Help Setting Boundaries with a Needy Ex/bratty Stepchild

Updated on October 12, 2010
K.W. asks from Hughesville, MD
11 answers

Im having extreme difficulty dealing with my husbands Ex and my stepdaughter. We.ve been married for 2 1/2 years and the last year has been close to impossible. My Exhusband is absent in my children's lives in every aspect. My husband was never married to his daughter's mom and didnt really have a serious relationship during the 5 years after their relationship was completly done. I was skeptical at times while we were dating but now I realize why. While we dated I interacted with my stepdaughter frequently. She accompanied us often to outings was invited to my home on a regular basis as well as spleeping over on weekends at my home. I always tried to make her feel welcome, loved and included. On the other hand as time went on I began to notice that as my husbands relationship grew stronger will me and m children she began to change. If she came over it had to involve getting something from the mall , a trip to the nail salon etc. Of course I naturally became offended, my husband is an excellent father despite not being in a relationship with her mom.
Just prior to our wedding my husbands Grandmother passed. He was very close to her and she had helped raise him as his mom had divorced from his dad when he was as baby. My stepdaughter's mom attended the funeral, although we had never met face to face, (her choice) she didnt speak. I found this offensive since I had picked up and dropped off her child to & from school, activities, hair appoitments in addition to the numerous times she slept over. My children and I alway gave her chirstmas & birthday gifts, never receiving so much as a card in return. I've tried to be the "bigger person" always saying hello first when we saw each other. I could go on and on about her immature behavior but theres not enough time. What has really put a strain on our relationship now is the fact that my stepdaughters mom had a new baby last year. Apparently , th
e childs father doesnt provide any support. Why is this my business? Well due to her financial issues my husband starting buying groceries to make sre his daughter had enough to eat. Their cable, house phone, internet were disconnected, so we have to pick her up to use our computer everytime she has an assignment. A few months ago they were evicted from their apartment. After stay with an aunt for a month they had nowhere to go. We have another home which was empty due to a recent renter leaving. Without talking to me my husband allowed them to move into our other home. They were preparing to go into a shelter. Of course my husband had offered to have my stepdaughter come live with us. She refused to leave her mom alone to face being homeless with her baby sister. So in an attempt to sheild his daughter from any trauma and emotional distress, he decided this is how he could help . The issues are he did without my knowledge and he never set any rules for paying any rent, or how long they could stay. Unfortunately, my stepdaughters mom is not a motivated person and is a liar. She has streched the truth on more than one occasion in order to get more money from my husband. More than once we've had to pick up the pieces where shes dropped the ball or when shes not even picked the ball up. Im tired of my husband feeling he has to rescue his ex inorder to avoid my stepdaughter from experiencing any hurt or hardships. How do I open his eyes to the effect of his ex's poor choices/behavior adding strain to our marriage?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Hi Guys just wanted to give you all an update so far. As this was my first time posting a question and even being on this site combined with the fact that this issue was so fresh. I posted the question on Monday having just found out the situation Saturday afternoon. I apologize because after reading some of the comments I sent a couple of personal messages in an attem put to defend myself in calling my stepdaughter bratty. In my opinion she was & continues to behave bratty since we've gotten married. In the last year she hardly acknowledge my children when visiting, she'll walk right pass them without speaking, she had been on my cellular plan since right after the wedding because my husband has two phone 1 provided by his job the other a noncontracted just for wknd usage. She threw a huge fit when we denied her an upgrade of a $400 phone which had a mandatory 30/month data plan. BTW I dont even own this type of phone. Her time spent with my husband consists of which mall are they going to or can she be dropped off for mani/pedi. Shes not interested in just spending time with us if theres nothing in it for her. At first I chalked it up to some jealousy & insecurity so I suggested more 1 on 1 for the two of them but it didnt make a difference. My husband has always been the "parent" in the relationship involving his ex. Because he is 7yrs my senior he sometimes asks my opinion, im more familiar with some of what is popular or hip. If I suggest that a concert where songs are played disrepecting woman and glorify sex & drug usage, one that ends close to midnight on a school night, a top displaying D-cup brest on a teenager, revealing pics showing cleavage and suggestive status'on fb are inappropriate im the villian &typically get spoken to in a sassy tone to say the least.
