Could You Ever Send Your Parent or Your Spouses Parent to a Nursing Home?

I would. Some are super nice. I would do it before they were too far gone to really enjoy it, make friends, go to the activities. I would want to talk it over with them and get them onboard 1st.

When I get old, please put M. in a nice retirement community. Too many elderly are left to sit and rot all day while everyone is out living thier life. At least in a home they have other people to complain about thier kids to!

I worked as a medical social worker in a nursing home for awhile. Nursing homes get a bad rap because some people think of it as "dumping" your loved one. Although some people DO do that and never come by to visit, it doesn't mean that it has to be that way. There are some great nursing homes that have wonderful staff that care for the people and take really good care of them..it's important to take tours and ask a lot of questions before placement.

For M. personally, I want to take care of my family, but if someone needs more care than I am able to give, I would consider placing them in a good nursing home. In a strange way I think it would be selfish of M. NOT to. There will come a point where trained caring professionals can provide better medical care, therapy, and daily care than I can. But there's no reason why the whole family can't work together to visit, take them out, go to church/activities, etc on a daily or weekly basis. It's a matter of finding a place that works for everyone.

No you are not a horrible person. My dad put my mom in a facility about 18 months ago. My mom has frontal temperal dementia and alzheimers. When it comes to brain disorders my Mom has it all! She can't talk, walk, use the bathroom, hold her head up, and doesn't know who we are. You have no idea how hard it is on my family to go and see her and she is clueless as to who we are. My mother "died" a couple of years ago.

That being said, I'm glad that my dad put her in a facility where she gets 24/7 care. Its a wonderful place, as those things go. Mom was getting violent, she was getting knives and going after my Dad. She was jumping out of cars and screaming she was being kidnapped. She tried to get out of the house several times. My dad has had his shoulders repaired twice and when she stopped being able to go to the bathroom and take care of her hygeine, he wasn't able to do so. She punched one of the care takers and gave her a black eye. She pushed the other and she broke her wrist. This was NOT my mom. She was a wonderful, kind, fantastic Mom. It hurts writing this because I miss her SO much! She has missed her grandsons high school graduation, his boot camp graduation and she will miss her granddaughter's graduation from college in May. I get angry because she should be there but it is what it is. I want my Dad to have a life. He needs to have a life that doesn't include my Mom and slowly he is.

I would want my kids to put M. in a nice place and close the door. I wouldn't want them to see M. and remember M. like that.

My parents have told us that if they get to the point where they need 24/7 care, they expect us to help them find a nice nursing home. They don't want our lives revolving artound changing their diapers.
I have told my daughter the same thing regarding my dotage. She has her own life to live.

I have found humans suck at what ifs. I would never do turns into a really good idea when you are faced with reality. You experienced something that he didn't so he has no idea what you are really talking about.

I don't think people get Alzheimers until someone you love goes through it. You think it is oh they forget. If only it was that easy.

I guess what I am saying is at the point where you would actually have to decide he will have experienced that and at that point he will decide what is best which is more likely than not to put them in a home.

It is quite interesting looking at the answers. Perhaps it would be best to define what kind of Alzheimers we are speaking of, she attacked us. She tried to stab my dad more times than I can count. When the knives were hidden she went for pencils, lord I can't even remember everything we took away. She was violent, ya know?

Yes, I would, and I do not think you are horrible or mean.

I recently watched my MIL give up her everything for her own MIL, who by the end did not know where she was, could not bathe on her own or use the toilet, could not see or hear well, and was prone to fits of rage (not uncommon in dementia patients).

They live less than a block from a very nice facility where they could have visited her daily, or even more than once a day had they wished it, but my FIL would not allow it. Instead, he insisted his wife to give up everything, including her career, to care for his mother when she didn't even know where she was. It broke everyone's heart to watch it happen, and furthermore, both my husband and I think that despite my MIL's selflessness, Grandma would have probably received better care at the facility. We were constantly worried because we would hear that she had escaped from the house and taken herself on a walk around the neighborhood while MIL was shopping or napping or something. We were afraid she would fall or worse, get lost, and no amount of "child proofing" was able to make their home safe for her or escape-proof. It was very scary, and I think it was very selfish of my FIL, as he neither considered my MIL's comfort nor the safety of his own mother.

I don't like to think about my parents aging. I hope they will live long and healthy lives and it won't come up. However, in the case that my parents could not live alone, I might bring them to live with M.. It would depend on how much care was needed. If they reached a point where I felt I could not handle it, I would never J. dump them somewhere and leave. I love my family. If I had to, I would research facilities and I would visit regularly and make sure that everything was on the up-and-up. I will take care of my family, but I am not equipped to handle a situation like the one my MIL faced. I want better for my parents than that.

