Is This Too Personal of a Topic to Ask About?

Yes, leave it alone and try not to think about it. They may have chosen that they do not want kids at all, or maybe one wants kids and the other doesn't so it's a sensitive topic for them, or they may have had difficult fertility issues and have come to terms with it. Either way, it's noone's business.

I'm in a similar situation with my brother and his wife. I think she wanted kids but he didn't but I don't know. I've never asked because I don't want to cause pain for whatever reason and I had my daughter late in life. I was asked this question when I was single and married and found it can come off as intrusive or judgemental.

p.

I had a really funny conversation about this with a good friend of mine. She and her husband had tried for over 7 yrs to get pregnant and had losses on the way, but ended up with a lovely little boy. During that time they spoke about their experience with people they were comfortable with, but others never knew of their struggles. The wife told me at one point that she was so tired of people asking if they were going to have kids or (after their son) if they wanted to have more kids. She said, "why are they so interested in my sexuality/fertility?" I've never been one to ask about family planning, but it struck me as so odd that so many people think it is appropriate to ask about such things. So I told her the next time someone asked her about having more kids she should say "I'm not sure...but do you have anal sex?" I figure it's about as personal a question and just as inappropriate. We had a good laugh about it, and our husbands listening in almost peed their pants.

honey, if somebody says they "want to have kids someday" and they dont, chances are good , they are just saying that because they are sick and tired of people asking "when are you going to have kids???" think outside the box, stand up for your brother and support his decision not to discuss something so personal. chances are good, it will be a very welcome relief not to get pressured by at least one person. i was married to my first husband for just over twelve years, and not a day went by that i was harassed about having kids, one woman was so gauche that she corned me at a funeral and said that i was probably just doing it wrong. did i mention that we were at a funeral ? course i told her why dont you and husband show me what i am supposedly doing wrong ? theres a nice size couch right over there.
K. h.

I would not ask unless he brings it up!

This situation happened to my mom's brother and his wife. They were great with kids, but after a few years of marriage, never had any. My mom & grandma asked him one day when they were going to be and aunt & grandma and (I remember this VERY well) my uncle looked at them and said, "There isn't going to be any g*# d@#& kids. Don't ever bring up the topic again!" We never knew if it was him, her, or both as to why they never had any, but it really isn't any of our business to know.

Don't ask. It's really none of your business and isn't important for you to know. I know you love your bro and you're curious, but they will talk when/if they want. Some couples just don't want children and that's okay.

You have good instincts-stay with them! my sister got married in her mid 30's to a man a little bit younger. There was talk of a family but it never happened. I never knew until a little over a year ago how utterly bitter this has made my sister-until my oldest daughter married and had a baby. The jealously and envy has consumed her to the extent that they cannot even speak of my precious little Grandchild, nor are they able to be around people that have children. If they go to a restaurant and there are too many families/children there-they are all perceived to be ill behaved and hateable-and my sister and BIL simply leave. My advice-never mention it.

Why do you need to know? When they decide and if it is something they want to discuss, they will let you know...and if they get pregnant, you definitely will know. If they've been trying and you bring it up they don't have any yet, they could take that offensively, so leave the topic alone!

I think it's best if you leave it alone, especially since your gut is telling you that the topic is taboo. If it was a subject that was okay to talk about, being that you are close to your brother, he would have brought it up by now. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time they were asked, but after 11 years of marraige I'm thinking it's safe to say that if they don't have any kids they either can't get pregnant or they don't want to. It's not like they were really young when they got married, they were 29, which is plenty old enough to know whether it's in the cards for you or not. It may be that your SIL doesn't want the family to know if she's struggling with fertility, so your brother has been silent out of respect for his wife's feelings. I don't think you should ask about it unless the topic is brought up by your brother, and even then be sure to tread lightly.

I'd say to trust your gut. Our instincts pay attention to 1000 small details that our conscious mind misses.

I agree with you, keep your mouth closed. Too personal of a subject to get
into.

Keep it to yourself unless THEY bring it up.

Yeah - I think it's personal. If he makes a vauge reference again, make a vague question in return - him - "we want to have kids" - you - "well, go home and start trying". If he laughs it off, leave it alone. Otherwise you have a door to start a conversation.
Some men/women just can't conceive, and they may feel it's a stigma. I wouldn't bring it up on purpose just in case it makes them feel bad.

