Dealing with in Laws Who Don't Respect Our Wishes

H.,

Stage an orgy for them to walk in on! That'll scare them away! (Especially if you are nine months pregnant!)

I would not answer the door when they come over if you are not ready for guests. You can also tell them at the door that it is a bad time, and as you have repeatedly asked, that they call first, and not let them in. If you just let them in every time, they have no reason to stop showing up.

I agree with what Thea said I just wanted to add that the first time they come over unnanounced after the baby arrives answer the door while breastfeeding. If your father-in-law enjoys making people feel uncomfortable then turn about is fair play and this should just about do it.

Good luck and congratulations on the little one.

Now that your husband has been clear about your expectations, when they show up unannounced, you should tell them you'd love to visit, but now isn't a good time. Let's get on the phone a pick a time that works for both of us and then say goodbye. I'm also the kind of person that doesn't have a problem explaining myself and if you're comfortable, while they are on your porch, you may want to say a few words along the lines of...I love you guys very much and we really do enjoy spending time with you, but I'd prefer having a little warning before I have guests. I like to make sure I'm dressed appropriately and I've had a chance to clean up the house a little or soon the baby might be napping and so will I. And it may not matter to you what I look like or what the house looks like, but it matters to me. So, when (husband) gets home tonight we're going to give you a call to figure out a time that works for both of us. Love you and talk to you tonight (then shut the door).

Then make sure you call them to make plans where you go to their house and they come to yours, etc. And while they are learning your new expectations, make an extra effort to see them often so they don't feel cut off. And in doing it this way, you'll be able to say "Wednesday works better than Thursday or Friday because I'm swamped both those days and can't have visitors", etc.

You'll definitely want to take care of this before the baby arrives. Just be as nice as possible during the transition. And remember...they don't have to like it...it's just the way it is.

Good luck!

I'm with pp. Set the boundry and stick with it. If they don't call and it's not convenient, don't have them come in. Tell them you'll be ready in an hour or whatever and to come back then.

They'll respect your wishes when they understand that they have to. Seems like right now they think you are just a couple of silly kids and they don't have to do what you want because they know better. This will only get worse when you have a baby (not respecting choices about feeding or sleeping babies etc) so put your foot down now and you will all be happier.

T.

I hope your labor and delivery go smoothly and congrats! :)

I HATE HATE HATE confrontation. Me personally, I love the ideas of the other women, but wouldn't be strong enough to do that... I just wouldn't open the door. Then if they call you and say... we just knocked or we were just at your door... you could say.. I'm sorry I was busy and wasn't able to get to the door. I wasn't expecting you. Then suggest a time for them to come back. A few times after this routine and they should get the routine down.

My sister in law went through this with her husband's large Italian family. (They live in Italy, and the extended family includes probably 100 people. It's CRAZY.) They'd just show up at any and all hours of the day expecting her to feed and entertain them, all the while keeping her house perfect, making pasta from scratch, and ironing everything from bed sheets to socks. Finally she lost it and told her husband that he had to lay down the law. He did, and then when people would show up, he'd answer the door and tell them "Sorry, now isn't a good time, but we're going to host a potluck on Sunday after mass. We'll see you then!" And then he'd shut the door. People tried to make them feel bad at first but by the time baby #2 came around, people would call first to see if they could come visit!

Bottom line, it may be cultural or it may be a form of controlling their son (or being passive-aggressive with you) - but the end result is that it's your home and if you don't want them in it at a particular time, you don't have to. Put your foot down and don't let them make you feel badly about it! They will learn.

congrats!!!

Draw the line, tell them you aren't prepared for visitors and ask them to leave or come back in a couple hours..

shut the door.

Its hard and it's going to cause a riff with them but obviously FIL wants what he wants. He wants to be disrespectful, I would be right back. You get respect when you give it.

Congrats on the coming baby!

I agree with the others; let them know what your boundaries are so they can't say "but you never told us..!" Then get one of those signs that says "Shhhh....naptime" and hang it from the doorknob (or a nail at eyelevel on the front door). Then disconnect the doorbell but don't tell anyone.

The reality is that you and the baby will be napping a lot when you come home and you SHOULDn't answer the phone or the door at that time. If they show up a couple times and you don't answer and you explain later with a "sorry, the baby and I were napping; if you call ahead we can work out a time that will be good for a visit." If it happens often enough, maybe they'll finally cooperate with you.

Congratulations H.!

My two cents? I agree 100% with Stacey. You must draw the line now, if you want to have an easier time of it once the baby arrives. You're going to be exhausted and need TLC then. No need for any extra stress resulting from unplanned visits. Just pleasantly tell them, "Sorry, we're not ready for company right now. Why don't you come back at ---? Thanks, I know you understand." Then close the door. It is good you have your husband's support. Now he has to step it up even more to become the gatekeeper.

