Is It Time for Timeouts?

I have never found time-outs to be effective (except ironically for my teenager who does get sent to his room to cool off if a disagreement gets heated).

Anyway, I always used the concept of "swift and terrible". This only works well if your basic personality is loving, funny and humorous because it requires a sharp contrast.

When one of my small children would misbehave toward another I would swoop in, get directly in their little face, hold the offending hand that had hit firmly and with my most serious and lower toned voice would say "Wrong!" (I didn't use "No" becaause that has a tendancy to get used to much).

The change in my tone, behavior and expression was generally pretty shocking to them. They didn't like to displease Mommy after that because they liked the "nice" me. By using just that one word "wrong", I was able to communicate to their little brains that what they were doing was just that..."wrong".

Anyway, hope that gives you another idea.

P.S. Keep in mind that not all of the hitting, pinching, biting is wrong. Boys need to develop that to some extent, it is all part of their make up to jostle for rank and challenge each other. I turned a blind eye to most rough housing with my guys unless it looked like it was a victim /aggresser situation. When the rough housing was returned in like, I allowed it and still do.

Hi A.,

well...if you study the history of the whole "time out" thing you will realize it was not originally designed as a punishment. It was named time out...for parent and child (children) to cool off and not escalate...get into a battle of wills). Time out has been over-used and now is viewed as an isolation/punishment delivered with a rejecting tone.
There is also the thought that time out works better with older toddlers than such young ones.
I like a website...Love and Logic..that talks about strategies to help get things back under control. There are others...such as ConnectedParenting. They have in common...parent being empathetic, but firm. I think boys do play rougher, but they need to know what is not acceptable too. I am not sure that would ever ignore biting. That could get dangerous. Good luck.

Hi A., I responded to your other post and thought I'd try to help with this one too. I am no expert but I do also have twins, girls, 20 months. I learned a little bit about the Love&Logic but I don't feel like it works for me right now. Maybe when the girls are older... but when they're fighting and screaming I don't feel like saying "I'm sorry you're feeling this way... blah blah blah" is going to get through to them, you know? I started doing time-outs about a month ago but I've heard from many parents you can start around 12 mo so I'd say if that's what you want to do, go ahead. I use a pillow. I set it on the floor and when I need to separate them I put either one or both on pillows. I stand there and wait till they calm down (or not lol) and they now know to say "all done" and then I get them up and give them a hug and sometimes make them hug each other. I don't use time-outs often, usually just separating them works (especially if I'm not sure who started the fight!). Good luck! Twins are a challenge, I know, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

I agree with the posts talking about love and logic...timeouts send a message that when the child misbehaves they are out of the circle. How about a message that they are loved and accepted no matter what? We are doing all of this parenting stuff now, and hoping that when they hit their teen years we will still have some control. Sending a message of love and respect and acceptance now translates to honesty and respect later. That's why authoritarian parenting doesn't work well...just leads to any behavior later to avoid punishment.

There are two elements to disciplining: the child's emotional upset and the behavior. Using punishment techniques, such as time-outs, only deals with the behavior and not the emotional aspect. If the emotions are not addressed, the behavior often continues.

So try redirection and positive parenting, like saying, "We only use helping hands with our brother." Or, "Let's show that toy how to be nice."

There's a neat article at www.mothering.com/guest_editors/quiet_place/127.html
A quote:
How do we engage the cooperation of children? We talk to them in a different way. Here are some examples of new ways to approach problems with our children:
We can describe what we see.
I see a glass near the edge of the table.
We can describe the problem.
The kitchen is a mess.
We can give information.
Bikes left out in the rain will rust.
We can make a statement of appropriate function or behavior.
We don’t hit people.
We can offer a choice.
You can wear the red outfit or
the green outfit.
We can say it in a word.
Shoes!
We can describe what we feel.
When I come home tired from work, I feel sorry for myself when I have to make dinner. It would be so nice to come home to dinner being cooked and to have some help in the kitchen.
We can write a note.

Of course, some of that is for older children. Well, this is a long one! I'll sign off. Good luck...twins! I have nothing but respect for you. I'm sure you'll find the perfect solution. And I wish you patience in the mean time!

short time outs are fine if one is harming the other and good attention afterward to redirect and create positive energy

Yes! I read in my parenting books that discipline should start at 9 months which I always thought was young. I have put my son in time out since he was 1 and he is now the same age as your boys. I do it for a minute at a time. They know exactly what they are doing at this age! Good luck!

We used 1-2-3 Magic (it's the title of the book) for our kids. We started our daughter at about 20 months with it. It's for 2+ years, but the doc said she was ready.
But we had been giving her timeouts since 12 months and they worked like a charm. They say one minute per year in age, but we found that 30 seconds was all she needed.
And for our son, he's 19 months, all we have to say is "do you want a timeout?" and he quits the naughty behavior.

