Listening/Discipline For 2.5 Year Old

My son is the same age, and does the same thing. I call it the "teenage mirror" syndrome. 2 going on 14....he acts sweet and innocent while explaining what he did wrong, yet the lesson goes in one ear and out the other. I finally stopped "talking" like a sweet mommy. I'm a single parent so I have to play both good cop/bad cop. I sound angry when I explain what he did wrong, and because of that he takes it more serious. Maybe it's time for the "bad cop" to come out of you and sound angry. Kids can pick up on emotions.

So completely normal, and your persistent work with him will eventually pay off. He will learn the empathy he sees in the adults in his life and that you practice toward him, but he simply isn't there yet. My grandboy, now 4, is coming out of this stage, but we still often have to get down to his level, touch his shoulder, look him in the eye, and give him a very clear time limit (sometimes with a countdown) or ask him to repeat our request to be sure he listened.

It is a natural tendency to ignore what we don't want to hear – even adults do it. I also agree that his looking away and smiling is not purely amusement, but probably includes discomfort at your displeasure. He simply doesn't know what do do with those contradictory feelings yet. My daughter even had a dog that did exactly that behavior when caught being naughty. The automatically-triggered smile is probably meant to disarm and soften the scolding by the larger, stronger person.

There are things you can do to force or shame him into better behavior, but in my experience, parents who do this pay for it in less satisfying relationships with their kids; less trust, less affection but more neediness, and greater likelihood of rebellion as the child gets more independent. Bribing also sets up a situation where the child doesn't learn the personal, internal rewards of choosing the healthiest behavior. Both approaches are prone to keeping a child too dependent on outside approval or reacting against outside disapproval. There can be hell to pay when the teen years arrive.

Be consistent, be gentle, model the behavior you expect from him, and he'll get there. Since he's so verbal, you may also be at the perfect point to read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I think you'll be impressed with the possibilities. Liz A.'s book suggestions are also excellent resources.

I discipline without doing things that "sound awful but" and without taking things away. (more on that below) Smiling can be a nervous reaction (how many times can you remember an adult saying something not so nice and then laughing slightly afterwards?) I also find that reasoning, when done with problem-solving as the goal, IS effective.

Sounds to me that your son fits the "spirited" category who are often advanced & confident. A great place to start is "Raising your Spirited Child" by Kurcinka, available at many libraries and also in audio form.

What helped me was to take a minute to find out where he is coming from. Once I discovered my son's objection, it very often was easy to meet that AND still enforce what I wanted to have happen. I also learned to "set things up" so that they are inviting. "Playful Parenting" by Cohen is a great book to teach this. It doesn't take any more time and my kids don't fight me. Once you get the hang of it, it becomes second nature.

As far as hitting, a toddler or preschooler doesn't really get that hitting hurts the other person. His brain doesn't empathize and understand that. It's not right to do, but happens with many kids this age. My advice is to act "for" him as much as possible. Watch him like a hawk and intervene when he's about to hit. Keep hard objects away when he's playing with others. And when he does hit, speak for him and apologize, set things right & then move him away. <g>

You are not a pushover as long as you are preventing him from doing something. You can prevent calmly & kindly just as effectively as yelling or punishing. Either way is keeping him from doing it. The former is helping you stay close to your child, the latter isn't. Likewise, you are not a pushover as long as you follow through and your child does something. You can get him to do something by helping it to be fun, by solving his objections (if they are minor) and by not doing anything until what you want to happen does happen. Again, you don't need to yell or punish to do this.

I've been raising my extremely headstrong (and intelligent) son this way for six years and absolutely treasure the close-knit bond we have because I enforce discipline without being the "bad guy" and taking things away or punishing him other ways.

Well, I hope it's normal because that's exactly how my 2 1/2 yr old daughter is. I think you're handling things well; you just have to keep it up. It takes a gzillion times before things sink in with them, but they eventually do get it as long as you're consistent. As far as the smiling, it sends me through the roof because I think, "Oh my god, my child is evil." BUT, I really think it is one of two things: 1) they enjoy getting a reaction out of you, so don't give one. If you remain calm and simply state how things are, that gets the message across much better than if you lose it. 2) I remember when I was little, I felt so uncomfortable and nervous getting in trouble that I would giggle. It doesn't seem logical, but it's an involuntary reaction. Regardless, I wouldn't worry about the smiling unless you see him obviously taking pleasure in hurting others. Also, if I can come up with a consequence that's related to the situation, that is the most effective. For example with the hitting, take the hammer away and make him apologize (or model it for him if he won't do it). Time outs are really just to calm kids down; they don't teach good behavior. I have felt like I was getting nowhere with my daughter and then out of the blue she will calmly say to herself, "That's not nice. Be gentle." They're listening. We just have to keep reinforcing the message. Hang in there!

Even if he is very smart, he is still only two and a half. By reasoning with him, you give him the power in the relationship. He is not ready for that. You should step back and examine what you say to him. To him, "listen" means hear.

You want him to do what you say, not to just hear you, he has done what you ask if you tell him ot listen. Instead, tell him what to do in very concrete terms. At his stage of development (no matter how smart he is) you will have more success if you say only what you mean (no ephamism) and tell him what to do instead of what to stop doing. I would not spend any time negotiating with a 2 year old; negitiation leads kids to think that the reason they did something wrong matters, and it does not matter in the least why he hit, hitting is wrong and that is what he should take away from the event. It should not be a converstation at all, it should be you telling him exactly what he did wrong, reinforcing that it is wrong, and telling him what you want him to do instead. The next time he does what you tell him to do, praise him for doing it. Set him up to succeed.

