Joint Custody & Father's Small Apt - Should Kids Sleep There?

My parents had a similar arrangement but only one of us was still living at home (my younger brother). My younger brother never slept at my mom's house (she moved out). We saw her only at the house... it was really really weird (I was in my early 20's). After a year, my parents got remarried and are still married today (almost 20 years later).

My thought is - don't rush into anything. My parents divorced and had they just sought counceling and separated for a few months it would have been better. In their case there was someone else involved... I never met him or really knew any details... I didn't want to know about it. BUT they got past it and are working on almost 40 years of marriage at this point.

If he's at the house, you are not going to get past this very quickly. Think about a separation - and get into therapy.

No he needs to take them to his place.... He needs to let healing occur. With him around all the time thats not going to happen.

Not a single mom, but here's my 2 cents.....

I would not allow him to come and go as he pleases. Try to set a schedule as to what days of the week he would go breakfast, and what days he would make dinner. Of course, this schedule would be adjusted accordingly with his new job schedule. On the nights when he comes over for dinner, I would use that time to run errands. Also, depending on the layout of the house, maybe you could remain in another area and do some chores or just have some time for yourself.

Once he does get his apartment, there is no reason the kids couldn't spend a night at his house occassionally. I agree with you completely that they could sleep on the floor in sleeping bags.

I think he has lost his mind. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to move on then you have the right to move on too and you will not be able to heal and move forward if he is popping in all the time. I KNOW you want to do what is best for the kids, but part time dad is going to not help them see the reality of the situation, if you do not set the ground rules NOW he will make you out to be the bad guy on down the line and that is so not right. Get a lawyer and know your rights...I am so sorry that you and your children have to go through this. Maybe before he commits to this moving on with his life thing you could both get some therapy?

yes, he should have them at his own place. I had a friend who slept on a pull out couch with her sisters in their dad's 1 bedroom apt when they were kids. They turned out fine. Our daughter has her own little air mattress for when we go to my Grandma's, and she's 3, I'm sure your children will adapt and be fine with whatever the arrangements are, but it's not your job to make it easier on him!

Sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. If he's at your house then he makes sure to put a crimp in your style should you be so bold as to have some dude over (I know you're not in that space but...), and since the kids aren't to stay with him, you won't have a reason to be at his place so he could be doing whatever!

Okay, so my suspicious mind took the low road. Sorry. Push back if you feel strongly about it.

Put your foot down. He shouldnt be at your house if you are going thru this. Apparently he wants his own "bachelor pad" that's what it sounds like. And if he's not entertaining his latest flavor of the month he wants to hang out at "home" with you and the kids. Hello.... No cake and eating it to.

I'm not a single mom in your situation but O. thing I know is that it's not the size of the dwelling that's important, it's how much love fills it up.

Sorry you are going through this.

I'm not a single mom and have not gone through divorce however have you considered having a "home nest" custody arrangement? Basically, the kids would always stay at the house; you and your ex would take turns living there. That way, when it is his night(s), he would be responsible for their meals and care, etc.; you then actually get a break when it's not your turn. It would be less stressful on the children, since they're not shuffling to and fro.

He needs to realize that divorce means life without you... You would not be there to carry his responsibilities with the children. If this is not what he wants, then ge needs to reinvest himself in saving your marriage.

My girlfriend's brother in law went through this, and tried to be as amacable as possible for the kids. Long story short is mom (who left for another man) would come over to their old house...she would rifle through his stuff, snoop, and take things (because she "needed" more stuff for her apartment). She would clean out anything new or presentable every few months. It wasn't even just items they had bought together.

My friend felt bad that the ex took all his kitchen stuff (and I mean EVERYTHING), so she bought a ton of Pampered Chef items - $$$, Tupperware, glassware, pots, pans, and cooking stuff (months after mom moved out....they ex came back and took it while she was "visiting the kids at the house," all on the premise of what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine, too.

There is nothing creepier than having someone you don't trust in your personal space. What happens later if you are dating or something, and he is constantly hanging around your home? It will cause bigger and bigger problems down the road. He needs to make a new "home" for his kids...big, medium, or small...and deal with it. His plan has disaster written all over it for you.

Yes, your children could sleep at an apartment with him no matter the size. I agree with the others who say he wants it both ways. How nice that he'll get his own space to do whatever, have you watching the kids every night, and him walking into the house "whenever it's convenient for him", which means you get no break what so ever...

Here's an arrangement that I haven't tried, but I've read about. You leave the kids living full-time at the house they've always been at, and you and your husband take turns there with them. When it's his night, you spend the night in the apartment, and when it's your night with the kids, he stays at the apartment. It may sound unusual but some families have made this work.

The other reason I suggest this is, like others have said, he seems to think he gets a "bachelor pad" and the run of your house also. If you suggest spending time at the apartment and him having nights with the kids, it may lose it's appeal. If he truly wants a trial separation and what's best for the kids, he may consider it.

You can use a Mediator to draw up an agreement for a schedule for the kids and financial needs. This means you can put something binding in writing without paying huge lawyer fees. Mediators are also more flexible in writing arrangements that work for you family.

Okay, I watched an episode of the Super Nanny of "The Manley Family" where the dad did just this. He couldn't decide if he wanted to divorce or work things out All it did was create major heartache and confusion for the mom and the children.

She strongly urged the husband to make up his mind and stick with it for the sake of the family. He choose to stay out. She helped by creating clear family times when he would come over as well as making a place to stay for the kids at his home.

It's a powerful episode that maybe can help you decide what to do:
http://www.movieweb.com/tv/TEtFNCtwgNZnxz/the-manley-family

You don't need to get a divorce right now, but you do need some sort of a mediator. But mostly, you all need marriage counseling. It's absurd he would just up and leave, sounds very selfish to me.

I have little video that may prove thought provoking for him:
http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/search/1/sQ1...

in AZ when you divorce, each parent is required to take a parenting class. in class they say it's IMPERATIVE that you and him DO NOT hang out together, hug, act like everything is cool in front of the kids. Now don't fight or anything either. but your kids will always want you together but if you aren't going to be, you need to make that clear. no shared bdays or holidays either. everything from when he moves out must be separate. and if he decides to live in a studio, he still has to see his kids so yes, they are to stay at his house. make sure your submission for visitation is very specific...the days and TIMES of pick up and drop off and make sure it says that "recieving parent" is to pick up child. your custody, child support and parenting time needs to be in black and white so there is no question as to when each parent gets the kids. good luck to you, this is going to be a tough time.