Looking for Advice??? - Chicago,IL

I would call the pediatrician and get help quickly. I also like books by Dr. James Dobson. Good luck...it's not an easy stage

First - you should NEVER pubicly announce you hit your children. Legally, some one can report you to Family Services, and prompt an investigation.

I understand your feelings of helplessness. My daughter use to do the same thing, I just have the advice of be patient, keep talking (not yelling), and it will pass.
I know that is not what you want or need to hear. But that is reality.
The more you show him anger, the angrier he will become, he is a product of his envioronment!! Repeat that to youself every day and if you need to walk away, count to 10 and talk. You will talk till you blue in the face, you will repeat yourself (it feels like) 10000 times.

My daughter when she was 3 use to throw such horrible tantrums, she would pass out, and become unconsious.

Your son will learn patience from your ways, and reactions.

If you need help with patience, maybe you can talk to someone about it. I tried to, but it wasnt for me. Talking to stangers is not my thing (at least face to face)

My daughter is now going to be 7 and is SOO much better than she use to be. I was just like you, yelling, spanking with no results.
Everything is about attention. If you only give them negative attention, that is what they will do to get your attention, because that is what you respond to.

Just breath, count to 10 and talk, time outs work, if you make them work.
I still use 1, 2, 3 and she still responds to it.

I hope you find your strength to stay calm, he will grow out of it.

My best advice is to seek out parenting classes. I have my soon enrolled in the early childhood program they may offer parent classes as well. I have learned so many teaching techniques and distractions and ways of rewarding the good behavior often. Check into the Early Childhood program and see what there is out there you may find it helpful.

If you can't control yourself enough to not hit a 3 year old with a belt, who do you expect him to learn control from?

I have a 6 YO with behavioral issues (luckily, non-violent ones, but I do understand the frustration you feel). I recommend, as other people here have said, that you get some help. Start with your pediatrician. It's not easy to find the right professionals to help, but keep looking because they understand a lot more about how to help children these days than they did when I was a kid. Understand that being that out of control is a lot harder on your son than it is on you. Also, he's only 3. He's still a baby. That doesn't mean his behavior is acceptable, but it does mean that it's not something he can control if punished hard enough.

N.,

I hate to say it but he is acting out and 3 is *the age*, my daughter gave me the hardest time once she was 3 and thank goodness we survived it (she just turned 4).

I know you hate to hear it but "spare the rod, spoil the child" you have got to let him know who's boss and what you say goes PERIOD. You don't want your kids getting physical with one another and you really don't want your son disrespecting you or embarrassing you. You have got to be firm with him and if the first 2 commands don't faze him then the belt or your hand must be the last result.

Time outs only worked for my daughter at ages 1 and 2, after she started developing her own little personality all that changed and it was at the age of 3 that she received her first "pop" on the behind and then the leg. If she tried to hit me, I would pop her hand but the belt was the last resort and she knew if I was heading to my closet she had only seconds to get it together.

Now if I have to say something more then twice in my "unhappy voice" and I get up to head to my room, she QUICKLY corrects what she did. I'm telling you (I'm almost in the same situation as you, hubby travels 5 days a week) you have to have the upper hand, kids are a lot smarter then we think and your son knows what he can get away with and he knows what the consequences will be. So, unfortunately, at some point talking will mean nothing, it doesn�t hurt, it isn't taking anything away from him and 9 times out of 10 he really isn�t paying you much attention BUT see what a firm pop on the leg will do along with a stern voice.

Good luck and I know we NEVER like to be physical with our children but sometimes it does teach a valuable lesson.

I know what it is like to have an out of control child. My 9 year old daughter was like that for a long time. My doctor told me to reward the good behavior instead of focusing on the bad. Set a timer for 10 minutes. If your child can be "good" for that amout of time, he is rewarded for 10 minutes of what he likes to do...TV, tricycle riding, reading with you, etc. It is amazing how quickly the 10 minutes turns into 20, then 30 minutes.

I wish you a lot of luck...and remember, if you are about to loose your temper...leave the room for a minute or two.

Dear N.,
I'm sorry I cannot really give you good advice, but I think you should definately take things up with your pediatrician. Maybe he can refer you to another docter like a children psychiatrist. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your son is crazy but he (and you) might need some help in how to handle this. There has got to be a reason why he is doing this.
I wish you all the best and hope you can work this out.
M.

