Loss in Our Family: Can Anyone Help?

Dear L.:

I don't know what part of town you are in but there is a group called Solace that is part of Lutheran Hospital's program. I have heard good things about it. They advertise in the "support groups" section of the classifieds in the Arvada Press.

I'm so sorry for their loss. I had complications during an early delivery of my second little girl, and she passed away.

Everyone expected and pushed me to get back into my old routine very quickly. That wasn't helpful. The truth is, nothing goes back to how it was any more than it does after you have a living child.

I was helped so much through support groups in person and also on line (for the times I needed to talk in teh middle of the night!) a good online support is silentgrief.com.

No one could have taken away the grief and loss, but I was helped along by people who were able to say, "I don't know what to do, but I am so sorry. Do you want to talk?" and then were able to keep saying that months and even years after she died. These were the people who understood that it was OK if my moods shifted from happy to sad quickly. I also appreciated that my extended family talks about her and recognizes her as a part of us. They'll come over for a balloon release when we celebrate her short time with us here, etc.

Again, I'm sorry for their loss.

T.

I any case where there is great need my rule is always to just go to them and say that "I know this must be overwhelming, how can I help?"

That's the best advice I know for something like this. Take care.

When I was 18 I lost my mother to cancer and then when I was almost 20 lost my brother in law to cancer. It was a very tough time for our family and I found that biggest supports were those who have been through the same situation. People who haven't experienced death just don't understand and say things that you don't want to hear. So my advice is to listen to these sweet moms who have been there.

This is a tough time for everyone. This is definantly a time the family really needs to come together as one unit. If you're relgious have teh parents explain to teh kids that the baby has gone to be with Jesus now and the baby was taken so it wouldn't be in pain or be sick anymore. Jesus is taking care of the baby now. Have the family buy some kind of memorial figurine or bear or something that is special to the family. Everytime they see it they can remember the baby. Have a service for the baby, even if it's a memorial service and you could allow each child to say how they feel. Mom and Dad should give the children reassurance and tell them then love them a LOT.
I had a misscarriage myself and I bought a silver heart box and wrote out some of my feelings some personal poems to my baby and I then sealed it and put it in a specail keepsake box. Everyonce in awhile I'll get it out look at it and then put it back away. This was just my way of self healing and letting go.
I'll pray for your family.
Just be a supportive sister and the best Aunt you can be. Take th ekids out and away from the parents so they can have personal greiving time and personal healing.
Taking the kids out will get their monds off it all and they can have someone else to talk to other than their parents. They might open up more to their Aunt and Uncle nayways.
Good luck and prayer to you and your family.

I am so sorry to hear about your family's loss. I applaud you for wanting to do something for them as people just usually brush it off.
What I would suggest is, phoning them if it is possible. Even better would be to actually visit them but just taking the initiative to reach out to them will mean a lot.
Suggestions of what you can do for her:
Visiting with them and talking about the baby sharing any memories you have of her.
I wouldn't suggest sending flowers. As thoughtful as they can be, it often reminds the mom of her loss all over again when they die. A plant that they can keep for longer is often a better suggestion.
Making them meals to freeze is excellent as they will likely not wanting to eat let alone have the energy to even think about making something for themselves.
Spa certificate for mom to pamper herself later on when she feels up to it.
Taking the kids out for a bit so that mom can either have some alone time with hubby or herself (to have a bath for example or even to cry)
If you scrapbook, you could make her an album to put pictures of the baby in.
Christmas ornament (if they celebrate Christmas) with the baby's name on it or in the shape of an angel (in the sex of the baby) or a figurine that is baby related or new mom related like Willow Tree.
Anything that has the baby's name on it or the baby's birth stone on it.
Jewelery from a pregnancy / infant loss website is an excellent idea as well.
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?Cat=Mis...
http://www.october15th.com/
Anything that can continue to keep the memory of the baby alive (without the baby being here of course) like a teddy bear or a baby blanket.
If they have had the baby buried, visiting the grave and leaving little things there (like a teddy bear with a note attached to it) will also mean a lot.
Lastly, don't forget about her loss. Often times after the loss of a baby, people thing that the parents are magically over the loss after 3 months. It is something you never get over. Keep checking her periodically asking her how she really is. We are too often conditioned to say we are "good" when we aren't just because we think that someone doesn't want to hear how we really are doing. Acknowledge the baby in a family holiday card to her, remember the baby on Mother's day, father's day and especially on the anniversary of the loss.
she will likely be a different person than she was before her loss. That is often difficult for people that know you before your loss to understand the transformation. She may not go out with the girls as often as she once did. Things like that often become petty at first and ends up being
low on the priority list.
When she is up to it, mom might rather go out to coffee one on one or even shopping just to get out of the house. Mom will likely have a hard time seeing other infants around the same age as her daughter would be. Its a reminder of what you are missing out.
When you lose a parent, you lose your past. When you lose a child, you lose your future.

My son Zackery was stillborn May 3, 2003 at 39 weeks from unknown causes after a normal pregnancy so I know what a loss like this can be like. He was 7 lbs 10 oz and 20.5 inches long. I just can't believe he would be almost 5 years old now!