It's true, if you expect respect, you must give it.

Good luck!

Dear H.,
I don't mean to fan the flames, but a little validation of your feelings in this instance is definitely in order. I think that your in-laws are being very inconsiderate. But, what you have is two sets of people who are seeing things in two very different ways. Your in-laws are thinking they should not have to formally announce themselves before going to their own son's house. You and your husband are trying to set some boundaries in your own home that are not out of line.
The last time your father-in-law said, "Oh...do you want me to go outside and call?" Your husband should have said, "No, Dad. What I want is for you to show the courtesy of calling when you know darn well you are going to stop by BEFORE you get here so we can at least have a chance to get dressed or tell you we have to leave but we'll be back later this afternoon or whatever. Show the courtesy of asking what OUR schedule is like for the day or if H. is feeling up to having company. She is VERY pregnant right now. She needs her rest. And when the baby gets here, we are REALLY going to need you to respect the calling first thing, in case we are ALL trying to get some rest."
My first mother in law REFUSED to ever call first. It was very much her way of being controlling, checking up on us, or trying to "catch us" at something. She would say things like, "Oh, I see you're not dressed and you have dirty dishes in the sink." HELLO! 8 o'clock on a Saturday morning and we just finished eating breakfast 30 seconds ago! I was 24 and he was 28. We both had good jobs. We did not need someone making sure we knew how to get up and get our day started. We finally just quit answering the door. If the baby was sleeping and we were being quiet and trying to get some rest or things done around the house when the baby was down, we just didn't answer the door. It infuriated her, but she got the message. I have a friend who got so sick of the pop-ins, one day she answered the door in nothing but her bra and panties, flung the door wide open and said, "You know...you couldn't possibly have just dropped in at a worse time. Wink Wink." It worked for her. She just figured hey, this just coming over stuff is making me uncomfortable in my own home, so, maybe if I make them just as uncomfortable on the front porch and in front of everybody else....maybe they will call first from now on.
I have another friend who I love with all my heart. She is a wonderful person and friend. With one exception. She shows up at my house at least an hour early every single time we have plans for anything. Asked me to babysit her kid for the afternoon. No problem. She'll be here at 1 and I will be ready for everything at 1. 11:45, I'm in the shower and think I hear someone in my house calling for me. They had been knocking on my front door and sent the kid around to see if the back door was unlocked. Which it was. The kid was like..."We've been outside knocking." I was like, "Can I finish rinsing off?" I was furious. That wasn't the first time, but it wasn't the last time either. I just had to put my foot down. She thought it wasn't a problem to come early so she could "help" me. Help me do what? Blow dry my hair? Put my clothes on? I take care of everything and everybody first, then myself last, especially if we are going out of town. Showing up at least an hour early does not help me. I have had to come right out and say, "If you tell me 1, mean 1. If you mean 11:30, then just go ahead and say so. If you say 1, but you actually mean maybe 10:30am, just tell me that. But don't tell me at 10am that 1 has turned into 10:30 or you will be going without me. I will stay home and be perfectly happy doing so. I'm not taking on this stress!"
When you've got kids and animals and a house everything else, being on time is hard enough. I don't appreciate someone up my butt an hour early. I only bring that all up because if your in-laws agree to call first, it does you no favors if they call first and say they will be there in 10 minutes and they are calling from your driveway.
Honey, sorry this is long, but you are due to have a baby anytime and your hormones can be your best defense. What's the worst that can happen? Your in-laws will say they better call first or you will be grouchy when they show up?
There is nothing wrong with personal boundaries. Never forget that.

Best wishes and let us know when the baby arrives!

Gosh I dont know,, some parents are really pushy and you may not be able to break them of their rude behavior so maybe attack from a different angle. Why not just let them come visit whenever they want and not fuss about them not having enough manners to call first. When they arrive unannounced on your door step let them in (with a smile)and have a nice long list of chores for them to do. You said the house isnt always clean enough, let them do dishes, mop floors, fold laundry, clean bathrooms and scrub down a few walls. You want to be showered and dressed? Let them sit and wait while you soak in the tub and enjoying putting on your make-up and doing your hair. Dad can be out back mowing your lawn! Give ma a shopping list and be sure to mention the car needs gas too. This may break them of their bad habits, or not, but your house will be cleaned and you might feel better. Im not taking this lightly, but if you are frustrated with how they are now, you wont feel any better when the sweet little baby comes so you might as well get some good work out of them when you need it the most. Congrats on the baby. And hang in there. There may be a day you wish someone would show up and give you a hand. (o;

