First off, I have been getting alot of flack here recently and I think I want to just vent and hear some of your stories. My husband and I have a 7 month old daughter. We have one set of friends in particular that have a 10 month old daughter. The mother of this friend baby is very judgemental of my parenting skills (basically saying I am to by the book). I am all for receiving advice but only when I ASK for it. There are some things this friend family does that I do not agree with AT ALL but I have never once even voiced my opinion. My motto is, take care of your own, let them take care of theirs. This momma friend likes to assert her opinion and make me feel like a bad parent, even when I know I am doing what is best for me and my child.
Example- My daughter started baby food at 6 months (3 weeks ago) She has just recently developed good eating skills by showing chewing motions and using her tongue well. She is able to eat finger foods and drinks juice/water once perday at snack time. We are on stage 1 and are going to finish up what is in the pantry, about 3 more days worth, then we are going on to stage 2. If she does well about a week on stage 2 we'll move on to stage 3. And so forth. So this mom pops off completely out of the blue by saying she couldn't believe I was still on stage 1 and that I obviously didn't want my child to grow up. She said her child was on full table food by 6 months and I needed to graduate her. Okay that's fine for her child. (What I didn't say to her was) And your child is 10 months and you completely took her off formula, allow her to eat sweets and salt laden foods and then wonder why she is considered underweight on the growth chart (because she isn't getting proper nutrients). SO I calmly explained that my daughter has diabetes on both sides of her family tree (one grandma is having bad complications with diabetes now and one great grandma died from diabetes related causes)
As a result of this, I am very conscious about what goes into her mouth and I want to take the first 3 years to teach her healthy eating habits so that hopefully she will take care of her body since she is so at-risk.
So why do these mom judge people? I know I am a first time mom, I know my child may not be as fast developmental as some others, but really?
Also, do you have any good parently books you love? I am hungry for information-I love to read anything I can get my hands on parenting wise.
Thanks so much for listening and replying!!!
Thank you all so much for your answers. I do realize everyone is judgemental is some capacity, I know I am as I obviously don't agree with the mama friend's parenting styles, but I guess what I should have asked is why some moms have no tact and don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
I do personally pride myself of being very aware of what I say around other moms about their children bc of this very situation, so in some ways I guess it has helped me to bit just a little bit more caring as a person.
I am going to take everyone's advice though and cease beign around this 'friend'. The friendship is really not worth all the stress and upset she causes me.
SO ANNOYING! I wonder what this friend would say given a dose of her own medicine? That wouldn't be right though would it? LOL I never knew everything that becoming a parent entails. I knew I would have to change diapers, get up at night with the baby & not be able to do as I'd please but I didn't realize the half of it!! I think it's best to keep a sense of humor and make "this too shall pass" my mantra.
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First of all, she's obviously very insecure about her own competence as a mother. Perhaps you should say to her the next time she says something, "Isn't it amazing that humanity has survived all this time without parenting books or age guidelines on neatly packaged items of food? Clearly every child isn't the same or they would all be Einstein or Rainman or Charles Manson, but most fall in between somewhere on the line.
With my first I had a pretty cool group of mothers to hang around at our neighborhood playgroup, but some were Nazis about breastfeeding and organic EVERY freaking thing. I would just always say, "Hmmmmm -I prefer to be more relaxed. It seems to make our household run more smoothly when I'm not a stress case over every little thing. I have survived and even thrived -and I was completely formula fed and never even heard of organics until I was in my 20s." Sometimes you just have to give a few pointed remarks and the comments die away quickly.
Some people always think their way is the best. My advice is to let her know that some of her comments and opinions offend you and/or hurt your feelings. She probably has no idea that you're offended and thinks she is giving you helpful advice. Maybe once you voice that she will back off. If not, take it with a grain of salt and ignore it, my mom is one of these people and I have to just bite my tongue a lot of the time, although she does have some good advice some of the time.
Mothering is instinctual - you know your child best and what is best for them. My daughter wasn't on solids until 8 mos... and she's fine... each child is different. I would recommend "Instinctual Parenting" - which is more of a light read humorous look at how obsessed we've become w/ doing the "right" thing. Follow your gut, love your child and they will be okay even if they eat sugar sometimes, you keep them up late, skip a nap, sleep with them, give them juice.... all really doesn't matter in the long run. Good luck!
Oh just IGNORE her!
Some people are just overbearing. SHE is not the only parent in the world.
And you go according to your Pediatrician.
The book: "What to expect the first year" is a classic.
