In Law Help/advice!

I think you need to be more direct in dealing with them. I think I would conveniently have things planned for weeks that they want to visit. Gee, we already have plans to attend a .... that weekend with the baby, so let's plan your visit for another time when we can visit too. And stand your ground!
Every time your FIL has a disparaging remark about your breastfeeding, I would tell him that you are providing the best possible nourishment for his granddaughter and if he had a problem with that, he should go talk a walk or watch a movie or go to the grocery store and pick up something for dinner. Your husband does need to step up on your behalf. Is he gone working all day and you are responsible for "entertaining his parents??" Maybe he doesn't realize how much it is bothering you. Perhaps you can plan their visits when he is home for a long weekend. Please remember that they are excited to be grandparents and want to spend a lot of time with her. Maybe now that she is a year old, you could let them babysit for a short time in your home, while you get out for an "appointment" or a trip to the store or for coffee with a friend. Holidays are always interesting once you have children- they do need to become a part of some holiday traditions on both sides of the family. Maybe have them in to spend Christmas with you and then invite your family over as well. They will just have to get along and share their granddaughter.

I believe that you need to be straight forward with them or your husband needs to tell his parents that certain things are not okay. It sound like maybe he is not doing his part of supporting you and you need to make sure he is aware of how you feel. On the other hand, my husband does not communicate with his mother and his father doesn't care for our children. I so wish that I had in-laws who loved my children as much as your in-laws love yours. I am just thankful to have my parents who love them. We recently visited my FIL and his wife for 4 days and not once did they ask to hold or approached my 7 week old daughter let alone my 4 yr old. After our trip, my husband said that he will no longer be visiting his dad. Be grateful for the love they have for your children because you could have it like me. My 4 year old refers to my parents as Grandma and Grandpa but the in-laws as Daddy’s father and step mom. It makes me so sad.

Everyone on here is going to say that its your husband's job to tell HIS PARENTS that their visits need to be planed in advance and if you guys aren't busy.

It is HIS job to see that they are treating you substandard and to see that they are making you feel left out as a family member and as that baby's mother.

The problem with that is I am a boundarie oriented person and from the WORD GO, this would not have been a problem because once I gave it to hubby and he didn't DO HIS JOB...well then it's my turn and well...they are only young once and you are this baby's momma...so then i'd tell them in a respectful tone...I love that you visit...but there are going to be some times when we aren't going to be here when you come. I'd also make sure I breast fed my child every single time they were there so that the dad had something to say because he DOES IN FACT have a choice as to whether he wants to be around it...and he can turn around and go home...

Yanno, the baby can pick up on all that anxiety as well and it's not good for your daughter.

I believe in boundaries for parents/inlaws but bottom line, it's your husbands place to tell HIS parents to back off while you bond with your wee one.

ps. if you get a "heads up" that they're coming and you have the opportunity...I'd find a nice quiet place to go to for, I dunno, 3 or 4 days...saying that they can spend some quality time with their son...while you spend some with your daughter.

Smiles to you hun. I feel ya!

