Lilfe Goes by So Fast....

OMG 30 feeling low about it. You will be happy to know that life gets better as the years go on. I am 63 and having a blast!

Yes, life goes by fast, but I am 55. You are young yet. Find something that excites you and do it.

Looking over your posts, I'd say, if you dont do something about that marriage, you are going the way of your mom.

But if you don't get some good counseling, your loneliness will drive you to make bad decisions. It will make you stay in an abusive marriage, lead to an affair or if you drop this guy, lead to to the arms of another loser.

Your next 40 yrs are what you need to invest in. You spent the first 18 in childhood, which seem pretty trauma filled. The next 10, with that information you spent them making some questionable decisions. But you, most likely, have more than those 30 yrs left to learn to treat yourself and your kids better. You have time to grow in ways that will help you make good decisions. Good luck!

Life only gets better as you get older. I feel like my life didn't start until I hit 30, and now in my 40s? I'm loving it. Sex is better, food is better, life is better.

I really don't get why our culture values youth. There wasn't anything all that great about being 20. Sure, I can't stay up dancing all night, but who cares! There is so much more to life....

Please don't wish away your life dreading a decade from now. Face life head on. If you are unsure of your marriage, go to counseling. Go by yourself and figure yourself out. Maybe then you'd have the courage to ask your husband to go with you.

I've been married for 31 years. I'm a lot older than you. I actually laughed when I read your first sentence because I thought it sounded silly. Then I read the rest and I'm worried about you. Please go to counseling before 10 years go by and you've become an anxious wreck.

Whoa--life's over at 30? I'm in trouble! Lol
I turn 50 this year and I'm loving life.
Thing is--it's not your "age" that can make life bad; it's "life" that can make life bad.
If there are bad things in your life--eliminate or change them.
Good luck!

D., you've received some excellent responses. I just want to say, I was about your age when I felt that I'd run out of answers and had 'nothing' left for the future. So I know it is downright scary to feel that way.

I did what the ladies below me have suggested and went to talk to someone. Gradually, I came to a place where I had enough support that I was able to change my life for the better. I cut off a toxic relationship with a family member, divorced my addicted ex-husband, and took some time alone to heal and figure out what I wanted for myself, how I wanted to treat myself, what I wanted for the future....

I am now 43, 12 years into a strong relationship with a good and loving man and we are married with a 6 year old boy. I spent the better part of my 30s working through stuff in counseling (both individual and couples, so we are a very strong team) and am living my 'happily ever after' right now.

The reason I am telling you this is because *you can do this too*. You can improve your life if you choose to and if you commit yourself to this investment in yourself and your kids. It starts with the hard baby step of calling up a counselor and taking the risk of starting a therapeutic relationship with someone. And then getting to that first appointment, then the second... it isn't an heroic strength that you need to change your life, it's the willingness to take those very little steps, one at a time.

My forties are so far my favorite decade in life.... trust me, go talk to someone. It's totally worth it! I am telling you this to encourage you. I've talked with many women who will tell you that going to counseling/therapy is the most difficult thing they've ever started, but the best thing they have could have done. It can be completely life-changing for the so-much-better.:)

Life only gets better and better in your 30s and 40s. You finally grow out of being a spoiled teen and you stop caring so much about what others think of you and start just living your life. Even if you do divorce at 40, you did not waste those years, they are full of happy memories. Just because a relationship does not last forever does not mean the time dedicated to it was a waste. You seem to have a really doom and gloom outlook right now, have you ever considered talking to a therapist? And if you feel lonely in your marriage maybe some couples sessions are in order as well.

You weren't nineteen just yesterday. It's just the crazy way time goes. You don't notice what it's doing. I'm way past 30, and I'm still the same person on the inside (I sure don't look the same on the outside!), and the time hasn't gone any faster for me - or for you - than it does for everyone else.

But that's not what you're talking about, is it?

Here's something to learn on your thirtieth birthday: Do not take the counsel of your fears. They'll trick you every time. And then they'll laugh at you.

If you're unhappy about your marriage, you may have a lousy marriage, or you may have a semi-lousy marriage (fixable!), or you may be unhappy about something in yourself. What if you ended your marriage and found out the unhappiness was still there? What if it weren't the marriage's fault?

