Jealous Step-Daughter HELP!!

Hi M., you are not alone. I am a stepmom myself and started when my husbands daughter was 9. No matter what I did, I wasn't her mom. We had to finally let her live with her mom, and my husband only saw her when he wanted to. It has been 6 years later, and I think she likes me more than her mom. At 15 she is at the age where her mom gets on her nerves, and I am the friend or part time mom she needs. After a couple of stressful years, we survived, and now I admire her so much for the young lady she is growing up to be, and I always let her know that. She has so much respect for me as well. We get along great and I think her mom has something to do with that as well. I do not talk with her mother but after all these years,she knows now, I would never do anything to hurt their kids. So I don't imagine there is badmouthing me, because those kids have alot of respect for me. I think it also helped the fact that the mom got a boyfriend and didn't focus on her exhusband, me, and their kids. Hope I have helped a little. You have hope. Things will look up. Good luck. Don't beat yourself up about it, continue to do your good works. She will remember it. My stepdaughter did. -A.

I want to start by saying that I think the peagant was a bad idea anyways... to be honest with you if you want a connection to grow then that sort of thing does not bring that... it only shows them competition, and other things, etc. But I guess you didn't know better... offcourse we are always going to stick with our moms, and well, that girl is hurt. Ahe wasnt a family.. what can you expect... Put yourself in her place... it's tough. She is still a child, and wants "her" daddy's attention... not a peagant to be judged.. or a pretty dress, who cares what dress she picked.. You put yourself in a situation that I believe was the wrong one... but then again we are all humans, live and learn.. You fell in love with a man that has children, and you must learn to nurture that, help their bond be stronger "always". Just as you would like your daughter to have a very strong bond with her dad. correct? Always show your daughter to respect their bond and to not try and come in between when they are together as she wouldn't like it if her dad showed more affection or connection to someone else when she was around.. It's only natural.. you must understand. I don't know how old your daugher is, but I don't mean for her not to be around, but not to try to compete for his attention specially when his little girl is around.. tell her that this little girl misses her dad, and well, she is just insecure... The peagant was a wrong thing to do, because you know at those sort of places, girls are all fighting for attention.. and well she noticed her dad giving attention to another little girl that was not her... it's tough.. try to understand this child... she is a child... learning and growning.. and hopefully you love this man so much that you would do anything possible to make her feel at home with you. Talk to her, let her know that you were trying to connect with her and that perhaps that was not a good idea, but perhaps you guys can go rollerskating, or to the movies, just the girls! And then perhaps ask her dad to take her out, just her and her dad.. she needs that at least once a month... and perhaps when this happens, your daughter can go out with her dad too... and you can have the whole day to yourself! You must remember that he needs to spend time with his little girl.. and his son too! he must, so that he/she knows that you know that they are important. That their bond is important. I hope you know that I am in favor of things being good between you all.. not just one side, but all... learn to get along, no resentments, not putdowns, only positive things... encouragement, etc. Good luck & God Bless you!

Hi M.,
It sounds like to me that your step daughters mother is probably the problem. Kids sometimes get their ideas and thoughts through the most important person in their life, which in this case is probably her mother. If her mother had any class at all, she would have came up to you and thanked you for taking her daughter to get a dress in the first place. She does not have class at all by trying to influence her daughter to treat you like dirt. In my opinion, I'd talk to her mother without the kids around (and with your fiance there, to be a witness) and tell the mother that you intend to treat her daughter with the upmost respect and the same as all the other kids. You could also throw in that you have grown to love her and feel you are gaining a daughter. You should promise her that and tell her that you have done nothing wrong. You might even tell your husband to say a few words and have him say, "I've never treated any of the kids different in any way" The mother is the jealous one and she needs to know that her daughter isn't going to be treated differently from you. Have the conversation in a very low voice and loving voice. If you are talking with an "attitude", it will just light a fire under this mother and things will progressively get worse, then starting to have problems with you and your marriage. Good Luck but I wouldn't let this "rejection" from this mother bother you. You have to take control of your life, not let everyone else do it for you.

I think I would be kind to her when she was around but I would not go out of my way to be very close unless she decided to be kind, too. She is trying to please her mother. It is very hard to be a step mother. You cannot please everyone and I wouldn't try so hard. Let them want to please you. Neither position is easy to be in...step mother or step daughter. I would stop trying so hard. God bless you and pray for guidance in this situation.

I have a seven year old that competes for everything. In an adult relationship even if the child is yours they try and seperate the parents so that they may be more important. Yet children need to understand that the husband comes first and so does the wife. If you are spiritually connected that's how it goes and then the kids are right after. Kids need to know and learn their role within the family. Kids learn when you sit and talk and explain. They are not given a choice this is how it is and that's it. Eventually they will come around. You always sit and talk with the husband to make sure you are both on the same page and then go and talk to the child. They understand.

