Integrating into New Family with Children

Your kids blame him (and you) and you want to figure out how to integrate him into their lives? Yikes. I would just say "don't." You can always get another guy, but you'll never get those two kids back if you continue to mess with their lives.

I'm sure you feel like you love him and want to be with him. But I think the most important thing right now is to heal from the divorce and concentrate on your kids. I hate to sound so harsh, but my sister just went through the same scenario you're describing -- her kids were a little older. However, they still blame her and the guy, and her son is now out on his own and isn't speaking to her, and her daughter barely has anything to do with her. She has the guy but she lost her kids. Don't let that happen to you.

Get your kids and yourself to counseling to help them through all these troubles. I promise you, you'll live with regret every day of your life if you don't put them first.

i would not have them meet him until things have cooled down. my mom left my dad for another man, which she dated b4 my dad(we all knew his name and who he was) she left my dad after 16years of marriage for him (which she denies) but my dad and i know it for fact with the phone calls and such. i was 16 when she left i hated her and blamed him(he left his wife too) for completely ruining my life and dad's.
she never lived with him even though he lived literally 3 apts down the way, she provided me a home and a stable enviroment(most importantly) worried about me took care of me FIRST always and ASKED me several times if i would like to meet him, i always said no(which i know killed her) one day she asked again if he could come over for a dinner or breakfast one day we all had a meal and that is what started our wonderful relationship today. he loves me like a daughter and i am so glad my mother is happy and properous with her husband. but that took years.
and also when my dad met his now wife did a similair situation of asking if i would like to be included in dinners and such with his wife and the same thing happened i enjoy her very much and have a good relationship with her.

my advice keep him outta their lives for now. you enjoy your life with him, and your life with your children you do not need to combine now they will resent you and him which you may never be able to mend. good luck its all very hard for everyone.

Hi J.,

Take it very slow....children who hold resentment against someone as the cause of their parents breakup, can be the "kiss of death" for a new relationship. (In your case a re-kindled relationship).

I suggest continue to date and enjoy each other. I would not bring him home to meet the kids for a while. Wait and see how it goes for a few months. Some times a new romance can end as quickly as it began. If you still feel the same in July, introduce him to your kids and have a great 4th of July celebration.

By that time perhaps their dad will be dating again and things will be easier for you and Mr. Wonderful! Your kids will be more supportive and less threatened and angry.

Blessings....

PS...I married a man who had custody of two kids (boy and girl), I had a boy all the kids were about the same age. It was not a good situation and ended in divorce. The girl had some serious problems. The boys got along very well. My former husband would not discipline either of his children, but was verbally abusive to my son.

Blending families is not a easy task.

Counseling. Seriously... if your kids blame him, they're certainly not going to welcome him with open arms and will probably end up hating you if you force him on them. I'm sure you're ready to start this new chapter of your life (I would be too), but take it slow. You've got to work through the issues that your kids are having before you bring this guy into their lives.

I hope you're able to help your kids with their fear/concerns/hate (get outside help! really!) so that you can move towards the new family you want to build with your man.

I think your husband is probably correct, at least for him anyways, and perhaps you share a bit of denial in that you focused energy on rekindling this relationship in which his name was already known among your family instead of your marriage. It sounds reasonable that your children/ex would have resentment. I would not introduce this new man to your children.... not for a very long time. It sounds like some family counseling is in order.

I agree with Bobbi. The divorce is a raw wound in your kids' lives. Your kids should come first and then integrating this guy. Kids should always be priority, IF your guy pushes it then he isn't a good guy (not that he is pushing it, just saying if he does those are red flags).

I would say take it very slowly. If you've only recently divorced, feelings are going to be very intense right now for your family and especially your children. They are both too old to hide things from, but they don't need to know all the details. But they do need to know that THEY are your first priority and that they can always trust and talk to you. I understand that you are happy and excited to be reconnecting with your old love, but your first priority for long term happiness and trust for your ENTIRE family needs to be reassuring your kids.

After my divorce when my son was 4, I started dating a man who had no kids. We took things very slowly, and he gradually built up a friendship with my son. Now my son is 11 and we are a family- I got remarried a year ago, we all live in the same house and I can absolutely say that the success of our family is because of my husband carefully building up trust and a good relationship with my son.

But it took a long time and it will take longer for your man because your kids are older. Always be honest with them- YOU may be ready for your kids to meet your man, but ask yourself are THEY ready? Whatever reasons you had for leaving their dad (and I am not at all saying you didn't have good ones) you have to remember that he is still their father and they are going to feel loyalty to them (no matter what kind of dad he is) and feel nervous and uncertain about what this huge change means for their lives.