Hi H.,

I was raised in a household where we always had drop in visitors. My mom stopped whatever she was doing and sat and chatted. If she was cleaning, that waited, so I grew up like that. (My mom is now 73 and still enjoys drop in company - I guess it's that generation). When I married and was expected to call before going over to the in-laws that was really new to me. One time I showed up 10 minutes early at my sister-in-laws house and she was really bent out of shape. I learned not to stop by if I happened to be in the neighborhood because I was not welcome if I didn't call first. My husband does not like drop in company - I do - I think of it as a nice surprise. If I'm doing something that really cannot wait, I offer something to drink and ask if they can wait until I finish whatever is pressing.

I think the dropping in unannounced is a sign of their generation, so deeply ingrained that it's going to take a lot of work to get them to call first. With a new baby you really do need a call first. If they don't - ask them to help you with whatever your doing - ask them if they can change a diaper, cook dinner, clean your house, etc as that was what you were in the middle of - but don't do it when they come announced.....see if that changes anything. Best of luck to you.

Hi H., how lovely that you and your husband have such patience! Best of luck to you and your new family. Right now your first priority is that new baby, so don't spend too much time worrying about the inlaws right now. Tell them for a week your family wants to settle in, then you will be ready for a nice visit. I too was in constant batttle with my inlaws when my kids were little. We told them "our door is always open, but call first" and this too offended them. 13 years later, (we now live out of state) I can see how petty it all was. They are in a power struggle. They want to feel important, by imposing and taking control. If you have had talks with them and they ignore you, I would give it one last try. Sit down all 4 of you and get everything out. Ask why they think it wrong for you to ask for a call. Ask her if she would like it if you showed up at her home, and she was not dressed or her teeth were not brushed. And tell them the most important thing you said "I love my inlaws". Also would a counselor or mediator help? Would they behave this way in from of someone else, an objective professsional? My husband and I actaully went to a Family counselor so we could figure out how to deal with his parents in a positive way. ( we knew they would not go) My husband is her only. At the time my mother in law was having her own troubles with her family and the councilor pointed out that I had become the target for her anger, as an outlet for her. Maybe a counselor would help, but if they won't go for that maybe he/she could give you some ideas. I think you are smart to deal with this now. You could try inviting them for a set time one weekend and see if they accept, and tell them you will not be available fot he rest of the time. And tell them no if they show up, or you are tired (which I am sure you are) tell then we need to rest, come back at the set time so we can be ready for you. Close the door. They won't like it and may stay away for a bit, but there is no way they will be able to stay away forever. Just tell them, We love you and respect you, and we only ask the same from you. Enjoy your new baby, maybe the little one will have a positive effect and they will think about someone more important than themselves.
Best wishes!
From a mom of 4 girls ages 5-12, new to Petaluma from the East coast

I too have in laws that make unannounced visits. Do they have a key to the door? If not don't answer and disconnect the doorbell ... we removed ours. My in laws have keys and didn't knock. I have been caught naked a few times ... they knock now. And when I really don't want company I jam a chair under the doorknob. I would also read Catherine C and Jean H advice ... you will get both sides. Oh now if my mother in law comes over she automatically washes dishes or folds laundry :)

Oh my gosh...it is so nice to hear that others have problems with their in-laws as well. You are so not alone. I do feel for you, especially so close to your due date! You just don't need the stress. You said that you don't want to push your in-laws away because you care for them. I don't care for mine but I did not want to add additional stress on my marriage. What I did pushed them away. I wrote them a letter explaining how what they had been doing hurt me. I wrote my expectations and hopes for their relationship with my family. I gave them some very strict guidelines. The fact is they have been extremely disrespectful to me and harmful to my relationships with others in my extended family. Needless to say they have not so much as mentioned my name since, even though I am now pregnant with twins. What I learned is that in-laws and/or grandparents...whatever you call them have a very clear picture of their roll in their child's life. To be "put in their place" is a very difficult pill to swallow. If all my in-laws were doing was coming over unannounced I may be greatful at that point. The stress of having a strained relationship with my husband's parents is more then I can say. The fact is you won't have to put your child in a situation where they are making decisions against your wishes. When he/she gets to be that age. Of course you could always just answer the door stark naked and say...boy I wish you called. Maybe you can embarass them to the phone.
Good luck to you! I wish you the best and congrats on your new addition.

Hi H.,

Most people have unwritten "house rules" or in your case, "house wishes". Time to make your "house rules" and PUBLISH them. You can entitled it:

"WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES” or “THE BABY IS HERE”

You don't have to be harsh or judgmental, just matter of fact. You can write a separate letter or include it in your baby announcements.