Dear N.,

As a second grade teacher (currently on leave)and a mother of a 9 1/2 month son I know that children can be very trying. I commend you for raising your children on your own. I have so much respect for single parents. I know that three year olds are very difficult and there is no reasoning with a child that young. Maybe you have a male relative he could spend some time with. Or it sounds like sometimes you may need a break. I know that everyone says use timeouts, cut it doesn't seem to work either. Maybe you could ask your doctor for suggestions. I know this is not very helpful, but I just wanted to tell you to keep you head up and know that you will get through it. In the mean time, I hope you can get some support from friends and family because this is a frustrating thing to go through alone. My heart goes out to you. The last thing is maybe you could try some art therapy: Have him spend time drawing even if it is in a coloring book. Art really calms some children down. That could be his timeout down time when he is not treating people appropriately. Once he has spent some time out you could try talking to him about proper behavior. There are also some anger management programs for children-your doctor could probably give you some numbers like Bobby Wright's program. Best Wishes,

K.

Look into his diet. Is he eating alot of processed foods with food dye, preservatives,ect? You would be surprized how these additives affect some children. The book, "Why Won't My Child Behave" explains it very well. Just give it some thought. He also may be having a reaction to milk, wheat ect. Let me know. My son started this same behavior at the age of 3. My best to you. B.

My son has been acting out a bit lately, so I am struggling with a similar situation. Although yours seems a bit more serious.

I think, first off, I would not use a belt... in my opinion, it is just correcting his hitting with more hitting and sends a mixed message. But I understand completely that when frustration sets in it is so very hard to think rationaly.

When I try to put my son into a time out, he doesn't want to stay. I used to argue, but it's a losing battle! Put him in his room, close the door, and let him scream it out. This may be difficult if you are in an apartment though.

Try during a calm moment to talk to your son. He may be more receptive to listening to you. I have realized that trying to talk to my son when he is upset is like speaking to a wall. But, if I approach a subject when he is calm, we have a great talk.

Most of all, take time to breath. If things are escalating and you can feel yourself losing your senses, tell your son that you wont accept that kind of behaviour, take your daughter and go into another room. Calm yourself down a bit.

I hope this helped a bit.

Hi N.,
I just read this article on how when you come home from work instead of running around trying to get things setup for dinner, etc., you should just sit down with the kids for 15-20 minutes to give them some one on one time. Sometimes when they are out of control it is thier way of getting your attention.

My son has just turned 3 and it is so much different than when my daughter was 3. Boys (as u know) are so much more defiant and physical than girls. I've had to give my son time outs as well and he does the same thing, does not sit there. Maybe there is something else bothering him and that is his way of telling you something is wrong. I am going to play therapy with my kids and it has helped me. She basically just sits and plays with the kids (ages 5 &3) and then she will help me control situations and address many questions. I too am single and have found that sometimes they are angry with us for the divorce/seperation and they take it out on the person closes to them.

Its such a tough age because our son's want thier independence but they still need our guidance on so much.

I've also noticed that if my son does not have his nap or enough sleep at night he does NOT listen to anything I say to him. It is hard to discipline someone who is tired.

Anyway, i hope this helped you...email me if you ever want to vent or talk.

Hi N..

I was reading what one mother told you about getting reported. I think that is rediculous. I think that parents should have the right to discipline their children. About hitting with a belt, that really is old school. I will say my dad did that to me once.

I do believe in spanking when children do something wrong, and that is what I will be doing with my son when he is old enough. He is only six months right now.

My suggestion to you is to punish him immediately after he is acting up. Whether it be by spanking or time outs or a combination. But then what until later in the day when he is being good and you both are calm and have a talk with him. Generally children want to please their parents so I think that he will be pretty responsive.

Sit him down and tell him you love him what you don't like when he hits or kicks. Mommy doesn't like it when you're a bad boy. Why do you hit your sister. Don't make suggestions for him as to why he is doing it, because he will just agree with what ever your suggestion is. What for him to give you an answer.

Maybe he is lacking some male bonding. You know it is important for children to rough house, and that is usually what the daddy provides. Mommies nurture and daddies play fight and all that good stuff.

I think that you should maybe also try to involve him in some kind of class like soccer or something. They have a lot of great things at the park districts. Or you can just do that your self. Mommies can play a little rough too.

But I feel it's very important even if you punish to wait until every one is calm to have a talk about it.

I hope that helps

Good luck

What a difficult thing to go through. Please go get the book "Holding Time" by Martha G. Welch, M.D.

That book saved my life. And, there is a special section for single parents. You can probably find it at the library, and if not, it's about $12 at the bookstore.

I promise, you will learn some wonderful things from that book. Children respond amazingly!