Anyway this is what has happened so far. After doing alot of thinking & reading some of the comments, I had plan to go home to have a big talk with my husband. I wanted us to decide how long we could afford to allow them to live there for free, if they needed to stay longer, how much rent we would ask for. In general what was her plan. Apparently the conversation I had with my husband saturday & sunday which I expressed my hurt & disappointment regarding his deceit as well as my worries in relation to the fallout when rules or expectations would be put in place now that I was aware of the situation had caused him to do some independent thinking. Over dinner last night as i was waiting for an opportunity to revisit the topic he started the conversation. Oddly enough it was sparked by his ex's sister. She had contacted after many failed attempts to call her sister without a response. During the time they had stayed with hers sister, his ex borrowed a vehicle which she received traffic violations that came in the mail, apparently she wasnt forthcoming about the tickets instead moved out. Her sister had been leaving messages at her job&on her cell (yes shes employed fulltime with our state government), some of you were under the impression she was not working. Im not sure if i had mentioned to you that they have been living in our home since the first week of august but I just found out 3 days ago. My husband had imformed me that after speaking with her sister he decided to call her on his own to discuss things. Of course she never returned his call. He had explain to me during our talk that his daughter had called him saying her mom & aunt had an argument and they had to leave.with nowhere to go but a shelter. After confirming this with his ex she had stated that she just needed a place for a couple of wks until the paperwork she had submitted for a new apartment was verified and she was paid again to have her security deposit.
One lie by omission (from my husband) and 2 1/2 months she has not paid a cent, continues to receive child support from my husband, as well as groceries, lunch money, and funding for outings, nails, & bus fare for my stepdaughter. She knew he hadnt told that he let them move in & was using it to her advantage. He wanted to give her another 30 days to get herself together which i agreed to. I mean what person with a fulltime job who has been given 100+ days of no rent or utilities would find this unreasonable? Apparently she's that person. She hadnt even heard what my husband had to say, his vm only said "call me, we need to talk abou the house". In her typical behavior she went and discussed "it" with my stepdaughter. Later in the evening I saw on my stepdaughter's FB page "i wish I could snap my fingers and make your ass disappear so i could back to my life when everything was good and you weren't in the middle . Her mom added in the comments "i agree, i told you not to be nice to her but atleast you got some good stuff outta that Bitch." Really??? This is a 42yo woman & a 17yo child shes encouraging this??? I showed it to my husband because it was so offensive, mind you i had indured many nasty insults via my stepdaughtesr's FB page previously but had written them off as a teenager venting but this was different. I wanted to sit down as three adult & work out an acceptable solution for all of us. My kids are 13yo I've never shared anything negative with them about their bio-father although there is plenty. I was a single mom for more than 8 yrs before remarrying. I struggled alot with my kids because my ex has avoided paying child support by working "under the table" for a family member. My husband is a stand up guy thats why i couldnt stay mad because I knew exactly why he did it. How dare she imply to my stepchild that her father & I are wrong or are bitches (me) for wanting to put a limit on how long we could afford to almost completely support her, his daughter & this other child. My husband is planning to go by the house to talk to her since she didnt return his call. It wont be nice as you can see but we've been fair, more than fair in my opinion. Hopefully she will come to her senses and realize that we have helped her as much as we can financially. I have little faith in this due to her track record. My focus now is trying to salvage a relationship with my stepdaughter. Thx for listening & offering advice. Take care