I would do my best to find a suitable location for my mom should she ever need it. I know from experience with my grandfather that it is very difficult to provide the 24/7 care required for some people. Alzheimer's and dementia are really, really hard. It was like 10 years of slow death for my grandfather.

My grandmother (a retired geriatric nurse) had an aid 2x a week and family and worked herself into a heart attack. After my grandfather was moved to a facility nearby, she got her life back. She could go to church, get groceries, get her hair done, see friends. She also saw him every day that she was able and fed him lunch and cared for him. He was not stuffed in a home and forgotten.

Should any member need more care than I could provide, I would either hire an in-home nurse like our neighbor has (she has 2 that work in shifts) or I would find a nearby place for them to go that I could see them anytime I wanted. I've also watched my friend take care of her grandmother while her 20s fled and her father turned a blind eye to his mother's health. Friend lost a lot in being stuck being her grandmother's caregiver. Sometimes love is recognizing your own limits.

We did put my mom in a nursing home when her alzheimer's got bad enough that she couldn't keep up with her meds, even with one of those daily med separaters. My sis and I both had children at home, I was pregnant with my 4th. My mom was extremely needy and became more so as her alzheimers progressed. (Picture her wetting the bed and then calling us in the middle of the night to change it for her). Neither of us could care for her, as she had alienated BOTH of her son-in-laws. (How's that for coming back to bite you?) Then complicate it more with shortly after my son was born, my daughter became deathly ill. (see my other posts). Anyway - she passed away when my son was about 18 months old.For the majority of the time at the nursing home, she was unaware of even who visited her.

Now, my dad, on the other hand was a great man. (Parents were divorced when I was very small). Everyone loved him. Either M. or my sister (and our husbands) would have taken him in a heartbeat. BUT - he absolutely FORBADE us to even offer. He was still in his right mind right up until the day he dropped dead of a heart attack, so we never had to cross that bridge. His wife cared for him through his final illness, which he was doing well and recovering when he suddenly died. You see, his sister had cared for THEIR dad for 10 years in her home, and it was terribly hard on her and her kids. He didn't want to do that to any of us.

No real answer there, is there? I didn't like seeing my mom in the nursing home, but she was so needy and draining I would have smothered her. When she finally died it was a relief, isn't that horrible? So I don't exactly know what to advise people - it is something that you have to be comfortable with and your entire family, too.

I had no choice with my mother. She was diagnosed with lung cancer that had already spread. The brain tumors caused her to loose control of one side of her body and become incontinent. She did not want to stay with M.. She was an alcoholic when I was growing up and never liked M. and neglected M.. I would have had to quit my job I love and there was the possibility she might have passed when my boys were the only ones home.
If she had cared for M. as a child, I would probably have made those sacrifices for her. But as it was, I was not willing to give up more of my life and cause trauma for my children.
I am a hospice volunteer and I would say if you have someone you care in a home, about make sure you stay on top of their care. The day my last patient died, I could her her calling out for help all the way done the hall. She was a very sweet lady and usually would not ask for a thing. An aide was right outside her door and completely ignoring her. Thank goodness I decided to visit her that day and was able to call her hospice nurse and get her some relief.
For those of you with relatives with Alzheimer's, you can get hospice at home so the caregiver can get a break. They provide lots of support services. People mistakenly believe hospice makes people die faster and that is not true.

My mom was in one for J. a few months before she died. I had hoped that she would improve and would be able to take advantage of all the good things this facility had to offer. Her death wasn't down to the nursing home. Had she been able to live longer there in better health she might have appreciated all that was available there.

One thing I wanted to add based on your post: Your poor mom was caring for someone with Alzheimer's when you were a kid -- so I figure that was a while ago, right? Since then, Alzheimer's care has become a much bigger business and that means there are probably many more care facilities, with better staffs and more knowledge about the condition, than were available at the time your mom was a caregiver. So your choice today would not be the choice of "I'm a full time caregiver OR I warehouse my parent in a nursing home with no real chance to have any quality of life" as it was years ago; now there is a much better chance at some decent quality of life for those with Alzheimer's and other dementias, if they are in the right facilities.

I wonder: Does your boyfriend J. assume that all nursing homes are horrible and no one cares for the patients? Did his mom have some horror stories she told him about working there? Did she press him and say "You must never put M. in one; swear it"? He needs to realize that each place is different. There are some nightmare places and some excellent ones.

You are not mean at all; you are realistic. And your boyfriend may be highly unrealistic to make vows he may not be able to keep. If you and he continue as a couple, have children together etc., you should get on the same page about this, or you could end up with a terrible division between you if a parent were to be incapacitated. Above all I'd say kids come first, -- but how we treat our elders teaches our kids how to treat other people too, so while nursing homes are an option, finding a good one, being attentive to the care being given (or not), and making visits a priority are important too, so kids learn that those who are elderly and infirm aren't J. shut away.

In my family, we all have Long Term Care insurance for a reason.