I think it totally depends on your relationship with your brother. I am extremely close to my siblings and we talk about everything. If your instincts tell you to keep your mouth shut I think you probably already know what you can and cannot discuss with him.

I say it depends. If it was my brother and the timing was right I would ask him. But I can't tell you what is right with your brother. My brother and I are very close and when alone with him, I know I could ask such a personal question as he could with me. But not everyone in my family could. (We were like twins growing up, albeit he was two years older than me.) And hope that doesn't sound weird to others....because I don't mean really personal things.

That being said, I know most couples whom I know that chose not to have kids right off the bat told friends and family when they got together. The ones, in my experience, that are quiet about it, usually are the ones that are having fertility problems. Like I said in my experience, doesn't mean it holds true to everyone.

It depends on how formal is the relationship you have with your brother. My sister and I have always been close, there was never a subject we couldn't talk about. Infact i feel fortunate to have someone so close to speak to about my VERY personal problems since i would keep them from other people even good friends. Family should be on another level. But I believe it's cultural too, in the US people tend to mind their own business even within family ties, wether in the mediterranean countries (or in latin america) things are different. What is your "family culture" as far as what you consider intrusive?

I think no matter what....you should NEVER ask. Believe me...if they want you to know they will bring it up. There is obviously some sort of reason, and it is no one's business unless they chose to share it of their own volition no matter how close you are. If he felt comfortable enough with the answer he would have already told you.

If you're close to your brother, I'd say to ask him. However, ask him when you are alone and do not press for information if he is not forthcoming. But I would not assume the worst. And if it's a painful subject, as his sister, you can be a support for him. In society, it seems, painful subjects become taboo. When, in fact, it's these painful subjects that we need to talk about most in order to persevere.

I guess my question to you would be, why ask? Is your curiosity just getting the best of you?

I think it is too personal to ask, no matter how close you are to someone. You know HE wants kids and they don't have any. So after that, I'd let it go. Nothing good can come of it. Obviously he's not discussing it with you, so if I were you, I'd take the cue.

I hope my response doesn't sound too harsh towards you, that not my intent.

It's non of your business if they are going to have children or not. I say keep quite. I know that for me - I was 40 when I first got pregnant due to lots of fertility problems. Every time someone would ask me when I was getting pregnant - it hurt my feelings and caused great stress in my marriage.

It is your brother, so I guess it would depend on how close you are to him. I only have one sister and I feel like she and I can ask or tell each other anything and everything. Not everyone has the same relationship of course. I would say always go with your gut instinct.

Maybe they are not discussing miscarriages, infertility, etc or are on a waiting list to adopt, and if so, they may find it too painful to discuss.

Tread cautiously with this one. I'd wait until your brother or his wife brings it up. Couples in your brother's situation have deeply personal reasons for being private about this. Sometimes, there's a medical issue and they don't want the intrusive questions or advice, and in these sorts of cases, sympathetic comments or conversation may not be welcome. Other couples go through a rough time where one partner or the other may not want kids, for whatever reason. I knew a woman who'd had so many previous pains and medical issues, the idea of having a baby was just misery to her, and her husband had to reconcile his desire for a child with his desire to live a life with a person he loved dearly. They made what I believe to be a hard choice to stay together, without having children, and are happy to have those moments stay behind them, focusing on the future and enjoying it together. Sometimes, they have to compartmentalize this, and we who love them need to let them, even if it means we feel left out a bit.

There are a lot of other gray areas. I know from my own experience of three miscarriages that I *really* didn't want to discuss it with certain people. Family members could become more emotional than was helpful, especially the comments of 'how sad' they were for me, because I didn't have a child at the time. No one likes to feel that others perceive them as 'missing out'. Your instinct is wise. Be a good listener, should they choose to talk, but other than that, let it be their choice to start that conversation.

Best,
H.

I think it depends on the kind of personality that your brother has, and how close of a relationship you have with him.

I know my brother was in a relationship for 8 years and we were all wondering if they were ever going to get engaged. I didn't want to be the pushy, annoying "are you ever getting married" type sister, but at the same time, I was wondering what was going on, and if there were concerns about marriage that he had that I could help with (being happily married for 5 years myself), etc. My brother in general is an open guy, and we are very close, so I decided I would bring it up about 10 months ago. He ended up pouring his heart out to me about his reservations, and it started a several months long discussion between us about marriage, and what it means in our family. It was pretty great! Then a few months ago he ended up asking me for help picking out the engagement ring, and they are now engaged and planning a wedding :)

But I knew that by respectfully asking my brother, in a non-public setting, and in non-pushy way, was the only way I was going to get a good reaction from him. And I think having a good talk really helped me! And it brought us closer :)

But, if your instinct tells you to keep quiet...then I don't know. You know your brother better than we do, and what might be acceptable to him??

