Is It Possible to Have Postpartum This Late?

If you can afford it, hire a babysitter so you can get away once in a while, some me time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. When he is three he can start preschool and once in kindergarten it's all day. That's when I get my sanity back - while the kids are in school, then the craziness begins from when they get home until bedtime!

Honey'chile.... it is the rare mom who DOESN'T get to exactly where you are from time to time. It doesn't mean you're a terrible mom who should never have had kids, or who should never have any more. It just means you're in a lousy place right now. It's when it lasts longer than an hour or a week or a "whatever" that makes it different than the "bang your head against the wall" kind of days. It's obvious you love your son, even as it's obvious you're at the end of your rope. Don't sell either of you short. The best mom in the world has cried when naptime is over... looked longingly at party dresses and snapped at everyone the rest of the week... or has gotten through the day one minute at a time without killing anybody...and it was a close thing, that everyone went to bed that night alive and breathing. ESPECIALLY if anyone has the nerve to COMMENT on how she's not living up to x,y,or z expectations... instead of laughing, hugging, helping, and reassuring.

Regardless of where the depression has come from... if it's depression, treat it. A good counselor is invaluable. My view of them is as a very educated, very good friend, that I just never was lucky enough to meet on the street. I've gone through periods of my life where my friends kept me afloat, and I needed a therapist like I needed a 3rd ______ (arm, breast, head, whatever)... and times where my friends were either not there, or worse, had NO idea where I was at and just made my life harder then it already was! Oy. They couldn't help me. But a therapist TOTALLY knew exactly where I was at and helped me through it.

((There's a great quote, btw: "If you're going through hell...keep going!" I remind myself of that one a lot... since my tendency is if I'm going through hell, to stop, look around, and essentially set up house. So I tell me'self: "Nope! Keep moving! Get to the other side, girlie!" ))

But yah. If it's depression treat it. Regardless of where it's come from.

And here are some tricks I've learned in my own journey where the theme is "having my cake and eating it, too".

- Look at what I'm really sad about missing out on.

Is it being able to just walk out of my house without having to gather up enough supplies to keep an army fed, and then have to change my clothes twice because the first time I got thrown up on and the second time I spilled coffee/juice/milk down my front?... Answer: Two bags. One in the car and one in the house. Changes of clothes for baby and me in both, hot and cold and wet weather. Diapers in both. Food/Soda/Water in both. $20 in both. Everything I can think of extra in the trunk (from swimsuits and sunscreen, to snow suits, to first aid kit with child & adult meds, to garbage bags for diapers). An entire set of extra makeup, mouthwash, perfume, deodorant, razors, sunglasses, and brush and hair ties, in the glove box. I may look like hell leaving the house... but I can "fix myself" in the car. Screw the stroller. Grab munchkin and bag and head to the car. Decide to leave. Leave. Heaven.

Dancing all night/girls night out/meeting a friend for a drink/long dates/?... Overnight babysitting once a month. Drop off at bedtime pick up the next day between lunch and dinner. ((Planned hangovers, I've noticed, have limited my actual hangovers to once or twice a year... but even if I'm not drinking, having the ability to sleep in until noon... so heavenly)).

Short nights out? ... Babysitting. So so so much more affordable after little ones are in bed. I've had college friends do it for a quiet place to study & pizza, other's who'll do it for as little as $20 from bedtime - midnight. My son never even knew I was gone 9 times out of 10.

Daytime alone time? (for sports, coffee, play, vegging out, reading, running errands, manicures, robbing banks, scuba, sunbathing, whatever)... hello preschool/ daycare/ babysitting/ child trading. I personally need to have a block of time I can count on, so I tend to prefer things I pay for, where the only sick days I need to worry about are OUR sick days... but we also have a standing 4 hour a week (fridays) nana day, where my son hangs out with nanna and papa.

(( <Laughing> Now check this out: I've felt like sticking my head in an oven, have cried when naptime is over... or worse, just won't start... have sent myself out of the porch and let my wee one cry at the top of his lungs for 5 minutes while I press my face into the glass door, and just breathe, regaining my temper. I arrange times to go to concerts, time to get fall down drunk and sleep until 2pm, I've arranged babysitting so that I can lay on the couch in my jammies eating popcorn watching movies. All that and more. I also love kids. Am ridiculously happy when 2-10 or more are racing though the house chased by the dog. From the time my son was 1.5 on we crank up the music and dance while we clean. I get reeeeally silly. We search out mud puddles to jump in, and skateboard in the house (huzzah for pergo), climb trees, lay in the grass and watch the clouds, and curl up and watch movies in bed. I've volunteered in the Pediatric Intensive Care. I teach elementary kids 2 days a week. I TA in microbiology and ceramics (aka teaching college kids another 2 days). I'm still a student IN school. I'm in my 2nd homeschooling my 7yo. I LOVE spending time with my son... although I'm still working on relaxing and not scheduling every minute (aka, boredom is not only okay, it's crucial for development of independent thinking, creativity, & imagination)... I LOVE spending time with my son... but I also love time away. I didn't get a lot of away time when he was little (had childcare for 4 hours a week, while I was physically in class). Once he started preschool though, the pendulum shifted. I started taking care of myself. I got some way necessary me time. And these days, we work on balance.