Hi L., We lost our daughter at 37 days old to complications from congenital heart defects. She was born full term without us knowing the problems she was to face. The death of a child is the most horrendous thing I have ever faced. It affected our entire family & friends. I was lucky to conceive twins 6mos later (with in-vitro help) who were born healthy & are now 4 yo. We had a blessing of a daughter (without any fertility help - it was a happy shock) 18mos after the twins were born. I am not a religous person, wish I had been, as I think faith may have helped me through. I think that focusing on having a family (after our loss) the support of my entire family & friend base & a wonderful husband are what saved me from jumping off of a cliff. I went to counseling & tried a grief support group that unfortunately made me feel worse. We all have to get through it on our own & although many well wishing friends sent me books - I tossed them aside as I knew that there is no one else out there going through the exact same thing as me. We all have our personal grief & that's how I dealt with mine. I wish you & your family the best at this awful time. I completely understand. If you or she ever need to talk, feel free to give me a call as someone who has been there & back.
###-###-####.

I know there are support groups for the loss of a child. I had a stillborn years ago but don't remember any of the names. It is so difficult on a family when they loose a baby and it can tear them apart without the right help.

One thing not to say is " Oh you can have another" or " well you have other healthy children" IT DOES NOT REPLACE THE ONE THAT THEY LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is a grieving process just like the loss of anyother person you love and care about. Please don't think this will go away in a month or two. It takes time to grieve and each person is different. Just be there when they need to talk and listen and comfort.
It will be hard for them to be around others with young babies.

Did they have a funeral? Just remember she was a child they had. I had people that told me a month after it happened to just get over it. Some people never forget and will long to hold something that size just ease the longing of what was suppose to be. Life will go on but it will not be the same. Sadness like this leaves a person changed. It could be for the good or the bad, you won't know for a while. They all need a lot of love and compassion right now.
C. B

Dear L.,
My preemie daughter was born 16 weeks early, when I was only 6 months pregnant. She has survived with mild to moderate disabilities and will be 13 years old in just a few weeks. I recommend Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis, a wonderful book on losing your baby. http://www.babylinq.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&I... This is a link to other neonatal bereavement suppports. I wish your brother and his family all the best.

take care, S.

S. L. Blumberg, Ph.D.
Family & Relationship Options

I'm sorry for the loss. I have three friends who have lost their children recently, one was 4 years old, one was 12 and the other was 23. No matter what, loss is a very difficult burden to bear. I think constant support from family and friends, talking about it, and the most important is time, only time will ease the pain. Somehow we have no choice but to go on. Maybe check into a support group to that has to do with loss of loved ones.

I am so sorry for the loss in your family. If you go to the March of Dimes website there is a section on bereavement that may give you some tools to help them. Good Luck.

I am so sorry for the loss of your niece.My love and prayers go out to you and your family. On April 26th @ Civic Center Park in Downtown Denver March of Dimes is having a March for Babies.It starts @ 9 a.m. Registation is @ 8 a.m. It is a walk to support all babies to be born healthy and full term.It is also a walk to mourn the loss of babies who didn't make it. It is a walk to celebrate the babies who overcame the tough start they had if they were born premature. Recently My nieces half sister gave birth to a baby @ 33 weeks and her baby also passed away later that day. I didn't know to much about premature births until I experienced one myself 3 years ago. Luckly my son made it through his rough start. Advise your family to look up the March of ____@____.com that web page you will find links to support groups who are also grieving the loss of a baby.You can also call the March of Dimes at ###-###-#### for local support. I hope this info is a little helpful to you and your family.

I am so sorry for your family's loss. What a difficult thing for you all to go through! Years ago, I knew a little girl who had lost a baby sister to SIDS, and her parents had told her that all her freckles were angel kisses from her baby sister in Heaven...I always thought that was a nice way for her to remember her sister. I don't know if your family is religious or not, but if they are, I think it would be comforting for the children to be told that the baby is an angel now. If any other family members have passed away (grandparents, etc), it might also be comforting to tell them that the baby is with those relatives now.

Hi L.-

I'm so sorry for this unbearable loss in your family. The loss of a child just doesn't work with our sensibilities and there really is no way to make sense of it. My brother and sister-in-law had a beautiful baby girl, Wren, almost 3 years ago. She was born with Trisomy 18 and died after 62 days. It has been a brutal loss for our family. There really is nothing you can do to "fix" things, but the biggest thing I've learned is it's important to treat this baby as a very real member of the family. Our grandmother just died last week and Wren was listed as preceding her in death and we all talked about Grandma getting to see Wren now and the time they were spending together. We talk about her contribution to our family and things she did in her short little life. I think it's really important to not try to talk them into "moving on" and "forgetting". And most of all, just be there when they need to cry, or laugh or talk about any of it. There are no right answers or perfect things to do. Just let them know you love them and feel the loss of your niece with them. Again, I'm so sorry, and our prayers will be with you.

K.