Can This Friendship Be Saved

Definitely talk to her about it. She probably doesn't realize that she's insulting you. She's just going by what she knows as normal and wanting you to have that too. It does sound like she's having an easier time. She's probably just trying to help.

As far as a friendship with this good friend that's up to you. I had a friend like that. We both had boys and her son was quiet and docile and mine was very active and exploratory. She made lots of comments about his behavior as a behavior problem. I told her that not all children are docile like her son and it didn't seem normal to me. I didn't want to hang around her because it wasn't positive. Then she got pregnant again with a wild girl and got a taste of what was more normal. Her son has been more dependent on her and her husband than her daughter. He's now 20.

It doesn't sound worth saving at this time to me. Maybe she & you need to have play dates with others for a while.

---- it's so easy for other people to say'''''' if MY child did that I would ------"""" ---- one 'answer' you might give her is to say '''' I read all the books when ( your mellow older one) was tiny- and I've re-read most of them since ( your 3 year old) was born- and Doctor Brazleton( author of ''Touchpoints''' ) described my younger one to a 'T' - he's busy, intense, smart and high energy--- I could no more change him into a clone of my older one- than you could change YOUR little one into a football player-- Children are who they are --- I work very diligently to be a wonderful mother - shall we walk down to the park now???--

In other words -- try really hard to shake off her opinion and Thank Heaven that your little busy one is YOUR child- I shudder to think of his life if he were HERS --( sorry, know that sounds judgemental - she may be a lovely woman- but he's not hers.)

Blessings,
Old Mom- aka J. ( do you get to take 100 percent of the credit for how easy and easy-going your older one is??? - NO????? - then you don't get all the '''blame'' for the fact that your little one is himself- he's allowed to be)

J.,
I have 2 yr old twins (B/G) and they are so different. I also have a certain "friend" who also has 2 yr old twin B/G who makes little snide comments about how busy my son is. I must say that compared to her son who is totally clingy and whines quite a bit (really, not judging her butl just a fact about her child) and it does irritate me a little bit that she has time to say these little snide comments about putting my son on GPS so we can find him, etc.

I am glad my son is a active boy. He makes alot of work for me but I am glad he is not clingy, etc. My daughter is just so much easier. She is independent but also keeps an eye on me to see where I am to not go to far where my son keeps an eye on me so he can run when I am not looking:)

Anyhow, I have decided my "friend" has her owns issues and I know she makes these comments to make herself feel better or whatever but that is not a true friend and I just blow off her comments since I have to see her in quite a few social situations and don't care enough about it to confront her.

Be glad your son is active and I have found as a relatively new mother to 3 (5 mo old also) that some of the most judgemental people I have ever met are other moms and you just need to let the comments roll off your back unless they are from someone whose parenting you respect and are commenting with good intentions.

I take suggestions, etc with a grain of salt and follow my own gut with my kids and I think they are doing pretty good but then I may be a bit biased:) Good Luck

I remember how smart i was when i graduated from high school, i knew about everything and was going to save the world! yet 5 years later after two college degrees, somehow i knew so much less about everything in life.

apparently i didn't learn enough from that lesson, b/c a decade later i went on vacation with my husband's brother and his family (3 yr old boy and baby boy). we were both APPALLED at how much TV the older kid watched (how many times can you watch Ice Age??), and how they passed the baby around to anyone who would take him.

Then WE had a baby. Once again, lesson learned. My in-laws are GOOD parents, they are highly interactive with their kids at home. That week, they were on a rare vacation w/ family they rarely see and they needed a break.

Your friend has had a totally different, (and very limited) experience with parenthood so far. And if she has an 'easy' kid, and a girl, she may never experience what you are experiencing. If you're good friends, i think it's worth sitting down with her, sans kids, and telling her that you value the friendship and her opinions, but you don't want to feel judged, and you are confident that you are doing fine, the best you can with the situation you are in. it doesn't sound like you have, but be sure you don't abandon ship w/ helping him learn to listen, sit, etc. you may need to start very small and build on the smallest of successes, but as he develops he still needs to be learning those things.

For now, it may also help to be selective about the activities & locations you meet up for. Try to pick places, times of day, and activities that will be easier for your son to be either easily entertained or (relatively) calm. IE, let him get his yayas out before you all meet up, and try to pick an activity he will like but won't get him wound up or else do something where it is appropriate for him to be very active.