If you really think that your son has trouble with empathy, then that is different. I would keep a sharp eye on his behavior and act sooner, rather than later, if you have other areas where you are asking "is this typical..." The first time you have a concern that leads you to think that he needs evaluation, you should probably go get one ASAP.

M.

Sometimes, our daughter pretends ot to listen ( I think it is a way she can feel power in the situation) but I notice later that she did. She might, out of the blue, repeat what I had talked about earlier. ie "Hey mom, I'm not going to pull the dog's ears." I would say it is probably just a part of being two, and continue teating your son calmly and with respect. I would read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..."

Here are some good tips and more info is available at the link below:

Use positive discipline to redirect your child’s behavior, and you validate the legitimacy of your child’s desires and shows you care and understand. Redirecting endorses your child’s right to choose and begins to teach that others have rights, too.

Children also respond to reasoning – it just needs to be put into their language.

* ‘Inside feet’ versus ‘outside feet’
* ‘Soft hands’ versus ‘hard hands’
* ‘Inside voices’ versus ‘outside voices’

http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...

smiling is a sign of lying. my oldest who is 20 has 2 telltale signs hes lying. one is smiling the other is fidgiting. and 2 is old enough to try to lie his way out of trouble. I think hes taking you serious if he minds but I have a feeling the smiling is a telltale sign hes trying to lie his way out of trouble. looking away from you is another lie sign. some kids cant look you in the eye when they are lying. and if you turn his face to yours when disciplining him I bet his eyes turn to the left which is a sign of lying. never let him know how you can tell hes lying. he will always wonder how you did it.

I had to get my kids to crack. I had to push them emotionally to the place where they cried. I know that sounds awful, but it worked. Remorse is a lesson, as it is not something I think we are born with. All 3 of mine have gone through periods where there is NO remorse, and I find that hurting them emotionally by taking away video games, toys, no playtime, sitting on the naughty mat for 20 minutes, etc was how I was able to get them to crack....so they could see the seriousness of it. I don't yell and scream or hit, and I don't say mean things or call them names - it's more of taking away things they love untl they cry....it's almost like they need to cry to put those two emotions together.

My oldest went through this at 5 and I was shocked, since he was always such a gentle and caring guy. After 1 year in kindergarten, he was stoic and unfeeling. I would punish him by taking away video games - he had no response. I took something else away as well - still nothing. Then I took away play dates with his best friend - still nothing. I took away his golf lessons and he cracked. I explained that kids who are act mean and treat people badly do not get to do fun things. He finally got it and was able to SLOWLY earn those things back. We also decided to homeschool after that and a few other things where we saw his personality change for the worse. He's back to my loving and happy son.

Currently, we are dealing with our 24 month old daughter, who will go and pull our son's hair and then laugh. She'sll scratch his face, pinch is ear, etc and he's just sitting there reading. She looks at me for a reaction. I think it's for attention, so she gets even less. I send her to the naughty mat where I can't see her and vice versa, but I can hear her and she stays there until she's done screaming. She HATES the naughty mat.

Find out what his currency is - what makes him tick. He will get it....

I'm glad to hear that others have this same problem. I hope it's normal b/c my son does the same thing.

It sounds to me as if there are 2 things going on....

1. He's being a typical 2.5 year old and exerting his new found independence. It's our job as parents to reign that in and put them in their appropriate role within the family's structure.

2. It doesn't sound as if time-outs are working. They certainly don't for our son who is 2.5 years-old and never have.

From the way you explain it, he's either choosing not to understand the gravity of the consequence, or he can't be rationalized with as a 2.5 year old.

I'd look for a different method of disciplining that works for him. We've found that taking things away from our son (things of importance) is one of the best motivators we have. We've also found that enticing him with things he'd like is another good motivator. It can be nominal things like a matchbox car for $0.97 at Walmart - he can work towards earning 1 over whatever the specified time frame is.

I'm sure other parents view us as being too disciplinarian, but it's important to me to have well-behaved kids who are enjoyable to be around.

Be consistent, be firm, don't give in and keep searching to find out what's the method that's most appropriate for him - even if it's the hardest for you to carry through with.

Good luck.

No one has the perfect technique/words/method for discipline. Most will talk about being consistent, but if only rely on "time out," or warnings and then consequences, a bright child will weigh the consequences and choose to act out. Some times acting out just happens because they are tired, hungry, want attention, are immature etc. Just heard a broadcast on Focus on the Family that said that time out is generally only effective for cooperative children, and that if we are predictable in our consequences then it isn't memorable enough to prevent future behavior. Remember, that discipline isn't just about punishing behavior, but training a child to do the correct behavior. He's smiling because he wants to avoid consequences and he knows that smiling at you makes you happy and knows that he has a chance of avoiding your displeasure. Consequences are only effective if it is something that the child doesn't want to have happen...generally being sent to his room isn't one of these for a 2.5 year old...they don't understand it and how it correlates to hitting someone with a hammer...this is just like the 3 Stooges to him and he doesn't get how it hurts...its just funny to him. I've seen Montessori schools set up a little wood working shop with nails that are half driven into wood...the kids have real hammers to hit the nails. Teach him to handle the hammer the right way and let him hit nails. If it slips and hits his thumb, he might understand pain enough to know he shouldn't hit others (and won't knock himself as hard next time). Read him books that build empathy and good choices...we like books from the series Wisdom and the Millers...(even though we aren't Mennonite or Amish :) Remember you don't need to take a full blown parenting course to be effective in your parenting. Trust your instincts.