Husband Needs Advice! - Bedminster,NJ

You're not asking too much but it sounds like you will have to take it to court.

I would imagine that the pertinent questions are:
1) What country are they citizens of? and
2) Where was the divorce/custody handled by the court?

It's impossible to know without knowing those things.

The thing is, you mentioned what he does (skypes, pays child support, sends gifts, visits several times a year overseas)... but didn't share what the Court Order requires. Both in regards to his obligations and his rights. She has sole custody was all you said. What does it say about visitation?

Where is the Court with jurisdiction? I'm going to hazard a guess that it is here in the U.S. somewhere... so let's say he files a motion (to modify the visitation schedule, or to hold her in contempt for failure to comply with already establish rules of visitation) and she doesn't appear and he wins everything he asks for. How will it be enforced if she is in Scotland?
I'm not saying it can't be... I'm asking the question.

I normally am all for dotting the i's and crossing the t's and handling everything in the court. And maybe that's the best way to go. But the practical side of this is that unless a court in Scotland has jurisdiction over this, it's going to be very difficult to enforce anything. It might be more productive in the shorter term to play nice with her.

Is there an anticipated date when she and the child might be returning to the U.S.? Or are they just there forever?
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ETA
Huh? They are divorced with a child (that was born of the marriage... right?) and there is "nothing in writing"?? How is there nothing in writing? What does the divorce decree say?

Is his visitation specified in a written, court-ordered agreement or is it only "visitation" as mom permits it? In other words, does he have a legal right to see his daughter X days a year and it's in a court document somewhere, or is it just a verbal agreement between him and the ex? If the latter-- then he needs a written agreement that is enforceable and when that is drawn up he and she can hash out, or have the court or mediator hash out, his right to overnights. Of course he needs a lawyer in Scotland. Even if the divorce was finished in the U.S., he needs a lawyer where they reside in case mom starts to refuse him any visits -- which she could do at any time if their visitation arrangements are not formalized in a court document. If it's a U.S. court document it may not be recognized by the Scottish courts. He really needs to figure out not one but two legal systems here and should not do it alone.

Also, since the mom seems OK with his visits (and 3-4 times a year, for that distance, is very frequent visiting -- good for him and for the mom for being OK with it) -- Has he tried just having a talk with her, without their daughter or you present, about WHY she is so reluctant to have him take her overnight when they'd be right there in the same town? Is it possible that mom, for whatever reason, is scared that dad will try to leave with her? (Not saying it's realistic, just noting that mom might have been told horror stories by others, or whatever.) Or is mom really just scared at the idea of her child being away from home overnight with anyone, even dad? If the girl has never spent a night away from mom, the mom might be in a twist about a night apart and would be the same way even if the girl were spending the night at a friend's. Your husband won't know unless he asks the mom. If he can do it calmly and with civility and some compassion for her (especially if mom is just a nervous Nelly about her kid sleeping anywhere but her own bed), then it might be resolved with a talk and some reassurance. Also, is he asking for just one night, or more? I would not start out asking for more than one night at a time

If the mom is insistent and dad does not have any legal document giving him a right to overnights -- I would, this year, stick with the usual visit and not press for the overnight this time. You don't want to jeopardize his visits by pushing for something so hard that mom shuts down other visitation (IF she can do that). But I'd do some quiet digging into his legal rights here, and in Scotland, and whether he needs a more formal visitation arrangement that gives him overnights through a court.

Sorry to be contrary but what does an overnight have to do with him seeing her more or you forming a relationship with her? Really try to think this through. How will it benefit her- she's 4, she wants to sleep in her own bed. Or is it just to benefit you? It sounds like this is more for you & your husband than for her. If she was there overnight she would be sleeping so what difference does it make? She's 4 years old, children of that age need their mother and they need consistency. He's basically a nice stranger to her from a 4 year olds point of view. Frankly as the mother of a child that age it just isn't appropriate considering that the child doesn't see him in person very often and at this age cannot form a true bond where she will be comfortable over Skype. When she's 12 you can do an overnight.

It sounds like you and your husband do not have children of your own or you would be more familiar with the psychology of a 4 year old. They are getting more independent but need the security of mom. The mother knows her child better than either of you. She knows when she is comfortable and what will make her is anxious. You should respect the mothers choices and you will have a better bond in the end. The child might not want to stay with you either but is afraid to say so to you. If you ask her she will likely deny it. But she tells the truth to her mother.

If I were you Id invite the mother to stay overnight as well. You can all get up and have breakfast in the morning and the child will see that you are people that are part of her inner circle and not just familiar strangers. Its a huge jump for a child.

Another option is to pick her up in the morning, have a day with her. Drop her off for nap if she still takes one and come by again in the evening. One more great thing to do would be to spend time with her at her own home. When she sees you talking with her mom in the safety of her home she will also be more comfortable.

Good luck.

Start slowly. See if your hubby can spend the night at her house - on the couch? Just so he can have that bond with his daughter. Late night game, breakfast in the AM. All of that. Then keep moving forward.

Or ask mom to come and spend the night with you all in the apt.

Involve mom in a plan. Face it, she is protecting her child from someone she don't know very well. And she's 4. Not 14.

I know it's all a but unorthodox but you need some good old (new) modern thinking! Good luck.

I don't think you're asking for too much, but IMHO there is a reason why mom has sole custody with no overnight visits with dad.

You do contradict yourself because you say mom has sole custody, but then you say there's nothing in writing. If mom has LEGAL sole custody and a child support order, then yes there is something in writing.

You need to research the laws in that country. You might try some sort of assistance through the American Embassy or something like that. Where our government speaks to their government.

I don't think you're asking for too much. I do think that the mom should be willing to do this, but what I think doesn't matter.

If you have an apartment close to home, then start out by bringing her home to sleep, then picking her up the next day.

The thing I would worry about is being in a different country, that if you took her to court, the Scottish court wouldn't help because he's from another country. It might be better to just put up with her. You'd hate for him to come and her not allow him to see her, out of meanness.

I just want to say that we have no idea that she would want to go home and sleep in her own bed. She might like sleeping at daddy's. Kids are different, and since they already have a good relationship, she might just be happy about it. I'd play it by ear and see if your husband can sweet talk the mom as the visit goes by...