We all figure out ways to keep our sanity. Because life does change. But nearly everything we did before, we can do now. It just takes a little arranging. Which can be impossible to see, much less accomplish, in a depression. Big, small, clinical, postpartum, whatever. It's like drowning in a foot of water, not knowing we could stand up at any time.

So get some help, and save major life choices (like adoption, running for the hills, or skydiving) until you've been feeling good/better for a few months. You may still want to go that route... or you might knock anyone flat who even suggests it.

R

(PS... my best friend -30 years older than me- warned me when I was pregnant I wasn't going to feel "like myself again" until my son was 2. Now I had hormone-induced depression while I was pregnant... suicidal between the hours of 5pm & 7pm every day for 30 weeks, and massive panic attacks thrown in randomly just to spice things up. Also had to have surgery 3 times to remove cancer. Also doubled my weight. So being pregnant was rough... but every day after birth I felt better. But in the end, she turned out to be right. I was NOT myself until my son was solidly 2. And then something just clicked. It may have been regular sleep. It may have been something else. But one morning I just woke up and felt like ME again. Me. Just me. Not mom-me, student-me, exhausted & crazy-me, or teacher-me. Not even daughter-me. Just me. And boy, oh, boy... was it the best feeling in the world.

hey girl...........i hear ya!!!! I responded to your other request.

Hang in there......

I think every mom fanticizes about having a day or two with NO KIDS.....and I think that it is normal. I don't know if it is postpartum or what....but I think you are probably depressed. I went thru post partum with my first and VERY SEVERELY with my second. My second pregnancy was not planned, and although I am happily married, neither my husband or I really "wanted" to have another baby so soon (my kids are 15mo apart). After I had my second child, I was worn out, tired, and felt like a failure at everything. I had crazy/scary thoughts....and I got help. I went on antidepressants. They really helped. I am doing A LOT better now, and I love both my boys to death, but I am not ready to get off of the anti-depress. IMO there is NOTHING wrong about being on anti-depressants when you need them. Go to your dr and let him know how you are feeling.

Something that I realized (a little late) is.....your KIDS can TOTALLY tell if you are upset or depressed.....I REALLY didn't think my son could tell how upset I was (he was only 15mo old!!!).....but I noticed a HUGE change in HIM when I finally got out of my depression. He stopped whining as much, obeyed me more, and his development took off.

I know it is hard....but you have to put on a happy face for your kids. Believe....I was (and sometimes still am) right there with you. But....you HAVE to put on your happy face.....trust me.
You need to get better so that HE will get better.

PLEASE dont' let ANYBODY make you feel bad about going on anti-depressants. There is NOTHING wrong with getting a little help when you need it.

You sound very tired, and your son sounds as though he's a lot of work. Whatever the reasons are for this, and whatever wrong choices you think you may have made, the only thing that matters now is that you take care of yourself and you take care of him. The fact that you've been brave enough to write it all down and ask for help from strangers is great: I would never have have had the guts to do that when I was feeling like you. The fact that you've acknowledged that there's a problem is also great. You need to give yourself a break and remember that these early years with a child, however good the circumstances are, are difficult for most people. If you're in an uneasy situation anyway, it can become extremely hard. So try to find a way to get some time alone, to get some sleep, to do something that you enjoy. Make this a priority. If you can get yourself back a bit, your son will come back. Try to keep things steady and consistent in his world - regular meals, regular sleep, not too many trips, as little sugar as you can, as much time as possible outside at the park or at least getting exercise (crucial for sleep for little boys), and watch his signals carefully: what's he trying to tell you with these tantrums? Good luck - it seems like it's going to last for ever, but things will get easier.

Hi J.,
I think that you might be dealing with issues from your own childhood. I have five kids ranging from 18 to 11months and yes they can be a handful. They do push our buttons and they demand our love through boundaries and nurture. I think your feeling come from maybe not having the resources or the tools in which to deal with him. What was your childhood like? That is not a blame questions to rail on your parents now but a question to say what was lacking and what our my expectations and how can i deal with my past so it doesn't ruin my present or my future. Please know that even when we have the best experiences with our own parents we can still become overwhelmed at times.

You also said there are other issues involved and so he could be reacting to those issues and you could be reacting to each other and that is explosive.
I really think you need someone to talk to who can hear your story and guide you through the outside issues and then find a counselor who can guide you through the past issues.
You are not alone and I know these feelings can be very scary and overwhelming. Hang in there and find help. You are your son's mother and you have it in you to be who he needs you to be and you have it in you to be who you were created to be.
You just can't do it alone. No one can. We were created for fellowship, so don't be afraid to talk and maybe you should see a doctor just to rule out hormones being an issue as well.
Take care and I will be praying for you.