And the website: www.babycenter.com is really good.
good luck,
Susan
I swear after some people have kids they think it gives them the right to say and speak all that they know or think they know about children. I would politely tell her you don't appreciate her comments and if that doesn't stop her then maybe its time to cut your visits with her.
Just keep doing what your doing, you know whats best for your child.
Sounds like your doing a great job momma!!! Please keep doing what your doing your way. Never mind that mom who judges you!! Find like minded moms to hang out with. Do not second guess yourself because of her. You have some great support here and I am sure some of the moms here will give you the names of some good books!
Why do moms judge people? Mostly, because they like to hear themselves talk. Please keep in mind that there is a LOT of perceived competition with some women. And a LOT of exaggeration. If someone is making you feel bad, then stop talking to them. If it's a relative, tune them out.
As far as asking questions here, it's a public forum. When you ask a question, you are going to receive a lot of different advice from people of all walks of life. Some you can immediately disregard, some take with a grain of salt. You can always choose to not read something.
As far as books go, I worked at a bookstore for a loooooong time. I never found anything that was really worthwhile to purchase in a parenting book.
I can totally relate to you! I had a "friend" who just loved to judge my parenting. She thought I was too easy-going and didn't discipline my child enough. I disliked her parenting style also, but I always kept my mouth shut about it. She would make snide comments and I would try to ignore her. Needless to say, we are not friends any more. And that is just fine with me. My life is a lot less stressful now. I now surround myself with supportive and kind people.
I don't know why women feel the need to judge each others parenting. Its like some women think its a contest to see who has the best child and who is the best mother. I personally never try to judge anyone's parenting. As long as the child is healthy and happy, people can parent their children however they choose in my opinion.
You need to either speak up and tell these people to butt out, or you need to end the friendship. Because it WILL boil over at some point and you may lose your temper and say something you regret. That is what happened to me. I should have ended the friendship when the snide comments started, but I didn't. And it ended up boiling over and I said a lot of things to this person that I regret. I am glad that the "toxic" friendship is over, but I should have handled it differently. I don't want that to happen to you also. Nip it in the bud now, and you will be much happier for doing so.
And you sound like a great mama! Don't let anyone tell you that your not!
You need to follow your pediatrician's advice and not worry about this other mother. My children didn't have teeth until they were 1 so there was no way I could feed them table food. I did buy a baby food grinder and would give them what we ate except ground up but that was after checking with my Ped. You sound like you are doing a great job and I would either un-friend this person or just ignore their "advice".
Next time say I know I should be feeding her table food, but i dont want her to get hooked on the junk food (insert something here you know she feeds hers that is bad) like 'some' people's kids, that might shut her up. Also you are doing the right thing, most current research shows not to start them on solids until closer to six months. Starting them on foods too early can lead to food allergies, especially when you have food issues on both sides of the family. I have a ten month old and we just started her on real solids (cheerios and such) most of the food she eats is still pureed fruit and veg. I have found that when people are very bossy and judgmental like this its because they feel insecure/guilty about the choices they have made. I hae also found if I tell people I am following the advice of my doctor, they usually shut up
She sounds horrible. I'm not sure if you meant parenting books in terms of "how to's" as I think you got recommendations for that but what I found helpful were books written by mothers about not taking it all so seriously. One good one was Confessions of a Slacker Mom. Kind of fun reading. So much pressure now to do everything "perfectly" and what is "perfect" anyway? Have to say it doesn't necessarily get better. Mothers brag all the time etc. Good luck but get rid of this friend or I'd tell her "enough".
Being a first-time mom is tough. It's hard not to compare your child to others. My kids were both chunky - I was constantly worried that they were consuming too much milk/formula and both were always above the 90% on weight (thank goodness, they were matched on the chart on height). I'd ask the pediatrician at each visit, and he'd reassure me the kids were fine.
I'm not a "by the book" kind of mom. I prefer to use my instincts. To each his own. But, I needed the book for a few weeks after my son was born and learned what worked for us based upon my interaction with our pediatrician, family and friends.
My only caution with parenting books is that they're out of date as soon as they're printed.
The American Academy of Pediatrics is always updating their policies regarding everything from what your kids can eat (for instance, peanut butter doesn't need to be withheld until age 2 anymore), to how to discipline, to major/minor illnesses. They have a new parenting website that I love and often refer people on this site to: HealthyChildren.org
Because they update the site in accordance with their policies, it's always up to date.
I'm very cautious to refer to sites such as Dr. Sears, Dr. Greene, etc. because the sites are not only written by staff members, but the pediatricians, themselves, can't be practicing much and developing popular website content. Something has to give.