Good luck :)

K

I think that if you're close with your brother ask him! Do it when you are alone with him and do it in a caring way. If he responds with more of the same answers he's been giving then assume he doesn't want to talk about it. If he comes out and tells you what's really going on make sure you're in his corner when people ask about whether or not they're going to have kids. In my family (including aunts, uncles, cousins etc..) all topics are fair game and we know that the other is just concerned for us and wants to help. For us, it's nice to know that we're all behind one another.

I wanted children with my second husband (I had two with the first). We were unable to have any. I cried and cried over many a negative pregnancy test. I was grateful when people did not ask about it. Not to say that everyone is like me-you never know. On the other hand it is your brother and not a stranger off the street, so it shouldn't be that uncomfortable to ever have a conversation about it. I have a sister who is happily married, has dogs,and a great career and NEVER wanted children. She married a man with two from a previous marriage. That was just fine for her. We do not all feel the same. I wish I could have ten more, (husband doesn't want to adopt). My sister goes to dog shows. That is enough for her.

I would ask. I don't see what the big deal is. Just be prepared for their answer whatever it might be and dont come off all shocked or pitiful towards them. A lot of people dont want to have kids, it's a huge responsibility and my hat is off to those that make and stick to that decision, they know themselves well enough to know they arent ready to give up their life, which is pretty much what we do.
If they can't have kids, I'm sure they have a story to tell. They might think it more odd that you havent asked.

It's usually a really good idea to follow your instincts! If you're talking about kids one day, you may want to casually ask him, "Do you and _______ever want any kids?" Then you'll have your answer. Don't make any judgments on it or say too much about whatever it is. If they turned 40 last year, and they've been married 11 years and don't have kids AND you've never heard anything about them trying with no success -chances are they don't want them.

it depends on your brother, i know i could say something like (he's my only sibling i talk to-have another bro but long story)

so when you gonna make me aunt mer again? if he isn't comfortable, he'd just laugh at me and tell me that's for me to know and you to find out

I think it depends on your relationship with your brother. I know my brother might be suffering and want to talk about it and be too shy to bring it up. I agree, to trust your gut. If you feel your brother will understand your intent than go for it, and maybe he will be glad you did. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut as you originally planned. Good luck!

I would only ask if there was an opening, like the one you mentioned in your post. You might have missed the opportunity if he is subtle and made only a vague reference...so keep you eyes and heart open. He might want to talk and then again he might not. So be respectful.

If you have a good relationship with your brother why not ask him...Probably best do not do it in front of your SIL or other friends family :)

If you and your brother and/or SIL have a close relationship, then I think it is perfectly appropriate to ask them. If they dodge your question, you know where you stand and are not as close with them as you thought you were.

I would leave this one alone unless you get the feeling that he's upset about not having children. Is there a reason that you want to know or just curious? I guess that would be my deciding factor. If it's just curiosity... keep it to yourself. If you think there's something upsetting him... mention something like "at dinner the other night you mentioned having children again. Have you guys put any more thought into it?" I wouldn't ask it out-of-the-blue, but if it comes up you can ask something a little vague and go from there.

We are in a similar situation with my niece and her husband. He has talked about wanting children more than once... even joked about asking the car salesman whether or not a car seat fits in the back. That was over a year ago... no baby. I think it's my niece's hesitation, but it hasn't come up again recently. We're close, but that seems a little personal to bring up outside of a related conversation.

It's your brother! You are totally allowed to ask him and his wife for that matter if they think they think about expanding their family. You are not allowed to react personally to their answer, judge them, or "lay it on them". If you ask - be ready to support their decision - even if it's hard to mean it. (been there)
But mercy, unless there is some weird drama or wall between your brother and his wife - I would imagine a sibling being of all people - the folks we can be most real with. There are no secrets - we know each other's roots. You're his sister and you care about his life and you are curious about something that is pretty major - that's completely permissible! If your intent were to manipulate your opinion of what you think is in his best interest on this topic - than sit on it, but it's ok to want to share these types of intimacies with people we are close to!
(says me :)