Parenting is 80% dreadful & 20% bliss. The baby stage (until age 3) is so ridiculously challenging, that I am always amazed when people on here say they have an under 2 and a pregnant with another! More power to them. But just know that you are not alone in thinking that parenting sucks. The good parts get over-hyped... the bad don't get discussed enough. Do find yourself a playgroup and some other moms to give you support. The structure of our society tortures mothers as there are not enough hands to help. It takes a village to raise one child. It really, really, really, really does. Do what you can to gather your village around you. Sending you a virtual hug.

I am so sorry you're having these feelings. It sounds like you're really going through a rough time and I can empathize because I've been there too.

First of all, don't beat yourself up. You were not wrong to have a child, even if you decide not to have more. You had every intention of providing a safe, loving home and the fact that you're reaching out for help shows that you really do love your son and care about his well being.

I, too, have had visions of walking away and never coming back. Days when every waking second felt like an eternity and I couldn't wait for the next nap to come.

I've been in therapy for a year and a half and on antidepressants for six months. It has helped immensely. I am much more patient with my son than I used to be. I also realized that I had very unrealistic expectations about motherhood and being a stay at home mom, and therapy helped me realize that what I was feeling was common and ok.

It sounds like you need more support. Join a local moms group or online community (like this one) where you can commiserate with other moms about the hardships of motherhood, and where you can get tips on dealing with tantrums, not sleeping, etc. Even though a lot of moms talk only about the positives of motherhood, if you bring up the bad stuff, you'll realize that a lot of other women are going through the same things that you are.

I'm not sure where you live, but I have a great therapist in Beverly Hills if you're interested. There is also an excellent women's clinic at UCLA focused on pregnant and postpartum women. If you want recommendations, let me know.

It will get better. Professional help will make it get better sooner, as will more support from family, friends and other moms.

I wish you the best.
K.
http://oc.citymommy.com

It sounds like you're going through a terrible time and need some support. Your son is suffering because of your health, but don't blame yourself for that.
It sounds like you're in deep hole that you can't get out of. Is there anyone around where you live that you could either talk to or spend some time with? Even if it's just once a week.
Instead of dreading the moment your son wakes from a nap, try to think of things that you can do together. Get out of the house often even if it's to go for a walk or the park or the library.
Work on a routine where you're getting out, meeting people and think about things in your life that you love. If you have a routine that includes meal times, reading, playing, walks, shopping, helping around the house, maybe painting or coloring, the days might go by faster which means that you're enjoying them more.

When your son is asleep, watch him. Whilst he's sleeping, think about how precious he is and that he needs you and loves you. No one is at fault for what you're going through, which means he isn't to blame. It is a wonderful thing to have a child so no one should tell you that he is a mistake.

Please take care, and please write on here anytime you have these feelings. All the best, J..

No one here is going to tell you you shouldn't have had a child. Who are we to say that? You had a child and that is not a wrong thing.

It seems to me that maybe thinking your harsh thoughts about your son - your constant trying to get away from him, stems from your belief that he shouldn't be there.

He is there, and you should have had him. Let him be in your life. Slowly take steps to create the life that you want to live - and that includes time to yourself and time with your son.

He can be a powerful teacher, friend and companion if you let him be.

I understand this, because I too am learning from my child.

Love and relief to you ~ L.

Hi J.,

The problem is your sons father. You are in a bad relationship and you feel like you have no resources to get out of it. You can provide a happy healthy life for your son if you are happy and healthy. He can see his father on the weekends until his father decides to act like a father and a mate(husband). There are counselors who work for what you can afford to pay. You have to go with an open mind, listen and apply what you've learned to your everyday life.

I think you need a break.

Good Luck.

J.,
I just wanted to add a little, I know you already have a lot to read. FOr 1, you are a wonderful mom, so wonderful that you were brave enpugh to open yourslf up to complete strangers in search for help. That is amazing! It takes guts and the maternal love must be strong to give you that sort of bravery! I will be praying for you and your family.

Two books that I higly recomend are Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, It'll do wonders on the relationship with you and your son and help you to realize what is age appropriate and how to deal and discipline. The other book is Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. Rent the movie then buy the book. It'll save your marriage if you truely commit to it.

Also just reading up on line about normal behavior for your child at their age really seems to help me. It helps me to realize that I have to teach him things slowly and sometimes he is just acting as a normal child when I see him as a monster. And excerise really helps me. I see a total change in my mental health and my parenting when I am exercising everyday.

Feel free to email me to vent or talk anytime, I know how hard it can be, I've been there!
H.

All I have to say is YES it is a slow process when you try to fix something a "messed up " situation. Make sure you have a counselor to talk to. Find a support group if you can. And try to end your day listing what went right (even if it is simple stuff like "I made a nice lunch", "I got some fresh air", " I reached out when I was upset". "I took care of myself" "I took care of my son".) Obviously you care about your son, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about what he needs as well as what you need. It sounds like you are depressed and you are being hard on yourself. But I can see that you care and you are strong. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.

Boy, been there, done that... I finally joined a gym that had child sitting, and would leave her there and just walk or run, or bike for about an hour. Is was great, cause I could go when I was the most fed up and just chill, even if it was every day, or twice a day, and it was never extra, or I could go once a week and just have a break, it was up to me and I got some exercise, which helped.
Good luck
You are not alone.
R.

J.,
It sounds like you're really struggling and I have to say, it's really strong of you to recognize that and seek support. First, even from your brief note, it's clear that you are in a difficult situation and trying to make it better. There are people out there who can help you. You don't have to feel the way you are feeling, you can get help with that, and you can get some help to change some of your son's behaviors for the better. There are a lot of resources out there. I don't know where you live, but there are county and city mental health support services. Or, if you have medical insurance, it will likely provide some help with paying for some counseling. There are people who can help you feel more attached to your son (and help him develop more attachment). You could start with his pediatrician for getting a referral. You don't have to try to get back on track alone. With help, it may not be as very slow a process as it has been. You are not alone. Good luck!

Whatever it is HOLD ON HANG IN THERE NEVER GIVE UP Trouble doesn't last always. Your reaching out for help is good. Continue to seek help you and your son deserve the best Couseling, prayer, support group, doctors whatever it takes put in the effort you will get results
God bless and keep you!!!

It is great that you are reaching out. You need to go a step further and get some counceling. Call it post pardom, or just call it good old fashioned depression, it does not matter, it is how you feel. We all feel overwhelmed as mommies sometimes, but wanting to put him up for adoption may be a little further than normal in my opinion. Do you have anyone that can help you? Is there someone else in the picture that knows how you feel? I am so sorry, please feel free to p.m. me if you need to talk. (((())))

*****Alot of people gave some good advice, I would definately take heed. You should get counceling, honestly, your excuses are not being used for the first time. Contact your city, or county there is free help. As far as putting up a shield for therapists, we all do, you just have to go until you break through that, it will happen. You really should get some help for your sons sake.

Anyone who was in your situation would feel the same way!! It sounds like you have been sleep deprived and dealing with a challenging situation with a tough little peanut.

Be kind to yourself - see if you can get people to give you a break with your son on a regular basis a couple of hours a week or more if possible(family, friends, church?). You need support from kind adults to get through this!! I can tell you that even those with full time help, have days where they think about how easy it was before they had their children.

No one dare tell you that you shouldn't have had your son - you're probably a wonderful mom (your son would say so!) but you are in a very stressful situation.

Good luck and god speed on getting through this. Do try to find a counselor or confidant to help you through this tough time.

Hey J.,

Don't be so hard on yourself. The first step is recognizing you have a problem, which you have done. The next step, in my opinion, is for you to see a doctor. You seem like a strong person who doesn't give herself enough credit. I commend you, on asking for help. Good luck to you.

Hello J., I just wanted to tell you that I think it is a positive step that you are speaking out about your feelings. I hope someone out there can give you some good advice. In reading your post I felt that you are in pain and that you care about the well being of your child-otherwise these feelings wouldn't bother you so much. Hang in there. Again I think reaching out the way you have indicates that you want to do what is best for your son.

Hi J.,

Please seek counseling of some sort. Your son is picking up on how you feel and while it may not be the direct cause to his misbehavor (sp?), it certainly isn't helping. A counselor will also help you work through any issues you may have with his Dad and that can only help as well.

My daughter (she was 7 at the time) saw a licensed family therapist for about a year. Her name is Joan Matlock on Broadway in El Cajon, she did wonders helping me with my daughter.

You deserve to enjoy your life and your son! Please get some help so you can get there. You can get through this!

R.

Hey J.,
I am wondering if you have any time to yourself? Are you able to get away and do some self-care? Do you get much sleep? For example, get a sitter and go out with some girlfriends for dinner and a movie, or join a MOPS group, etc...anything that gives you a break. Kids are demanding and exhausting and in order for you to be the best mommy you can be, you need to give yourself a little TLC.
As for your son's behavior, he sounds like he's hit his terrible twos. There are some great books on how to handle this type of behavior. What to Expect the Toddler Years is a great resource. It gives some great ideas on how to handle certain behaviors and help you maintain your sanity in the process.

Hi J., Good for you for reaching out. When I get upset, what seems to help is write out what I'm grateful for and also to write out acknowledgements to myself. They don't have to be monumental. I'm grateful the weather is cooler today. I'm grateful my daughter ate her breakfast. I acknowledge myself for taking a shower this morning. I acknowledge myself for petting the cats. I acknowledge myself for taking my daugher for a walk. I'm grateful for mamasource. Stuff like that. Also, I hug my daughter as much as she'll let me. I try to absorb her love as deeply as I can and store it up for when I get upset.
You received a lot of great responses. Good luck and All the best. Breath.

Hi J.,

Okay, okay, one more comment! You've gotten a lot - since we're all sensitive to how tough this time is!

You're so strong, and so articulate! Way to go. Thank you for reaching out. I feel like that's been the hardest thing for me...reaching out, asking for help. I'm still struggling to get help with watching my 15-month old, but I'm working on it. :)

I'm not sure how you feel about your faith or churches in general, but I know most pastors are amazing at supporting people like us (moms with small ones and tough spots). Remember - they are representing, in a way, ALL of us, - who need love and support, and acknowledge a need for a REALLY BIG God, who loves and cares about our pain, and is constantly wanting us to reach out to others, and reach up to him. No matter what we've done or where we are, God is bigger, and has more love than any of us can use up. Yay.

Anyhow, pastors are great place to start - either walking into the office and saying, "I need help, I need to talk to someone (if you so choose), or I need to get connected with other moms, and people who can help me right now." Or whatever you want to ask for. If they don't help, move on to a church that is more mobilized, more able to connect and reach out. That's okay.

That said, consider finding a good church in your area - there are tons. Ask around if you need suggestions, neighbors, people at the grocery store, or try a few. Community churches, FourSquare, Calvary Bible churches, Cornerstone, Presbyterian, etc - are all a few that tend to be solidly rooted and not "crazy" - in terms of being true to the Bible. Within these beautiful communities of faith are TONS of people who can love and support you and your little one, and even your baby's dad. And remember, money and commitment aren't part of the deal. Just showing up is all you have to do...and of course, open yourself up to meeting a few people, talking with people in the nursery, etc.

In addition, or, separately, a big thing right now are "MOPS" programs - Mothers of Preschoolers - a great program that ALL are welcome to, whether you go to church or not, and simply are great support times with good food, great conversations where we all can share what we're struggling with, and they provide care for your baby while you relax with other Moms for a few hours. They're all over the country, usually a few in each area. They typically meet once a week for a few hours in the morning. I have been learning so much from the speakers about how to be a good mom (I just don't have time to read all the books! - plus - practical, personal help is just incomparable!) - not to mention how much all the moms share and learn and support each other. I think there are usually dues each fall/spring - but it doesn't matter - scholarships are always available, and usually you just gently mention, if indeed is your case, "I don't have money/the means to pay for this," and it will be taken care of. Trust me. We are all struggling at different points in time, and can't afford to pay. No worries. And by the way, most of us don't put on makeup, or, if any, a little "car makeup" and come in jeans and ponytails, hungry, and ready for breakfast! We drop off our ragamuffins at the nursery or classes, and head for some mom time. You might also connect with gals who are willing to watch your son while you take a few minutes/hours to SLEEP or take a HOT BATH, or eat in peace, or pickup your house, or whatever! Just ASK. I've finally started doing that, and while the time seems short every time, I'm still thankful to be finally taking a real break, during daylight hours, to take a breath.

So - I really encourage to try to reach out. You're clearly moving forward, which is impressive. Way to go. Take care. Thinking of you all today and going forward.

I'm not good with the "cheer up Charlie!" talk; so I'll get right to it. See your primary care physician and DEMAND that she send you to an endocrinologist. (or if you don't have a stupid HMO, find one asap and make an appointment.) Have your tyroid tested up and down... have your blood worked GOOD; get TSH, T3 and T4, Corisal levels... EVERYTHING. You could have any number of tyroid malfunctions that have SERIOUS and REAL effects on your body, your mental status and your congative ability. You owe it to yourself; but more importantly, to your child that needs a well mother. Please, INSIST on getting your tyroid tested.

Good luck,
K.

I'm not a doctor and don't know if postpartum could set in so late, but I do know that being a parent is really overwhelming sometimes. Especially when your children are young - 1.5, 2's, 3's. And if your relationship doesn't feel stable, then it will only magnify your stress. I'm sure you are a great mom. You might just need some support. I would try to reach out to other moms - finding supportive mom friends can really be incredibly comforting. Playdates with supportive moms are amazing. I would also talk to your own doctor and see if maybe an anti-depressant might help get you through this stage. Your son will grow out of his biting. The tantrums eventually will pass. His diet and sleeping will eventually improve. A lot of us parents have already traveled this bumpy road - it gets better. I used to take my daughter to Gymboree's open play hours and let her expend all of her energy. Bedtime was a bit easier when she wasn't full of pent up energy. Try to find things that he likes to do that YOU like to do, or at least aren't too stressful. My son, who has lots and lots of energy, loved his music class, but the moms in the group were so unfriendly that eventually I dreaded going and eventually, he did too. I enrolled him in a toddler gymnastics class where his boundless energy was welcomed and the parents were warm. Just look and find your niche.

I would totally recommend resuming some things that you loved to do or finding new ones that aren't necessarily related to your child - like a singing class, a yoga class, etc. It really recharges me and makes me more able to give to my children when I feel like I am still investing in myself.

I am also trying to work my way through "Parenting from the Inside Out". Very heavy content, but I would totally recommend reading this book.

Hang in there. It gets better.

J.:)

It sounds like you have major depression going on! That's all postpartum really is, it just comes closer to the birth of your child. I've been there, but not nearly as bad! It seems that you are dealing with more than you can handle. I recommend that you talk to your doctor, and/or a therapist. You need help, and so does your son.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, just something you need to take care of! Do it soon, for your and your son's sake!

Hello, First of all, it is good that you recognize that there is a problem. Is there a chance that you could take a parenting class? It is hard to deal with an almost 2 year old. Our 10 year old grandson was left with my husband and I when he was 5 months old. He was with us for three years. He was a handful and as he grew, he became so frustrated with the situation. His parents would visit once a week and he wanted nothing to do with them. This would make them mad and that would make the whole visit nerve wracking. When the courts decided to transition him to his parents, I talked to him to explain. He was so angry and upset that I decided to take him to a counselor. The counselor was able to give me ideas on how to react (or not react) to his anger. With much patience, we were able to work through it and he is a very sweet little boy who loves to be with us whenever he can. He knows that no matter what the situation, he has Grandma and Pop to love him.
I took a parenting class many years ago and still use the tools that it gave me. Also, is there someone to give you an occasional break? You sound like maybe you are just overwhelmed and/or depressed.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

WOW. you seem to have a lot to deal with. It is absolutely possible that what you are dealing with is postpartum depression or just depression in general. Either way get some help. I stayed home with my son until I almost went crazy! Once I got my son into a preschool so much of the negative feelings went away. Everybody needs a break. Some of us aren't 'stay at home mom' material. School gave my son the ability to play with other kids and have a schedule that I was unable to provide. I'm not one of those moms who can sit on the floor for hours teaching my kid colors and numbers. I love my son but he gets as sick of me as I get of him! It's ok to have a child that you didn't plan for and feel as though your life has been completely re arranged. It's ok to be exhausted from a 24 hour kid. My son didn't sleep thru the night till he was 15 months old, wouldn't eat or talk and he definitely throws fits!! Take time for yourself and cut yourself a little slack. I think you are expecting that it will be a natural thing and that you are experiencing something that other moms don't. Many moms deal with your exact feelings. Check into school for your son. If your financial situation is tough then you can get your son into some schools with the assistance of the state. If you don't have a job...get one. It doesn't have to be some great job that is going to lead to a zillion dollar career! Find a job doing something you like whether it pays well or not. See your OBGYN to discuss your feelings. She may decide it would benefit you to take medication or see a therapist. Just know that your feelings are normal, they won't last forever and one day you WILL be glad for having your son.

Oh, dear J..
Absolutely it's a must to insist on hormone testing, thyroid panels. And it could be depression that would benefit from medication.
Getting to the truth will be a Godsend, because all of those possibilities are easily treated!

The truth, and appropriate action will dispel all the lies, dear one. Guilt, shame, self-condemnation, self-hatred, self-pity, and feeling generally unloving, these things are from the pit.

It's going to be okay, really. A lot of women gave you beautiful advice for you physically, emotionally, and as far as rest and child discipline goes. Be decisive and gently firm the first time. Tell him he can get in the car seat or you will put him in it for him. Teach that you mean what you say in a kind voice with your follow through.

I'm praying for you, many of us are, and it's so, so good that you reached out! Take those life lines from all the mama's who have gone before you. You'll be so glad you did, then you, too, will be able to comfort others with the comfort you have received.

Love,
L. P
Ventura

J., just want to add my support. As moms, we've all been there to varying degrees. I know I have. I went through a wicked depression and I sought my GP's help. I'm not one to take pills, but I began taking an anti-depressant for awhile and it helped tremendously. You've made the first step by realizing your feelings aren't "right." Now go see your doctor and/or a counselor and get yourself back on track. We all long for those childless days at sometime or another, believe me. It's hard being a good mother!!! But the joys are the highest highs I've ever known. I truly believe once you address what's going on in your body, you will never regret having your child. Hang in there and get some help, ok? Peace to you.

I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. The easy answer is that yes, everyone has moments like this. But I suspect that if you're having them so much that you feel you need to ask for help, then you need help.
Are you getting any support? That "It takes a village to raise a child" quote is a cliche, but it's also really true.
Please help yourself and you feel better and be better able to help your child.

I wouldn't call it postpartum, but you can still be depressed. I was diagnosed depressed when my son was 1 1/2 yrs old. I was at my annual physical and chatting nicely with my Dr and I told her I was so tired all the time. She just said in a friendly way "You need to get more organized" and just I blew up at her. I gave her a detailed description of a typical day for me in 15 min increments from 4am through 10pm and asked her how the hell I could organize it any more than I already had. She calmly said "Hmmm, I'll be right back. Just wait here a few minutes.". And she put me on Zoloft for 6 months. I was just trying to be super mom and doing too much and I felt like I was on guard all the time. I just didn't realize it and couldn't relax. And my husband was helping me all the time. I don't know what I would have done without him. The Zoloft help me enormously. Sometimes I could let things go. The laundry would still be there tomorrow and I would take time to play and laugh with my baby and not let the messy house bother me so much. I narrowed down what was important to get done, then threw away the rest of the list. I'd nap when my son napped (sometimes the whole family did) and got more sleep than 6 or less hours per night. My Mom's upbringing was not ideal, but she tried to be the kind of parent she felt she deserved rather than what she had. Babyhood and toddler years are not every parents favorite phases. Everybody is different. You might enjoy the older years more. Don't be too hard on yourself. Hang in there!

If you didn't have it nearer to the birth it probably isn't postpartum. However, that doesn't mean you don't have diagnosable depression, which it sounds like you do. Mine is 23 months and I think any mother experiences some of what you feel, but I'm hearing a lot of hopelessness and despair in your tone. We all live for the times when they are asleep, we all loved aspects of our lives without children, that part is normal. But thinking about putting him up for adoption and wishing to go back to your old life sounds abnormal. Do you have any help raising him? Do you have insurance? I think you need help. I wish I could offer you more specifics. My two your old behavior sounds similar. I think that part if normal too, it just sounds like you are in a bad place physiologically and for you and your son's sake you need to pursue some help, even in the form of the hospital emergency room (if you don't have insurance). There you may be able to get into the system for some psychiatric help.

i've just reviewed some of you other comments and am alarmed that so many people minimized your feelings as normal motherhood. You are describing depression, and while it may be common, it not normal. Your son could be in danger if your depression escalates.

J.,
A few things here, yes, you definetly have a past that is impeding on your ability to be the great Mom you want to be. First, although you didn't want a child you had one (maybe it all happened for a reason). I didn't go through what you did as a child but once I had mine, I made a decision right then and there to break the cycle. My Mom was a great "Mom" but she didn't show love the way a child needs it, she was a yeller, screamer, hitter, she didn't allow us to express ourselves, the list goes on. She did a lot right, but she also did plenty wrong. Maybe this is your chance to break the cycle?

Also, diet can play a huge part on how we behave/feel. Keep a food journal, are their times when you feel more irritable than others? What did you eat? Maybe there is a trend? Are you getting enough sleep? Doesn't sound like it - we really need our zzzzz's. All this is relevant for your son too - what is he eating/drinking, is he sleeping enough? Is he getting enough stimuli (park, friends, playing)?

As for supplements, the one thing I can recommend with confidence for both you and your son is fish oil. Just make sure his is for kids. Nordic Naturals has as chewable for his age. He should be taking 2.5grams a day. You may need more, here is a chart and dosage recommendation from Dr. Barry Sears: He is the creator of the Zone diet.

The Importance of Fish Oil
• Reduces inflammation
• More effective than statins (cholesterol lowering drugs)
• How much fish oil
o Maintenance of wellness – 2.5 grams/day
o Treatment/prevention of obesity, diabetes, CHD – 5 grams/day
o Treatment/prevention of cancer, chronic pain – 7.5 grams/day
o Treatment/prevention of neurological disorders – 10 grams/day

I think it's great that you reached out. I hope you get the help YOU and Your son deserve.
M.

Dear J.,

I feel for you, I really do. I can totally relate to what you're going through and I know how guilty it makes you feel just having those kinds of thoughts and feelings. I had my sons 14 years apart and was 40 when I had my second son and even though I had experienced motherhood before, I was not prepared for the sadness and frustration that followed his birth since I had not felt that way after the birth of my first son. In my case, my doctor told me that, yes, postpartum depression is possible and probable and that it probably did start not long after he was born and only continued to grow as time passed. I eventually got to the point where I really felt crazy at times and I broke down in her office just having a normal exam. She prescribed an anti-depressant for me and it really helped; eventually my mood swings evened out and I found I was able to function more normally and have more patience once the medication had time to take effect. Please talk to your doctor and see if this is the type of help you need. You might feel differently about your decision to have your child and be able to better enjoy motherhood once your hormones have leveled off. Please don't assume your a terrible person, incapable of being a good mother; this could truly be a medical situation that requires professional intervention. I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope you will take my advice (since I've been there). God bless you!

Y.

I don't know about postpartum, but you most certainly could have some sort of depression. For people prone to depression, it can be brought on by stress...and raising a two year old can be very stressful. As a working mom, I try to appreciate the little time I get to spend with my two year old. But on the days I see him all day, I am ready for a break after only a few hours. Plus I have a very hands on husband who is always there for support. I really don't know how single mothers remain sane doing so much on their own. From your post, it sounds like you are alone with him all day and do not get a lot of help. Try to get out of the house as much as possible. Go to the park. Look up mommy groups on the internet (ex. meetup.com). Ask friends or family to watch him once in awhile to get a break, even if the break is just getting a nap for yourself. As far as your son's behaviors go, they all sound pretty normal for a 2 year old. My son's tantrums got so bad in September when I had to return to my teaching job that I thought we were going to have to take him to a child psychologist. But like most things, it was a phase and he is much better now. Stick in there and don't be afraid of asking loved ones for help.

