Inlaws Are Sick They Dont Really Want the Kids and I to visit.would You Visit ?

Went thru the same things. We would go even though it was 1 hr and 15 minute trip. We made the visit short and sweet. Then I made it a point to
do something special with the kids. The visit was hard for them. So I would
keep visiting even though the visits are tough. When you MIL is gone you
will be glad you did the visits. Sorry you have to go thru this.

Okay:

Your In-Law is terminally ill.
They are old.
They are not well.
It is very taxing.

My Dad, before he died, was very ill. Home-bound. He also had had a stroke. My Mom was always stressed. We ALL took care of him. It took me/my Hubby/my Mom.. to care for him. That is 3 people. It taxed ALL of us. It was at home and driving him around to appointments and Dialysis appointments and everyday caring for him. Feeding, medicines, bathing, etc.
Very tiring.
It is not like, we were in the mood, to entertain people. Nor happy to rush around getting the home cleaned up and food prepared for any guests. It is very... STRESSFUL.

So, I can see how your In-laws, feel.
They have SAID, they don't want, visitors.
They are being, open.

Speaking for myself: IF someone, relatives, insisted on coming over and spending a length of time at our home, with their kids, WHILE we had told them we prefer no visitors and cannot handle multiple visitors with kids, and only in small amounts... and IF those relatives STILL insisted on coming over and did so. I would be, SO irked!
Because, they were, blatantly disregarding, our/my family's/my late Dad's wishes.
We, did not like being intruded upon, in our own home, with my Dad ill and not well and us fatigued and stressed from the daily care-taking of my Dad.
And we were all very busy, doing so.

Your Husband, needs to understand this.
His parents, have said, their wishes.

Sure, you can visit. But go according to THEM.
You can explain to your kids, that they are old/not well, etc. But they are very loved. Try making things with your kids, FOR them. So they gain a sense of empathy, for their ill/elder grandparents.

YES, they should WANT you to visit. And especially with kids, around.

Sick/ill elderly... also need to sleep, and rest a lot. They do NOT have the energy, to even breathe, sometimes or even stay awake.

Gosh, I can really relate, to their wishes.

I hope your Husband, can too. One day.
And not take it personally, that as his Wife, you are not listening to him or disagree.
Or, HE should be the one, to go and visit HIS parents, WITH the kids. Since those are 'his' wishes.

Next: How come your Husband's parents, have no care-takers for them, in their home???? They need one. A Home health aide at the least. They cannot manage, on their own. It is their health and it is not safe.
Your Husband and/or his siblings, need to get their Parents some help. It is also, a safety issue.

Your MIL, has Dementia.
People like this, NEED TO BE supervised.
It is very dangerous, for them and others. They are unpredictable.
Her Dementia is from her illness.
They need care-takers at their home. Daily,
Professional care-takers.

I would respect their wishes and visit rarely (once a month?) and make sure to keep it short with the kids there. It sounds like a stressful situation. (((hugs)))

Oh what a tricky situation! I feel bad for your husband because it's probably hard on him that his parents are in such poor health and he really, really wants them to have family around them, and probably worries that they are lonely.
You are sweet to want to respect their wishes and I think you are doing all you can.
I hope it gets easier for all involved! Take heart and know that your inlaws know that they are loved by you guys!

It sounds like your husband is the one that needs to go visit....seriously.

It sounds a bit like your husband is feeling guilty about not visiting his own parents more often, and is wishing for you and the kids to go as his proxy. That's not good for him, his parents, you, or your kids.

I know when I'm under the weather, I absolutely hate it when friendly folks just stop by. It creates stress that I have to pretend doesn't exist. What you anbd the kids might do is drop an occasional card or drawing telling them you're thinking of them, and perhaps keep in touch by phone. Make sure your FIL knows you'll happily visit whenever he invites you.

Your DH is the one that should be taking the kids to see them at this point-not you.

They do indeed WANT their family to visit. But they know they can't handle much and your father in law very likely worries that having kids around will upset his wife, who clearly is suffering. Please don't be too sensitive about "shouldn't they want us to visit?" Your mother in law is dying, and your father in law must handle her illness and her outbursts. Imagine how upsetting this is for him, rather than focusing on what seem to be your own hurt feelings that "they don't want us." They are from a generation that is embarrassed by illness and doesn't want their adult kids (or daughters-in-law) to see them ill or unable to run their own lives. If they seem like they don't want you there, it's likelier that they do actually want you --they just don't want you to "see them this way." Think of it from their perspective.

Yes, your husband is the one they really want the most. Whatever his work situation is, it's time for him to tell the boss, I need more time off on a regular basis, and then he needs to get in the car, without you and the kids, and see his parents. As often as he can. Period. Tell him to check out whether the Family and Medical Leave Act can apply to him, which would require his boss to give him certain time off to help his parents. They will be gone soon and he will regret letting work or anything else get in the way of seeing them more in these last years. I know this from sad experience. It's tragic that he's telling YOU to visit on a more regular basis when he is the adult child. I think he may be saying, I want the kids to see them before it's too late, but he needs to be taking the kids sometimes, not leaving that to you alone, and he must see his parents without you or the kids more often.