Dear Family and Friends,

We love our visits and the time we spend together. With the baby’s arrival schedules will be changing and we will have a lot of adjustments in our lives. We kindly ask for a few days advance notice if you plan a visit. If we’re not ready for company—please understand it’s just not a good time for us.

Love and hugs (or what you would say in your own words)

*********************************************************************

Also if you don't already have one, you will probably get one in the hospital. A (DO NOT DISTURB) Sign for your front door. You can also add (PLEASE DON'T RING BELL OR KNOCK). You could also make a sign that say's (NO VISITORS TODAY).

I'm surprised that most of the responses don't mention their own parents (just the in-laws). I'm pretty sure this could be an equal opportunity problem on both sides and we tend to judge our own parents less harshly???

Can’t wait to see a “So What Happened” from you.

Hi H.- I feel your pain. I am blessed with wonderful in-laws, but I still had to set up some boundaries-before there was a problem. Anyway, picture your life as a garden, and you protect that garden with a fence. There are lots of different kinds of fences.....chicken wire, tall deer fences, cement block, and so on. You have to decide where your personal boundaries are, and build your fence there. The type of animals (people) that threaten your garden will determine how strong your fence needs to be. It sounds like you are dealing with rhinos- so you need a really strong fence. Be strong and keep the fence in the same place all the time....don't let anything push it or try to trample it. If they want to be in your life they have to respect your boundaries......otherwise they are not allowed in. After a while of not being let in, they will hopefully begin to respect your fence. Just make sure they know exactly where it is, and what will happen if they don't respect it. Simply tell them that you will not be able to let them in or visit or see the baby if they do not follow the guidelines. If they show up at your door, tough! Also, try calling them and inviting them over when it is a good time for you. If they mention they will be in town, pick a specific time to invite them over. Show them they can walk through your "gate" as long as they don't try to push your fence over. Be strong!

Don't get dressed next time just answer the door naked. If you were sleeping and they come over, let them in and then go back to sleep. Do whatever it is you would have been doing. Right now they know that even if they don't call and just show up, you are going to drop everything, run to get dressed, be presentable, etc...it is a little sick that they seem to enjoy the response they get from you and your husband. It is like bullying with kids...you have to take the fun out of it for them. Don't respond and don't make anymore requests that they call because it is a waste of your breath and energy.

Hi H. -

Simply don't answer the door if it is your in-laws and they haven't called first. If they want to call from the front porch, they can, and they can sit out there for 20 minutes while you prepare for company. If your father-in-law likes making people uncomfortable, then I would have no problem returning the favor :) If they are sitting out on the porch for 20-30 minutes each time they come over without calling, I guarantee you they will start to call first - the trick is to make it their problem, not yours.
It sounds like your husband agrees with you and is supportive - that is great and will make this easier to do-!

Good luck-! Boundaries are a great thing -!!!

Eww!! I have a similar mother-in-law! Yuck. Congratulations on your new baby! Your baby will make everything fabulous and remember, even though the in-laws will probably be over a lot right after the baby comes...that will taper off. Lock your door (mine will walk right in if the door is unlocked)and just don't answer. Really - NOTHING says you have to answer the door. Don't answer it. Enjoy your new baby. Very best! N.

TWO SUGGESTIONS:

1) NO CALL FIRST ... DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR.
OR
2) ANSWER THE DOOR AND INVITE THEM TO COME BACK IN AN HOUR ... or ANOTHER DAY/TIME.

Note: People don't repeatedly do nice things OR annoying things without a pay-off. In this case, it sounds like your in-laws 'pay-off' is "control". Take the control back; it belongs to you.

Hi, H.;
I do know how you feel, and so do lots of other women! this means there IS something to what your husband says. It is part of who they are. They are In-laws! They are parents. They are family. Please notice that when they called and said they were in town THEY WERE CALLING FIRST before coming over! This is such a big step for them. They really thought they were doing what you two had asked! I "know" because I have been married 22 years and had In-Laws the whole time :) ! So commend your husband for communicating! And accept that when they call and say they are in town that it at least gives you 10 minutes to get dressed. And THANK them for calling first. Please believe me, it could be so much worse. And believe me that with work it will continue to get better. Be patient. I know it makes you nuts. We have been there. TRUST that your husband wants you to be happy! Love him for that. And you may want to try an experiment for fun...Let them barge in on you and just sit there naked or whatever and see what they think. Casually apologize and say, "Darn, I wish I would have known you were coming." Then calmly walk out to get dressed. Take a long time. (Or is this just one of those "in our dreams" ideas?) It would really be fun if your husband would do this with you. Okay, but really...they are trying and your husband is, too. Don't let him feel all his effort is for nothing. Take it one day at a time, and make sure you keep eachother first. Even over your parents and kids. Make this evident in your speech and actions. Go places together. Make time. Tell folks, "I will have to get back to you after I check with my husband." It is so worth it. J.

