Insecurity About Son's Attachment with In-laws Around

its always hard for first moms my daughter-inlw has a 2yeaaraold whom her mother baby sits vincent loves them all and me to when we get a chance to visit relax if you feel like it give him an extra hug its good growthfor a child to be able to reach out good luck ive rraised 4 and now have 7 grand children A. no. hills

A.,

This does not sound weird...at least to me! I live with my parents and have since he was 2 months old. So, I used to struggle with HOW much he was bonded to my Mom over me...since, she would help me with feedings and naps once I started working part-time. But, I talked with my Mom about it and we made some agreements about our situation and how it would work best for everyone.

I sat down and made a list of concerns, and so did my Mom. And we agreed that my Mom and Dad would follow my parenting plan so, that I would remain the parent and they would then, defer to Mommy as the boss. Sounds silly when I think about it now, but I've seen this kind of situation get very blurred. NO giving in to sweets or things that I wouldn't normally let my son do...that one is the tough one for the grandparents.

The best thing to do is talk to your hubby and ask him how you should best approach this, but do it together. You don't have to give them Rules to follow, but just inform them of your parenting style, discipline choices, feeding preferences and things like that.

For me, I also made sure that I made special time for me and my son on the weekends (and still do). My Mom always makes sure my son calls me whenever he wants and I call him on my breaks at work. Also, my Mom will give my son and I time once I'm home...she'll go read a book or watch a show. It's really important that ALL the adults respect each other and that your in-laws understand who your husband and you run your house and like/want things done.

It has truly been a blessing having my Mom and Dad around, and I'm so happy with the bond that my son has with them. Now that he is older he sits and talks with them and reads with them and it makes me SO proud to see the love they ALL have for each other.

Don't stress, it will work out if you all work together. Just be patient and loving and work with your whole family through this transition and all will go smoothly!

You've gotten some really great responses: special time for just the two of you, sticking to your schedule and, if necessary, talking with them about your rules if you feel lines are being crossed.

I hope you don't take the comments from others about you being "selfish" to heart. I think it shows a lot of strength to voice your concerns. This site should be a safe place, where you can be open and honest. Look at all the positive advice you've gotten from posting this.

Emotions are never selfish.. actions are. Your action of coming to this site is completely unselfish. I think it's a wise person who confronts their feelings openly rather than shutting them down.

All the very best.

I feel as long as you put your child #1 they will put you #1 but if you begin to run errands or put alot of the reponsibilty on the caregiver because they are there or you are paying for it then your child will love the person that wants to be with them. So if your child becomes #2 to your busy schedule besides work or the easier part of doing things without them then you will be #2. As a child care provider I see many sad children when the parents do their own thing or don't keep them when they are off or come get them when there work day is done and see the other parents keep kids home when they are off or do not pick up until closing time those are the ones that cry and don't want to go home but the others love me and being here but if given a choice parents win hands down the way it's suppose to be. Best of luck to you and your child.

No don't feel weird about it... I think a lot of women/Moms can fleetingly feel this way, amidst their "Mother-In-Laws" presence... and their umbrella of a presence over their own child/baby.

Even Men can feel this way... for example: when we had our first child, my Hubby felt the same as you. And his feelings were founded, because my Mom "can" be a real overbearing/attached Grandma, even if she does not mean to. So, we've had to have discussions with her about it... because she was even "over-riding" my Hubby's and my "parenting" over our own child, ie: HER first Grandchild.

But, no matter what, YOU are your child's Mom. YOU need to make yourself present....visually and emotionally for your child, IN FRONT OF your MIL. Instead of being a "shrinking violet" around your baby, while in front of her. DO NOT be "insecure" about it... or your parenting style while she is around. Have a calm-quiet-gracious-confidence about it....

MOST Grandmas... will have the common sense NOT to "take over" the baby, when they are around... out of pure respect for YOU, the Mom. There DOES need to be boundaries however, if your MIL is the type that likes to take "control" over everything or is a "meddler."

