Involving Yourself in Your Grown Children's Lives?

I would just call my daughter to catch up. Call her and tell her you love and miss her. Tell her what's going on in your life, and see if she reciprocates. If she tells you something that alarms you, ask her if she wants your opinion or advice. If she says "no", zip it!
But, one of my favorite things about being an adult daughter is talking to my mother and former mother-in-law as a friend. I can take or leave their opinions and advice, but I've become so much closer with them being able to share.

The woman wants you to call HER, right? Not your daughter?
I wouldn't make any assumptions about this woman or jump to the conclusion that she is gossiping, which it sounds like you're doing. I would do the courteous thing and call her. If she's calling to tell you that she is concerned about your daughter, that is not gossip. She is doing you a favor, or thinks so. She could be calling about something else, but you won't know until you call her! If she is concerned about your daughter for some reason, thank her for her concern and give your daughter a call. You are right, your daughter is an adult living her own life, and you don't need to call your daughter and confront her about whatever it is, if there is some cause for concern. However, just giving a call to chat if this is a time where she needs support, is appropriate! I wouldn't call and say "Pat told me that you and Rob have been fighting/you've been laid off/etc, why didn't you tell me about it?" and you are right, you don't need to "manage" their lives but I'm sure she'd appreciate the support of her mom if she is having a hard time.
Good luck!

I would not assume it is gossip. If it is you can tell her, your promise to your children and nip it in the bud.

. This may be important info. We cannot put our heads in the sand. But we can respect our grown children and be concerned. Find out and decide if it is something you need to know. If you have an idea and it turns out to be correct, just thank her and tell her you will respect your daughter and trust her enough to tell you on her own.

This is a person that is physically closer to your daughter than anyone else. In case of an emergency or good news, you do not want to cut off this person.

I would call my daughter and tell her "I'm very proud of the woman you've become and I respect most of the choices you've made. I hope you know that I'm here to listen if there's anything you want to talk about." Hopefully your daughter will take you up on your offer and confide in you. If it's something serious, send the other mother a message thanking her for the heads up. If it's not, just tell her you prefer to hear any news directly from your daughter, but you're happy she reached out to you. You and she basically have an "in-laws" type relationship, even though your kids are not married. And since she's closer, she's probably more in tune with the details of their lives. Her reaching out to you is actually a good thing - she obviously trusts you and welcomes your involvement in HER son's life. Cultivating that relationship will be beneficial to both you and your daughter (especially if marriage is in their future). It will start as "gossiping" about your kids, because for now that's all you have in common, but may possibly become a true friendship later on. There's nothing wrong with discussing your children with each other - if what's going on right now is dramatic, there's nothing wrong with talking about it. Just make sure it's the facts you're talking about, not rumors. If she wants to play the "what if" game, just tell her "well, let's figure out what's really happening before we jump to conclusions." and change the subject. Good luck!

I get what your saying, however I don't think we ever stop being mom's. I would do the FB message and feel it out. If it turns into gossip then I would cut her at the chase, however if it is pure concern then there is nothing wrong with hearing her out. I wouldn't just assume she is calling to gossip. I do not consider myself overly involved in my kids lives, but my children (25 and 21) still come to my husband and I for advice. Sometimes it is work related, college related, relationship related. I do not think that is interfering I think it is being a parent and staying connected. Good luck!!

You shouldn't risk blowing off the only adult you know that is closest to your daughter. Although you and your daughter have a close relationship there is always that chance that she may feel to ashamed or embarrassed to come to you about something. If it is "gossip" then let the other mother know the agreement you have with your daughter.

My daughter is 20 & off to college. She thought I was checking up on her by going into her email account. I emailed her back saying that I have raised her to be a good person & too respect herself & not to do anything that would compromise her dignity etc. I told her, with all that, I don't need to check up on her or keep tabs on her. Because I laid the foundation for her to make the right choices in HER life. And reminded her she can come to me about anything good or bad.

So you are right in not wanting "gossip" but you also don't want to push the mother away either. If I were the other mother & got a message like you proposed I would throw away all contact info & just think oh well I tried to let her know about ....

Yeah definitely call your daughter and see how she is doing. Definitely send a FB message to inlaw. Stay politcal dont mention gossip. Say sorry I've been busy and I know you have been trying to get a hold of me is everything ok?