Hi H.,

Congratulations on your soon to be little family of 3! Isn't it awful that anyone is causing you any kind of extra stress at this time! I just had to answer this one because this is a huuuuuge issue for me.

There's a fabulous book about, and the word is in the title but perhaps somebody knows the exact name of it, BOUNDARIES (not the full name). I have heard others have read it and it has helped them tremendously.

Obviously you won't be having much leisure time to kick back and read a good book so this is my practical advice to you. Let your in-laws know (it sounds like hubby is a great guy and really trying to take this on for you but remember dealing with a lifetime of habits created by parents, like boundary breaking and his dad liking to make people uncomfortable, is psychologically very difficult for hubby to deal with repeatedly- especially when there is no respect coming back).

Hubby should let them know once and for all, that the next time they arrive without asking if it's a convenient time, you will not answer the door. Tell them it is not only for them but anyone who just drops by. Make yourself a big sign that says something like "private time, please do not disturb" and put it on the door whenever you feel you don't want to have to even go to the door. (Believe me, you'll be less visitor ready after the baby comes than you ever have been. Some days you just won't get out of your pajamas and the last thing you need when you're trying to calm your baby, bond with the 3 of you as a new family, or figure out a routine that might work for you, is visitors. If your life is anything like mine, it won't only be in-laws who think baby visiting anytime they are in the neighborhood, is a great new hobby.

If ever you get caught outside or in an awkward situation without your sign up, just pretend you have an appointment every time. Even if it kills you, pack up and rush out of the house. Tell them you have to rush off and to please call next time so this doesn't happen again. Go to a park and take a walk in the fresh air to cool your nerves, then return home to privacy.

I am a very private person, my husband is not.I have been forced to be more flexible now that I have 3 kids. The first year of my first child's life was a nightmare though, because I hadn't developed a way to handle what I felt was constant intrusions into my new little family. I never dreamed people would be so rude to force their way into my private world repeatedly but I now understand they are just different types of people and they don't understand my intense need for privacy.

Now I have 3 school aged kids and we live in a very close knit neighborhood full of kids and interacting neighbors that never call before they drop by. I still use my sign when I don't want to be disturbed while I'm doing a puzzle with my kids or we are enjoying some down time together or having dinner or doing homework or whatever. Sometimes people still knock, but I just don't answer the door. I don't feel bad about it and when I turn the sign over to "welcome" I really mean it.

I hope I've made sense. It's hard to even compose a sensible message with 3 kids underfoot!

Good luck, don't let any of this ruin this beautiful, but difficult time for all of you,and take care of hubby. You need him on your side. Try not to let this come between you two. You will regret it later. But, you two set the rules and whoever doesn't follow them, will soon learn.

I think that your assumptions that they will be coming over on a whim AFTER you have the baby are pretty right on. It sounds like you have been a patient trooper for the last 3 years. My husband and I had the same problem with his parents. I'm NEVER prepared for company and DO request a phone call before visits. The only way we got his mom to finally understand was by not opening the door one day when they showed up. It wasn't easy to listen to them knock and knock and look all puzzled since our cars were in the driveway. After about 15 minutes they finally drove off and they called us later that evening and asked us where we were.
We told them we were home but napping and didnt want to be disturbed. They have called before coming over ever since. You may have to do that more than once, but with gas prices the way they are, I'm sure they will call before coming over in the future. Stick to your guns, you will definitely want privacy after the baby comes. I hope your husband is on board with you because this can be a touchy situation.
You dont want to be like Debra on "Everybody Loves Raymond"..
Good luck.

Oh H.-
I don't even know where to begin. Start by not answering the door. Seriously. Your other option is to invite them to join you out somewhere and tell them that at present visitors are not acceptable in your home. If they don't like it, tell them it's completely disrespectful for them to continue treating you this way and if they want a relationship with you, then they have to respect your boundaries. The same goes for the baby. If your father in law gets upset and want to know if he should go outside and call, say YES! And make him stand there until you are ready. Don't power rush it, just quickly get yourself ready and then let them in. Your house is not the public zoo. I am all for the random "pop over" once in a great while, but this is a bit much and I really think you have been far kinder than I ever would have been. And I live next door to my in-laws!
Tell you what, in all honesty, you need to be able to enforce your boundaries. It sounds like your husband is behind you all the way. His parents need to respect his wishes to cal first, and if not, then the 2 of you may have to stop letting them in. That is such a messy deal. I wish you the best and hope that they give you some breathing room.
-E.