Wishing you good luck and a few moments of peace :)

You might want to downgrade that friendship. You don't have to be enemies, but it can be hard to be around parents with differing parenting styles, which you two probably have. She needs to either accept the fact that you are making different choices than she would, or she needs to find other friends. It is unfair and unpleasant for her to be nagging you about what you "should" do.

I guess you could say, "Listen, I understand that you have a different opinion and think I should be responding to my son differently. However, I am comfortable with my parenting style and his behavior. I really don't want to be nagged about this every time we get together. Can you accept us the way we are? If so, we would love to spend time with you, but if not, I think we should each spend our time with people who are a better match kid- and parenting-style wise."

J. - I have gone back and forth about whether I wanted to respond to this.
I will kind of go all over the board with this, here goes.

"He's sweet and well intentioned and no matter how many times I tell him to sit still he doesn't listen." Maybe your friend is tired of your son misbehaving. maybe it's not a sudden thing, but something that has been building up for her. Your son WILL listen if you enforce it and it very well might take a LONG time for him to get it, but he will. Maybe your girlfriend is seeing your son walk all over you.....
I had a girlfriend who's son was all over the place as well. He didn't listen and was just a pain to be around. I finally sat down with my girlfriend and told her that I really love her and I understood that her son was difficult but that I would not be able to hang out with her and her son and bring my boys around. He was too naughty! We still talk on the phone, email, and send each other cards, but I had to make it a point not to hang out with her when her son was around. That was three years ago, and the last time I saw her (a month or so ago) her son was there and he behaved SO much better.
It is very difficult for me to hang around someone who's child can not behave himself and the parent can not (or WILL NOT) take the proper steps to have her child be better behaved.
(I know it's hard, my 3 1/2 year old is SO completely different than my 6 year old. He is openly defiant, tells me he doesn't like me, throws screaming fits...believe me when I say that I get it. BUT, it's my job as his mama to make sure that he can behave, listen, and grow up to be a productive member of society. So, if he misbehaves he gets in trouble, he goes to time out, or we leave.)
By the way, this must be the same friend as your other post. I remember babysitting my girlfriends kids one day. her son, almost 4, and her other son,5, are really a handful. They are often put in time outs and are sassy, which gets them right back in time out. They also told me that I was fat. My girlfriend had her boys "write" me notes to apologize and I received a note from my girlfriend also telling me how sorry she was.
I have a feeling that your son is a handful, and it may be difficult for YOUR girlfriend to hang out with you. You may have to have an adult friendship without involving the children for a while, while you help your son to be better behaved.
L.

Hi Jody,

I also have a VERY active 2 1/2 year old and can often feel judged. Thankfully, most of my friends have boys so they understand to some degree. I had a lady at a playgroup tell me that they "have worked very hard to make their daughter gentle" like I just haven't worked hard enough. I've never seen her daughter leave her side or talk in 7 months! That's weird too.

Anyway, I know how you feel and you'll have to decide how important your friend is to you. I think the key is to hang out with other parents of active boys instead of feeling bad when your boy doesn't behave like a mellow girl.

Good luck channeling the raw energy, I am exhausted every day trying. :)

ok... so I have clicked on clicked off this request a couple times...

I so feel what you are saying J...

your friend.. is likely one of those .. lucky !!!parents who has a very well mannered and actually tempered kids... they are far a few between.. by nature,... I have one of those and the other... not so much.

Don't discount your friend just yet.. but it sooooo sucks.. her kid is not - up all night..- or loud or whatever..or sooo.. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF...

your guy/gal is just exactly where they should be and your friend should be supporting YOU in your journey instead of comparing how your children are...

all the best,.
-marg
just my thoughs...

I'm guessing that your friend may be a bit insecure about her own kid. She may also be honestly doing her level best to try and help you out.

If i were you i might try to remember a few things - 1. your kid and you are doing your best to figure things out. If you're doing your best keep doing it and stay strong. You're probably doing a great job.

2. OTOH, where there is smoke, there is fire - maybe your kid is a little bit extreme, and letting that sit in your head for a while may or may not make you decide to ask a pediatrician for advice or opinion, or even delve into another book.

3. The only way to save the friendship, if you want to, is to talk things over with your friend. Very honestly tell her that her suggestions come across as judgmental and belittling to you. Tell her that they make you feel badly, and don't at all encourage you to do anything differently. Tell her that, while your son is very active, you love that about him and find there to be as much good in it as bad. Perhaps offer her constructive criticism about how she could change - 'support me when i try to dicipline my son', or, 'i've read all those basic books, but if you see anything that addresses a more special case of a very active boy, feel free to let me know what you saw.'.
I don't think you need to explain to her all the things you've already done - you shouldn't have to feel defensive about your work. But, it might help her have some more compassion and appreciation for your family.