SO... talk about it fully WITH YOUR HUSBAND. You BOTH have to be a "team" about it... and a united front about it, while the In-Laws are staying with you. Sure, it's nice they will then be able to babysit for you.... but, still, YOU are the parent. And like you are with your Nanny... you will NEED to brief your MIL about all the "do's" and "dont's" and 'rules" and your preferences when it comes to your child. Right? Do not just leave it up to your MIL/Grandma. SHE will have to "learn" about the ways and the rules about your child... and your/Hubby's way of living style.

Now, if it were me... I would keep your Nanny on... at least part time. If you do not... and then after your In-Laws leave... your Nanny might not be available for you anymore & you may lose her. She may by then have another job, or otherwise... as you know, the job market now is VERY competitive. So head's up if you want to KEEP your Nanny. Its not always easy to find another one. Don't take a Nanny for granted.
AND... your Nanny can be your MAIN go-to person, for your child or in informing you of anything... that you might not otherwise know. So even if the In-Laws will be around... it would be handy to have your Nanny... THEN YOUR SON WILL STILL HAVE HIS ROUTINE. Which to me is important. ALSO, AFTER the In-Laws leave... then that way you will have less of a headache to "transition" your son BACK into his routine, again. The more consistent you can keep it, the best. In the long run, for your son.. .and if you still have your Nanny around, then your son will not have to "miss her" or have to get used to having a Nanny all over again.
To me, having your sons life changed around or his schedule changed ONLY when the in-laws are here... then changed back to a Nanny again, might not be easy for him. And he will miss his Grandma too. So lots for your son to deal with too. That's why- keep it consistent, for him. AND keep his nap times and bedtimes the SAME, even when the in-laws are there. Or, you will regret it later, and your son's whole routine/schedule will need to be re-done after the undoing. Which is not always easy.

*Next, I would make sure that your In-Laws don't mind "babysitting" all day & everyday. Have you asked them first? I mean they will be staying with you for a long time. Maybe they want to relax too. So, I would make sure, you KNOW what their plans are. Babysitting a toddler all day & everyday, for some senior-citizens, can be tiring. And, you want to make sure they are able bodied and healthy and "able" to watch an active toddler. And are safe and know safety precautions.

To me... it's not your child/you that has to "give up" anything or any routines, just because the in-laws are coming over... because any gracious "guest" will realize that everyone has their lifestyle responsibilities to STILL keep up, whether or not they are visiting.

And, before the In-Laws come over... you have a nice discussion with your son about it. For example: because my Mom was so overbearing (she's much better now)... and controlling over my daughter.... we explained to our girl that Mommy & Daddy are her "parents"... WE decide things for her and we are the one's that give permission or not for things. We explained that even Grandma has to ask our permission first, for anything important. Thus, a child gains understanding of the whole parental "totem-pole."

Anyway, it should be fine. But what I"ve learned when you have extended-stay visitors in your home... you do NOT have to relinquish ANY of your Parental styles/values or daily routines... because the visitors are the ones who have to be flexible about it... they certainly can't expect a family to go AWOL on their own household or child's routines, especially when they are staying for so long. It's just common courtesy.

Al the best... your feelings are normal... don't worry. Just be present in your son's life as you always are now. You don't have to give up yourself or your son, just because the In-Laws/Grandma will be visiting your for a long time.

Take care,
Susan

Good Morning A., your son is probably more attached to the Nanny than your in-law, because she's the one he's around the most. If you cut your Nanny's hours, then the time he misses with the Nanny will be replaced with grandma, me personally I would have ratherd my children be attached to grandma than a Nanny. Children bond with who ever spends the most time with them, I'm a daycare provider, and I spend all day with other peoples children, they have all bonded with me, love me, and sometimes don't want to go home. I have a 3 year old that sometimes tells her mom I can't go home with you, I have to stay with my J.. You mentioned your life is busy, but if that means someone else is with your child more than you are, then you may want to make some changes, I'm only saying this because you seem very woried about your son bonding more with grandma than with you. Grandma's play a very important and special role in a child's life, it's diffrent than the role that mom and dad have. I would not worry to much, but a Nanny, a Daycare provider and or a full time babysitter, does all the things for a child that mommy does, the bond there will be greater. J. L.

Dear A.:

The first three respondents really gave you good advice regarding maintaining mutal respect and proper boundaries. Excellent advice.

I'd like to address what you asked about love. I worked part-time when my children were babies and my parents-in-law took care of them. Although they were super elderly, they LOVED to have the babies and took wonderful care of them. It turned out that my daughter became extremely close to my mother-in-law and my son became very close to my father-in-law. The result? I couldn't be happier. My children learned to be gentle and thoughtful people from these two wise, experienced and loving souls. It brought my husband and me joy to see the older and the younger ones enjoy such kindness and companionship. Yet, whenever I'd come home, the children would jump up and down and hug and love on me and whenever I had to leave, I knew I was leaving my peaceful and secure children in a situation which gave them NO anxiety.

A., babies know who their mamas are and they love them no matter what! Remember, love multiplies, it doesn't divide, so the fact that your son may love Grandma and Grandpa will never diminish Baby's affection for you.

My in-laws have since died and we all miss them terribly. But I see their beautiful, loving attitudes every time I look at my children. We are all richer for the brief, precious time we had together. A., this time will be a blessing for all of you, too! Be at peace and enjoy it!

Best wishes,

M.

Yes, I had those feelings before. Don't worry. You will find that your in laws being around is actually a wonderful thing. Your baby knows who Mommy is, and will at times cry for you.( Caregivers don't always tell you this because they either think it's no big deal or they don't want you to worry, or to think that the child is not in good care.

My Son is now 5 years of age, but he tells me that he used to cry for me came lunch time at school and all feeding times away from me, because he wanted to eat with me.(Child care never told me of this.

My Son has a good relationship with my family and in laws, too, because I allowed the bond of family members to be strong at a really early age ( Infancy). I know that he's mine and he knows who his Mommy is and no one can take away that special place in his heart no matter how much they are liked by him. I would often ask did you have a good day? do you like (so-n-so) That way he knew that his involvement in the in laws was cared about and my doing.

Don't worry if he takes a strong liking, you have nothing to lose, really. it's when he is in the care of someone that he doesn't like that should worried be about.

If I were you I would not worry about it. Do not make an issue of it so that it becomes something for others to think about.

To me it seems sort of selfish to think the way you do. No one can replace you in your son's eyes, and if you have had a nanny all this time an she is not your competition why should your in laws be?

Relax and let your son build a loving and firm relationship with his grandparents. You will not be ousted and yuou will not regret this.

I completely understand how you're feeling. My inlaws just spent 4 months with us (and have done so every year since my 3yr old was born, but this was the longest visit), and it's tough. I tend to be very possessive of him when they are around, which is completely irrational I know, but he's my baby. I would try as hard as you can to hold on to your routine with your son. For instance, for us, even tough his grandparents were here, we did not take him out of preschool (just 3 days a week), so we were sticklers about bedtime and always made sure that the bed, bath, and storytime was with Mom and Dad. I still kept playdates with our friends and was ok with taking him out alone so that our one on one time was special.

Now that his grandparents are back in India, he talks about them and remembers them, but he's no less in loves with his mom and dad, in fact, the the first week or so, he was SO clingy and loving because he was so happy to have our little family unit all to himself again ;)

Dear A.,

I can understand your concern, however, your relationship with your child and his relationship with his grandmother (or nanny, or anyone else) cannot be compared. You will always be Mom and no matter how much time Grandma spends with him, she will never be able to fill your shoes.

Let go of the comparison between your relationships and trust the relationship you share with him. When Grandma comes to town, be grateful that your son can enjoy that relationship (not every child is so lucky) and, instead of using your energy to worry about the situation, allow for what is and focus on your son. This is all a good thing. Recognize that and be grateful for it.

Be well,
G. B.

My 19 month old son LOVES my mom. He asks for her all the time and usually when she is around I am chopped liver. At first it bothered be and then I realized that him having such a strong connection with someone else is healthy for him. He is still very attached to me and I cherish being able to see the connection between my mom and son as she is an amazing lady. I think as mom's its heartbreaking to think of our child loving anyone as much or more than they love us but when it comes down to it, no one can replace a loving mother. I find that as long as I keep up on our regular mommy/son activities that our bond continues to grow stronger and my son loving my mom is just a bonus! Please do share your feeling with your in-laws as I am sure that the last thing that they will want is to make you feel uncomfortable or jealous with regards to your son. Be grateful that your son has so many loving people in his life. It will all work out fine.

"WHEN YOU BECOME A PARENT, YOU CEASE TO BE THE PICTURE, BUT MERELY BECOME THE FRAME." This famous quote could not have summed it up better about what it means to become a parent. Think about it like this- it is not about you! It is about what is best for your children! (And by the way, this will not be the only time you will have to put your own feelings aside and think about what is best for your child.)

I am sorry, but it sounds to me that you are being a little selfish. My children have bonded with all of their grand parents, and honestly, when the grandparents are around, yes, my little ones don't seem to pay as much attention to me. BUT IT IS NOT ABOUT ME! And yes, this hurts my feelings a little bit, but what you have to realize is that nobody can replace you (the mother).

As parents, we will not be around forever. Don’t you want your children to forge healthy relationships with friends and other family members? Or do you want a whiny, clingy, co-dependent kid? Can you imagine your child growing up to be like Ray Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond?! LOL

I have a 1-year-old boy myself, and I know that it can be difficult to “cut the apron strings” so to speak, but the whole point of raising children is to teach them to become independent. In the end, we want them to grow up to be good citizens and independent adults. Let your child get to know his grandparents. (How would you feel if you were the grandparent and someone secretly didn’t want you to bond with your grandchild?) Grandparent have a special place in a child’s life. They get to spoil the kids rotten and then send them home to us hopped up on sugar!

Oh, and since grandma is coming to visit, you have a babysitter! A FREE babysitter that you can trust! Enjoy a date night, or several date nights, with your husband!

Didn't you know that loves multiplies?
Don't worry, kids need grandparents and your little boy is so lucky to have quality time with his. You may have seen something you didn't like, but I have seen in our family and many others the wonderful bond that kids can make with their grandparents if they are lucky enough to have them.
I wish I had had the grandparent time my kids had.
The memories will last a lifetime for your child, but the grandparents won't.
B. v. O.

First of all I think it is wonderful that you can be so open and honest about your feelings. Because let's face it...... we all have them! We want our special bundles of love to love us the best and we get twinges when we think their affections might be leading them somewhere else.

This is one of the many and special challenges of motherhood. What we want vs. what is best for our child. It is these very challenges that make us grow as women into the amazing beings we become... mothers!

I know and understand the twinges and concerns you are having. At the end of the day I tell myself this. The more love my child gets from the more people the better for them. The more they learn how to forge loving relationships with the people around them the more nurturing and loving their environment and world will feel. This can only be good right? When all is said and done I AM THE MOTHER and nothing can change that and your child knows this too. Just know that twenty years down the line your child will have benefited for having had these loving relationships in his life but he will still come to you as the central force in his life. Until he finds a wife that is!

I wish you all the very best of luck. I know it can be difficult to feel as though you might be displaced. Just know that when you do what is best for your child and keep the paths of love open you will all be much happier for it!

Dearest A.,
I would be more concerned about the nanny that is around him for many hours daily instead of you in his little life.
Under normal circumstances a child will ALWAYS be closer to his mom more than ANYONE else.

6 months isn't going to make or break your relationship, especially if you have a strong bond. If your nanny is the one he depends on now it could be easier to transfer love to a family member like your mother-in-law who is loving and spends lots of time with him. Even if your nanny is the most loving human on the planet a child wants family closeness. He can tell the difference, believe me.

A dear friend just put her daughter in preschool. She called me sobbing! Now she wishes she had been more available when her daughter was younger instead of using a nanny.

It seems like forever when your child is young but believe me it is just a short, short sweet time you have at this age, When it is gone...it is gone forever.

Don't worry, it is not too late! Just make time with your son your biggest priority for a couple of more years. I promise you won't regret it.....ever!

The hardest part about being a mom is not to be seduced into YOU being the priority not your child. Every regret I personally have as a mom comes from that.

My wonderboy is 19 now and I am soooooooo glad I spend so much time with him as a young child. Our relationship still is AWESOME!!!!

Bright Blessings,
D.

are they going to be living with you? or just near you? your in laws sound pretty good. mine are over bearing when it comes to my daughter and they try to over rule me which has caused nemerous issues. but this is how i look at it. just because they are comming why sacrifice your sons nanny? maybe a few days a week tell him/her that your inlaws are going to come and take your son to the park and that she wont be needed after they pick him up. if they are going to be living with you are you worried that there will be issues between them and your sons nanny? if so just remind them that hes getting the best care and that its your choice for having a nanny care for him when your at work. i think the best thing to do is lay the rules out with your inlaws about your son. tell them how you prefer to have him disaplined weather or not he gets a cup/bottle for bed what foods hes not to have etc and also go over any medical problems your son has (ie asthma allergies (both food and environmental)). my inlaws (whom we lived with) were caring but they often seemed to forget who my daughters parents were. they tried left and right to do what they pleased with my daughter. i had to harshly put my foot down and so did my husband. then when my daughter was 10 months old she got diagnosed with asthma and i was told to keep her away from smoke (my fil smokes). so i had my hubby ask his mom to talk to his dad about wearing a smoking jacket or to change his shirt after smoking and if he didnt he wasnt to handle my daughter (she would wheeze after hed hold her). my mil got mad over it and needless to say my daughter and i moved out of the house. we argued back and fourth because my inlaws would demand to see my daughter stating that its their right and what not and i flat out told them that its my choice not theirs and when i want to let my daughter see them she will. my inlaws have no alone time with my daughter and are always supervised with her because they dont listen and respect mine and my hubbys wishes with our daughter. they miss out on a lot because they chose not to respect their boundaries and roles and grandparents. try try try your best not to let this happen and lay the rules out the week they get there! good luck!

If you already have a good relationship with your son, I doubt that your son's attachment to you will be affected by having his grandparents assume caregiving. What I am concerned with is the removal of his nanny. He has very likely formed bonds with her, and if she disappears from his life, he may feel abandoned. Even if you cut her hours, please allow them some time together. Also, the grandmother may find caring for a toddler exhausting, best wait and see how it goes before making decisions.

My son, his wife, and my grandson live with us. My grandson has strong loving relationships with us all, but his parents are his preferred choice at all times. My husband and I are very careful not to over-step; we defer to them in matters pertaining to him, because he is their child, not ours. That keeps the peace and helps our grandson know his place in the family. That is not to say that we don't discuss behaviors, family policys, or rules for the house, because we do in an honest and open way. On a whole, there is a lot of respect and kindness in our home and lots of people loving this precious little boy that we have been blessed with.

I hope that your son's grandparents do form a strong bond with him. Please don't worry, your son can and will love you all of his life, no matter how many others he has in his heart.

You didn't mention if you would be home as well or if you are working...but in my experience, kids want their MOMMY!
I have 2 nephews around the same age as your son, and Grandma & Grandpa watch them as well as one goes to daycare 5 days a week. Both kids light up as soon as they see their moms! They pull themselves away from whoever is holding them to run and jump on mom. My sis-in-law who works full time and has my nephew in daycare all week from 7am-5:30pm often drops him off atleast for 5-6 hours on Saturdays (she is in a dysfunctional marriage & has some mental illness) and doesn't always acknowledge her son when she returns and yet all he wants is to be in her arms. I think at times, it hurts my mother in laws feelings :) Please put your insecurities aside and try to enjoy the bonding that your son will have with his grandparents. It won't be forever and he can never have too much love. Just make sure you spend some quality alone time with him too. Good luck, and hang in there!

Hi A.,

I have always had similar feelings about my children. I want them to know mom is #1. I think as long as you continue to spend lots of time with your son and your in-laws follow and reinforce your schedule and rules, it should be fine. You say you are planning on cutting or letting go of your nanny. Is it because your in-laws are going to take over or you assume they are? You wrote that you were going to be gone. I'm assuming for a job. You need to continue that connection with your son...whether waking up early to spend some time before leaving for work, spending time at night after or calling in the middle of the day to check up. Hope this helps.

I have a few thoughts I could share. I always put myself in someone elses place, especially when it involves relatives. It is stressful for them to visit so long, but not knowing the circumstance, it seems inevitable? If you are the one to say goodnight to him and tuck him in, if you are also the first one he sees welcoming him awake, and bathing him (or Nanny), he'll remember you at the important times. You will always be "Mommy" and this is his role for you. The others, Grandparents can have a place in his heart too, and they need this relation, sort of a reward for bringing up their son. This will be their test also, so see if they respect you and your husbands roles as his parents. It's an opportuinty for you to grow in patience, and maturity, and I'd go to my husband when it's time to confront regarding any mishandling of "power", so he can speak to them to straighten out rough spots. This little guy is also a part of them, and they can do many things that are wonderful and helpful to you. I've been married for 30 years, and my In-Laws have plenty of room in my children's hearts, and as time went by, they have plenty of room in mine. I have one cousin who wasn't allowed to spend much time with our Grandmother, and at her funeral, when many of us were recalling our wonderful relations with her when we were children, he wasn't able to and expressed his sadness about missing out on that. Take care, Good Luck.

Arptia,

I loved my grandmother so much and I can imagine my mother had some bitter feelings about this, but absolutely nothing will replace my mother.

My little girl has a wonderful relationship with her grandfather (FIL), well I tolerate him as best possible. I can't stop that relationship, nor do I want to. I love the fact that she loves him...it makes her so happy and she looks up to him so much.

Great advice from all! Your feelings are completely normal. All moms want to be the most important in they're kids lifes. But remember they are only staying 6 months and they need to create a great close bond so that when they do leave your son will hold them dear to his heart and always remember them.

Make special things for just you and him that will help him to know this is mom and I's special thing we do. With kids this young it can be really simple and cheap. Like going to the yogart shop once a week and getting sprinkles on it. Or to the park where just the 2 of you play together. Or dipping oreo's in milk together. Reading books before bed, or tickle lovey dovey time to just talk about his day. It's funny how this one on one time really puts you in a special spot with them. It's just your guyses thing. And let in-laws know that when you return home you want to spend 1/2 hour or 1 hour with him without them. It's nothing personal towards them you simply miss this baby and need to feel him with love from you and need to feel up your heart with him. Let them know that they can take a walk, go shopping or go in another room and give you this time with him.

I use to take my son to work. I worked from home but once a week we went to the office to pick up things I needed and give them the stuff they needed back. This only toke 1 to 2 hours then we would go to the beach (because it was right their)or sometimes the park, then to McDonalds and home again. My son still tells me that he misses that time we had just me and him. He loved that he didn't have to share me with anyone else, and it was our thing. Kids love lovey dovey time. Where you are kissing them and hugging them and they know how much you love them because you are all there's for the moment.

You will absolutely love this time with him. Don't stop this special time with him when the next child comes your way, they need to know that your not replacing them and you still have time for them. Make sure grandparents know your do's and don'ts, and that if your home you are the disiplining ones not them. Good luck with the in-laws. J.