I think you and your hubby really need to talk about what is allowed in your home. We generally have a "no yelling" rule...if I'm in the laundry room and want my son to come get his clothes, I'll yell for him, but I never yell AT him. We don't like any belittling. Correcting something wrong or bad is fine, but there's no reason to just belittle someone. And when my in-laws come (very different situation-they spend sometimes a week driving here from FL, taking vacations the whole way, then get here for a couple days, spend another week or two or three going home, go on cruises and other vacations at least monthly and yet say they wish they had more vacation time to spend with us) I limit the time they're with my hubby whenever we're together. My thought is this-and I know it might sound bad initially, but please read it through, and ask questions of me if it's not quite making sense-my hubby is MINE. It's not that he belongs to me and I can yell at him but no one else can, but I WILL protect him. I'll do what I can to support any decisions he makes, we work together as a couple, he doesn't have any rules to follow-he's not my property, but then in a sense he is. I don't let him spend too much time with his parents b/c they constantly belittle him. My FIL used to be very open that I was the worst thing to happen to his son and they would NEVER say anything positive. So, I talked to hubby. I told him that he didn't have to let ANYONE speak to HIM that way. He had just grown up that way and didn't like it but didn't think there was ever an option. I also learned that I didn't have to let people speak to me that way. Hubby told me he doesn't like his parents-but what can he do, it's not like he can tell them no. I responded of course you can. You don't have to do what anyone else says, you don't have to believe what they say, you don't have to listen to anyone belittle you, and certainly not in your own home. I let him know that I supported him, and if he wasn't strong enough to say "You can't talk to me like that" then I would do it for him. That was 3 years ago. It hasn't ever come to that, b/c me telling him that gave him the confidence and the reality that he CAN disagree with them, he doesn't have to walk on eggshells in his own home. He can have confidence in who he is-it's okay. And if you feel that way in your own home, that's terrible. One person mentioned it's not good for the baby, and I agree. I dont' think leaving it all for your hubby is very good either. No one needs to be yelled at for someone else's lack of consideration, and he might become bitter over time if you constantly leave the "mess" for him. You guys should try to agree on a time...like spending one night/2 days a month, plus one day trip (meaning they come in the morning and leave after dinner). My grandparents are 2 1/2 hours away and we find day trips to be very rewarding. There's no stress of overnight guests (us going there-they can't leave b/c they care for my great-grandmother), we can plan for it ahead of time, and the visits are wonderful-and we have a wonderful relationship with them, but it's still often enough that the kids know them and they know the kids. If you did that, you could see each other every 2 weeks and it wouldn't be a big ordeal and wouldn't interfere with other plans. One final thought...there are people who have a "right" to be in your house. Those are the people in your immediately family. Even if your in-laws own it and rent it to you, they do NOT have the right to be in your home without your consent. I really hope you find something that works for you guys, b/c the anxiety isn't good for you-for your health or marriage. Good luck!

see, we have a different problem. my inlaws have no interest in our kids. but they have crossed boundaries when it came to me, complaining about me (they don't know me, they never got the time to know me), and complaining about my kids (they don't know our kids as they have no interest in them). i had asked my husband to step in, do something about it. gave him time after time, i got to tell you, he never did, or at least he took his precious time, to the point i had to say something, and when i did all hell broke lose. they do not cross the boundaries anymore, and life makes sense again. but deep down, i never forgave my husband and his excuse for their behavior (they're just loopy, honey).
now, if your family is at your house all the time, since they live close, your husband may use that as a excuse for his family moving in with you every 3 weeks. man that would drive me crazy.
so without trying to drop hints, tell him what you want, give him time to get it straighten out, and if he doesn't, then you do it. no reason for you to have to venture out because some crazy people decide it's ok to intrude the entire time.
good luck

My very close friend has a similar issue with in-laws. No grandchildren yet, but... they will "pop" in for days at a time, and expect to be fed and entertained while they were there. The FIL would make comments about my friend's little dog in the house (The house is pristine)... etc. My friend's husband finally had enough and told his parents that they were loved and welcome. HOWEVER, they could respect his wife and home, or they should make reservations at the local motel.

Here's an idea. Make arrangements with friends or out of town relatives. The next time they decide to pop in have your friends come and stay, thus filling up the guest quarters. Offer to make their reservations for your inlaws...

This situation really *is* all about boundaries. First, talk to your husband (if you haven't already) and let him know it's really bothering you. Give him a chance to talk to his parents. If he doesn't, it *is* your responsibility to set the boundaries to make a healthy environment for your child. She's YOUR child. Not THEIRS. Let your father-in-law know if he can't respect you as her mother, his visitation may suffer as she gets older. You have that right. Take control of your life and home to make a happy healthy environment to raise your child.