H.,
I've experienced disrespectful parents, for my husband in-laws. I know that our situation is a severe one. We tried all the communication, counseling, phone calls, explaining and discussing etc. Nothing worked because they need to be in control at all times.
That being said, My opinion is that the boundaries have been made clear. So, how you want to approach it is up to you and your husband. I would have your husband always be the "enforcer" of you and your husbands desires. As he is their son, I think it would be appropriate for him to police.
If you want to be straightforward you can always reiterate the same thing to them every time they show up, give them a hug and close the door. Another less confrontational approach is to not answer the door, or the phone. Having call waiting is essential, and only pick up the calls you want to take.
Maintaining and staying united on your requests will insure you and your new family peace.
If they choose to pout, hopefully your husband you will have the courage to stand firm and let them tantrum it out. If they're just bullies, they'll come around. If, as in our case, you're dealing with a lot more serious issues that cannot be overcome, I've been so grateful to be cut off from all the drama and disrespect that was my life prior.
Best of success and happy motherhood!
Regards,
D.

H.,

I feel for you. Here's what I did:
If I wasn't expecting company I didn't open the door.
If I was busy I didn't answer the phone.
Just because someone is calling (knocking on the door or calling on the phone) doesn't mean I am available to receive their call.

Keep pushing those boundaries because, and I really really really mean this, you are going to be so exhausted after having the baby that you wont want any company at all. My mom imposed herself and suddenly last minute showed up and invited herself to stay at my house for a week after I had the baby. Even though she was helpful by cooking, it was still stressful having another body in the house. Her intentions were good but I would have been better off alone.

So here's my advice: You've already made your wishes known. Now you have to (just like with children) let there be some consequences. These could be natural consequences like you never opened the door because you and the baby were sleeping and you didn't know anyone was coming over. Please do this for everyone because I guarantee that well-meaning people are going to be so excited about the baby that they will show up unannounced. Now, if your in laws are really being difficult then they are going to have a hard time ever seeing the baby. My mom has since moved here, 2 blocks away, but has never shown up without calling and asking. I have no problem telling her that it isn't a good time and to come over another time that I specify.

And, if your in-laws finally do call and say they are coming over YOU specify what time you want them to come. If they don't show up at that time DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. Their behavior is inconsiderate and immature. Even if it is normal for them to be that way DO NOT excuse their behavior by accepting that "This is just the way they are." Tell your husband what you are doing. Do not tell his parents or they will think they need to figure out a way to win the fight and things will probably get worse. Just let them feel the disappointment of not getting their way and eventually they'll have to "come around" if they ever want to come around. You know?

So again, just because the phone is ringing doesn't mean you should pick it up and just because there is someone at the door doesn't mean you have to open it. Make boundaries and keep them. This skill will come in handy for parenting as well :)

Oh yeah, and you aren't being secretive-you are being private. Not everything that goes on in your family is their business. They need to respect your privacy. If they have a key change the locks.

I wish you the best and congrats on your new baby!!!

E.

Hi H.!
If you really want this to stop, perhaps your husband can let them know that if they DO come by unannounced, and uninived, they will not be welcomed in to your home. They need to take your wishes seriously - especially with your baby on the way! If you allow this behavior to continue, it will only get worse. It is very rude and disrespectful to you. Don't feel as though you're "pushing them away" with your VERY reasonable request. They are actually pushing YOU away by not respecting the boundaries you and your husband have set.
Best wishes to you and your husband, and congratulations on your new baby!

Hi H.!

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this! I too have a MIL and FIL that like to drop by unexpected. The problem is that my hubby never really thought that it was a problem (his whole family was raised this way) until I put my foot down. He has since asked his parents to please call before they come and they have (for the most part) abided by our wishes. They never seemed to act rude or indignant on purpose; which seems to be the main problem in your case. At least your hubby is supportive of your wishes.

In any case, if it were me and my in-laws acted this way, I would just not answer the door. I would make it clear once again that they are not welcome unless they call first and it's out of respect that they follow your wishes and request and then I would follow-up by not answering the door if they show up. Plain and simple. If my in-laws were going to be that rude and not respect my request to call ahead of time then next time they decided to just "drop-in" I would just not answer the door. Just let them knock and knock until they give up and leave. And then if they call you while they're standing outside, just don't answer the phone. I can guarantee that you do that a few times and they will get a clue and start calling you ahead of time. If they don't like it, then oh well. It's your home and they have to learn to respect your privacy. It's as simple as that. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
J. :)

H.,

Are they more inclined to show up on specific days for example the weekends? If that is the case, mentally prepare yourself for the possiblity that they may show up.