If it really, really bothers you, find someone to talk to about it. Make it someone who thinks marriage is a good thing and not a waste of a life. Find out if there's something you can do to make yourself more positive, more confident, and see if it can overflow into your marriage. It sounds from what you write as if you are dealing with a lot of negativity both inside and outside of you.

By the way, loneliness isn't a fault of a marriage. It comes with being a person. No one has a life of total non-loneliness (on the inside). Don't ever, ever, ever count on another person to take away your loneliness, your fear, and anything else that you may not like. That isn't what marriage is for, except in Disney movies.

I agree with others. Go to counseling. We can all feel lonely in our marriages if we let it happen. It takes two to be a couple and it takes work for a marriage to work. Don't focus on your mom's relationship. My mom and Dad didn't have this great relationship. Yes, they stayed together and we're the best of friends, but they really didn't have any passion for each other. Marriages have a lot of ups and downs.

In my 30s, I was always dreading the next year. I just turned 40 and I feel great. I have found many things I'm passionate about. I love spending time with my kids. I have discovered cooking can be fun. I wear less makeup than I did in my 20s. I don't surround myself with people who bring me down like I used to. 40 is cool and hip. Look at Jennifer Aniston. She said in an interview that her 40s have been her best years.

Oh, D., those feelings are so damn important to pay attention to, but not to run from. I didn't get clobbered by them until I was 39, when I had a fairly intense emotional breakdown, which eventually revealed itself to be lifting me UP, not down.

The island of your life isn't growing any bigger, but your soul is – living life does that to us. Youth is wonderful, but it is, for most of us, also limiting. We haven't really learned who and what we are, so believe what our circumstances tell us about ourselves – everything from race, gender and age to the social class, education, and the brand of religion we were raised in, marriage, parenting – we tend to believe that whole package is true. And it simply is not true for many of us. This is your chance to question it all. I'm sorry that causes so much discomfort, but it is normal, natural, and necessary. We don't grow if we're too comfortable.

So you're feeling uncomfortable, on the brink of something possibly terrifying. This suggests to me that your thoughts are more invested in the future than in the life you are experiencing right now. 'Right now' is the only place life is actually happening – the past and its successes and regrets are something of a ball and chain we drag with us, the future we so worry about hasn't arrived yet. Think about it – most of those things you have dreaded in the future did NOT fulfill your fears, and the things that really needed your attention often arrived unexpected.

I hope you handle this as a wake-up call, sweetheart, to really look at who you are, and what your priorities are, and wonder what larger things life might have in store for you. There are plenty of ways to approach this sense of crisis, which is also filled with opportunity. Consider talking to a warm hearted counselor, or your minister/rabbi/priest, or a peer-counseling group, or checking out some of the many self-help resources now available. I found the self-inquiry of The Work (www.thework.com/‎) very helpful, but recognize that other people will need other pathways.

I'm holding you in Light. I believe the possibility for great joy extists in your future. I left my first marriage at about your age, with the help of a counselor, I should add, and it was not the end of anything worth keeping, but the beginning of a much happier life, filled with growth and rich experience.

Amen to Patricia G., and Doris Day too (actually I liked all the answers so far).

I just had to renew my driver's license and have a new picture taken. I'm 43 now, and the last one was taken when I was 31-32ish. I always hated that picture but after seeing the new one I thought "wow I looked pretty good back then!"

My point is that your early 30's are a precious time - you're old enough to have some wisdom but young enough to look great and do what you want to do.

I'm sure when I'm in my 50's I'll look back on my 40's the same way.

Please don't let your mom color your thinking. You are NOT her. Your life is a unique and precious gift. Think about what you want out of your life and go after it! As you said it goes quickly.

Good luck.

Without reading your previous posts, it sounds to me like you were conditioned by your mother to believe that life is over at 40. It also sounds like she saddled you with all of her emotional baggage.

I am assuming the only way to undo all of this is through counseling. I heard somewhere that 70% of your reaction is in your upbringing and the other 30% is from your life experiences. It sounds like you need to 'reboot' the way you view your world and only a trained counselor can help you to do this.

