M. First!!!!! M. First!!!!! NOOOOOO:((((( M. First :((((((( M. First :((((

The second the "M. first!" comes out just say calmly, "We're not racing right now." and ignore the tantrum. Just keep this up and be consistent. He needs to know there is a time and place for everything.

Before friends come over let him know it is not fun to play with someone if he is racing, crying and screaming. If he tantrums in front of friends remove him from the situation to calm down. Once he does, remind him that type of behavior is no fun to be around. (The BEHAVIOR--not the boy). 3.5 is old enough to understand this kind of language.

I'm sorry, but I'd stop trying to explain and I'd be really tough on him. When he has a tantrum, put him in is room or strap him in his carseat if you are away from home. Then you won't be paying attention to him if he's separated from you.

He HAS to learn not to do this. He will not be able to have playdates or friends.

Stop feeling like this is your fault. Just stop putting up with it.

My general advice for tantrums: ignore them, whenever possible.

You can explain how 'everyone gets a turn to be first' when he is NOT upset, not in a situation where he is frustrated and angry. He *really cannot hear you* when he's angry. Lord knows-- I worked with kids long enough and what I have come away with is that they can hear us before and after a tantrum, but not during. Their feelings are so huge, they lose all reason.

You might find a cooperative game, like Snail's Pace Race and focus on how the snails (or game pieces) each take turns being 'first'. No one is ever *always* first. (I like this game because everyone wins).

I also want to assure you that the small roadbumps in life are not an indicator that he's going to be shoving ahead of the line as a teen or adult, saying "M. first". He's still very little. When my young charges (as a nanny) or my son have a tantrum, we remove ourselves from the action (to room, back to the car, to a quiet place) and I just set them in a safe spot and say 'when you are ready to (wait in line, have the food... whatever), let M. know'. When they are done crying, I don't talk the subject to death, just remind them if need be, just "oh, I see the girl is using that right now. We can have our turn in a minute or go over to the swings"-- I give an alternative whenever possible but avoid trying to ensure that they get to be first...

... it's that old saying "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit". Of course, he's still little and might throw a fit, but then you remove him from the area and let him work through that on his own. Because you mentioned the attention piece (that the bigger the fuss, the more attention he gets), my strong suggestion is to keep removing him to a quiet place where he gets NO attention. No talking. No explaining. Just "Let M. know when you are ready to...." and then keep yourself busy, even if it means watching the squirrels at the park, pretending to read a book, noticing the signs in a driveway... whatever. No talking, no eye contact... eventually, there won't be a payoff for the behavior because no one else's world is stopping but his, if that makes any sense. And if the kiddos ever threw a fit in the library or a store, we left *immediately*. Throw a fit and the fun is pretty much over.

Honestly, my read is: he's 3. If he wasn't tantruming over being first, he'd be tantruming over something else. 3-year-olds have huge, overwhelming emotions and absolutely zero self-mastery. If a feeling happens, that feeling is a tidal wave. They have no ability whatsoever to look at the big picture, or just pull themselves together -- none of that.

So, breathe. You haven't done anything wrong (I used to play those "race you" games too, it's a natural strategy, as a mom). He WILL outgrow this. I swear.

To make the transition a little easier, though, can you make "let your friend go first" be a game? Become a silly-polite character, "No, please, sir really, you first." Whoever DOESN'T go first wins.

And, while I certainly wouldn't go overboard with punishing, my son's 3rd year was when I realized that sometimes punishments are what's called for. When my son tantrumed unnecessarily, I put his Thomas trains on top of the fridge. This got him out of tantrum mode immediately, and into best-behavior mode, so he could earn his trains back.

My son was like this...he always wanted his way or to win. If he didn't he had HUGE meltdowns. He was a hard toddler. His brain is just not ready yet...he needs to mature on this one. But I still think you should practice. Talk about other people's feelings. How they might want to be first sometimes. How it makes them feel. What it means to be a good friends. MAKE him take turns being first when you play a game. Make him lose at races with you sometimes. Put him in his room when he tantrums. (We had to do this A LOT when our son was that age) so he does not get any attention. But don't expect him to get it yet. My son finally started getting it in Kindergarten...his friends (a group from the neighborhood) would come over to play and there would be issues. It took peer pressure. It was hard for him...there was a lot of tears. But he realized that it's not fair and that other people sometimes can get their way in things...not just him.

Now is the time to teach taking turns. Have him be second at things and explain that he needs to be polite and let someone else have their turn first. When mom goes first and then him tell him how proud you are that he waiting his turn. Will it stop the tantrums? Nope not at first but he'll catch on. Toddlers and young children are very self centered. They don't think of others or other people feelings because they just want what they want.