Sounds very sad. Schedule a weekly or bimonthly visit with your husband on a weekend when he's off. Don't know how old the boys are but can they help you do a few things to assist them a little? And your husband could mow the grass or whatever, and y'all could have lunch together and go home?I'd go WITH him so he could see what's happening and the dynamic for the visits for himself.

If they are ill, I can understand not wanting visitors.

However, this is a time for your husband to step up and visit his parents more often. I hope you can explain this to him and he can see your perspective. The ailing parents are not comfortable with the children and their level of activity, which is understandable. Your children are perceptive and getting those social messages of discomfort,which leads them not to want to visit. No one here is wrong. Cancer can be terribly painful. They might just find it 'too much'. Your husband is their son and the person they need to see most. End of life visits can be draining and sad, but he needs to go.

I think you all should schedule visits all together. Stay for a few minutes then you and the boys go to a park a library, somewhere while your husband visits longer with his parents.

My best friend has cancer right now, she is exhausted, weak, and in terrible pain. Many times, I just go and do some housework and sit next to her while she rests.

If your FIL needs a break, this is also a good time for him to maybe join you with the boys at a park and your husband can stay and care for his mother for a while..

Have your husband make these arrangements with his own parents.

.

How often does your husband visit? He is their son, so I would think he would need to be there more than you do. With everything they have going on, I think frequent visits would be too much for them, unless you're helping out around the house when you are there.

I think it would be best to sit down with your husband and explain your feelings regarding this issue and the fact that his parents are not in the best of health to have frequent visits. It may be a good idea to plan visits with your husband and do something for them while you are there. You could have the kids help you with whatever you choose to do (clean, cook, mow grass, laundry, etc.) and then spend a little time chatting/catching up, etc. and then leave.

It is extremely difficult to face this at any age and it is an uncomfortable situation for all involved, but it would be extremely sad for his parents and your family to avoid each other because of everything if the desire for visits is still there on both sides.

If it gets to the point where it is too much, you will know and so will they...but until that's been said, attempts should be made to see them every so often because it seems like they may not be here for that much longer.

I got to a place where it was too much for me to deal with my grandmother's dimentia and I stopped calling (I live 12 hours from where I grew up). The last memory I have is her telling me she loved me as we hung up and I do not regret that. I didn't see her on her worst days and I don't have many memories of strange and absurd phone chats which some of my other family members do and wish they didn't. Sometimes it does get to be too much and you have to decide when that is. My grandmother passed about 2 weeks after that conversation and the last 2 weeks were absolute hell on those who were there. I admire their perserverance in wanting to be there for her, but I do not regret saving myself from the pain of being called names and told things that my grandmother didn't really know she was saying. I also don't regret that my last memory is an I love you.......

Just my two cents......

I think maybe your husband wants you to visit more often because his parents are elderly and sick, and you have more opportunity to check in on them. I really think it's more about checking in on them and making sure that they're all right and if there's something that needs handling there's family there to help them.

Visit when you can and when it's feasible, but perhaps it's time for you and your husband to look into palliative care for his parents. There are services that will come to the home as caregivers and/or companions and often times insurance will cover the costs or much of the costs. It might also be worth looking into having your in-laws move into a retirement community close by your own home.

Hi C.:

Go because you are doing the right thing by your own value
system.
Your FIL needs emotional support. Your MIL needs Medical care.
Your children need too express what they are afraid of in the visits.
You need to take care of yourself.
The children need to learn, life is not all rosy, hunkey-dorey. They need to learn ways to cope with pain and sadness by mother and father being nurturing and comforting.
Just my thoughts.
D.

How do you really know they don't want you to visit? Have they said so? They are going through an incredibly difficult time. I think your husband (since they are HIS parents) needs to have an open discussion with his dad (since mom is out of it) about how often he wants visitors and then you need to respect his wishes. Too many times, people make assumptions based on what they would want. What you would want may not be what the in-laws want. Ask them. Best wishes in these difficult times.

The headline does not match the actual question, however I do not go where I am not wanted, nor do I force my kid(s) to do anything they do not want to do (when it's an optional activity - baths/school are required!). It sounds like visits are not pleasant for all involved, however is there anyway you can do a lunch date where you bring some home cooked or store bought lunch, eat there, set them up with left overs and take off every other week? It sounds like unless you are willing to come clean to your hubby then you have to find some form of compromise.

You've gotten a lot of good advice, but let me just chime in: If he hasn't enlisted hospice care for his wife, strongly encourage him to do so, as soon as possible. They can really help him and her, and give him some breathing space--it so stressful helping a loved one through this situation and into death as kindly and easily as we can.

Also, if at all possible, consider having all of you arrange a day when you will stay with your MIL, and your FIL and your DH & the kids can all take a couple hours to go to the park & throw the ball around, or go to the zoo, or whatever. your FIL deserves some time with the grandkids, so see if you can provide that, both as a general good thing and as a stress reliever from having to help his wife 24/7. Insist on it; if he's not comfortable with you watching her, then make arrangements for a nurse (you guys pay for the nurse if needed, if you can; or their insurance might also pay).