Hi A.!

I am a fellow MoM of twins - my boys are 14 months old. Aaron, is a little more aggressive in the hitting/biting area than Adam. While I am totally for a time out here and maybe a spanking there, I think that at this age they may be a little too young to understand a time out. These are my firsts and when they start in on each other I give them a strong and loud no and it seems to get their attention. I will tell you that the more I 'chase' them or focus too much on what they're doing - they LOVE the attention and seem to do it more. Hope this helps! Hang in there, I truly believe this is the age where they learn how far they can go with mommy.

siblings without rivalry is a great book written by Faber and Mazlish.
or check out love and logic website for sibling cd's.

i've learned with my own kids to put empathy, time and attention on the kid who got hurt, like really going out of your way to say i bet that really hurts, i'm really sorry that happened to you, can i get you an ice pack or band aid, maybe a drink of water while you're sort of ignoring the kid who did it. the kid who did it will see that he won't get energy/attention for aggressive behavior.

good luck with your patience....and know that this phase will pass

I've read most of the Love and Logic books in preparation for parenting (my little girl is 10 months.) My background is teaching and when someone bought me one of the Love and Logic books for my baby shower, I was hooked. It's not a natural parenting way for me, hence why I've bought multiple books and plan on reading and rereading them over and over to help. This parenting style is more similar to the way my husband was brought up (both of his parents were teachers.) There isn't the arguing, debating, and confrontation. It's simple, what you say goes and you only say it once...no arguing. If the child doesn't get it done, then you let them know that you had to go ahead and do what you had asked them to do and consequently will be... (examples: too tired to cook dinner, will need to be reenergized with payment from them with their favorite toy, had to hire someone to rake the yard and they will have to figure out how to pay them, etc.)

My husband tells a story about his folks asking the kids to do the dishes after dinner and there were complaints, so his parents said that rather than working together, now they could each do the dishes on their own. When one was done, the next one had to get them all out, wash them, & then put them away. Of course this is a bit over the top, but the kids learned that they would much rather do what their parents asked them to do the first time than complain and have more work in the end.

Like I said, I am still learning how to do this, but I really think it's a great method of parenting.

Specifically to your situation I would figure out how to separate the two boys. When they hit (or whenever they aren't playing/sharing well together) I would say something with empathy...oh dear boys, I'm so sorry that you're having trouble playing well together. When you can't share (be nice, etc.) you cannot play together. Then swiftly separate the two for XXX amount of time. Then when you feel they're ready to try again, ask, "Do you think you're ready to share (play nicely, etc.) with your brother now?"

Good luck!

A. ~

I think it's more than time for timeouts. Gentle but firm, age-appropriate - and loving, of course - discipline should start as soon as possible. As soon as the child can comprehend behavior leading to consequences, they need to be given clear boundaries, so you can head off physical behavior as or before it starts. I started flicking fingers (usually for dangerous behavior) and stern vocalization when my kids were about 11-12 months.

Also physically (non-emotionally) removing them from the given situation is important. I had to do it repetitiously, which was tedious, but little ones need the over-and-over approach.

Chances are, A., you're already doing most of this without even trying. It sounds like you're a conscientious mom. Use common sense and keep it up!

~ R. J

Hi A.,

This is my first time on this site and I am hoping to get some help, but I came across your dilemma. My advice is you'll never know until u try. Kids are so smart and both of my boys respond well to time outs. I still give them to my 10yr old, everyone need a minute or 2 to calm down. Good luck:)

I started my boys on time out when they were that age and they responded really well. You just make sure you tell them ahead of time what they are in trouble for and make sure there is nothing fun to do in the time out space, Just a chair and a wall to look at. The rule I have used is 1 minute for each year of life they have lived, so right now you would only be putting them in time out for 1 minute each time. I also used a different chair in a different room as a crying chair. When my sons felt like crying for no reason or for being told NO, they got to sit in the crying chair until they were done crying and then they could get up. This stopped the fits pretty good.

D. P.

"Love & Logic", it is a book, never too young to start. It stresses his making choices, learning from his/their mistakes and you sticking with your decisions. It was required reading (and classes) at that private middle school a few years ago. It works best with both parents being consistent.

Hi, A. -
Me again. Mama of the 2 year old girl twins. Isn't this fighting thing awful?? My girls do it, too. 99% of the time, they are very loving and sweet with each other, but when they get angry, watch out. They hit, they shove, they pull hair. It's unbelievable. I haven't started time-outs yet because I think they won't understand. I'm sure lots of Moms will disagree, but for my girls I found that separating them, getting eye level with them, and giving them very sternest direction about "no hitting" I can muster seems to do the trick. Until the next time....
I think it's all a natural part of their development - particularly twins.
This, too, shall pass.
Good luck.