There is so much more to life than anxiety and loneliness you are feeling. Even at 40 you more than likely have more than half of your life left. Why spend all of that time being miserable? Get some help so that you can live life to the fullest and break the cycle with your children.

Good luck!

Oh, sweetheart, don't be sad. Your thirties are a really great time. Being young is fun, but so is being 30! You are old enough to have learned from most of your mistakes. You are young enough to still feel hot (and will be for quite some time). You are old enough to be more confident. You are young enough to still have awesome things to learn about yourself. Sometimes we focus on all the things we lose as we age and we don't focus on the things we gain. Sure we gain wisdom and perspective and all that boring stuff. But we also gain a deeper sense of what is beautiful, a more independent and brave spirit, a greater understanding of our own worth and sexuality. The thirties, in my opinion are the best years and you have GREAT things to look forward to.

If you are not happy in your marriage that has nothing to do with your thirties. You have 3 choices. You can do your best to fix what you feel is broken, you can walk away from what can't be fixed, or you can live miserably. The third would never be an option because you can have a do over at falling in love but you can't have a do over on the years you wasted being unhappy and afraid to figure out how to GET happy. Every day is a one time shot.

If you don't feel like you are in a place to make a lifetime change, take a weekend to really evaluate what you want, what it would take to get it, and how you can make it happen, whether it's an education, financial independence, whatever it is...even if it seems shallow to someone else it doesn't matter if it has meaning to you. Then start about the adventure of doing and getting those things! Then you will be in a better position to evaluate your life and marriage because you won't be doing it through the filter of your own fears.

Life doesn't end when you turn 30, and 40 isn't when it's all over!
I didn't even have my first child until I was 30. I had my second at 33 and my third I was 38, going on 39 years old. I've been married 18 wonderful years, been with my husband for 21 years. I am about to celebrate my 43rd birthday.
I feel like I have nothing but time and life to live ahead of me! Age is nothing more than a number on a piece of paper. Age does not define you. It does not hold you down.
If you are unhappy with your marriage you need to find out why and work on fixing it. You are not your mother, you are your own person. Don't assume that what happened to her will happen to you. It very well may not.

i spent my 30th birthday lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself. i TOTALLY get it. and it's no use us older gals pointing out how young you still are, i know.
but you are<G>.
cheer up, sweetie. your 40th will feel completely different. when you turn 40 you'll feel confident and vibrant and in charge of your destiny. it'll be good to leave the uncertainties and anxieties of young-womanhood behind.
use the anxiety over wasting time to think long and hard about what you want out of life, and make those positive changes NOW. you will still be able to do it in your 50s, but why not start feeling alive and happy and excited and adventurous today?
you can, you know. you absolutely do have the strength to make those changes. and a DECADE to go until you turn 40.
but don't wait until then.
khairete
S.

It does - I was 18 yesterday and now I'm 45. And the future is scary. If it weren't, I'd be more worried you were living in some kind of daydream bubble of unrealistic expectations.
I want to encourage you though. Encourage you to take heart and know there is no finish line you are working towards, there is no one you need to be by 30 you can't be by 40 or 50. Encourage to work on your marriage. I have had thoughts in the past about divorce, whether it is all worth it. And though we still have someways to go, today - after almost 20 years of marriage - we are happier than we have ever been. We wouldn't be though if we hadn't really put the work in, heard some very hard things from the other, and decided to make the changes we needed to make. I am not saying this always works, just that I think you owe it to yourself to give it your all and hope your husband is willing to do the same. As a very wise woman who took up piano at the age of 75 once said to me: "If not now, then when?" Words to live by.

OMG!! I'm ancient. I'm 32 and pregnant with baby #3.

Seriously though. We take age too seriously. Your age is just a number, it doesn't, or shouldn't, define you.

Be as old as you feel.

Some days I feel 100 years old, some days I feel 20.

I'm sorry your having such a hard time..to me it's not the age that is your problem...but more intense stuff and a lot of what ifs. Turn those what ifs into something. Life is nothing but opportunity and if you have problems you should fix them

Once I hit 30 I saw how fast life was going and how old I was getting...it does go quickly. I noticed it at about 31,32, maybe.

Please please please read what K-Bel wrote below. I second all of that!