Hi M.,
18 yrs ago I married a wonderful man. The only problem we have ever had is his 2 children from his first marriage. I love my husband to death, but frankly knowing what I know now I don't know if I'd marry him again. The hurt, the heartache, especially if you have a child of your own that it is your top priority to protect and nurture, is still sometimes unbearable. Don't believe that pouring your heart and soul into stepkids will guarantee a payoff. Sometimes it just means you have less heart and soul, and spend the best yrs of your life throwing them away on people who for whatever reason (loyalty to their bio mother?) have absolutely no respect for you. Kids see things the way they see things, they are not always logical or based on reason. My 26 stepson says now (to others, will not speak to me) that he hates me, and one reason, in spite of years of doing for him, is that I didn't get on the floor and play with him with his trucks. Of course the reason for that is that he didn't HAVE trucks to play with on the floor, and I didn't want to be the woman who took up his limited weekend time with his dad, so I tried to stay in the background, feeding him his favorite food and letting him and his dad play on the computer (not a 3 person game in my house) or chat about guy stuff. Think LONG and HARD before marrying a man with troublesome kids. That is all I can say. It may sound heartless, but you don't want to end up like me. The situation MAY improve, but it MAY get worse. Can you live like that?

been there, i know that it is no fun. Please don't think that any method that you have tried is wrong. You keep on doing what you do best, if a pagent is your thing, DO IT. My husband has 3 kids. 1 girl (15), two boys 13 and 9. When we first got together, that girl drove me crazy. She cried, she didn't speak and the boy was just as bad, but i stuck it out. When i saw them, i said hello, goodbye, hows school, i was there choice if they spoke back. I was civil on my part. There is really nothing that you can do when it comes to stubborn girls or boys, just be yourself, and nothing more. She will eventually come around. Take care of your baby and if she wants your help, she will seek it. Good luck, and dont stress yourself because even if you gave her and her mom a million dollers, they still wouldn't be satisfied. If a person wants to be that way, they will no matter what you do. Again good luck.

hi M.
i'm in the same boat your in. i'm dating a man that has a 13yr and he drives me crazy the only difference is that we live together. he walks around all day with a attitude and is very lazy he doesn't talks to you unless he wants something and i have a 4yr that love his dad and is very attached to his dad. sometimes i have to step in and say something because he tries to act stupid with my daughter, and i tell him whoever your made at you need to take it up with them cos we didn't do it. also i've learned to treat them the way they treat you and when they ask you why you are treating them that way explain to them that how do you think it made me feel when you said are or did this to me. let them know that you didnt like and now they don't, so they should think about that. also let them know that you are not there mothers place you are just someone that cares for her father. but i hope this helps, good luck
S.

I was in your shoes once and unfortunately it ended up in divorce because I waited too long to put my foot down with the in-laws and ex-wife. If I were you, which I am not, but I am just telling you what I did --- I faced them (and as I said I waited too late to do it) and put it to them that I was the one taking care of the stepdaughter along with her father and that I appreciate the fact that they have their opinions but in order to provide a stable home we all had to agree on the way things would work or else everyone would be unhappy and that it was not fair to anyone especially the child that they cultivate meanness and lies, forcing her to think what they want her to think. My ex-husband and I had full custody of the girl and we were the ones who made the decisions not them. I always made sure we did not argue or have a confrontation in front of the girl as well. We even got her some counseling to help with things but again, we waited too late for that as well.

I would sit down with your fiance/husband and talk to him about this. See how he feels, tell him how you feel and see if mebbe he thinks he should talk to the ex about this or if the 3 of you should get together without the children to talk about it. Boundaries should be set before its too late I think.

I am not really sure how to answer this. I am comming from your stepdaughter's position, being a stepdaughter twice over myself.
I did probably many of the same things your stepdaughter is doing. I can't say for her, but I know I was very angry and hurt. I was jealous of my new stepmom, angry at my dad for choosing her over me. and hurt too. I too would ignore my dad, stick with my mom, just to kinda show him "you don't need me, well i don't need you either" kind of stuff.

Neither of my parents really did anything to make the situation better. My mom totally played this to her advntage to aggrivate my dad, and my dad just continued to act how he did, favoring my new stepmom.
If you would have asked me then what would have made the situation better i would have said my dad shouldn't have married my stepmom. and I would probably still feel the same if it weren't for my two brothers.
It's a tough situation. There is a special bond between a girl and her dad. it's really complicated. maybe she would do well talking with a counselor about it, or spending more one on one time with her dad, without you or your children, or anyone else. He needs to make sure she still knows that she holds a big place in his heart that no one will will be able to fill.
tho, given her age, she just may not respond to that.

hope it works out!