Now, if they might show up, do you care if your house is messy or you are in your pjs? Do you think they are there to visit or trying to catch you at your worst?

At my house (I share with my husband, child and several animals), people including my in-laws often show up unannounced. We are in various stages of clothing and disarray. Sometimes I am embarassed, sometimes not. More times than not, I will not change my clothes (what you see is what you get when you show up unannounced). If I'm just wearing a tshirt, I'll grab some pants, shorts or a robe. This has occurred any number of days of the week, and I can still be in my pjs as late as 2pm.

Frequently, my father in law would show up and make a comment. I would just ignore it or say wouldn't you still like to be in your pajamas?

Obviously, they are not going to call before coming over. If they had planned to do that they would already be doing it. How you react to this behavior is up to you.

One thing I did say to the in-laws early on in our marriage to keep them from showing up too early on the weekend mornings was that they would never get a grandchild if they didn't give us some alone time.

Rarely do they show up in the mornings on the weekends now.

Good luck and maybe just try to look at it from a perspective of how wonderful it is that you live close and they can share your lives.

Congratulations on the impending arrival of your first child!

I think your problem is all too common, but that doesn't make it easier. What you have going for you is that your husband is supportive and understands the problem. Like many have said before, this is a control issue and I'm sorry, it will only get worse when the baby is born. Your husband's parents are not acknowledging your or your husband's rules. (I know that sounds narrow but that's what it comes down to) You want them to call first, a simple request, but they refuse. What happens when you tell them not to give your child candy or soda or whatever guidelines you give them with the baby? I'm not trying to make you more stressed. You really should be gearing up for the big day, but I think this needs to be addressed now.

Meet with them one more time, explain your wishes and consequences if they distregard them.(discuss with your husband)then if they do disregard them, have your husband open the door, explain that this isn't a good time, and please come back later, shut door.(my suggestion) You are not being rude, you are not being secretive, there’s no need for further discussion, you are just setting boundaries. Trust me, when you've been up part of the night, the baby just goes down for a nap and you finally get some time for sleep, you will not want to deal with it then. Eventually, if they don't like driving over there and being turned away, they will get the idea and call. They might get their feelings hurt but they will get over it and maybe they will start treating you and your husband with the respect you deserve. By the way, when they do call, greet them with joy and acceptance. Show them how happy you are to see them. It's a behavior modification technique, but it works.

Good luck! I hope everything works out for you!

S.

Point Blank!!!! Next, time don't open the door. Or, open the door when your ready to recieve them. Take a shower, clean up or get dressed. Then they'll ask. "What took soooo long". Your response, "we weren't ready to recieve you".
I totally think that is so disrespectful.

Gook Luck, I feel for you.

SUSAN S, please do not disregard her problem because it doesn't or wouldn't offend you, that really doesn't help her at all.. we are here to be helpful, not say " you are over worried about your apperance" ....

H. P, I went through the SAME thing. We didn't say much in the beginning and we wish we had because it did boil over to our daughter and the straw that broke our back was when we caught them giving our 1 yr old soda and oreo's, I LOST IT, We have tried to do our best but even when we asked that my oldest son not be given a gameboy because his academics were lacking, guess who came home from grandma's with a gameboy- yea, nice huh?! What we have learned is that we can NOT change them, all we can do is strictly enforce our family/house rules. If the rule is they call, well, don't answer the door, it will only take a few times, and when questioned, flat out tell them "we were not expecting you and it was not a good time" It is a marriage saver as well because he doesn't want to constantly hear griping about them, especially since most men don't hear the actual complaint, just complaing! Tell your husband that if he wants a happy healthy pregancy/baby/wife, you need to start enforcing family/house rules. But make sure you enforce it for everyone, if aunt jane stops by without calling, same goes for her. Hope that helps!

Hi H. - I'm usually a little shy when it comes to responding to questions on this site, but I can relate to your problem so strongly that I had to reply.
My parents were acting very similarly to your in-laws when my husband and I were first married. Nothing we said seemed to get through to them. Finally, their rudeness and total lack of respect was threatening to break us up, so I went to a psychologist. (I wound up going for about 2 months.) My counselor helped me so much!!! After explaining why my parents were the way they were (unhappy with themselves, unable to love themselves - which made a lot of sense),she taught me how to deal with them in a very strong but gentle way (the velvet hammer, if you will). I was able to summon the courage to explain to my parents that I was an adult now and I wasn't going to tolerate the way they were treating us any longer. Since they refused to stop treating us so disrespectfully, they were no longer allowed to come to our house. We would visit them - and on our schedule, not theirs. As time went on, I came to realize that, though this wasn't an ideal situation, it worked really well and basically saved my sanity and my marriage. Over the years, I've come to realize that my parents' attitudes (negative, judgmental, etc.) are truly toxic and I'm lucky to have been able to take control of things when I did. We have been happily married for 26 years and we have two grown daughters.
I wish you and your husband the best with getting this situation under control. You have to be strong and draw the line, but I promise you it will be worth it!
K.