The quality of nursing homes is more variable than preschools. Some are holes I wouldn't kennel a dog about to be put down in. Others, like the one my grandmother was in for well over a decade and almost 2, are really, really amazing places.

The one my grandmother was is started at $9,000 per month, and only went up as the years went by. (It's currently more per month than I make in a year). LTCI, however, pays 80-100% depending on your plan.

I would put either of my parents in the same place in a heartbeat. You can still visit every day, and the rooms are all singles and homey -residents or family can decorate as they so choose-, the gardens and glass covered atriums are GORGEOUS... really really amazing place...Almost like a posh hotel, but with 24/7 nursing/medical care. This was also a place that often had half a dozen toddlers running around, school kids doing homework in the library, gardens, etc... and lots and lots of families and visitors. (The facility was divided into different "types" -rehab, early stage dementia, late stage dementia, hospice, etc.- so most of the visitors were in the hospice, early stage dementia or long term physical areas, but there were still a lot where we were in the late stage dementia sector)...A GREAT place.

I'd feel really happy if my parents were in that type of nursing home. If, for whatever reason, we could only afford hell's waiting room? I'd keep them at home. Ideallyalso hire 2 shifts of home care nurses.

Yes to both. We put my FIL in one for three years until he died. If my mother or MIL can't live independently at some time-they will go to a nursing home as well. If you truly feel strongly about this you need to think twice about a long term commitment with your boyfriend as you know for sure you may be forced to care for his mother. When I vowed 'in sickness and in health' I meant my husband not my parents or his parents.

I think that this is an important conversation for your boyfriend to have with his mom. And if she really does not want to be in a nursing home, then she should be proactive about this and purchase long-term care insurance that has a specific rider that pays for in-home nursing care (or your boyfriend should do it for her, to make sure he can fulfill his promise). Otherwise, as good as your boyfriend's intentions are, he may not have the skills or money to take care of his mother as she gets older.

And no, I don't think that you are mean. This is a very personal decision and you have the right to your opinion, as does he. But I do think that you need to consider your boyfriend's views carefully, and how this could affect your life together.

Also, for what it's worth, when my grandmother got to the point that she couldn't drive (because she forgot how), she became very lonely in an apartment by herself. And even though she could take care of her own basic needs, my dad moved her to an assisted living home. It wasn't a nursing home, but they provided common meals and activities in the building. My grandmother loved it there, and her quality of life improved greatly because she could make friends with peers, have people to talk to during the day when both my parents were working, etc. So my opinion is that moving to a GOOD place can be a very good thing for someone who might otherwise become isolated.

Sometimes it's the kinder thing to do to use a nursing home or in-home nurse. This past year my FIL had rapidly declining health and it was tragic. He went from being vital and vibrant to advanced dementia and extremely poor health. My MIL cared for him and his every need but he sick too often at home, made too many trips to the hospital where he would get even more sick, and he was too heavy for her to lift when he fell. Every time he fell, there was worry that he would rupture something or break a bone. He had ghastly bruises and cuts.

It was difficult putting him in a nursing home but it was the safest option. Insurance wouldn't cover a traveling nurse for the amount of time he needed ie. 24 hour care. The only way for him to get adequate care was in a nursing home or a hospital. The hospital wouldn't even discharge him the last time unless he had residence in a nursing home set up already. That's how bad it was.

We were lucky and found a good nursing home very close to home. My mother-in-law spent mornings with him every single day. She had breakfast with him. She took care of him the entire time except for the medical care. She sat with him, read to him, helped him shave, cut his hair, did everything she would have done at home. She went home and made his lunch while waiting for his laundry and watching my nephew. Then she went back with his lunch and dinner, staying until visiting hours ended. She did absolutely everything for him while he was in the nursing home, and it exhausted her. Even the little bit of time she was at home, he called her every 15 minutes.

They did that from March through September and then his health took a drastically worse turn. He passed away mid-October. He would have died much sooner had he been at home. It would have been a more painful death for him.

If I had to do the same for one of my parents, I would. I saw daily how my husband and sisters-in-law struggled with the decision but how much relief they felt at the improved quality of care he received. My husband HATED that we had to do it. He's convinced that nursing homes don't care and will abandon you in a corner to die and leave you in dirty diapers, only treating you well if you have family that visits not only every day but all day. If I ever had to put him in a nursing home it would have to be dire circumstances.

Sometimes it is a balancing act between caring for someone and maintaining a life of your own. At other times a loved one needs more assistance than you can provide. There are still other times where you J. don't have the necessary skills or the patience to care for them.

About 12-15 yrs ago my FIL was diagnosed with dementia. It was still early on, so he wasn't too bad off. As he had my MIL there, we were comfortable with them being on their own. However, as his condition progressed, it became more difficult and more worrisome. Then my MIL was diagnosed with dementia as well, and her condition deteriorated a little more rapidly than my FIL's. It was no longer safe for them to be on their own. The family's choice was to place them in an assisted living facility about 3 yrs ago. It wasn't easy and they don't like it, but we felt it was the best for all involved. There is staff there 24/7 to assist them. However, we do visit them at least once a week (unless one of us is sick).