R.

hi my oldest son is 2next week and i quess terrible twos hit him early, cause he doest want to listen either. when i ask him something its always no and he'll run away from me so i don't make him do what ever it is i ask of him. He crys for absolutly no reason (ive been a sahm for the passed 6 months and he's gotten to attached to me) so when he acts up or doesn't want to stop cring, i sit him in a chair in his room and let him know he can come out when he stops cring, a frew min later when he doesn't i tell him i will close the door (and i do) and he eventually comes out on his own (w/no tears) i have hit isaiah (with my hand ) and it feels terrible, so i try my hardest to keep my cool and try to talk(which turns into screaming)cause i would rather yell and put him in his room then hit him. its hard cause you know that they understand and they are at an age that they want to test there limits and your patients.

N.,
It sure sounds like you have your hands full with your husband away in the army and all, and I really sympathize with your situation.

Spanking or other such physical disciplinary measures do not work. In fact, they just encourage more aggressive behavior, and it is very upsetting for the child.

My advice is to get physically down to your boy's eye level and tell him that he is not allowed to hit his sister (or anyone else for that matter). And then hold him for a 3 minute time out. Also, at this age you probably can find out why he is doing this by asking him a series of questions. Maybe one of his little friends is rough with him so he is copying the behavior. Try to get to the root of it. Also, if you are at the park or someplace, and your son hits or kicks your daughter, just say "now we're going home." And then really go home. This way, he'll know that the bad behaviour has a consequence that is not to his liking. Or you can remove a reward. You can say, "no ice cream for you today". But then you really have to stick to that no matter how much he whines for ice cream.

If this continues, you might want to talk to your pediatrician about this just in case it is a behavioral problem.

N.,
My heart goes out to you. It seems like you really have your hands full. I don't know if this will help at all and it may sound unlikely but I'll share it with you just in case. It could be possible that your son is "reacting" to something that is causing behavoral problems. There is a book called "Why Can't My Child Behave." You can get it on Amazon.com I'm sure. It is about how certain kids react to chemicals in food, hair spray, fabric softener, cleaning supplies, etc.. My son used to be very, very hyper or very spacey and we put him on a diet free of artificial colors (like red dye #40) and free of artficial flavorings and preservatives. It helped within days...we saw improvement and we have stayed with it for 2 years now and I believe our whole family is healthier. Believe it or not, tfood dyes, etc... are made from petroleum...crude oil. They are not food but they make food stay "fresh" for very long periods of time and they make food look attractive to the consumer. But many people, especially children cannot process them and they become almost like a drug in the child's system. You can find information on this diet at www.feingold.org which is the web site for the Feingold diet which has been around for more than 30 years. I really encourage you to try this, even if it sounds hard (it really isn't too hard, I promise you.) Look at what you are feeding your kids and try to stick to things like noodles with butter (no margarine) cantaloupe, watermelon, eggs, milk (organic if possible) meat that hasn't been processed...so have them eat gorund beef or ground turkey and organic hot dogs like Applegate Farms or Boarshead brand rather than processed packaged lunchmeats. Read the labels and avoid chemicals as much as possible. Snacks like Fritos are fine (they are made of corn, corn oil and salt...no preservatives.) He can have Tostitos chips as well...no soda...stay with apple juice or pineapple juice. It may sound hard but it is much easier than having an ouy of control child. My son used to say "I don't know why I behave badly. I really don't know why." The diet has helped so much. We also use shampoo, soap, etc...that have no scents because that is all just chemicals too. You can get a lot of support at Feingold.org and I think it costs about $60 to join and they send you a booklet that has brands of food and other items that are safe to have. Please at least take a look at the website and consider this. It has helped many people. Feel free to email me directly if you have any questions. You sound like a mother who is doing her best! You are not alone in this...don't give up!
All the best,
Mary (E. is a nickname)

N., it sounds like you have you hands full. If this is new behavior for him then he is reacting/processing to something new in his life. I think it is great that you want to intervene now , with positive intervention he may turn around very quickly. As they get older it is harder to change behaviors. I would recommend that you find a good children's therapist that can help him and your family better understand what he is processing.
Kids that young ( i have one too) dont; often have words to process stuff so they act out (mine loves to throw/push books down etc). It might be something big, like someone else is hurting him when you aren't there or he is processing his dad not being around or soemthing else.
A Children's therapist/Art therapist can help him put words/images to what is going on.
If you want help find a therapist/counseling center, let me know. I am a social worker and know a lot of social services in chicago.
If you decide you don't want him to see someone, you could also try: reading books about feelings, about not hitting etc. Try to complement him when he is doing something good to balance the harder times.
I'm glad to hear that you don't want to hit him. All that does is make him fearful of you, and learn that violence is acceptable.