Invite the 'Bad Influence' Child over for a Playdate?

We had the same problem last year - the boy wasn't exactly a "bad influence" but when he and my son were together it was always trouble.

So - I waited out hte school year - let them play together - and very discreetly requested that they be in different classes the next year.

Worked great - they never hung out over the summer, started the school year up in different classes - and that was that.

Good luck

I'd use this opportunity to have an honest conversation with my child about how to pick friends. I would not have the other boy over for a playdate, and I'd tell my son why. He's old enough to know that he has a choice in friends and that you don't approve of this one.

He wouldn't be welcome at our home. And explaining to your son why is a good idea. Tell your son "we don't use those kind of words in our house.."
Your son will understand.

After reading your post:

Why on earth would you invite this kid over?

You are the parent. You think this kid is a 'bad influence'. One of the difficult parts of parenting is being the big "NO", but if you don't, you are sending your son a very mixed message: "It's okay to play with the kid who behaves this way." It will seem that you are condoning or encouraging the relationship.

Think of this as one small step down a larger path you will walk your whole life with your son. WE as parents have to step up, be the bad guy sometimes and say "I love you enough for you to be mad at me, so I'm going to say 'no' because this isn't a good thing.I can live with you being mad at me more than I can live with myself if I don't say 'no' and let you think this is okay."

Most boys are rough and tumble and curious.

No, I would not invite that boy over. You do not have to.

Now, besides saying no, you tell your son why.
He is 9.
He is old enough to know the truth. This is a life lesson. Do it now before he is in middle school.

Per my kids, I never sugar coat things. Since they were 2 years old, I have ALWAYS talked with them and have taught them about how to "discern" people/kids/situations, and how to choose friends. What is a good friend and what is not. So that now at their ages of 5 and 9... they understand and know... how to "choose" friends and not just be followers. And they know how to be themselves and to speak up too. If other kids are being "bad." They are very good, at choosing friends now.

The thing is to teach a child how to discern these things... so that as they get older, they know how. And because, as they get older, more "bad" influences comes up. I always explain my stream of thoughts, in these things and the why's, to my kids. So that they too, will attain "how" to think too, about social situations and about other kids or influences.

Most teachers as well, know which kids are bad influences. To keep a child "friends only in school" and not in play dates, is, incongruous.
If that were me, I would talk to my child about it. And the whole situation.
By way of association as well, with a kid like that... your child can also be or get into trouble. At school. I tell my kids that.

There are times, when a Teacher will separate 2 kids. Because of a parental request or because, the mix of the children is not good. I work at my kids' school, and have seen this happen. The Teacher will inform the adults who help at the school. BUT, sometimes 2 kids will just not listen... and they will still play together. So that scenario happens too.

The thing is: your son is 9... and it is time to talk with him, honestly and openly, about the why's of social situations like this and about "influences" that abound. He has to learn... and be taught... the skills and aptitude... about how to "choose" friends. How to choose friends. And the repercussions of it good and bad.

So you are judging this boy based only on what your son tells you, is that right? I am APPALLED at the number of people jumping to conclusions and advising you not to have this boy over. Have you witnessed any of this behavior yourself?
If you son likes this boy then of COURSE you should have him over. Observe him for yourself. If he's rude or inappropriate make it clear that that type of language/behavior is not allowed in your house. After a few play dates (and after meeting his parents) you will have a better idea about whether or not this is a friendship you want to encourage or discourage.

No play date. That gives your son an unspoken signal that you think Travis is OK for him to play with. Saying "It's OK to play with him here but not at school" is a very mixed signal.

I wouldn't even try to explain too much because that only will make your son focus more on and think more about Travis, whose tough-guy act is apparently pretty attractive to you son (as it probably is to lots of other boys at the school, too; don't worry, it's not unusual for the loud, bratty one to be the leader of the pack and attract the "good" kids). You don't want your son to expend any more thought on Travis, right?

I would set up play dates and plenty of them -- with other kids whom you know do not behave like Travis. Eventually the novelty of the swear words and attitude will wear off. Make play dates with other friends so interesting that if your son is now asking for play dates with Travis, your boy will forget to do so after a while because he's having fun with other kids.

The school year is nearly over, which will help you. He won't see Travis over the summer and that likely will break the spell.

Some schools allow parents to write letters indicating children with whom they do not want their own child placed the next year; maybe you can do that to try to ensure that Travis and your son arent' in the same classroom in the fall.

I would start asking him some basic questions.... What is a good friend? How do we pick friends? Why do you stay friends with someone? What happens when our friends don't act like friends.

Dig deeper.... why does he like THIS boy? Does this boy make him feel included? Does he share? Does he follow the values that your family finds important.

You should do about 15% of the talking. In a setting that's not intense... like in the car or when he's helping you set the table.

Ask him. Let him answer. 8 is old enough for him to have these answers..... even if they are on a 8 year old level.

Could take a couple weeks of chatty conversation to get him to realize this boy is not a good choice for him.

The idea is not for you to "ban" this boy. Or accept him or condone his behavior. Or tell your son what is wrong with him.

The idea is for you to guide your SON to make the decision on how to choose his friends. And his girlfriends. Because now that he's in school - and away from you in social settings 6+ hours each day..... you've lost some control. And you know that. You ban this 9 year old.... and don't let your son figure out for himself why this kid is bad.... he'll bring home Megan Fox as a girlfriend faster than it will make your head spin because he's not figured out how to make good decisions about who he associates with.