With the situation with my in-laws, my dad has told us that if it ever became necessary that he would need to be placed in a nursing home, he wouldn't like it, but he would understand. He does not want us to give up our daily lives to take care of him. My mom has already passed away from cancer, but I believe that she would feel the same way.

Personally, it seems that your boyfriend's mom is the one being "selfish" by wanting him to promise never to place her in a nursing home. She is only thinking of herself and what she wants and not what is the best solution for all involved.

There's nothing to wreck your life (including your heath and emotional well-being) or your marriage like moving an ailing and old parent in with you! I watched my grandmother get passed from house to house as a kid and my parents swore they would NEVER burden M. with that -and now my mom is gone, but my dad is well off, so we could afford a nice place for him if he ever needs it. My MIL -we're buying insurance to help off-set her care if needed in later years, because she has not planned well or saved, and we will not move her in with us. I told my husband years ago that the day she moved in was the day I moved out!

There are many options these days that are far better than what nursing homes used to be. You still have to investigate, and you should always visit regularly (daily if possible) and keep tabs on everything, but particularly in situations where the person's mind is gone -having them in your home is a nightmare. I've seen too many friends, co-workers and family members in those situations. I would do EVERYTHING in my power to avoid it -even working extra jobs to pay for care.

Yes I would. My mother in law actually has said that if she ever gets where she can't take care of her self she wants to go in a nursing home. She had to take care of her own ailing and aging mother for a good 15 years before she died and she ( my mother in law) was miserable. She does not that to happen to us.

It depends on the family member and what the illness is. You may have a spouse that becomes ill and you may not be able to care for them at home.

When a child I watched my mother who was ill for my dad who was on swing shift. I went rollerskating with an alarm clock and would go back home to check on her every 30 minutes. One time she had fallen off the sofa and I had to get help which ended up with her going by ambulance to the hospital. My clock rang 6 pm and that was the last time I saw her alive. She died 3 months later in the hospital. I could go on about my dad and his illness but I won't.

Most of my life I have been around ill people and it is very draining. I have been a caregiver as a child and not known the terminology. Hubby got ill about 4 years back with cancer and other things and it has been a long road. Doctors are hoping to give in a long life with quality. But going once a month for chemo is also draining. I take a day off from work to go with him as it is 2 hours away and back and the balance of the day is the treatment.

My son had a car accident three weeks ago the recipient of someone driving faster than the speed for the required road/weather conditions and broke both of his legs (left thigh/right leg) and he is now in rehab. He has a wife and a son. The wife works with elderly people and has an idea of what to do in an assisted living center.

So do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't let anybody guilt you into having to do it all yourself. Take care of yourself first or you are no good to anyone. The toll of taking care of a sick loved one has not been documented -- emotionally, physically, financially and resentment -- you lose you. When it is all over you don't know who you are. So be careful.

Know in your heart you did what you had to do with what you have/had.

The other S.

PS I understand how you may/might fell about your childhood being robbed from you.

Yes I would, in fact, I'm trying to urge my mom to put her mom in a nursing home. She needs 24/7 care and her children are having to quit their jobs, fly across the country, abandoning their own families and stay with her. It's a horrible mess and she refuses to leave her house or to even move in with one of her children.

Absolutely. My mom was in one for a short time before she died. If someone needs continual care around the clock, nursing care, wouldn't it be unkind not to see that it was provided? Usually a nursing home is what insurance covers, not 24 hour skilled nursing care at home. Most people can't afford that, and most people cannot afford to give up their entire lives to care for an elderly parent. Most people with elderly parents are the "sandwich generation" - they are still working, cannot afford to retire, may still be helping their kiddults thru college. When my husband and I were getting married , his mother said to M. that she didn't ever want to be put in a nursing home. I asked her if she had the money for 24 hour care at home. I pointed out that I would not allow her to live in a dangerous situation, that if she was 80, we'd be in our 50s and still working and did she really want my husband (her only child) bathing her, toileting her, etc? I told her if she could come up with an alternate plan, we would surely respect her wishes. In cultures where there are no nursing homes, typically there are multigenational households with women at home. We don't have that sort of society here. The women are not at home caring for mom and MIL, they are out earning a necessary living. I know many people believe women's incomes are not necessary and are for extras, but quite frankly, many of us work to pay for insurance, groceries, utilities, college for the kids, have a 401K for our own retirement, etc.

Background my parents are divorced and remarried...so I have four sets of grandparents, and I am very close to all but one set.

