Issues with Ex-husband

Well, I think your son deserves to know his father, and likewise, I think your ex deserves to see his son. He may not be much help or much fun, but at least he is making some kind of effort. If all he wants are two visits a year, I would just try to grin and bear it. It is too bad that he is an pain in the rear, and it is strange that he doesn't contact your son otherwise (not even a card or a phone call?), but maybe this will change as your son gets older...it is hard to talk to a toddler on the phone. The thing is, it sounds like you don't want him around more, because he is not pleasant for you to be around, so it might be (for you) better that he isn't making too much of an effort. It is a double edged sword; if he is in better contact with your son, you have to deal with him more, too.

Sorry about the problems, but the truth is, it isn't about you it's about your son, who has the right regardless of child support, to visit and know his dad. I don't have the answer you want to hear but really you need to foster the relationship and bite your tongue. His not paying child support is because you have choosen not to ask for it, so go get it, most men won't pay unless they are forced, but it doesn't mean they don't love their child.

Your ex is oversteping what he can reasonably expect. If he is not involved in your son's life he has no business judging your parenting. If he continues to complain tell him he needs to get more involved, including child support and more than 2 visits a year. Your family is reacting to his behavior and if he isn't happy with it he needs to change what he does, and not just on those times when they see him.

His buying a ticket is not enough reason to allow his behavior. It is far less than the expense he should be having to have a relationship with his child. Do what you feel is right without considering that minor cost.

Take care of you child and be glad not to have to deal with his father any more than you have to.

Hi D.,

My daughter just separated from her husband of 5 years. She had to move out of state because she could not stand the pain of him being with someone else and having her sons around another 'mommy type." He was emotionally abusive to her, and as a result, the almost five year old exhibits the dads anger, and shouting. He gets frustrated easily when things don't go his way.
The 2 year old is a sweet tempered, darling child, that looks just like his dad, which I bet is hard at times for my daughter.
They have moved here to live with us until she can get back on her feet.

Today she went to get benefits from the state, stating that she does not want welfare, or any other benefits that will eventually go after him to pay, (because currently his job only allows him enough income to pay for an apartment.) She says he will be sending her a $600.00 stipend in May. (So far she has been here 6 weeks, and not even diaper money from him.)
I highly doubt he will send anything under his circumstances.
She say she has an appointed date set aside, that if he does not make good on his agreement, that she will take action. This afternoon the 5 y/o was asking when he could go and ride a steam train (which is in WA.) and my daughter said that his daddy might come and get him this summer. (I think this is a "bad idea." I would like him to drop out of their lives totally, but she wants him to be a part of their life. "What is she thinking.

In my heart of hearts I think she still loves him, even though he has no further interest in her.

My suggestion to you is that if your ex does not support his son, then he should not have the right to spend money on coming to see him. That is what my heart tells me. If you have his SS # I would turn him in and get what he owes his boy.

My sister in law finally is getting support after 10 years. Her kids are now grown, and her ex will be paying for the next 20 years to catch up what he owes. Now the money is going for the grandkids...Think about this.

Blessings,
C.

D.,
It may be because your son is still young & your ex doesn't feel like he can really comunicate well with him over the phone. The out of state thing can really hinder their relationship. I wouldn't ask him to come or not to come- i would let that be your ex's decision. Your son may ask to talk with his Dad as he gets older as well & I would honor your sons wishes on communicating with his Dad as well. Be grateful that you aren't in a custody battle. That would be a nightmare- 3 times a year to have to see an ex- Sounds great for you. I would worry more about what your son is feeling- he is the most important. You should ask for child support though- that is only right.
Best wishes,
M.

Well I don't really have any advice, but I can tell you from my own experience with my dead beat dad, and watching how my brother sister, and my mother dealt with him. One thing I can tell you for sure, is that when your son is old enough, he will see who his dad is. My dad never paid child support and when he wanted to see us, which was once a year, my mom had to buy all 3 of us tickets, but she never said anything to us about how she felt, she let us grow and see him for who he is. As an adult now, I love my dad, he is actually one of my best friends, and has been there for me through the diversity in my life, but from 10-17 I was very angry at him and it took a lot to work through it. if my mom had stopped us from having a relationship with him I would have suffered greatly as an adult. I think your son will see him for who he is, but for now all he sees when he does see him is his dad. obviously you need to do what you think is best for your son. But as a child of parents who broke up before I can remember them ever being together, and through the eyes of a kid with an almost totally absent father, like I said I don't have advice, just experience. I hope you figure out what you need to, and I wish you luck. Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom.

