Miserable in Motherhood

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You live in an area with great Dr's, counselors, hospitals and help available.

I probably live within 15-20 minutes from you. I'm in the North Plano/West Allen area. PM me if you like and I'd love to meet for a cup of coffee, on me, so you get a break and out of the house, even if it's just a few minutes.

Thinking about you and good job for recognizing that you need more help.

You need a care givers support group.
Please find one.
You also should be seeing a doctor and talk to him about depression.
Thinking about suicide is a major red flag - you need some help NOW.

My third has autism along with the ADHD the rest of us have. By far the hardest challenge in my life was helping him learn to help himself. I get your feelings. I don't think those feelings have anything to do with a difference in your level of love for each child, I think it has to do with your brain saying I would function better if I wasn't under so much stress because of this extra challenge.

I think I am right because my son is now 16 and basically as normal as my gene pool can produce. We spent an hour or so last night just talking about school, his frustrations, things he enjoy, it was lovely, like a million conversations I had with my more normal kids.

His doctor said as he matures his neural pathways become more developed. He will learn to control himself. He did, the path started about 9 and by 12 it was who the heck is this kid??!! But 6 to 9 was so hard!

Never give up! never surrender!! Sorry, bit of a nerd here. You can make it through. You will notice the times between stressful periods will get bigger and bigger until you hit a point where he loses his mind and it actually surprises you because it hasn't happened in so long.

ooh girlfriend!! You need to see your doctor, not just counselors. It truly sounds like you have postpartum depression that has gone untreated.

I can tell you that you are NOT a failure. PLEASE get that thought OUT of your head!!

Parenting is hard. Parenting special needs kids is even harder. I can't imagine the stress you have to endure on a daily basis. Do you EVER get "ME" time?? Do you ever get to have a "date" with your husband so you two can connect as partners and lovers and not just "parents"???

Do you have ANY help during the day? Do you have ANY friends that can come over and just BE with you??

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I hope you go to your doctor and get some help! I think counselors are great! I think they can help you - but what I believe you need? Is to be thoroughly checked out and see if you need anti-depressants?

Have I dreamed of leaving? Yep. I feel guilty about it.

Have I thought of just taking off and taking one of my kids with me? no. Not really. Especially now that they are teenagers!! LOL!!

Please print this out and take this to your doctor. Get help! There has to be resources for you to be able to get.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you. You are NOT alone.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!

Parenthood can be so hard! And, it sounds like you have developed depression after your third child was born, on top of everything else. You say that you saw two counselors. Have you also talked to your doctor or a psychiatrist? If you are diagnosed with depression, you may need a medication to help you. Therapists cannot prescribe, so you should be seeing a doctor in addition to the therapist.

Please please get more help from professionals. Tell the doctor everything you wrote here. Depression can change how you see everything in your life - your kids, your husband, your marriage. Admitting you have an illness is NOT the same as being a failure.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, this sucks.

No further advice, just wish I could come hang with you for awhile.

Hope you can give yourself a break already.

Sending positive thoughts your way, and strength.

:)

I should mention I've been where you are myself. I sat on the examining table at the docs office and cried like a baby, felt so pathetic. She put me on Zoloft which started working in less than 2 weeks. In a month, I was my old self, rolling up my sleeves and making the best of everything. Was on the Zoloft for about 6 months, went off it without a glitch and have never found myself sunk that low since. You can do it!

You need individual counseling and you and your DH need couples counseling. You are not the first or last person to need extra support like that. I think that this would be beneficial to all of you. You did not say how old your last child is, but you could have undiagnosed post partum depression, even well after the birth. Please be honest with your counselors about how you feel (like wanting to drive into a tree) so that you can get the right treatments. Men can also get it, so if you are both feeling depressed, it can really mess up your household.

You are not a failure. You just need some help. I think your plan to consider medication is a good one. Hang in there.

Oh R., I'm so sorry. Please keep seeing the counselors and also go see a doctor, because it sounds like you have clinical depression. It really sounds like it's time for some meds.

Once you get your depression under control, you will see your family in a new light. Don't delay on this.

We are here for you and keep us posted.

Parenting a special needs child is HARD. I have struggled with depression before having just one special needs child, so I can only imagine what your world is like with two. I saw something recently that parents of special needs children show the same symptoms of PTSD patients. And it's no secret that parents with special needs kids face a very high divorce rate. It's extremely stressful on the entire family.

Definitely seek out help for yourself. I went on antidepressants and felt like a million bucks when I did. It got me back on my feet again and feeling like I could handle our son again. My husband and I have also talked with our son's therapist on our own before to learn life coping skills for ourselves.

Also look into support groups for families dealing with the conditions you're facing each day. We went to the national conference for families coping with ADHD and I felt so empowered when we came back. It was such a good feeling to know we weren't alone and the concerns and awful times shared by others were so relatable. If you look on Facebook, you should be able to find support groups there, too. You'll find so many others experiencing the same exhaustion and frustrations.