Grandfather was a smoker, died of POCD. While taking care of him 24/7 grandma had a massive heart attack...she died on the table, they brought her back. She is still living and healthy now that she is not caregiver for grandpa. He never wanted her to do all that for him!

Second set of grandparents: grandma has Sarcoidosis. In and out of the hospital via ventilators numerous times. Once for a 32 day period. In the months before she died grandpa due to stress had two strokes.

Third set of grandparents: Grandpa is at the end of stage three beginning of stage four Alzheimer's. He can walk, talk and bark bitchy orders to you. But he has no idea who he is. Is afraid to step on the carpet in the bathroom because of the polka dots! Grandma is s HEALTHY woman of 77 (she used to go to Curves, and swim daily). She doesn't get to spend time with her great grandchildren because she can't leave him alone anymore. Hard to take them over there when he threatens them, he yells at them, tells them awful things. Things my grandfather (the man he WAS) would NEVER say!

Two of the above illnesses are hereditary, both take the lives of the person living with the disease and the person who is their caregiver. I for one will not expect my children or husband to spend their daily lives taking care of M. if I ever have one of these diseases. I have requested to be put in a home, I refuse for them to give up their lives.

My mother has indicated this to M. as well. She doesn't want that life for us. I will respect her wishes as I hope that my children will respect mine. I will if this goes that route visit her as much as I do now. I will not abandon her, but I will live my life as she has requested. I will expect the same from my kids.

I have to admire my parents for thinking this through and making the decision to move themselves into a nursing home when the time comes for them to need extra care. They don't want us, their kids, to be burdened with deciding, or fighting about who's going to care for our parents. I appreciate and respect their thoughtfulness and hope I have the presence of mind to do them same for my children.

A BIG NO...is the answer here. My mother had Altziheimers...starting back about 5 years until it was advanced. And yes...she asked the same questions over and over and over, and our family didn't have a clue to what was going on. Myself and 2 sisters did everything for my mom and dad. Everyday after I got off work I went over for 2 or more hours...fixed dinner and got everything ready for the night. My other sister came over every morning and the other sister...in another city....came over Sat. and Sun. But there was a hell of alot to it other than J. going over there. My exhaustion...grocery shopping...doctor and medicine stuff...plus trying to juggle my own personal stuff. On the day...which was Easter....I had been at my job 23 years....my dad had a heart attack at the wheel of his car...J. had driven up to the little store up the road....and died. You better believe I quit my job that very day and within 2 days MY MOM....the one that was always there for M. when I needed anything....was living in my spare bedroom...in the safety and security of family....no way in hell would she or he ever gone in a nursing.....NO WAY>>>NO HOW!!! And both sisters continued the same job there were doing...J. as if they were still going over my moms house...laundry...feeding...dressing...stimulation. J. because someone with Altzheimers doesn't speak...doesn't mean they don't know you....I would have never taken any chances one way or the other. You were desenitised by something in your childhood...for you to even be thinking about this issue now. I pity the poor fool who would have ever done anything to my parents.So there!!!!

I put my step dad in one because he gives M. H*** but acts nice to them usually. Plus, he is antisocial to us and did things to cause us trouble.

My husband doesn't want M. to put him in one, but he is wearing M. out in our 40's so I know I can't do it by myself later on. We will hire people here if we still have the money to do so. He won't like it, but I told him when he asked M. out I would not give up my life to take care of him 24/7. My health can't take it. I have to have at least one surgery, maybe more because of lifting.

I don't feel guilty at all. I will make sure he is well taken care of and that starts with M. taking care of M.. People often think I am cold, but they are invited to come take care of him for two weeks. They will be begging M. to come back.;-)

I guess we deal with that when it happens.
My husband feels a lot like I do...
You do sound a bit cold. (How many YEARS did your mom feed, dress, bathe and keep you safe and healthy, I wonder?)
I know people who have had to go through the painful process of placing their elderly/sick/dementia ridden parents in an assisted living or nursing facility, and I've gotta say, it wasn't because they "wanted" to--it was because they "had" to--safety and health issues of parents that required 24/7 care that they couldn't safely and completely provide.
Generally older folks like to stay independent as long as they can. I'm sure I will be that way as well.
I would never "look down" on someone for placing their parents in a facility if that's what they (the parent) needed at the time.
Nor would I think it would be an easy decision.
Does your mom have long term care insurance? Or a boat load of savings? I hope so.

J. M: Sorry you didn'yt like my answer and decided to single M. out. No, it's not an "IOU plan" having a child--it IS about love. Sounds like the only issue YOU have is that your BF doesn't like it and YOU don't like his plan of caring for his mom (perhaps YOUR MIL someday!) Probably bets to get that ironed out now, before he's committed.