ALL of that is without even dealing with the idea that you already have a new boyfriend! My absolute, best advice for you is DON'T PUSH A RELATIONSHIP between your man and your kids. It will backfire on you. Give them time to adjust to their new life, then SLOWLY introduce your new boyfriend. Trust is a two-way street- it is going to take time for everyone to get to know each other and even longer to build a solid relationship between him and your kids.
Good luck - think of your ENTIRE family, not just your romantic relationship. You and your man can date and reconnect on the weekends when your kids are with their dad for now. Spend your time with them first, then introduce your boyfriend slowly. Good luck!

A few weeks ago I hear a pastor say to give your kids time after divorce to introduce someone new. You may have left the marriage long ago emotionally (still there physically), but the kids didn't. It makes so much sense. I separated for three months from my husband and the kids were terribly hurt. I didn't understand why until I heard that, but I had already mentally separated myself from him. Thankfully we are back together now.

You can date and enjoy each other without rushing into anything. I'm 31 years old and still don't like the woman my Dad "left us for" when I was 10. I'm old enough to know there were problems before she came along though.

Your ex is hurt and uses the kids, as bad as it is that is what happens in divorce.

I also don't believe you fall out of love, love is a choice.

Good luck and just love those kids! This guy could be the love of your life or he may just be temporary as you said he gave you the strength to leave.

It sounds as though your feelings for this man did have something to do with your divorce even if you had already "fallen out of love" with your husband. What may be happening with you has been happening more and more since sites like Facebook have been reuniting exciting (sometimes deceptively nostalgic) old relationships and feelings in the midst of what is often the monotony of marriage and real life.

I do not speak out of hostility or self righteousness, but I am compelled to attempt to answer your question honestly and straightforwardly with the information you have provided. It really sounds as though you may have been thinking of yourself and what you perceive will make you happy more than you were/are thinking about your husband, children and what is right and honorable in general. Most marriages go through seasons when the love isn't tangible, especially if both parties don't work hard at preserving intimacy; and to divorce over that, especially just as this other guy enters the picture does give the appearance that your relationship with him had a hand in sealing the deal, so to speak, in ending your marriage. So I would expect your children and husband to be profoundly wounded and for you to carry a deep sense of guilt simply because if all of this is in fact as it seems, you may have very well chosen this selfishly for the reasons already mentioned at the expense of your family; and those just tend to be the consequences of these kinds of actions.

There is always hope, restoration and healing that is possible for your family but you may find that building a "happily ever after" over these ruins of your own device may not work out as well as you'd hoped.

Hoping for healing for you and your family in this difficult time.

Not sure if the kids will ever be able to stomach him but I know they're too young right now. This is almost the same thing my parents went through. My stepfather moved in when I was 12 and we argued ALL the time until he & my mom had to seperate (I was 20). Maybe you should keep him away from the kids for as long as you can. A divorce is bigger for them then it is for us. It defines who they are right now.. I would wait at least until the oldest is off to college.. Another factor, sounds like the divorce was your idea. So they already have feelings against you & feel you disconnected the family.

No suggestions here, but I wish I had the courage to do what you are doing. My marriage has been so very unhappy for so long (17 years), and I didn't realize how miserable I was until I saw my husband making our child unhappy by treating her the way he treated me--with coldness, contempt, and little patience or quality time. Now that I've said I am through and want out, he's suddenly doing all those things he absolutely "couldn't" do before, like getting home from work at a reasonable hour, eating dinner at the table with us instead of sitting in front of the TV to watch his news programs or military history documentaries (nothing family friendly that we might all enjoy), helping with the dishes, even taking our daughter to the park to play on weekends instead of parking her in front of the TV and griping at her to be quiet. From being unable to get her dressed or do even the slightest tasks to take care of our daughter and himself, he is suddenly able to at least pick up a take-out pizza and help her get to dance class on time and in the proper attire. Funny how it wasn't worth his time or effort for the first 16 and a half years of our marriage, and how my complaining about his lack of time and attention and consideration was just me being bitchy. Yeesh.

With all of that as background, believe me, if any man at all showed up being nice to me, much less someone with whom I had happy memories, I would have a hard time not responding. So I wish you the best, I hope you can work through the bitterness with your children, and I guess I'd agree with everyone who says to take it slow when trying to integrate your new man into your children's lives. They do have to be your first priority, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to be happy. If you were on your fourth marriage, I'd say you're being selfish, but it sounds like you gave the marriage a good try.

Good luck to you and your family.

I would say you need to cool it and give it a couple years before you try to introduce ANYBODY into their lives. Kids need a lot of time to heal from a broken marriage. It affects them more than you know. If you've been told otherwise, you were lied to.

Spend time with this guy on the weekends you don't have your kids. But don't bring him around. Two years minimum. If he pushes it, then he's not any good. Your kids can't handle this right now. They need counseling, and they need you to focus on them, not some random guy.

And speaking from experience, personally, I can almost say for sure that your kids will NEVER like or accept this guy into their lives.