You aren't alone!

Your honesty has probably just helped so many moms :-).
Thank you for taking a risk and being so honest.

((hugs))

You are not alone.

Glad you are going to take steps to take care of yourself.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are not a failure. Acknowledging your feelings, recognizing you need help, and reaching out for it are huge steps in the right direction. Please continue going to counseling - two visits in one week is not enough. Keep going. And do take TF Plano up on her offer to have coffee. I bet if you get out even for just an hour or two with an understanding, compassionate friend as TF always seems to be, could make a huge difference in how you feel. We ALL care about you and are here to offer support when you need it. Hang in there. It will get better.

I think you are exhausted and at the end of your rope!!

I think all of us who have no family or outside help are always exhausted and on the edge of keeping it together sometimes.

IF you were just considering running away...permanently or for just a while I wouldn't be so concerned. BUT it is the comment about suicide or hurting yourself with driving into the tree that made all my red flags come out flying!!

I do think a lot of us think about just walking away or running away sometimes. Life with children (and mine are typical) can take you to your breaking point.

You are not alone!! You do need more help that you are getting. Maybe you think your husband should help more...I don't know...but get back to those counselors!!

You saw two...pick one who you like best and get back in to see them asap. And discuss these feelings...are they just random thoughts that you would never follow through on? OR are you really feeling like you want to end it all?

Either way keep going to counseling!! Sometimes when you first start to address an issue in counseling it gets worse before it gets better as you sort through all the feelings and emotions.

Big hugs to you!! Get back into see someone...being a mom is hard!! You can do it though with some support...

You are over the hardest hurdle--realizing you need help AND asking for it!
Now find it.
•You're seeing a counselor, please continue. A few visits won't magically "fix" things but if you do the work, it WILL help!
•You might have PPD. Talk to your doc about that.
•Get a support system in place. That could be a friend, support group, online website for Q&A,
•get some "me" time! It's essential for ALL moms! Sometimes a movie or a coffee & bagel can feeli like a mini vacation, so PLEASE carve out some time for yourself during the week.
•Forget being "super mom" cause no O. is!
Best!

oh, sweetie.
damn.
please hang in there. please work with the best of your counselors. please take medication. please don't drive into a tree.
i don't know how to help you, but i'm praying for you.
:( khairete
S.

You haven't received any backlash just support and that's so good to hear. I can't understand how you feel, not having a husband or three kids (I have one), but I do understand those feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I take antidepressants and not embarrassed to say so. I don't feel any of us deserve to live or feel a certain way, but I do think we're all worthy of being happy being at peace and having joy. You're sadly missing out on that and I'm so sorry. The good news is there are ways to pull yourself out of this black hole, you just have to find te strength to do so. It's beyond crucial you speak to a doctor or pysch. They know what they're doing, they've seen it before and they can and want to help you. It can be life changing and life saving. I have certainly wanted to do something crazy before, honestly, but dang, that is something your kids DON'T deserve. Don't take their only mama from them. Please save their mom before it's too late....and it's not too late believe me. You're reaching out, so now reach out to somebody who can actually help you. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad honey I'm sayin this bc it's so important. Please know you're not alone. You're in a rainy season right now but the sun is just around the corner ok. Hang in there sweetie.

Hugs to you. I give you credit for having the courage to admit this. I'm sorry you felt you would create a backlash - no decent person would criticize you for voicing these feelings. If you get any negative responses, ignore them - don't even read to the end of the post!

It's a myth that we're supposed to love every aspect of motherhood. And loving our children is very different from feeling up to the task of managing them all the time, especially if they have a chronic illness or a disability. These are huge stressors and things that aren't always supported by our larger community or family. It's relentless.

I was diagnosed with depression a few years after my child was born, but I learned that I had been suffering from it for decades. The stress of motherhood (and maybe the hormones too) exacerbated it. I got help for it, and it was a relief to learn that I wasn't a defective human being or lacking in some basic nurturing components. I too wanted to run away.

I did have a supportive husband, and I think it would help you if your husband could get on board (perhaps in talking with one of the counselors) so he understands that you aren't "just in a bad mood" or whatever. I wound up working out a few days "off" per month with my husband - I wanted to get out of the house during the week (not just on weekends when everyone else was out there). We scheduled them a little bit around his schedule, but once they were on the calendar, they stayed there. I was helped by just knowing I would have my own time, when I wouldn't be called for anything (not planning a meal, not letting someone know where to find something, blah blah). Originally I did errands and such, and then I said, "Wait, this is supposed to be MY time!" So I did things like go to movies, take myself out to lunch, try on clothes, browse for fun things, and so on - ME time.