More Answers

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i'm not seeing the bratty needy stepchild. sounds to me as if you have issues with your husband and his ex. my hat is off to your husband for making sure his daughter is not suffering, and i also admire the child for refusing to abandon her mom and sister even when they were in dire straits.
i can understand your frustration, but i suggest you redirect away from a kid who might be challenging but is not your main problem, and also be happy that you have a real stand-up guy there who is trying to do the right thing.
khairete
S.

5 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

Maybe i'm missing something, but I read your email and I see a guy who is trying to help a little girl have as normal of a life as possible so she doesn't grow up to be like her mom.

To help this not be a strain on your marriage, I'd see a counselor for a couple of sessions so that a trained 3rd party can help you guys work through this.

Maybe your hubbie is giving too much to his ex, but she is taking away way way way too much from her daughter and your hubbie sounds like he is trying to give a little back to her.

Continue to show your step-daughter how to take the high road. The lesson will not go unnoticed.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I can see where the ex's poor choices are straining your marriage but I applaud your husband for what he's done. He's being a good dad. Would you deny your stepdaughter a place to live? Would you expect her to leave her mother?
I think the sooner you accept the fact that you're Married to a "stand up" guy, the less strain you'll experience. Just sayin.....

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.R.

answers from Chicago on

Wow- being divorced myself, with an ex who is remarried and expecting a new baby and my own husband and my 10 year old son... I know how complicated and emotional these issues can get, even when everyone is TRYING to get along and do right, etc. If one person IS NOT, or is taking advantage, etc. it just makes it harder.

I don't doubt that you've tried to be the bigger person and be a good stepmom. It must be very difficult for you to see your stepdaughter not appreciating her dad or taking advantage of him. You don't say the girl's age, but if she is a teen, you have to remember that lots of girls have these issues with their parents at that age, divorced or not.

If her mom has just had a baby, this girl probably is having a difficult time- again, even in the most perfect circumstances, a new baby can really disrupt a family. I have to say, I applaud your stepdaughter not taking the easy out by coming to live with you and wanting to help her mother out.

I agree that your husband should have talked with you about this first. But- maybe he was afraid you would say no? Or maybe he just assumed you would also say yes? Either way, you should discuss that with him.

But before you do, search your heart. Yes, it sounds like his ex is pretty irresponsible and has made some poor judgments and continues to make them. But - that will NEVER change the fact that she shares a child with your husband. IMO, he was doing the right thing- both morally, and as a parent, by allowing them to move into your rental.

You don't say what your financial situation is. If you really need rental income from that house, I can see where this would make you nervous from a practical standpoint. but again... would you really want this woman and her baby and your stepdaughter in a shelter when you can do something about it? I know you want to protect your husband, but it sounds like he was motivated to help them for the right reasons.

Look in your heart- put yourself in the other person's shoes. YOU have won- you have a good marriage to a good and generous man. What does this other woman have, besides a new baby to care for and no where else to go? If you are religious, talk with your pastor about it. We always have so many 'worldly' worries- paying the bills, going to work, etc. that sometimes it is easy to let them overwhelm our moral generousity.

I am not saying let her freeload forever. But talk with your husband and set some goals for your stepdaughter's mother to meet as far as payment, getting back to work, looking for a place, etc. Remember that she will ALWAYS be your stepdaughter's mom and this girl is looking to you and her father for help and will take her cues from you on how to treat people when she is an adult.

Set the kindest, most helpful example you can. I KNOW it can be frustrating- but you just need to dig a little deeper for that 'bigger person' inside you- I know you have it in you!! Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.D.

answers from Las Vegas on

I think sometimes children of divorce really get screwed. The adults in their life get tired of each other or can't get along so they end the relationship and go off to start new families leaving the child in the nebulous state of not having a real family or a real home in one place or the other. When the adults are making all of the decisions and sometimes they are not in your best interests, then you are probably going to be reactive.

I think your stepdaughter can probably use some compassion and support about now but that doesn't mean that it is up to you and your husband to support and provide housing to her mother and half sister. While I really do applaud your husband for being a real stand up father, healthier boundaries need to be set with his ex. Definitely give her a reasonable (30 day) time limit for her to find another place to live. If you attend church, maybe someone in your congregation has a room that she can rent out. Your local Catholic Charities maybe able to help your husband's ex out with housing, a job and childcare for her newborn.

As for you and your husband, I think the two of you would benefit from some couples counseling. Your husband is a good guy -- maybe too good for his (and your) own good at times. You have a complex situation with your blended family going on there. I think it would help getting some guidance from a 3rd party to help you sort through how to make it all work so that nobody ends up becoming a casualty here.