There's involvement and interference. It sounds like you're doing a great job at not interfering, which is really what your promise was about. Since they talk to you about alost everyting, you ARE involved. I'd call the woman, just to be safe, to keep a relationship with someone who actually lives close - that's a good connection to have. You can always find a way out of the conversation if it turns into gossip. :)

I also have a 19 year old and I feel that she can take care of herself pretty well. If you feel that your daughter may be in an abusive relationship then I can only suggest that you be supportive and lift her up. You don't need to address the relationship just show her how wonderful life can be. Take her out and do lots of mother-daughter things. Teach her self-esteem because at this age she makes the decisions. They are not kids and do not need to be scolded but she can make better decisions if she feels empowered. My daughter had two abusive relationships in high school and I knew that if I gave her a strong foundation to make the important decisions then she would. She did and everything turned out for the better. As for contacting the other mother I think I would contact her just to tell her that they are grown up now and can make their own decisions. I can guarantee you that your daughter will be the problem in the other mother's eyes. It will only take time for your daughter to realize that she does not want to deal with a meddling mother since she was not raised this way. Just tell the other mother that you do not feel comfortable gossiping about the kids. I can just tell you from personal experience that I was in an abusive relationship when I was about 35 and I felt like I needed the love of family to pull through. I never got it and the relationship went on longer than it should have and I got out because of my children. A strong support system can make all the difference!

I have grown children too and I would just call your daughter and ask "why do you think so & so's mom would want to talk to me?" "Is there anything going on that I can help with?". Since you have a good relationship with her and talk often she should feel comfortable enough to tell you if it is something you need to know about. Then fb the mom and tell her you already spoke to your daughter - but thanks for her concern.

It's my opinion that your daughter's boyfriends' mother is trying to get in touch with you for a reason. Why the big deal on calling her? Is it really 'gossiping' when you two talk about your children? Maybe she wants to get your daughter something as a gift, or talk about them getting married, or maybe they are doing something that seems like (to her) that they need parental guidance.

I understand that you are set in your ways, but I do not think that means turning your back the other way when someone wants to discuss your children.

I'd call her and see what she has to say. If it is just gossiping, then tell her that you appreciate her concern, but your daughter is a grown woman and you'd rather not meddle in her business unless she asks/ wants you to.

I'm not sure what she means by 'dealing' with them. But if it were my child, I'd be on the phone first thing just to see what she is talking about!

Good luck!

Listen. Call the woman and listen to her. You don't have to do it behind your girls' back. Tell the woman that you will be mentioning to your kids that you've spoken with her. Then let your girls know this woman is concerned. You don't have to say more than that-just say that she is concerned about whatever she's concerned about. By listening to this woman you aren't betraying your kids and you don't have to act on anything she says. Perhaps you'll even help her just by listening. Good luck.

I'm responding to your What Happened. Kudos to you for being an involved but not interfering Mom. I agree with the way you handled this by calling yur daughter. I want to add this suggestion. If I were the other mother I would appreciate a call or an e-mail from you saying that you'd talked with your daughter. Otherwise she's still tense hoping for a phone call.

Do you know her? If not, and you have the energy/inclination to be a fellow mother-in-law sort, I suggest calling so that you do get to know her a bit; not to become friends but to know who she is and how she reacts to situations. This would be a good way to share your philosophy of involvement without interference and set the tone for further communication.

I have 5 grown children and understand your position. I have tried to do the same thing. I would call the Mother to see what she has to say, as you said, it could be something serious. If it is just gossip, then you need to tell the Mother that you feel it is something they need to work out themselves. Beware of the Mother asking you to be her voice to the kids. She may want to tell you about a situation and then ask you to be the voice for her to them. Do not fall into this trap. Stay out of the situation or voice your own opinion.

So let me get this straight, you have controlled every aspect of your children's lives since they were born. You never taught them how to make a decision on their own. You never allowed them to learn these skills but his family has raised a mama's boy?

You refer to listening to his mother discuss an issue she sees as gossiping, and her email for help a 911 call. Drama queen much?

So now your daughter had a fight or whatever since you seem to use childish terms instead of stating what is actually going on, and now she doesn't know how to handle it. So she left it to him which is most likely frustrating to him so he discussed it with his mom. He has probably never seen anything like your idea of child rearing.

You idea that she may be in an abusive relationship has possibilities. She has never been taught to control herself so she will seek out a mate that will control her. Most abusers have no problem controlling their victim.

You either need to edit your what happened so we actually understand the situation, in other words take out all your drama, or find yourself a nice therapist to help you deal and encourage your daughter to do the same.

Sorry this is not the advice you want to hear. Good luck with everything.

Bottom line is - she is your daughter! Being a parent does not stop because she is over 18 yrs old!!! Just because you are calling her boyfriends mother doesn't mean its going to be just gossiping. If you don't believe what she is telling you - then talk to your daughter about it. You can still have opinions and influence over your daughter as an adult.