Trust your pediatrician's guidance - especially if they have kids similar in age to yours. We struck gold with ours. But, we don't follow his advice on everything and do a lot of research on our own. We don't agree with his approaches to discipline in all situations, so we do what feels best to us.
We're all opinionated, and it's hard to not compare/judge sometimes.
What your friend is doing is a little invasive and is very much the pot calling the kettle black.
Parenting is very much a learning experience, and our only goal is that we get it "right" more often than we get it "wrong".
Good luck.
Another DanaW
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I like to think I'm always ready to listen to advice (especially if I ask for it), but I'm not always willing to take it.
Just tell the other lady 'Your opinion has been noted' and 'When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it'. If the lady persists, it's time to spend more time with other friends. It's hard not to get caught up in a one upmanship game, but babies are all different and there's no one right way to do things. Your way is just as right as the next persons.
I have learned SO MUCH about myself since becomming a parent (DS is now 2). I found that once I became a parent, my "friend pool" narrowed considerably. Reasons like you described about are exactly why.
There are certain types of parents that have a style similar to my own that I enjoy being around. There are others that I avoid like the plague. Esp when the kids are little and not in school, this is very easy for you to do.
If it were me, I would find myself less and less involved with these friends. They're toxic and don't make you feel good about yourself. And dealing with the stress of being a new mom is plenty without having that kind of drama to deal with on top it.
I would put her in her place. Then I would drop them.
Just my 2 cents.
My daughter is now 6, so I have complete baby amnesia! I cannot remember at all what we were supposed to do.
Your "friend's" annoying behavior aside, I thought you weren't supposed to feed a baby table food until they had some teeth to chew. I don't think many 7 month olds do yet.
Do what you think is right for you child, let your friend do what she thinks is right. The next time your friend criticizes your parenting by telling you what she did, just say "Good for you!" in as sarcastic a tone as possible. If this doesn't help the situation, and it continues to irk you, don't get together with her anymore. Find moms you like more!
C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com
Vote for my blog!
You have some good responses on the crazy friend, so I won't address that!
My favorite parenting book is "The New Parenting Power!" by John Rosemond. He is so common-sense and his suggestions have helped us so much with our two girls.
Congrats on being so dedicated to feeding your baby healthy food, by the way! I think it is admirable to see moms educating their little ones on eating right.
Stay strong! You know what is best for your baby... and every baby is different and unique.
I commend you for holding your tongue with your friend. I would do the same, try to change the subject, politely nod and smile. But, if she pushes it, I wouldn't hesitate to limit contact with her if possible.
I find myself 'by the book' as well. I read a lot of different books and find the style and advice that works for me.
I love the 'touchpoints' books by Brazelton and I also like the Baby 911.
Good job monitoring what your baby eats now... because when she gets to be older, you may lose some of that control! But, my baby girl is 5 now and she will eat her veggies... even brussel sprouts!
Good luck
People tend to defend themselves against their own uncertainties by latching onto an idea or a system, and proselytizing like crazy. This is true of parenting, education, politics, religion…. it's just what people do until they notice that the results may not be what they expected. But most people never get around to noticing that. It would be so inconvenient. And upsetting.
But we all "preach," to some extent. I catch myself doing it. BUT, because I know it happens, I pay close attention to what I believe, what the results are, what else might work as well or better. I read a variety of parenting books (and the other above topics, too), talk to people who have different understandings, look at the results in their lives and relationships. Fortunately I've been around long enough to make some pretty informed comparisons, and feel confident but not defensive about where my investigations have taken me.
BUT, you are asking what to do about people who do that to you. I just thank them. Period. They mean well, or think they do. Then I do what I am led to do by my heart, my gut, and my intellect. If that doesn't include their advice, fine.
You don't have to explain yourself to her or defend your parenting. She sounds like the more aggressive "preacher" in your relationship. You might mention to her that you don't expect to teach her your parenting style. She may get the message.
If your "friends" are causing this much internal angst in you, why are you even bothering with them?
I also find it amusing that some of the other responses you received about "why are moms judgmental" include judgmental statements about others! Quite ironic, don't you think? (Even your post contained your judgmental thought on this other mom's parenting style!)
In general, people don't like qualities of others that are qualities they see in themselves. I'm not talking just parenting issues here. For example, if people eschew gossip, maybe it's because it's a quality they struggle with themselves. Interpersonal interaction is a true mirror to the soul!
My advice: Cut loose these friends that make you second guess your choices. You know your child best and you need to ignore the nasty comments as much as you can. Don't get sucked into the I'm-a-better-mommy-than-you-are game--it goes on for YEARS!!!