And I disagree that adults don't have to deal with this..... this kind of behavior IS tolerated in the workplace and it's not so easy to just go find another job. The goal for me as a mom is to teach my daughter how to be successful and make good choices around bad influences. Not just ignore them or go somewhere else.

I would NOT invite the boy over. I would NOT in any way encourage this friendship. You as the mother still have the most sway with your child, the most influence of anyone. At 8 years old, your son is old enough for you to be blunt and tell him that he may not to speak with or be friends with Travis unless they are partnered up for an assignment together. If they do, there will be a consequence for disobeying this rule.

Part of our job is teaching our children who is appropriate to be friends with and who is a good influence. They can't always make those judgments for themselves and when they resist, the key isn't to give in. This particular issue is too important.

Nope not coming over. I probably wouldn't ban the school thing because you cant' control it and it puts you in a losing position, but your son needs nice friends to play with after school, not MORE time with Travis. Be sure to discipline your son when he immitates Travis in no uncertain terms so he learns not to behave that way around you. 8 is way old enough to understand.

Yet another reason why I love homeschooling . . . to me it is not "real life" to spend all day, every day, 9 months of the year, with people that we'd never have in our lives otherwise. Adults don't do that generally. That kind of behavior would not be tolerated in the work place. And if it was, at least an adult has the option to leave and find another job.

I don't believe in "sheltering" kids, but I also don't believe it's right to have them spend the vast majority of their time around people who can influence them in an extremely negative way.

JMO.

PS: To answer the question, no, I probably would not have this child in my home either. The only exception I might make is to have him over once so that I could personally observe what's going on between the two of them. And that's only if I was going to leave my son in the school.

ETA: from another response, if I'm at work and routinely being exposed to sex talk, vulgarity and profanity - at the very least I am going to go up the chain of command with my complaints, and if that is not successful I AM GOING TO SUE. And then find another job if need be. To me it is way more important to teach children to set boundaries on what they will and will not allow in their lives. In traditional school that is very hard to do.

My experience has been that anything we disapprove of our kids will hang on more tightly to! I was always supportive of all my kids relationships with their peers and did invite them over for playdates at my house. I honestly preferred to have them play where I could supervise them. If the friend said or did something I didn't like, I'd kneel down, look the kid in the eye and say firmly "In this house we don't .... if you do it again I'll have to ask your mom to fetch you / take you home and you can't play here any more." I even did that if the mom was sitting right there!

However, if the dispute was over a favourite toy (for example) I'd favour the guest. "You invited X to come play here so you must share with him / play what he wants to play". Trust me, the attraction can wear off quite quickly!

That was my experience, but each kid is different. Do what you feel is right for your family and everything will turn out for the best. Good luck! :)

I wouldn't invite him over. There are only a few/couple weeks of school left. Just deal with it until then and hope that they don't cross paths as often next year. If it is still an issue then, I would address it further.

I am dealing with the exact situation, except my child is a year younger, and unfortunately i made the choice to do the playdate. i totally regret it- it sets the kids up with expectations for further playdates and they formed a closer bond and are already asking when they can have another one. So now it's more complicated....wouldn't do it.

No, I would not have him over to play, even highly monitored. A kid like that is likely to attract other badly behaved children, and then your son will be hanging out with a whole gaggle of misfits. Put the kibosh on it now, and tell your son that you don't like the way Travis talks and acts and that he is not allowed to hang around with him. Tell him you want him to play with other kids at school and to stay away from Travis. Explain the type of kids you'd like him to play with (no bad language, respectful etc...)

Contrary to some of your other replies, I don't think it's really your job or responsibility to be a good influence on Travis. You shouldn't have to risk your child being affected negatively so that you can parent someone else's kid.

Has anyone called Travis's parents and said "Hey, are you aware that your son uses foul language and talks about sex??? How about you work on getting him to stop doing that".

You know, my son is in third grade and the "words" he now knows would curl his grandmother's hair....

Then there's his best buddy, whose mom is appalled that her son is using the words "fart" and "poop" around his younger sister....really?

Try as we may, by modelling good behavior, not using foul language, it's OUT there....kids are going to hear it. O. ride on a school bus is usually all it takes. (Not saying it's the ideal situation--just reality.)

I think it's more important that YOUR child knows what IS and is NOT appropriate. And what he IS and IS not allowed to say/do/behave.

That said, my son has a class mate that shot a mutual friend in the head with an air soft gun. The "shooter" has invited my kid over. Not happening. That's what I would consider a "dangerous" situation.

Also, be aware that this "bad boy" might just be a convenient scapegoat for your son...I've seen that happen. Not a big fan of labeling a 9 year old as a "bad influence" so I'd want to see WITH MY OWN eyes how Travis speaks/acts/behaves before I decide if he is an unfit friend.

Good luck!

Yep, I would want to keep him close and invite him over and often! Call me a hopeless optimist, but maybe that boy never sees how a family talks to each other and has never had anyone tell him what's not ok to say.
When they play at your house let it be under supervision and guidance - don't just let them hide in his room.
And who knows, maybe if you get to know him a little better you can look past the foul mouth and see some qualities in him that you will appreciate for your son.
I'd at least give it a try.
Good luck.

I would invite him over. You son hears bad word and sees bad behaviior from others I'm sure, not just Travis. Maybe you can use the opportunity to tell him what's appropriate and what isn't. See if maybe YOUR son can be a GOOD influence on him. Now if it ends up he is totally out of control and can't behave appropriately, then you know that he probably shouldn't be friends with him. Good luck.