My parents insist that they will be put in a nursing home if it gets to that. I'd have my mother or my father live with us but my mom says no way. So some people think like you do. My mom doesn't want M. to have to ignore my children etc. and I agree with it making a difference if they have Alzheimer's and therefore don't know you anyway. It all sucks and there are no easy answers. It seems like things were easier years ago when people didn't live incapacitated for so long. We all in my family hope for clean, quick deaths. We have not much control of course but I'm not against a nice nursing home. A nice one, not a dump. 24/7 care is J. unrealistic when you have kids of your own.

I am raising my almost 3 year old grandson as a single parent, my sister and BIL have my 10 year old nephew, and we J. finished 4 weeks of in-home hospice for my Dad, he passed Friday night. His wish was to never die in a nursing home or hospital, and we honored that. He has been in a nursing home once about 10 years ago, for rehabilitation after a stroke, and then again from the end of December 2011 until January 20 of this year for rehab after a fall he took 5 days before Christmas. When it became obvious to the doctors his leukemia and renal failure were in the final stages, he being unable to rehabilitate, and said he was a candidate for hospice we chose to bring him home to care for him as he died. He lived 4 weeks.

Was it easy? No. After a week and 3 days he was too weak to get out of bed any longer and couldn't do things for himself. So we fed him and held his drinks so he could drink them, changed his diapers, messes and all, bathed him on the days a bath aide wasn't scheduled or he had diarrhea, (common with late stage renal failure) moved him every two hours so he wouldn't get bed sores (and he was a big man) and administered his meds. When he raged from dementia and agitation (common with kidney failure as the toxins no longer being filtered by the kidneys travel to the brain) and tried to climb over the bed rails we sat with him for hours throughout the night (when it occurred mostly) to ensure his safety. When the pain was too intense for the meds to be effective I had to become his Rx advocate and call to have a nurse come assess him in order to get his doctor to make a change to his meds.

Before he lapsed into a coma last week he began talking of "going somewhere" and trying to give M. his blankets (detaching from material things) and asking a friend if she was "here to help guide him through the woods" we knew he was ready to go. As he lay in a coma I reminded myself that he had once been my grandmother's little baby...nurtured, loved and protected. As he would get agitated and I gave him meds to calm him down I traced my finger from between his brows and over his eye gently to help him relax and sleep, J. as I did with my babies.

On Friday we all knew he was close. He was uncomfortable and I had to call for a nurse to assess him, the doctor mercifully adjusted his pain and agitation meds (yes, even in a coma he was agitated.) His breathing had changed from the day before, and the nurse said it would more than likely be a day or two, but the more she looked at him she started saying she wouldn't be surprised if he went that day. When i went to give him his meds at 9 p.m. his breathing had changed significantly, and I notified everyone at home and we called my brother and his wife back, as they had J. left. My mother went to be with him, having already spent the majority of the past two days at his side, and at 9:11 p.m. he was gone.

We had no nurses to help, other than the visiting ones who were here for no more than a half an hour at a time, and not every day, or the bath aides who were scheduled only 3 times a week. We were on our own. Our lives were basically consumed by caring for him this past month, my sister and I didn't dare leave the house together the last week and a half, and our cell phones were set to alert us when to check his diaper, or give him his meds so sleeping through the night wasn't happening, the last few days he was having something for pain every two hours. My fibromyalgia flared, I was having lots of pain, I couldn't keep any food in M. and was having diarrhea for days, my sister's eczema was raging, my brother threw his back out turning my Dad, and we were stressed.

BTW, Dad was "out of it" for the past few years, didn't know us lots of the time, but it mattered that he not be in a nursing home full time as it had been his wish to never spend his remaining time on earth in one and we honored our promise. We can be, and are happy in knowing that. My little guy and nephew have been put on the back burner from time-to-time due to our caring for their "Tata," but I can see it has only enhanced their lives pertaining to family and love.

Would I do it again knowing what I know, all that is involved in caring for a sick (for ten years since his stroke) and then dying person? Definitely. I have never been more blessed in my life. Could everyone do it? I don't believe so. But I will say two things...one, in this day and age with people able to survive so many illnesses through the wonder of curative measures, the possibility of getting to the point of needing to be in a nursing home, requiring 24/7 care or hospice is a large one, (hospice can be done in-home or in a nursing home,) so if this would theoretically be a problem between you and your boyfriend should you marry him be realistic and honest now, and two, if you ever find yourself having to say "No, I can't do it," you're not a horribly mean person, J. an honest one, and you don't have to justify your decision, J. as I don't. You're right, it''s not an IOU plan, I chose to do it.

you bet.
and i'm so grateful to my parents for planning for this. they've got long-term disability insurance that will cover their assisted living care if they get to where they need it. they also know that if they're in a situation that would really require them to have some sort of short-term help from a family member, i'm all over it.
but they don't WANT any of us to spend years of our lives tending them 24/7. THEY would be uncomfortable with it. they want to be near us so we can visit a lot, but be cared for by professionals in a setting that would allow them to be safe, well-cared for, and have plenty of friends and activities.
my SIL has promised her parents they'll never go into a nursing home. it's fine right now, they live in an in-law apartment in her house and can still do some driving, bathe themselves, fix meals etc. but their health is very poor, they are both very large individuals, and my SIL is tiny. what will she do when one of 'em goes down and breaks a hip? or can't make it to the bathroom? she works full-time and has a 1st grader. i don't think any of them have thought it out carefully.
and of course, they'll figure it out. apparently it's what they all want.
but i'm glad my parents don't think that way, and i would never want my kids to spend years bathing M. and wiping my hiney. a good assisted living home is a great answer.
khairete
S.

