see if anyone you know wants to join you. You'll strike out a few times if people don't feel a connection or don't have the time, but then you'll meet some winners.

When my first was born I went from a busy sales office to home alone with a demanding new born. I was super busy yet intellectually bored at the same time. I think I actually suffered from (postpartum?) depression for a while. I would go to the mall when it was hot in summer to just be among people. I lived for my once-a-week mom's group that the hospital arranged for kids born in the same period. I probably scared another mom in our neighborhood when I finally saw someone out and about with a baby and dashed up to her to introduce myself. Our kids were best friends all through school. From preschool friends came more playgroups and eventually individual play dates. Our local library had lots of toddler events I attended - the library became a home away from home since there is a play ground behind it. Eventually moms of my kids' friends became my friends, since we had our kids in common. I went back to work part time when the youngest was in 1st grade. The part time status allowed me to still be the main care giver and deal with illnesses and school functions.
I would make sure to schedule 1 event each day, even if that is just going to the mall around lunch time to walk around and eat lunch at the food court (I would bring food from home since money was tight), go to a free kids museum (check library for free or reduced cost passes), go to a library event. Offer to meet or take a friend's kid to a local play ground even for half an hour. Go browse in a toy store. I really needed that 1 thing per day to get out of the house to cheer me up. I found that online connections with old friends and family also helped since they were not close in person.
If you still feel super lonely after scheduling things and getting busier, I would talk to my doctor about depression. I often felt like I was the one always reaching out to set stuff up while others had full lives with large families nearby that kept them busy. It took time, but I now have lots of local friends and acquaintances and work associates, so much so that when I come home from work I just want to relax and do nothing! You are taking the first step here to reach out for advice, talk to you husband and get his ideas as well.
(((hugs)))

I get it. My kids are 5 and 6 and finding friends is challenging now. For the 1st time since having kids, my kids will both be in school full time this fall so my previous avenues of playgroups during the week for all the SAHMs won't work. We just relocated to a new city, so I am starting over without my previously successful strategies. I've decided to get involved in activities for me. A casual running group, a book club, a movie club, a mom's night out group. We also joined a local pool and I hope we might see some other families there repeatedly. Fingers crossed and good luck to you!

I made most of the friends I have now by volunteering at school. Working on projects and committees, volunteering in the classroom and on field trips. But it didn't happen overnight, it happened over the course of several years.
I know it can be lonely and frustrating. Wouldn't it be nice if we could be like kids and just walk up to each other and say hi, do you want to play with me?
In the mean time, can you sign up for a neighborhood swim club, or get a family membership at the YMCA, or something like that? It would get you all out of the house and even if you don't make any good friends right away you could still be around other moms and have some friendly casual conversation.
Also, could you take a class (whatever you like, art, photography, yoga) on Saturdays? It's important to be around other adults, and being around people who share you interests and passions may lead to deeper friendships.

I would target the moms of your three year olds friends as he makes them. Invite them for play dates etc. Moms of older kids usually do have their group from when their kids were young... Also, do you fit in appearance wise? Sorry but I assume your area has some moms who care how they look. Birds of a feather... Otherwise, make sure you're being a friend. Offer to babysit one of your kids friends. Invite the family for dinner. But as someone said maybe outside of moms is better. I do feel like I have friends yet very few who would stay friends if we moved unlike how I've kept I touch with college or childhood friends. Now it's somewhat tied to who our kids are friends with sad to say. So I feel like some friendships are a little superficial yet it's nice to have some social outlet. I figure it takes more time as parents to become really close bc we all are busy wth kids and some kids and work. So you are not alone. This question gets asked fairly often. So I think what's helped me the most is being a hostess at times. For play dates and dinners. It also helps if the husbands get along. If yours golfs and another does too, they can start golfing together or whatever activity. Tennis, baseball etc.

I think that many women struggle with this...myself included. It has taken me many years to realize that I am pretty introverted at heart. My idea of a great time is usually at home with my husband with some wine and a good book. That fact is that I had tons of friends in high school and college. I also spent a lot of time cultivating those relationships and maintaining them.

As an adult now, I have a full time job with a husband, house, pets, and two kids. My time has become much more limited now. I work all day and then come home to have to deal with homework, dinner, books, bath and bedtime. That doesn't leave time for much else.