Unfortunately it sounds like your friend falls into the trap alot of new parents do - offering advice when it wasn't asked for. I fought this urge (and still do) because all of a sudden I felt like I have answers! If she's been a good friend for a long time my guess is she doesn't mean any criticism. Her heart is probably in the right place. If you want to keep the friendship - you should be able to let her know in a light mannered way that you're fine with your son as he is. (mine is almost 2 and high energy, fiercly independent) A joke is usually the best way to do this. You could even let her know what parenting books or style you've chosen.

If this is a friendship you aren't planning on for the long haul then putting some distance between you is probably healthy. (Even she'll be around for a lifetime - good friends need a break from each other once in a while) Be prepared to explain the distance if she asks though.

I hope things get better for and that you can find friends who are supportive of you no matter what! The last thing you need is for your son to think mommies friends don't like him!

It sounds like you are seriously irritated with her right now and you need to tell her. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself and if she is a real friend or I should say if you really care about your friendship with this person (and you may not because Ive had to let a few "associates" as I call them -now because I know better- but I had to let them go). You dont necessarily have to tell them I dont want to be your friend anymore but just put some distance between you. Do other things with other moms and kids that you can enjoy being around without the critisizm. No mom is perfect no matter how many millions of books they read. Everyone is different in their parenting styles and not every parenting style works for all kids.

I have a 16 and 6 year old, girl & boy. And boy they are like night and day. My daughter was just the kindess, mild mannered, sweet little girl who did practically everything you said. If you even raised your voice, she was so sensitive she wld get all teary eyed but she was just wonderful. Now my son on the other hand. He is the best. And it took me a minute to fully believe that because he is so busy, kind of aggressive but he isnt intensionally trying to hurt anyone elses kid. He doesnt hit or harm any other kids, he likes things to go his way and is still working on sharing but he has a sensitive little soul too. And to be honest I spoil him to death but he is MY little guy and its my right. If other folks dont like how you parent or how your kid act, then they dont have to be around you. But obviously she choses to be around you too, so dont feel bad.
But you have to tell that friend how you feel even if you chose to put some space between you. You'll feel much better.
Good Luck!

Some people just can't help but compare their kids to everybody elses'. It can be really hard to be friends with these people because they not only make you feel like a bad parent, but they can eventually convince you that there is something wrong with your child or his behavior when in fact they are just different kids. And worse yet, these friends have a way of convincing you that you have to try various parenting tactics to force your child to act more like hers. I can tell you from experience that when you finally get out of it, you will feel very guilt for ruining so many years or months trying to force your child to be someone other than himself.
Kindly tell this friend that you need to just agree to disagree. Don't try making any excuses for your son or explaining yourself (because she'll talk you out of it). If she can't respect this, then bail on the friendship.
All parents judge other people's parenting and their kids, and all parents think their child is smarter and better behaved than most other kids, but a good friend (or even a decent woman) will keep her mouth shut about it and only discuss it with her spouse.

As a mom of one quieter child and one tazmanian devil... I can say that having a strong minded little person does not imply bad parenting. It's unfortunate that your friend doesn't seem to be able to see that. I wouldn't throw away the friendship right away though, it might be worth saving. Maybe just back away and don't see her as often and make some new friends. And/or, try to have her be one of the friends you go out with when you don't have the kids - like for a drink or a movie or something.

And, not to be meanspirited, but when I encounter people, I pray for them to have one more child... just like mine.. *snicker*

I'm always irritated when other parents decide to inflict their parenting on their friends/other parents/innocent bystanders. As a teacher all I can say is that every kid who 1) has parents who care enough to correct them when they need it 2)love them and tell them that often and 3) are their primary teacher, are doing the right thing. No 2 kids need the same kind of parenting just like no 2 kids in my classroom need the same kind of teacher. Keep up the good work and just smile and say, thanks for your opinion, when people offer it.

Your friend needs to realize that there's a huge difference between boys and girls at the toddler stage. Boys have a lot more energy and play much differently than girls do. Girls do a lot more dress up and imagination play and boys are just, well, more physical and aggressive, although they too have great imaginations. Any parenting book will tell you that, so not sure why she hasn't figured it out yet! :-) Maybe her next one will throw her for a loop... But if she continues to make such judgements on your parenting skills, maybe it's time to phase her out and spend more time with your understanding friends.