Absolutely. My mother cared for my grandparents as they aged. They didn't live with us, but they lived nearby and took a great deal of her time and energy. Her marriage fell apart because of it; both she and my father blame her focus on my grandparents for the death of their marriage. There were other factors of course, but the root cause was her putting her parents before her husband.
Before my husband and I got married I told him no parents - his or mine - would ever live with us, period. We've told both of our parents this and have for years. I also don't expect my kids to take care of M. when I get old, it's my responsibility to see for my future - not theirs.

I don't care if I seem mean; large parts of my childhood sucked because my Mom chose to put her parents before her family. All 4 of my parents (mine & inlaws) have the means to provide for themselves until they die. It is their responsibility to make sure the plans are in place, they are NOT living with M. nor will I sacrifice my childrens future (college funds, my retirement, etc) providing for the parents if they make poor choices now. This is not to say we won't help, and visit, and be involved in their lives - but we won't care for them ourselves or take on full financial support for them.

I respect everyone's decision. Its hard either way to know whether to put someone in a home or not. But, I personally would NEVER put my parents in a nursing home. I would find a way to keep them at home and care for them myself or hire someone to help if I wasn't equipt to do the care myself.

Well I am fortunate that my parents have excellent retiree health benefits as well as long-term care insurance and my dad retired with a large pension so I am reasonably confident that if either one of them needed long-term care, that there would be insurance available to provide in-home care (say, during the day when I'm at work). My FIL's wife (husband's step-mother) is 15 years younger than my FIL so she would, presumably, be able to provide care for him if he were every very ill or disabled. Not sure what the plan for her would be as she and my husband are cordial to each other but there's really no love there. She has no children.

Anyway...my mother is a geriatric RN and has spent the past 20 years working in nursing homes. She has never asked us to promise to never send her to one, but I know that her first choice would be to be cared for at her home or at one of our homes. I have several friends who have grown up with grandparents in an in-law apartment because they weren't healthy enough to live alone but weren't ill enough to need constant medical care - it was more for companionship, supervision, transportation, meals, etc. I think that things like dementia and Alzheimer's would be the toughest - it would be very hard to provide the quality of care needed for patients in advanced stages of those diseases at home.

Knock on wood but none of my parents or husband's parents have had this situation with any of our grandparents (one of my nanas and one of his nanas are alive and well and living independently in their 90s, the others all died suddenly or after brief illnesses) and I hope that we are also blessed with good health right up until the end of life for all of our parents.

My grandmothers both worked in nursing homes, one as a nurse and one as an administrator. I would be ok with putting family members in one, but only one I had completely checked out and that was near M. so that I could visit them as much as possible. The best scenario would be to have them in my home with a nurse, but I know that's not always possible.

I've already told my husband that if he gets Alzheimer's I'm putting him in a home with his twin, moving in with the twin's husband (platonically) and we can visit them together. He is ok with that scenario.

it is tiring. I can't imagine taking care mil. What I can't stand is if I must change the diapers and see other's people genitals. I can't even change little kids but my son only. I really don't like my in laws, they are nosey. And to think that I have to live with talkative nosey people, it's horrible.
My husband grandma lived with hubby's aunty. I visited her once,and I must admit the family love her. The children take turn sleeping in her room, bathe her, talk to her and change her. Not only that, my hubby's youngest aunty who is mentally retarded also lives there. The grandma passed away at 92. I think I am obliged to do the same, it is the culture expectation in my country. I will definitely take care of my mom, but with IL, well I don't know. I hope I don't have to. Not to mention that hubby's family has long life expectation. Arrgggh....

Your question is great food for thought! My parents purchased insurance to pay for assisted living when/if the time comes, so I guess the only decision my siblings and I need to make is which place would best suit their needs and interests.
My mother's only request is "Don't send M. to live with your sisters!" Haha! She wants to be sure that she still gets fed her pure, organic diet!

Some people are more suited to care for the elderly than others. It doesn't make them *better*, J. different. I have a few friends who dearly love caring for children and some that love caring for the elderly. It takes all kinds so don't feel bad for your feelings.