I have started to reach out and cultivate friendships through my childrens' activities. I am very active in the PTA and we are getting involved in scouts. I also have work friends. As much time as I spend at work, it is quite natural to get friendly with some people. I think that if you get together with groups like PTA or scouts, it is much less intimidating that asking someone to do an activity one on one.

I do feel for you, because I deal with a lot of the same type of stuff...

I made most of my friends when I joined the local MOMS Club and started going to playgroup where all the moms had a child the same age as mine. There is a chapter in HB if you haven't already tried it - http://www.hbsouthmomsclub.com/Home_Page.html

I found the MOMS club to be much better than meetup.com, although you may also find a good group to connect with there. If you do try meetup, consider joining a group for women (or men) who share your same interests, rather than a group based around your children. You might be able to connect better at a knitting group, monthly game night, wine tasting club, etc

I think sometimes you have to just keep trying with the same group until you stop feeling like an outsider and are able to participate more in the conversations. It can be hard to keep going when you don't feel like you belong, but you have to give them a chance to accept you and, at the same time, give yourself a chance to get to know them a little more. It seems like you are trying this with your church - even if it isn't working there, try it again with a different group.

If you don't work, consider enrolling your son in a co-op preschool. It is a really great way to get to know the other families, since you will all spend time working together in the classroom. Below is the link for all of the schools in the Orange County Council (part of a statewide group of parent participation preschools). There are a few in/near HB that are definitely worth checking out. http://www.ccppns.org/orange-county-council.html

Finally, if the kids aren't enrolled in extracurriculars, try to pick one thing for each of them. I have made friends through my son's baseball teams and my daughter's gymnastics and Music Together classes.

I know how hard it can be and there are definitely times when I feel lonely and left out, too. Don't give up. You'll find the right group.

I made my first after-having-kids friend when another mom ran up to me in a preschool parking lot to give me her number and ask me to call. We had chit chatted at the open house for a bit, but I am pretty introverted so I never would have done that back then. Over time I developed the ability to pretend that I'm not nervous about talking to new people. Often once you make one friend, that person introduces you to more people, and so on...

It would probably be hard right now with a 3 year old and a husband away at work, but I made a lot of new connections and few good friends once I started volunteering at the school and in the community. It's like making 'work friends' except more casual and you already have at least one interest in common for sure.

If you plan to return to the workforce down the line when the kids are older, those volunteer connections are also your network and can be instrumental with passing along leads and giving references. Plus, the volunteer work looks good on your resume. It helps to fill in the 'SAHM gap' and counts towards experience/skills if it relates to the type of job you want.

I really hate hearing that woman have a hard time making friends. Do you take walks in your neighborhood, go to the park regularly, library, are your kids signed up for sports, do you workout, playdates, join a new church, does your church have adult bible study? Are you not assertive enough, do you take opportunities to invite people over or ask them to go to lunch? I hope something gives :)

Is your 3 year old in a pre-school? Maybe you could invite some of his friends over and invite their moms for coffee while the kids play. Also, I had some good success being involved in the school's PTA and volunteering at the school. Maybe you could invite some of your husbans's work friends and their families for a BBQ to your house. I have several friends who are wives of my husbans's work friends. Even if you don't hit it off with any of the wives they may invite you to one of their get-together where you may meet someone you like. You could also have your neighbors over for a BBQ or some drinks.

Also, I have learned to be very proactive about finding friends when I moved to a new place. I think people often don't realize it that when you are new you don't have any friends at all. The people from church may not even realize that you want to start a friendship with them. You may have to "ask them out". Steering a conversation towards walking or hiking for excercise and then asking if they would like to join you for excercise walks is an option that worked for me in the past. When you walk with someone you have lots of time to talk and forge a friendship. Also, if you find out about new people joining the church or your kids' class - those new people may also be looking for new friends.

I've moved a lot and finding friends and losing them when I moved away was always the hardest part about moving. But if you keep trying you will meet that one person who will include you in her circle and once you are in there you will meet other people and become part of "the group". But it does take time sometimes especially when you move to a place that doesn't have too many newcomers. I hope this helps. Good luck!