Keeping the Marriage Alive

I have read THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES & it was very good.

I have also read BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN PEOPLE by Alan Loy McGinnis & that was helpful in motivating others to feel good (which in turn comes back around to you).

I have purchased but not read yet, GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT - A GUIDE FOR COUPLES by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

I can attest that reading these self-help books are very helpful. Take the time to write things down (or highlight the stuff you want to look back at). Then see if you can get your partner to read it also if he will. If I hadn't of done these things I would have ended up staying in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic/gambling addict that basically blamed me for everything....then married his secretary after flaunting her in front of me. Heck of a nice guy, right? But I can see it for exactly what it is now. If you have a really good man INVEST the TIME FOR DATING EACH OTHER!! AND INVEST THE TIME TO READ & EDUCATE YOURSELF. Knowledge is power.

T.

Hi S.,
I agree with the suggestions from the other ladies, I find that me and my DB (of over 5 years) get so wrapped up in our day-to-day routines, sometimes I forget that we are in love, I don’t have answers, I just know that sometimes I look at him and think to my self "Now... Who is this man again? Oh yeah, he's my best friend" I kind of laugh and feel sad at the same time. I do express my self about that, I think I've come to realize (for me in my relationship) that when we have forgotten to participate in our romantic side of our relationship, I don’t need to make a big subject out of it (like I used to) I just tell him "Its time for Us time" He always seams to agree, and we spend time doing something together, usually my pick, I'm lucky that way, he's so easy going, he's like "Anything you want dear". I have read many relationship books (lol) but realized that they were all more geared on how to get in one, now that I'm in one, I too want to know how to keep the love alive, I have heard wonderful things about Dr. Laura's Book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" so I just bought it recently, I'll have to check out that book "The Five Love Languages" Kathy was talking about too.
I love my DB and feel our relationship is worth fighting for, so I (like you) am consciously trying to stay aware of what’s going on and taking action to keep it alive.
I don’t know if anything I said is of any use to you, but I appreciate the topic and what the other ladies have to say about it. Good Luck.
J..

Do you have date night? A time that you and your husband set aside for yourselfs? If not thats probably the first thing you need! At least once a week get a sitter and go to dinner and a movie or at the very least a walk through the park or something where you can each discuss whats going on in your lives. (sad to say but sometimes we have no clue what things our spouses are dealing with)and I suspect your husband has no idea how you really feel about whats going on. Best of luck to you!

Hi S.,

I know how difficult your situation is right now. Trust me, I have been there and done that, I HATED the tee-shirt!!

I found a great book on relationships that I have really enjoyed and has seemed to help in my relationship. Its called "The Five Love Languges" by Gary Chapman. It really explained a lot to me on how I percieve love and how differently my husband percieved it. It gave us both a better understanding of how we were communicating and now I understand so much more.

The other thing I found to keep that feeling alve, was actually something I took from (of all people) my ex husband and his new wife. they are blessed enough to be able to do this more then us, as we have all of the children full time, but either way.... One weekend a month, we try to set aside the weekend with JUST us. Sometimes we only have a short time, but we still will go on a picnic, the museum, or even just spend a day in bed watching our favorite movies from the past, and giggle and cuddle. We all need time without our wonderful children to just remember what its like to be an adult. We have 5 children between us, so finding time is sometimes hard, but I know I get so caught up at times with being a mom, he gets caught up in being the home provider, and it feels like when we dont take a break from it all, we lose ourselves to the daily life and forget why we fell in love in the first place.

take time together and enjoy the love that has just been put on the back burner.

Good luck & if you ever need a friend to talk to, you re welcome to contact me directly (____@____.com)

My husband and I have been married almost 4 years and I am kind of in the same boat as you but I'll try and give you a little advice. Almost every problem we've had has to do with the kids(discipline, etc.) and not being together enough. We just moved and don't have any family or a babysitter so our main problem is not having any "us" time, which I think is extremely important.
Every couple has different issues, I would just advise you to make the time (I know there isn't any!) to work all these issues out, because letting them build up can destroy any relationship. Sit down and let your husband know how you feel again.(Make sure he's listening and not watching tv!) Make sure you take some time out just for the 2 of you, because he probably thinks that the kids get all the attention and that he's not important to you anymore either.
I think men just get comfortable in a relationship after so long and they don't feel like they have to make that extra effort. Or he may not even realize how big of a problem it is. When I think we're getting too comfortable I make the extra effort to do something nice for him (compliment him if he's the breadwinner, make his favorite snack... whatever works) and hope that the effort pays off.
Good luck with everything and stick with it. Try to remember when you first were together and remember that the kids won't be around forever!

Take sometime out just for you guys. My hubby and I have our night, where we go out as a couple again. It has been great, like we are dating again. We both get dressed up and make a big deal about it. I pick the activity sometimes and he gets to plan the other times.
I also found that when I started taking sometime out just for me, I started feeling a lot better about myself and I was much easier to get a long with too. So find what makes you happy and focus some of your time and energy on enhancing that.

You definitively need some time alone with your husband. We have our 1 year old in daycare, and they organize a parents-night-out day. We love it because our kid is in good hands while we can go out to a movie or dinner.

I have not been together as long as you have, but I have experienced it all the same...not to mention seeing my friends and family go through the same thing. It's tough to be with someone so long and not take them for granted, or for you to feel taken for granted and invisible and angry. At least that's what happened to me. I got to the point of where I began to withdraw. Reading the 5 love lanuages was huge for me. It's tough to be so nice and loving to someone you wanna punch in the gut, but it made a big difference. Being as loving and caring as possible. Asking him to help out with a little thing around the house. Not doing anything around the house except picking up my own things, so he finally got sick of it and helped out...now he cleans up after himself and me. Finding what really made me feel good about myself; working out, coffee w/friends. Making dates w/him and having that time alone and w/the family to really connect. We have completely opposite schedules and not a lot of cash so it's really a challenge, but it's extremely important to me to continue to treat each other well, communicate, and love each other...I'm only doing this once, so I make sure we each give 100% (none of this 50/50 stuff, gotta give it your all).

S.,
I'm not writing to give advice, I'm glad to read that there is somebody out there that is in the same boat. I'll be married for 9 years in Aug. I have 2 kids 7yrs and 6yrs. I'm currently residing in our guest bedroom so I can sleep at night and he can snore all he wants. and we don't fight before going to bed.
He gets home from working all day and it seems he walks in the house and points out what I haven't done all day. Instead off seeing the things that I did do. Tidying up the bathroom and cleaning the toilet that he pees on... folding the laundry, that I haven't quite put away yet.Anyway, he gets upset that he doesn't get my time at night. I told him that if he wants that time with me to help a little around the house, the biggest turn on is me not having to be a slave.
Anyway... it's not anything mush to say other then you're not alone! If you'd like to write and get it off your chest please do!