But that's just an example - do what works for you. I commend you for seeking counseling - if you want to pick the counselor you feel the best connection with, great. Stick with it. You started to get a better handle on things, but then you had a set-back. That happens. Be sure that your counseling isn't just devoted to finding answers to your parenting stresses - those books can help, but be sure to take time for YOU the woman, YOU the person, and not just YOU the mother or wife.

So - you are NOT a failure. You are going through a tough time. You've given voice to it, you've sought help from counselors, you've sought support from Mamapedia. Its not going to be an overnight turnaround, but you have taken the first steps in a journey. You should be proud of yourself. If it's necessary (and it probably is) to get your husband involved, please do so. It's important that no one blame or shame anyone here. It's not entirely your problem though - if you have a problem, he does too. And maybe some things he does or says are having an effect on your problem.

I was able to beat my depression with counseling, the use of medication for some time (weaned off them now), and with things like exercise and nutritional supplementation. But it's not just a simple thing like "go take a walk" or "join a gym" or "take a vitamin." Those things don't work alone, and they can be overwhelmingly difficult steps when you're already so incapacitated that you just want to run away. Sometimes for me, getting to counseling and sorting the mail were the only successes of the day. Sometimes I measured in terms of what didn't happen - "Okay, my kid is alive and halfway fed, and the house isn't on fire. It's a good day."

Give yourself those gifts. You deserve them. Let me know if it would help to chat privately as well.

I don't think people understand how difficult it is to have a child with special needs, psychiatric conditions or learning disorders. It is frustrating, draining and often depressing. Of course you love them, but the stress takes it's toll. Getting support and help for yourself and trying to put yourself first is very important. I have a daughter with severe anxiety. It adds a tremendous amount of stress daily. It's hard on our marriage, hard on my son, hard on my sanity. But, I do what I have to do to manage my stress level in order to help her. If I'm tired and overworked I need to give myself time to do things that make me feel okay about the rest of my life..even if she's out of control. That's what helps me. Medication should help greatly too. Friends help. My husband helps often too, when we learn to work together and not against each other when things get heated by my daughters episodes. I know how hard it is. Hang in there and put yourself at the top of the list. The kids will be fine while you focus on yourself a little more. To hell with the schedule, their issues, their homework, etc. Just take care of you as much as you can.

2 things:

1. You need some therapy - get to talking and I can almost guarantee you you'll feel better. Even a little better will help, right? And perhaps a bit of meds. It doesn't have to be forever. It's important to know that.

2. A close friend of mine wasn't sure if she wanted kids. Then had one. All was great and she decided to have another. She told me that I should be happy that I only had one. That she loved her little #2 child but if she had to do it all again, she'd have stayed at one. I think it took a lot of courage for her to say that. And I think it took a lot of courage to tell your own story.

Sending you strength and peace. I can only imagine how hard your circumstances are. <<hugs>>

Great advice below. Get help Mama! You need support and some medications to help you think clearly. Things will get better, hang in there!!

Please please please check with your local social services offices and ask about respite care benefits for parents of children with disabilities. We get respite care benefits for our grand kids because they also set aside a whole budget for that in Oklahoma. It used to come through OASIS but now it's just through an office in DHS somewhere.

We get a certain dollar amount that we have to use in a 3 month period. We determine who we pay, how much we pay, and when we use the funds.

I worked on Wednesday evenings and we needed a babysitter for our grandson. Our granddaughter was with me but the boy would run crazy and he couldn't come hang out. So we paid a baby sitter $20 for 4 hours of care. She signed our sheet and put her pay information on it then we'd mail it in. She'd get a check for the amount in a week or so of the state getting it.

We could also pay her once per month after she had worked. That way she got a bigger amount all at once. That helped her to pay a bill.

We had to use the money in the time period though or it would be gone when we got our next amount. It didn't build up over time.

This program was started to help families that had disabled children so they could get a break from their kids. Not to say they need a break from the kids but everyone needs grown up time.

The money could be used for a weekend away, casual babysitting, child care if they would accept the way the program paid them, etc...it was very helpful.

It sounds like you could use some respite care.

A new study just came out in German about how having children makes you miserable. As the book All Joy but No Fun captures, parenthood is no fun!

I am so sorry that you feel so awful. I have days when I think about getting in the car and driving away, but they are rare. Most days I feel so grateful for my life.

I wish we could have more honest discussions about the negative feelings parents have. I have days when I feel so done with my children, I just wish they'd go away and I could get back to my quiet life of reading books. I think it's normal for a lot of us to feel spent, exhausted, etc.

Self-care is so important. you say you feel lonely. I'd work on this. I'd work on building meaningful and enriching relationships that can feed your soul and replenish you for your children and husband.

good for you for seeking out help. Continue doing so, and hang in there. Parenthood doesn't have to be a sentence of misery.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I THANK you for posting this as I often want to leave with just my youngest. I wish I had an answer for you but, I'm in the same boat. I will go on to read the other answers given and I wish you luck and send you hugs.