Wishing you all the best.

1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

It is great that he is such a good dad but I can understand your frustration. I think them moving into your rental was the best option; however, he should have discussed with you and then the two of you should have established some ground rules...rent, length of stay (especially if no rent is being paid). I would suggest that you two talk and then have that overdue discussion w/ the ex without the kids.

Your step-daughter is behaving like most kids when they are jealous of the time another woman gets to spend w/ their dad in this situation. She may also have figured initially that since he hadn't dated anyone serious before that she could be your friend because you would not be around long...now she knows different. Her relationship at home has changed now that she is a big sister to a baby. All of these things, including the financial situation, is most likely causing her behavior. Show her much love and you will get through it.

Although she is old enough to choose which parent she lives with, you and your hubby may want to consider getting at least temporary custody until mom's situation improves. Currently, you are providing a home and most likely your hubby is still providing child support as well as purchasing other necessities. Food is one thing, cable bills are another. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.H.

answers from Kansas City on

Well, you just need to be honest with him. I think you probably understand why he's doing all this for his child it just sounds like you're frustrated right now and I don't blame you. Your stepdaughter sounds like a good kid, but she's in the middle. Because the mom refuses to talk to you and/or acknowledge you, it is likely the stepdaughter is feeding off that and treating you accordingly. Obviously that is not okay, and I'd be hurt too, but I think you've made the right choices by trying to be the bigger person. Even when it's hard, try to keep that up and remember that you're doing this for the daughter and not the mom.

Confront your husband, nicely, and explain your feelings like you explained them here. I do think he needs to discuss things with you first and you need to address them as a couple, but he is only doing what he needs to do to support his child. Would you be opposed to her living with you? I know she probably feels like she needs to stay with her mom, but she is a child and sometimes she doesn't get a say. This may be one of those times. If possible, try and talk your hubby into setting up a contract of sorts with the ex and rent, etc. If she doesn't comply, he kicks her out and the child comes to live with you. I'm betting that any judge would grand custody to you two over a homeless mother. You may not want to take it that far, but it's an option.

In the end, as cliche as it sounds, honestly is the best policy. Your husband needs to hear you out and you need to hear him out. Good luck, this is a stressful time!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I keep thinking about this issue and my heart goes out to you. As a fellow step-mom, I'd be FURIOUS if my husband did something like this. He has a responsibility to support his daughter, YES, but not her mother and half sister. If that dad bailed out, sucks for them, but it's not his problem. I would want to know why he feels compelled to let them stay in a house that is yours together, without even saying anything to you. I'd feel completely betrayed.

Are you a friend of step-daughters on FB? If so, how did you not reply to that post?! :) Your husband definitely needs to have a talk with her about respect and making sure she understands that YOU are his wife and she WILL show respect for you whether she likes it or not.

My situation is quite different in that I've been with my husband since his daughter was 6 months old. Step-daughter and I have our issues at times though. And her mother is definitely a freak, still is even though she's remarried with additional kids.

Good luck to you!

C.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

There is a saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." From your brief description, I think you have an amazing husband. He has a good heart. He is willing to do the right thing even if he will suffer for it. Count your blessings. Count them and count them. Thank you for sharing your story.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.V.

answers from Los Angeles on

You don't.
Go one being the bigger person that you are and pray for strength.
You will be glad you did.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.V.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi Katy,
What an awful situation to be in! I am glad you are able to undertand your husband's motivations were more out of a concern for his daughter than any disloyalty to you. I would encourage you to encourage your husband to hire a lawyer and ask for full custody. You have plenty of proof his ex is not fullfilling her motherly duties and is even encouraging dangerous behaviors.

The second thing I would reccommend is family therapy. You will need to find a way to set some realistic house rules and have a family life with your step-daughter. She need a safer environment to express her thoughts/feelings so that this situation does not continue to escalate. Although since she is 17 there isn't much time left in which to do much, but it will show your husbands ex and your step-daughter that you are both united and will not allow their behaviors to manipulate or split you further.

Good luck.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions