Hi! I'm going through something similar with my daugther, whose biting. So I read the chapters in my fav. parenting book about how to handle it because I felt overwhelemed. and while the following thing applies to biting, it can also apply to hitting, spitting, etc.
I hope it helps you! i know it helped me. Personally, I don't use time-outs. I don't believe in the withrawal of love philosophy or the way that it 'works'. Neither do I believe in spanking. Soooo, i do a lot of work finding out how I'm going to handle things without the two previous methods.
I cannot recommend enough a book -where this came out of- "becoming the parent you want to be", awesome resource.
AND, we also have a wonderful lady who teaches parenting classes called 'redirecting children's behavior', I think you can find her under the 'reviews'.
anyhow, here it is:
but here's the basics:
variety of impulses that cause the behaviour:
-anger: "i'm angry" "you're in my way"
-frustration "nothing is going the way I want it to "
-frustration coupled with limited vocabulary:
"I have an idea and I can't get it out"
-communication: "move"
-physical needs: "im really hungry/sleepy"
-teething pain: "my gumps feel funny. I'm trying to relieve them so I can feel better"
-Imitation: "i saw rudy bite elliot and it seemed like an interesting thing to do. So Now I'm going to try and see what happens"
-Exploration: "someone idd this to me and I'm trying to figure out what it feels like to bite someone"
-experimentation: "what happens when I do this"
-Social exploration "i'm asking for some social rules" "how do people keep me from doing this?" " i wonder what mommy will do when I bite?, how does grandma feel about it?" Is biting kids different than biting grownups?"
-release of tension: "it feels good when I bite"
-to get attention: " you've been talking on the phone for a long time dad"
-being powerful: "all kinds of big things happen when I bite!"
-"sensory pleasure: "even adults like to bite sometimes"
-initiating play or affection: " I want you to be my friend" "hi, you look interesting, I think I'll bite you"
* babies and toddlers don't understand that biting hurts people. They may think it's a lot like kissing. It may feel good to them to bite and they think it must feel good to the person being bitten.
-Accidentally: "i didn't really meant to bite you. My mouth just happened to be near your arm and I just kind of slipped".
*sometimes it's kind of like "i've got this bite here and I need to put it someplace. Not really on someone, I just have to do this with my mouth"
Responding to children who bite:
How ou intervene depends of the status of the bite:
Is the child goving after someone with his mouth open ready to bite? --this is YES for Emilia-- Has the bite already happened? Is there another person besides you involved?
--set a limit: When a bite is about to happen, physical and verbal limit seting often come first. You hold the child's mouth away from the intended target and say : "i'm not going to let you bite X". or "I will help you to stop biting". You must stay calm and will avoid raising the tension level of the interaction.
--Honor the impulse: you can make an educated guess about why the child is biting. Then you can check in with teh child: "it looks like you want to say hi to joshua" "i wonder if you're trying to tell Pablo to move" "Im wondring if your mouth is hurting". THen watch for the child's reaction. IF the child relaxes or creis, that may be a sign that you've hit on the right reason.
--Give social information: "biting hurts. I won't let you bite people"
--Redirect: Redirect the child to bite someting else or to channel his inital impulse into a behavior that is more acceptable. ie. "it looks like you're really mad, you can roar like a lion" "it looks like you want mohammed to stop pushing you. You can tell him 'stop'.
--don't bite them back:
first, biting hurts
second, babies and toddlers aren't capable of empathy.
third, if we bite them back we tell them "biting is an ok thing to do"
--it's crucial not to stigmatize a child who bites: calling a child a 'biter' or a 'pirahna' can reinforce the behavior. the child thinks to herself, "oh, I'm a biter. I buess that's what I do in teh world".
when one child bites another child, hyour first impulse may be to sparate them But often the moments that follow the injury can be full of valuable lessonsf or both children. When we remove the child who bites and only comfort the onther child, neither child is allowed to complete the interaction.
if, however, we faicilitate a resolution between the children, we have the opportunity to teach several things: how to communicate, how to respond to being hurt, and how not to bite.