Normal and developmental. I see nothing wrong with the racing to do things - it is a way of making things like teeth brushing fun instead of torture. I don't believe that caused this issue. I suspect if you tried to play games (like Candy Land) with him where there is a winner and loser, he would completely lose it. My son did. You can try empathizing with him when he does not get to go first and/or talking to him about how exciting it is for his friend when he does get to go first but mostly you need to wait it out. There is ZERO point in talking to a toddler having a tantrum. His brain is no longer working and he will NOT hear anything. I think a hug and sitting together works just as well as anything else and does not punish him for something he doesn't understand. The basics of course apply - he is probably more likely to lose it when he is hungry or tired - avoid situations at these times. You can also try distraction if you catch this BEFORE a tantrum. 'Wow - we have a minute before you can go - let's see how high we can count/how many colors we can name/something else - before it's your turn.

He will outgrow it no matter what you do.

My dd has to be first as well. She is 7 and this has been going on since she was your sons age. She has to be first upstairs and if you are in front of her she will almost knock you down in order to be first. If you do something first she will get mad. She is a straight A student and last week she made an 80% on a reading assigment. I asked what happened and of course she didn't know. So I said were you trying to be the first one to finish the assignment. She sadly said yes. I said do you like the grade you got. She said no and said then you need to slow down and read the assignment and it doesn't matter who finishes first. She got an A in reading on her last report card and she told M. she was getting an A+ on the next one. I told her if she has to be first finishing her work than she will not make an A. I would like to say I don't push her to make A's but she wants to be the best student in class which I feel is like being first.

No one can be first all the time - he has to learn to take turns at it.
But it is pretty typical for that age.
They do grow out of it sooner or later.
Tantrums for any reason means he can go pitch a fit in his room and he can come out when he's finished.

We are right in the middle of it with you with our 3.5 yr old DD.
My strategy...pick my battles with stuff like the light switch and opening the door.... let her do it. It's annoying and takes longer sometimes, but...

With other kids, let them sort it out. They are old enough to work with each other on this without you interrupting. My DD goes through this with her 6 yr old brother all the time. I leave them alone, even if they fight, to work it out.

And yes, he will outgrow it. Eventually. Hang in there.

For the tantrums...yes, they suck. I have no magic solution. Sometimes 123 Magic's approach works for M.. Sometimes ignoring does. Sometimes I have to compromise and semi give-in and talk more calmly to her. My DD is a tough one that way. My DS, 123 worked perfectly every time. DD needs more of a blend depending on her and my mood.

The rule in our house is that whoever says "M. first" goes last. Try that with him and see how it goes. The other rule is that when one has a tantrum, one is removed from the situation. So if he says "M. first" at the playground, give him one reminder about the first rule and give him a chance to do the positive opposite ("you go first'). When he starts to get upset, remind him that if he doesn't calm down, you'll leave. And then do it.

It should only take leaving a place a few times for him to understand that you're serious.

Practice the "M. first" / "you go ahead" thing at home. Role play with some stuffed animals. Pretend to say "M. first" so that he gets the change to instruct you and remind you of the rule.

There is a great book called The Kadzin Method for Parenting Your Defiant Child that does a great job of laying out the specifics of how to nip an undesired behavior in the bud and replace it with a positive opposite with just a few weeks of concentrated behavioral training. If he doesn't respond to the simpler approach above, get a copy of that book and try his plan.

When my children went through this stage, I did this: "Oh good! That means I get to wait and do it second."

I had to make being first all the time for everything for ever and ever no matter what it is less appealing. I had to get creative to curb it as their first instinct because I didn't want them insisting on always being first for everything if we're guests in someone's home and we're being served something and they have to wait. I want them to see themselves as equal to others. I want them to see that some things are worth waiting for. That sometimes being first isn't beneficial.

To start it off, though, you have to diffuse how exciting it is. Of course, at other times is really is exciting. Like his own toys. He should get to be The First One to play with his own toys. When it makes sense, let him but maybe with an explanation... like "Of course you get in the first. If you got in last who would buckle you up in your car seat?"

This deffinately is just a stage and will not last untill he is an adault. Try asking him why he likes being first. He may say it makes him happy, or he feels important, etc. Say to him that the other kids like to be happy too and they might get sad when they have to go last every time. If this meathod does not work, then it istime to be a tough M.. When he throws a tantrum tae him to his bedroom, in a corner, on the kitchen chair, etc, and dont let him out untill he has stopped. Then say tohim that its not always good to be first. He did not get to be first to play the game, but he was the first to be unished. Tell him he can iether wait for his turn camly, or if he still wants to be first he can be the first to be punished. This worked with my kids.:) I hope this helped