Many years ago, before I had kids, I went on a "getting all her stuff home from college" roadtrip with a girlfriend. Her mum gave us the book "Lipschtick" to read aloud on the drive. I only remember 2 things from it:

1- We cracked up and died laughing (up until we got to the section where she got married and had kids...we kept reading for a few chapters but it just didn't seem funny anymore...gee I need to go back and read that book again)

2- There's a part that says you know that you've become a parent when you stop hanging out with people because they're interesting/charming/funny/intelligent, and start hanging out with people who raise their kids the same way you're raising yours. If you have anything in common with this new group of friends it's an unexpected bonus.

* * *

Like others have said, if she's an old friend it may be worth saving the friendship. If not...it's probably better to let this friendship go by the wayside.

Incidentally, what Judy said about the idea of having an active child being your "fault", do you get "credit" for having a mellow one? ...so dead in the black. Some kids are active, some are mellow...out of control is an entirely different matter...but it's amazing to me how many parents mistake active (huzzah! so much fun) with out of control.

You should say something. It does not matter how many books you read, each child is different and what works for one Mom may not work for another. Tell her how you feel and if she is realy your friend she will understand, if she does not, well, move on. We are all just doing the best we can and need support not judgement.

I add friends like this, who were judgmental about my son (why more often about boys). I eventually had to close my ears and loose those friendships because my son was more important.

Your son is who you say he is, not who they say he is.

Maybe offer to trade her parenting books? She was completely out of line to say anything, but it does sound like you would like a little help with your son. My daughter is incredibly active at 2 and I know she's sweet. However, I've had a couple people say things to me about how active she is. That's just her temperment and I can't let what other people think affect that I know I'm doing what is right for my daughter. That being said, I just started reading the Discipline Book by Dr. Sears just because I know we're rapidly approaching when I really do need her to hold still and she's going to resist.

You didn't say how old her daughter was - 3 is just crazy regardless.

I would advise on not hanging out with her with your children. Was she a long term friend or a post kid friend. If long term I may work on keeping her relationship but avoiding time together with the kids.

Also another note - there are so many different styles of parenting - time out and uh-oh songs might not work for you. No need in being told how to parent.

I will tell you that as the mom of three boys, I have noticed a great difference in behavior between boys and girls. My boys are waaaaay more active than most girls (I say most, but some girls can keep up and are very active too). This friend doesn't get it because she doesn't have a boy. If she had a boy, she'd probably adjust her thinking!

I don't know about saving your friendship...if she is that judgmental, I'd move on. Possibly find a couple of ladies who have BOYS to do a few playdates, see if you managed to hit it off with at least one mom, and go from there. Good luck!

I wouldn't worry too much about what she said. Some parents have the crazy idea that kids are little automatons that always do what you say. Ha! I can tell you there are kids that are compliant and those that aren't, let's say, "Strong Willed" no matter what you do. Mine follow in the "Strong willed" category. I've known parents with multiple children, look at my two in amazement and say "Oh my gosh, they sure are ENERGETIC!" and they are girls. My kids ride circles (on their bikes around the others). I'm just glad they're healthy.

I don't think she is being judgmental - I think she's just trying to help, and maybe senses your frustration. Take it for what it is - trying to help you. However, I would just tell her, "I'm doing the best that I can - your advice is giving me headaches (or whatever it's doing)", and leave it at that - don't get angry at her. After all, it's not worth ruining a friendship for.

There are times with my kids, believe me, where I really WANTED some advice, but didn't know how to ask for it.

Hi J. - You have some great advice already. It sounds like your friend's daughter is little & does not move much but she could also be a clingy kid. Both of my boys were active but yet still different. My oldest was more independent and my younger one is independent but still likes a little reassurance. Yes those personalities at this age can be tricky. We have read many books but more we found the best is a blend of things because what works in one home does not mean it will work in the next - each kid and family are very different. If your friend is a newer mom she just has not got to the "active" stage yet. Joking about the kids active level (use yours as an example not her's) and maybe using this to show that it is not a big deal with you will help smooth the waters. She very well may not realize that she is hurting your feelings by her comments. Try joking about things, then brushing it off, and then if needed have a heart to heart about the situation. I catch myself & my hubby talking about other kids but then remind ourselves that we are blessed with the two wonderful boys we have and I would not change anything for the world! God gives us kids & situations that we can handle one step at a time. God Bless