I have a daughter who loves elderly people and has worked in nursing homes as an LPN and loved it. She is J. a special person like that. But she would not want anyone to go to one. Maybe it's J. the homes here but I wouldn't put anyone I know in one. On the other hand there are situations where you J. can't care for the person, some mentioned on here I think, and in that case you would have to really do research and find a good one and be sure the care was acceptable.

You aren't horribly mean...maybe selfish?
Here's my take on it. Most other cultures don't have "nursing homes'. My husband is from Mexico City and didn't even know what it was. He thinks it's horribly mean. My parents loved and took care of M. as a baby, child, teen. When I was peeing on myself, when I couldn't feed myself, when I was learning to express myself, when I thought I knew it all, when I was sassy, rude, self righteous...I think you get the picture. So, why is it any different for M. to take care of my parent when THEY are behaving the same way? While I think it may be difficult and hard, it will be a labor of love. Because I love my parents and want what's best for them. I believe, that being with your family, is what's best.
I also believe that as the time comes and your parents are getting older that you (universal you) would start looking into home health aid, people to help around the house, with laundry, with the care. But, that's helping...not putting them in a home.
My grandmother is in her 80's. She is totally aware of everything that is going on, enjoying life, living on her own. But, she has made it clear that if/when she gets to the point of needing help that she wants to be close to family if not living with us. If my parents wont take her (which my mom may not because my grandmother was horrible to her) then I would. She's family.
L.

Well my father and FIL have both passed, but I would not put my mom or MIL in a nursing home. If a situation came up that they needed medical care then we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

I don't think you are horrible or mean. We all have to do what we can handle and you may change your mind later on since it is "your" mom.

I suspect I will end up in a nursing home because children today are different. My grandparents cared for my great-grandmother, she lived with them as my Mom and uncle were growing up. she helped a lot until she got very old. She still lived with them until near the very end. They took care of her. My grandmother cared for my grandfather until the very end. When my grandmother got sick and could no longer care for herself, she moved in with my parents. My Mom did end up leaving her job to care for her mother. I would do that for my parents. Any of them, even my birthfather who I don't have a relationship with, even my real father(adoptive father) who I did not grow up with and did not even know until i was an adult. Any of them would live with M. before I would put them somewhere. It is how I was raised, they are family. I have never discussed it with any of them and i don't know their plans, but if the situation ever would come up, there would be no question in my mind what I would do. I am a single mother, that doesn't change what we do for family. My children are much more selfish than I was as a kid, and they don't see that long term caretaking. I hope someday they can see it, but like I said I suspect they will put M. in a home. Are my kids horrible or mean? No, they J. live in a different world than I grew up in. Family doesn't seem to mean as much anymore, and I think that is sad.

I am not a fan of nursing homes. Both of parents are already gone. They both died from cancer pretty quick so we didn't really have to discuss the nursing home because between M. and my two siblings we were able to take turns caring for them. But if it wouldn't of happened that way and they had something like Alzheimers and I wasn't able to care for them AT ALL, then I might consider it. But I would use that as a last resort.

You've got varying thoughts and opinions from varying generations and cultures. J. because it's "selfish" for one to put a family member in a nursing home doesn't mean it is to another. To another it is called "selfless". Many still go by old stereotypes of nursing homes. Some feel that since you were taken care of as a child you should do the same for your parents. Yes, to a point! Some will sacrifice all in the name of loyalty. Meanwhile, others are being abandoned. If it doesn't work for the entire family then it's not worth it. I wouldn't name call someone for not having the same beliefs. I don't think you're talking about the first moment that a sign pops up that a parent needs help they should be forced into a nursing home. But when it becomes a point when a professional needs to take over then it's time to go to a professional health care facility. I used to work in one for 2 1/2 when I was young. It is hard, laboring work and takes an emotional toll on a person. I can only imagine how it would affect a family member, let alone a worker. I saw family members come in to help care for their loved ones. I've also helped take care of my own grandmother in the hospital as she was dying. It's not "the new generation of uncaring children". It's not being "selfish". It's having the means today to take loved to a professional home that can do for them the way they need it. I was trained to lift properly and do things a certain, professional and healthier way. I saw too many times where edlerly people were brought in temporarily because family members taking care of them lifted them wrong, didn't have the right equipment, forget meds or mixed them up and so on. And of course family members will feel guilty for sending them away so they think they're being brave and loving by caring for them themselves. But if you're not built to do it yourself it will not work all the way around. And most times it is stuck on the woman to do the caring and I find that unfair. I have 2 brothers and we all love our mother the same, but when my grandmother was dying in the hospital and things had to be done it was I and my mother doing it all, all the dirty work. And I and my mother both knew when my mother had her stroke that it would be I that would care for her when need be and I live in another state. I know when the time comes it'll be M., the daughter handling things be it cleaning her bottom or planning a funeral. But if a person isn't built for it you cannot blame them. Do what works best for you and your family and make no apologizes for it.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets