Interracial Relationship

How disabled is he? Send his bigot butt to a hotel. I would never tolerate or be married to such hate. Tell him to accept the man with an open heart, or be prepared to lose his daughter. (And his wife, if it were me.)

I'm with Bug on this O..
I couldn't tolerate/live with/love a person like that.
Sorry--that's all I got.

He may not "believe" in inter-marrying, but this isn't Santa Claus we're talking about.

If It was me and my hubby (who happens to be black and me white) I would want to stay in a hotel. My reasons are that it's more comfortable and less of a chance of having problems with dad.

Be straight up with her Beaux.

My husband is completely racist and being an idiot. I love you two, so we're going to have to work around him, I won't put up with him treating you both with anything less than you deserve, and I'm CERTAINLY not going to miss out on being a part of your lives. I suggest we hightail it to ________ (pick a vacation destination nearby) for a week and let the persimmon stew at home while we have family time on (the outer banks, B&B on the river, whatever). If he wants to be part of this family, he can pull his head out. Until then, it's the 3 of us.

I know many families that do this, and it became tradition, the bi annual beach trip with Mom (or dad)... That turned into the biannual trip with the grand kids. Sometimes the racist (or homophobic) parent/grandparent changed their ways over the years and started coming along. Sometimes they missed out. But their bigotry didn't stop everyone else from being a family.

I think how you handle it has a lot to do with the personalities involved. Will your husband treat your daughter's boyfriend kindly or would he make things very uncomfortable? Some people feel or say things in private but would never act out in person. Some are very hateful and cruel. Is this more that your husband hasn't had the opportunity to interact with different races and feels uncomfortable or does he have deep seated racism/hatred?

My father always made comments while I was growing up that showed his ignorance when it comes to different races and cultures. He now has African American, Puerto Rican, and Native American grandchildren and Asian nieces whom he loves dearly. People can change if it is due to ignorance and not hatred.

Your husband is an ignorant fool. I would tell him to go to the hotel and expect to lose his daughter if he can't accept it.

I have a friend who is in her 40's, only ever dated black men, but will not get married or tell her dad she is in a relationship because he has the same ignorant way of thinking.

I stopped talking to my mom's mom over the same thing.

So I wonder how your husband would feel about my mixed race children (I am white and my husband is black).

ETA: Wow, I'm astounded by the response that says "I am not a supporter of interracial relationships" And you hope it's not the path your children take? That tells me you would act the same way A.'s husband is if it happened in your family. That's sad. So very, very sad in 2013.

If it were my husband, I'd ask him this:
"Would you like someone to treat your daughter in the way you are proposing to treat someone's son?"

He might very well decide that he would be 'fine' with someone else treating his daughter this way, but you can decide to do what's best for 'the kids', and I think that's where I would focus my efforts. I might be tempted to get them a *really nice suite* at a hotel out of protection for them from my husband's ignorant comments, so they had some 'neutral ground' to return to if things felt uncomfortable.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I have in-laws who feel the same way as your husband, which is hard as my mother's second husband (my adoptive dad) is of a different race and I have a half-sister from that relationship. I've mentioned to them that I wouldn't wish my sister or dad away and that I find the comments hard to hear, but that doesn't change their perception a whit.

I'm so sorry-- Like I said, a NICE hotel stay and let your daughter know that YOU respect her, her ability to make good decisions for herself, and that you respect her relationship. I would let her know that you feel she and her boyfriend deserve better from her father and that, due to old thinking, he's going to need some baby steps if he's ever going to come around, and that just meeting her boyfriend is already going to be HUGE for her dad.

Hopefully, this can be the start of something which can melt your husband's heart a little bit toward your daughter and HER happiness. FWIW, my dad was really upset at the prospect of meeting my husband (due to his own issues with 'the guys my daughters pick') and so we chose to stay elsewhere together and just get together for a movie and lunch. Something simple which didn't push my dad any further out of his comfort zone and which didn't impact me any further (his emotions to deal with, not mine). Now, I'm pretty sure my dad likes my husband more than he likes me. :) All that to say, sometimes space can be a good thing.

ETA: while it's all well and good for those us on the forum to say "I'd leave someone like this"... let me also suggest that this would be FAR more traumatizing to a child-- to have their parents divorce due to a disagreement about who she was dating. I think in this situation, gentle compromise is the effort one would need to make-- to give the person having trouble an opportunity to come around, to change their minds. We all have areas in our relationships where we are truly frustrated by our spouse's way of thinking in some area of life-- I know I have given my husband a couple ultimatums in our time together about some things which might not really bother other people. This just happens to be one we all feel a certain way about and expect everyone to be up to speed with the popular sentiment. For some, this is a huge hurdle-- but do give him the opportunity to 'try'.

My issue would not be what to do with my daughter and her love but how to handle my bigot of a husband. If he has issues with the man then HE could go stay in a hotel while my child and her love stay with me. You need to think ahead, if your husbands hateful views push your daughter away then how often do you think you will get to see her in the future? or your grandchildren? I would put my foot down with my husband and tell him point blank that if he can not act like an open, accepting, civilized human being to this man then HE can go stay with a family member while they visit, and maybe just stay there for good. I would not put up with his intolerant views affecting my relationship with my child for one minute!

A., what do you believe in? What do you believe is the right thing? the correct thing to do here? Do you love and accept your daughter unconditionally, despite your husband's backwards, ignorant, outdated ideas he's forcing on everyone else?

I vote you buy the Movie "42" and watch it together. (from 2013)

Then afterwards, discuss the reality of your husband's position and how it will only cause grief, distance, and strain on his relationship with his daughter and possibly future son-in-law.

It is never too late to change, especially in regards to prejudices and racism. Fortunately, your husband' ignorant gene pool is dying out and the prediction is that it will be totally gone in a few generations.

And personally, I get your husband. I've been wanting to share this story on this site as of just this week, as my family just watched the movie "42"...and it is absolutely outstanding. I grew up with a horribly racist father. He hates everyone: Jews, blacks, fat people, basically anyone not like him: white and protestant.

Once I had a black guy friend come over and visit during high school, and my father kicked him out saying it would devalue our property if he stayed too long. (1975)

Fast forward to when I was an officer the US Army, I had a black girlfriend over for the day, while I was living in Louisiana. Louisiana is a total culture shock from my Southern California roots. The very next day, some white trash redneck person knocked on my front door, someone I never met, nor laid eyes upon, asking me if I had a black person over all day. It freaked me out. They warned me to be careful about such behavior and guests. I slammed the door in their face before telling to leave my home and never come back. (1984)

Fast forward again to this week, while watching the movie "42" my 11 year old Korean-American daughter asked me, "Mom, what is a nigger?" As the coach was yelling disparaging and racists remarks at the famous black baseball player. I thought proudly to myself....I have done it. I have raised a child without prejudice and without even knowing the terms of racial slurs. I felt quite successful in that moment. (2013)

My advice? Stop making excuses for your husband being racist!

You and your are going to have to do some honest talking about this. He maybe looking at his future SIL with hate and discontent which will push your daughter away.

Times have changed but many families cling to the "old ways" of the country. Some are better than others about how they express their feelings. These two men need to have a meeting to clear the air and the express their to each other of the woman they both dearly love.

All your husband can see is the color of the skin and not the content of the brain. I am sorry for your husband.

It would probably be best if and when they do visit for them to stay at a hotel and visit your home during the day. As your husband's attitude will effect the tone of the visit. Maybe it is a good thing they live 900 miles from him and can live their own life together. This is the 21st Century not the 1950s or 60s! Time for dad to get on board the big train.

the other S.

PS My grandson's mother is white and my DIL is white (non practicing Mormon). They are two different women and I get along with both families. My children are military brats and they grew up with all types of American backgrounds. In fact my son's best friends' father sounds like your husband. Son went to Alabama for a week and friend's father fell in love with my son. The father's preconceived conception of blacks was changed and the father still talks about my son and his visit.

Exposure, exposure to the good and not the bad. Off my soapbox now.

I think you have been dragged into this "accepting" of the boyfriend kicking and screaming.
I went back through your posts and your first one says "I am not happy about this but I am willing to accept this if she is happy"
Basically....you are not happy that she is dating this black man, but you are willing to try.
Maybe THAT is why your daughter is distancing herself from you. Because she knows that you are not readily accepting of this great man she found. You grew up in the same era and had the same feelings that your husband does but have been able to possibly put some of your racism aside.
Your husband is not there yet.
Which is super sad. And what's even SADDER to me is that there is a woman on here with TWO flowers saying that SHE wouldn't want her kids to marry outside of her race. Gross lady.
If I were you I would talk with your daughter and her boyfriend. Let them know that you have no issues with him but that your husband does. That you are thrilled that they want to come and visit. That you can't wait to see them. That you love your daughter. And then put them in a hotel. The poor boyfriend shouldn't be subject to your husband's bigotry.
(My grandmother felt the same way. She is 87. Whites with whites, blacks with blacks. Everyone to their own race. She was very verbal about it, in fact emberassingly so. And then I married a Mexican man and had 3 kids with him. She loves my husband. Loves my kids. She has changed her mind. So it IS possible.)

It's just like the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", oh except it's 2013 not 50 YEARS ago.

I have no advice for you since you've been living with his "beliefs" for years and it seems that you have struggled a bit with your own prejudice when it comes to your daughter's choice in a man. At least the cycle has finally been broken as you two have raised a person who doesn't think like that.

I just love the responses saying "I would rather have my kid with someone of a different race that treats them well than someone that is the same race and treats them poorly". Those are the choices?

I have an idea, why don't we support our kids in ALL the healthy relationships they enter into? How about we support love, commitment and positive relationships in all of their forms? Finding a partner who truly loves and respects you is very hard, many people never do. To not accept a person's choice is a rejection of that person, who they are and who they choose to be close to. There are few things in life as clear cut as that.

Seriously? Has your husband been hiding under a rock? This is 2013 -- if your husband is that backward I really don't have any good suggestions.

Tell your husband it's time to start having some experiences with black men, so he can get over his phobia.

Yes, tell him "They will stay here and that's that."

I too, grew up in your husband's era and I don't have your husband's problem, so don't excuse his ignorance due to his age.

It's time to help hubby step out of the 1950's. Have him watch "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner," if he missed it the first time around. Lol.

ETA: Lol Bug -- Yeah, send his bigot butt to a hotel. I think that's an awesome idea. Some perspectives simply don't need to be tolerated.

What I most have issue with is the fact that your husband has a daughter who can't, at 30 years old, even so much as pay her own bills or keep a job, yet he has "issue" with the color of her boyfriend's skin?

Sorry, but seriously.

So if she were dating a white man that beat her, he would welcome that man with open arms because, well, he's white! And that matters!

Disgusting

Look, I am not judging him. The situation is just gross to me. I can appreciate he "came from a time" that interracial marriage was not the norm. Perhaps there was an issue with it as portrayed to him by his own parents. But really, it is quite silly that he cares about the boyfriend but doesn't care that his own daughter is probably looking at a life of bankruptcy and constant job stress because she refuses to get it together.

If they stay at your home, won't it be miserable for them because your husband will make it so? Does this boyfriend know how your husband feels?

Is your husband 90? Serious question. I can't stop picturing some 90-year old, limping man, filled with hatred, mumbling and spewing nastiness as he hobbles around the living room. I really hope he is not that man I picture.....

Ok, so now for the advice. If it were me, I would tell my husband they are coming and if he doesn't treat them EXACTLY the way I want him to, he can go to a hotel. Now, that is because I know my husband would "obey" those orders. If you already know your husband won't, then you have two choices. Either they stay with you and your husband goes elsewhere, or they stay elsehwere.

Just realize you and your husband are setting your daughter up for yet another hard road, that road being divorce, because she doesn't have the familial support she needs for her upcoming marriage. And you sending her money doesn't help, it hinders. I know you cannot control your husband, but you can control you.

And my last note - I would be absolutely sure your husband doesn't dislike this man for "real" reasons and is hiding behind the race issue before you go accusing and demanding things of him. Is this man a jobless, irresponsible adult or is he a hard-working, respectable guy. Those things would matter to me.

Another "alarm" for me would be if she quit contacting you (like you say she does in your previous posts) only after she started dating this man. That would be a sign the relationship is not as healthy as it should be. Or that they are both selfish brats that only call when they want money, not just your daughter. You have to determine which it is. I know that oftentimes when teen or adult children avoid parents, it is because they have emotions going on with them they cannot explain, control or want to share.

I am sorry if my words seem harsh, but when something is serious, I say serious stuff

I know this question gets people riled up, but being horrified by this won't help you. The more you try to confront your husband, the more he will dig his heels in. He's never met this man? He may soften a bit when he realizes it's an actual person- one that loves your daughter and vice versa.

If it were me, I would say "I know you are having a hard time with this, and I get that. But I don't want to lose our daughter over this." Ask him what you can expect from him while they are visiting. If he says anything about refusing to share a meal or talk or whatever, discuss your options. I would say "I understand that you don't wish to associate with him right now, maybe you'd feel better if you stayed at a hotel while they are here?" You're not challenging his beliefs, you're trying to accommodate them.

Just go at it a bit nicer and see what that gets you. Perhaps he's all talk right now, but will be ok once he's around your daughter.

I do agree that bigotry is a terrible thing, and I hope your husband can have a change of heart. But you can't shout it out of him, so I wouldn't try. What you are trying to do is preserve the relationship with your daughter. But I would make sure you are both aware- having this go badly could seriously damage your relationship with her. Good luck, let us know what happens!

Each race has their place? What a sad statement.

My husband is Vietnamese, I am white. If either of my parents had a problem with that I would feel very sorry for them. I would never want to subject my husband to that sort of short-sightedness. I would absolutely NOT have your daughter and her boyfriend stay at your home. It is not fair to put her boyfriend in a situation where you know your husband thinks he is less of a person because of his skin color.

Your husband needs to do some serious soul searching. How unfortunate that at his age he still cannot reach a higher thought process beyond what he already believes.

First, you need to talk to your husband about this. Explain that you love him, but he is being a racist, and you will not tolerate his poor treatment of the person his own daughter loves and is choosing to build a life with. Explain to him that if he cannot overcome his prejudice, he is in _very great danger_ of alienating his daughter, perhaps for the rest of her life. She is an adult, and if he chooses not to treat the person she's making her life with in a fair and decent manner, it's entirely her choice to not have a relationship with her father. No matter how uncomfortable it will be, it needs to be done, with compassion and with patience.

Secondly, you need to let your daughter know about her father's problem. Let her know that you support what ever decision she and her boyfriend want to make, and that you've already had a talk with him about this. Let her be the one to decide whether she wants to stay with you or in a hotel. If needed, perhaps offer to cover or help with the cost of the hotel. Don't let her be blindsided-treat her like an adult and let her know so that she can choose what seems best to her.

I'm white. Hubby is Black. Dad was prejudice when we got together. It was very hard on both of my parents. I got to the point that if my family didn't accept my hubby, then I wasn't going to be around them. Luckily, my parents have come around, but it took a LONG time for them to do it.

Is your daughter aware of your hubby and your feelings? If not, she needs to know. This is not going to be easy for any of you.

You guys do need to decide which is more important to you - the old school beliefs or having a happy daughter who will eventually have grandkids that you may or may not see depending on your views on the world.

Your husband needs to get over himself. Let your daughter and her boyfriend stay with you. Do everything you can to make them feel welcome. I am white and my husband is Filipino. My dad had a hard time with it at first, but he got over it over time. My dad's parents would make horrible racial comments right in front of my husband. I no longer speak to them or refer to them as my grandparents.
Sorry your husband is being so awful about this. Tell him to grow up and get over it.

I think you tell him to get over it and they stay with you. Your H won't change till he has to. When he sees your daughter's bf treat her well, he will change.

Yes, you tell your husband he has no choice. They are staying at your home and he WILL be polite and kind the entire time. He will not talk about race or bring up any differences. He will just enjoy his time with his daughter and get to know her beau. This will help your husband to start realizing that someone with different skin color is a person just like he is. He has no right to tell his daughter who she can and cannot fall in love with.