Hi D.,

Your ex sounds similiar to mine. My daughter turned (3) in December and her dad has been out of her life more than he has been in it. I tried for much of my pregnancy and the years after to encourage my ex to be a father and have a desire to know his daughter and support her in all the ways that a man should. But I have had to realize that even though I think he should want to be a father and know what a blessing my daughter is, I can't do anything to make him have those feelings. When I stop trying to be the one in the middle trying so hard, he stopped. He has not seen my daughter in 10 months, and has not called for 8 months. I did file for divorce and child support when my daughter was 10 months old, but he hasn't paid but a couple payments, and for as much news there is about collecting, in all reality if he is out of state you won't really have any ability to collect the support if he isn't willing to pay it.
So I guess with that background of what I've experienced, I would recommend that you STOP beating yourself up because he doesn't have a relationship with your precious son. Don't waste time talking to him, arguing with him or taking any thing he says to heart. You are "mommy"! Your son loves you and wants and needs your time. Don't give that time to his father when he doesn't deserve it. I would file for the child support, but don't expect it. Look up the laws in your state about termination of parental rights. I have a case open to terminate my ex's rights in Wyoming. The grounds that I am using are: 1. No meaningful contact for (1) year or more. 2. None payment of child support. 3. best interest of the child.

You cannot deny a visit, but you don't have to drag your ex kicking and screaming or complaining to the visit either.

And why is he complaining to you about the internet and hot water if he is staying in a hotel? When he is visiting a 3 year old he needs to be playing with him, not talking or complaining to you or your family.

Kindest Regards,
TRUDI

I believe that you are crazy...I would be getting childsupport asap. I would have a talk with him about either paying childsupport or signing over his rights. If he is a decent person I would go the childsupport road and figure you get paid enough to tolerate him what little he is around to some degree. I don't believe that you should roll over and play dead either. I would point out for some one who doens't even know his son he shouldn't really complain about what you are doing. I would do this very nicely, but say it just the same. I also would consider how much your ex means to your son now and long term. These are very important issues to consider, but I wouldn't let him have it both ways.

The fact you are not recieving child support does not make him no longer your son's father and it doesn't terminate paretnal rights. Until you decided you want to terminate parental rights no court in the land will allow you to keep a father from his son, no matter how much of a complainer he is. If it were me I would tell him that you are sure your son will be glad to see him but it would be helpful if he could keep his complaining to a minimum for your son's sake...tell him that you are trying to teach your son to be grateful for what he has and so you have enacted a no complaining rule in your house. You can't force him to comply of course, but you will have told him how you expect him to behave and that should make you feel better anyway. I agree with other posters that you are crazy not asking for child support. I also think it is crazy to not ask for child support thru a state agecny (as opposed to a verbal agreement between the two of you that a government agency is not enforcing). When he is home this time I would take him aside when your son is not around and tell him that you are going to be seeking child support and you hope he will not make it into a big problem...that you are doing it for your son and nothing else.

Let him take him for the day and not hang around your place. You won't have to hear a word of complaint because he isn't near you. It will also give him a dose of being a father to a 3 year old! That is enough to shock some sense into him. I would only do this if you trust him to bring your kid back! Have him plan a whole day with his son. Don't suggest anything or tell him in advance just do it. You have to do it everyday without help why should he? This may sound mean but you are accomadating him and all he does is complain! He might have bigger issues he isn't talking about if he is complaining about Hot water! He needs to get a grip on reality or come clean with what the real problem is!
C. B

I don't have an ex-husband, but I was in the same situation. My son's father basically blamed me for anything that was wrong between he and my son. What I decided to do was to stop making the issues of my son's father my own issues. He has issues with himself and therefore cannot take the resposiblity of making the choice of not playing an active role in my son's life. I decided to do everything that I could to help them build heim build a relationship with my son. I would even pick him up to come over for a visit. My son loved those visits. Soon, he moved around so much that I could not contact him. He did not make his location available to my son and I. That however was his issue. He made that choice. My son has formed his own opinions about both his father and myself. It is not by my actions if he has a bad image and opinion of his father. I did do everything in my power to ensure that they developed a healthy relationship.