Yes, you can have Postpartum depression for years after your child is born. BUT, first I would have your Thyroid checked out. Go to the doc you feel most comfortable with. For me it was my Obgyn not my primary. Thyroid conditions can come on or rear their ugly heads due to the hormonal changes of pregnancy. That's when mine did. Thyroid problems have VERY similar symptoms to depresssion/anxiety but are treated by an Endocronologist with very different meds. If it's not your thryoids then please get help from a professional. I was first diagnosed with Postpartum but it turned out to be my thryoid. Either way it's a very sad, lonely, scary place. Find a good doctor to help you.....and most importantly to give your child their "mommy" back :). You may also want his thyroid tested because it can run in families. His "tantrums" could be coming from the same thing...the thyroid. Best of luck to you and your son.

not really sure about late postpartum, but i will say that you get out of a situation what you put in. I've noticed with my 18 month old that when i'm short with her or tell her no all the time, she sends that same energy back to me. i've learned than instead of telling her no, i explain in more detail why not or offer an alternative...

children are children and they are born into this world without choice on their part... they learn from us at home first and foremost. i recommend treating him with love and affection. i think the more you put out, the better you may feel. i do anyhow. i feel better when i am patient with my daughter and am sympathetic to her needs without breaking my back of course. i do have to keep in perspective how far i can go before i need to have MY needs met. can i wait till nap or bed time or whenever they are away or pre-occupied with their own toys, etc.

in terms of his eating and sleeping... how concerned are you? does he eat sometimes or only certain things? is he sleeping but very wrestlessly? maybe he needs more mommy time if you two are under alot of stress right now.

trying being creative during his wakeful hours... try to remember what made you happy as a kid... even now-- what do you enjoy doing that he could accompany you on? coloring, painting, walking, shopping (even window), reading. Try to find excitement with each day, with each moment as they are never promised. there is something that you are to give and receive from your situation so i suggest trying to make the best of it.

hope this helps some. best of luck to you both!

and the bi-racial part is beautiful! my daughter is as well and i enjoy having her learn about both aspects of her heritage to whatever degree she can at this point.

i just read your response to us all... not sure where you live, but there are sliding scale counselors/clinics. i know on the westside there is the women's clinic (on pico near roxbury in beverly hills/century city border) that offers counseling... you may want to look into it or even ask them for referrals if it's not convenient for you.

Don't know if you recently stopped breastfeeding but THAT can really throw you for a loop too. Then again, toddlerhood is a real piece of work so that in and of itself can send even the most sane to the asylum ('cause let's face it, even though WE'RE sane, our kids AIN'T!) ;-D

i know exactly how you feel i am the same way. my post partum was very mild. but it never really went away i think and the long i went without help the worse it got. i to thought about how life was before my daughter came. i am not a spanker but i found myself screaming at my daughter and spanking her multiple times a day. i was out of control and not being the mother i should be and it was affecting my daughter. so i made an appointment with my dr to talk about what i was feeling and i told him i thought i was depressed. i also told him that i wanted to start of with a mild treatment to ease my way into getting better because i will know if its not working and i nee a highe pill. he gave me celexa which is VERY mild and a low dose. it works great for me. but itmay not be the right one for you. i would talk with your dr and if possible leave your son with a friend or family member so you are undistracted as possible. since i started my pills my daughter is listening better and im not yelling and spanking as much. im still a work in progress. good luck!

They technically don't call it postpartum this late in the game...postpartum is during the first year only. However, I went through the EXACT same thing. It turned out to be a hormone imbalance. I figured that out after every anti-depressant over a 2 year period failed(my daughter was 4 by then). I wish I would've went to my OB first to check hormones. Anti-depressant meds don't work for this problem...and if they do, it doesn't take it all away. It does get better! For me it was a combination of things: hormone imbalance, 2-year-old issues (tantrums, etc.), Feeling like I didn't have a support system (husband always at work, no friends because we just moved to a new city). Start with seeing your OB and if the doc. thinks your full of it...find a new one until you get the help you need. You are not crazy. The next step is to take a break for yourself for a while. Have a friend or your partner watch your son while you spend an hour doing something else (besides the normal routine). Here is a website that totally helped me: http://www.womentowomen.com
This website helps you realize that you are not alone....that many women have faced the same thing.

P.S.: I have a friend who went through the same thing too. She told me she used natural stuff called "SAM-e". You can buy it at Wal-mart in supplement section.

Hi J.,
I'm sorry to hear about your stress. I've been there. You might have a sever hormone imbalance. You might want to check out a naturalpath in your area to get them balanced out. It's like night and day when you get the hormones to stop moaning. Yes, this can last for a long time after a baby if you don't help get them back in sinc. Find someone to talk to. Life is short, children are a blessing (even if it is hard to see that right no) and always remeber to BREATHE. Take care and be blessed.
K.

Hi, J.,

What you are describing sounds like MOTHERHOOD! My situation is very similar to yours. As a full-time graduate student (in psychology) and a mother of two toddlers, I realize what dealing with toddlers day and night can do to a person.

Coming from a family in the mental health field, I've tried many things to improve my life: psychotherapy, antidepressants, bibliotherapy (reading self-help books), etc. What has helped me the most and has been affordable is mindfulness (meditation). I highly recommend reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's book (Full Catastrophe Living)and listening to Belleruth Naperstek's CDs. Mindfulness has kept me mucher calmer and happier than I would be otherwise.

Best wishes,
Lynne