I think all would be more comfortable with them staying in a nearby hotel. My guess is your hubby's opinions are of no surprise to your daughter and I am sure she doesn't want her SO to feel ill at ease during their visit. I would tell hubby that since they can't stay at your home, in consideration for him, you will be paying for a hotel room for them during their visit.

As for the visit itself, is he going to visit with them too? or is he going to be an a$$ while they are there? Will he agree to have lunch with them (either at a restaurant or at your home)?

Your hubby is going to need to decide if his prejudice is more important than his relationship with his daughter...only he can decide this for himself. What about if they have children? How will he treat the grandkids? Will he expect his daughter to visit alone? only with the kids? as a family? or not at all?

My best friend is black. I am white. We've been friends since kindergarten and are "aunt" to each other's children but neither of us are "supporters" of interracial couples; however, we don't presume to be the deciding factor for other people. I have friends that are interracial couples but I hope that isn't the path my children choose. If it is, I will still judge them only one their character and not their race...I would rather have them with someone of a different race that treats them well than someone that is the same race and treats them poorly.

How disgusting and sad at the same time. He will only succeed in driving away his daughter and losing out on probably getting to know a good person too. Good for you raising a daughter that can see past the color lines when her father is a racist.

I think Riley J has the right idea. The Outer Banks are lovely and uncrowded at this time of year (as long as there's not a hurricane on the way). Go somewhere lovely together, and leave he who will not be moved at home. And do be upfront with your daughter and her partner about why your husband is not there. Your husband's behavior doesn't deserve excuse-making or polite cover.

If this were my husband, I'd tell him that either he treat this man with respect, or he could leave my house. I know those are strong words, but I would mean every word of them. I know a little bit of your situation because there is a member of my side of the family who did the same thing and she not only married him, but had a baby. The parents had a bit of a hard time, but were VERY respectful and welcoming. They learned to look past the difference in color. And that's the way it should be.

Either you are going to stand up to your husband and demand that he zip his lip with his racial attitudes and treat your daughter and her significant other respectfully or he can leave your house and miss seeing his daughter, OR you're going to let him walk all over all of you. Which one will it be?

All of your questions have been about your adult daughter and how you can better instruct her on what to do. It's time to cut the cord.

As for the visit - she's an adult and should stay in a hotel. Tell her it's b/c dad is disabled.

One part of me thinks you should stand your ground and have your daughter and her SO at your house notwithstanding your husband's position. However, if your husband is going to make the home tension-filled while they are there, they may WANT to stay at a hotel and just get together with you during the days and for dinner out. So, I think you need to consider the ambiance in the home in deciding what you should do.

Honestly, I would be pitching a fit if my husband behaved like that, but I would get them a hotel room nearby for their comfort.

I think your husband needs to realize that it's 2013 and he needs to stop thinking that a black person is any different than anyone else. This is your daughter you're talking about - he needs to accept whoever she is with (as long as he is a good person, treats her well, etc) and it shouldn't matter one bit what color his skin is. Seriously, it's ridiculous that he's unwilling to eat with a black man. Maybe he grew up in an era where every race has their place, but those days are long gone and he needs to get over himself.

Tell your husband that your daughter and her boyfriend are welcome to stay with you any time and that HE can stay in a hotel if he doesn't like it.

I am white and my husband is Chinese. About 25-30% of my kids' friends are also from interracial marriages (most are white/Asian, but some involve one partner that is black or Latino). It's so common where we are that no one looks at us twice or thinks it's weird. If they do bring it up, it's usually to remark at how funny it is that all our kids look the same because they're all half and half.

I realize things are different in different parts of the country, but that doesn't make it right. Yes, you live more in the south vs southern CA like I do, but it shouldn't matter where you are. People are People, right? Also, I've been to Reston many times. It's a great community and everyone I met who lives there is very progressive and accepting.

Once again, tell your husband he's being a racist jerk and to get over himself. And that's saying it nicely.

Are you certain that it's not about the fact that they're not married? Your husband needs to get over himself and choose either his daughter or his racism.