I am so sorry. I wish I had the best advice in the world. The only thing I can advise is to turn the tables on yourself. Can you sit with your mother in law and really talk to her and ask her to be your advocate. This might put her in the position of being the hero and prevent unexpected visits.

mother of four

I agree with Jill's response. With both of the examples you gave the in-laws DID call first. When your mom-in-law called to say she would be in town, that was your opportunity to set up the time or to explain that you would be leaving at such and such time for an appointment. The second example you gave, you said your father-in-law called to say they were in town. With that, I would expect that you would know that they are coming over. I think the rules were set and they seemed to me to be trying to follow them. If you want a happy, harmonious relationship with the in-laws, I suggest you relax a little bit. I think you are too worried about being judged about the way your house looks, how presentable your are, etc. I have been married 20 years, have 5 kids 10 to 17, and have had a good relationship with my in-laws but I also don't sweat the small stuff. I know too many people who complain that the grandparents don't take enough interest in them or their children. Don't see them wanting to "pop in" as mean or defiant. See it as them wanting to be a part of your life. Since the rules have been set and they appear to be giving you notice of their arrival just not the exact time, either tell them that it is not a good time and set up a time that might be better or just welcome your guests. This will set up a happier environment for both of you and when you need a babysitter for those times you and your husband want to go out, it will be more likely you will have willing grandparents.

H.,
I'm so sorry for this annoyance in your life! I have been married almost 11 years, and we still are dealing with his mother's judgemental nature. The best thing we did was go to a couneselor b/c my husband needed to learn to stand up for himself and not tolerate her rude statements. He went over for dinner just him and seriously explained the effect that her "judgement" was having on him and us as a married couple. Once he had the "balls" to stand up to them in that sense, he continued to stand up for me, him, us and our decisions going forward. I think it is going to take your husband, not just telling them to call first, but to make a real deal out of this. He should go out to dinner with them and let them know that he is there for that reason, the impact & stress that it is causing both of you, and have a dialog about it - not just a 1 sentence request. If they continue to ignore your wishes after that "formal" talk, I would ignore the door the next time they come w/o calling. They'll figure it out! You may just have to treat them like kids, and give "logical consequences"...

Good luck! And all the best to you and your new family - that's the joy in your life, so focus on that right now!

H. I am so sorry that this is happening. I am so proud of you husband for choosing you, and to stick up for his family. The only thing that I can think of is to try and have a 4 way sit down talk before the baby comes. Explain to them that you love to have them over but it makes you uncomfortable when they come over without calling because sometimes you are not dressed appropriately for company, they need to know how you feel too. Also I know that when you have the baby you will be emotional and tired for the first few weeks so it might be said in a much more harsh manner. My parents always called and we still sat down with them and explained that when the baby came we would probably limit visits or not feel like visits at first or we might want you over alot it depends on the baby and adjusting time. It was nice to sit and talk about the expectations before the baby came.
then if that doesn't work you may have to get mean and say if you don't call you can't come in because we are not prepared. Or just live with it and know that they could come over at anytime, I keep thinking of "Everybody loves Raymond" where his parents come over all the time and put their 2 cents in everything.
Good luck

hello H.,
congrats on the baby! i hope everything goes great! i totally agree with everyone on this, you need to put your foot down and really tell them they need to call! with the new baby coming in 1 week, you're going to need your privacy and you're going to need people to respect the fact people need to call before they visit! being a first time mother things will be very over whelming and you're going to want to do things your way, you really don't need people dropping in out of nowhere and telling you how to raise your baby! i've been through this trust me..haha! maybe even put a sign out on the door for people who just unexpectedly drop by saying "if you would like to come and visit, please call ahead of time, thank you for understanding" or something like that so that once they get there they know better than to ring the door bell, maybe they still will, but then don't answer the door, then maybe they will learn to call before they drop by! i have the exact opposite with my in laws! i tell them to come and visit anytime, but to call first, but they never visit!! and when we visit them, they complain they don't get to see my son enough! well, come and visit, duh!! hahaha anyways, congrats again, good luck and remember, a mother always knows best, that being you! even when your a first time mother, you just know what to do, it just comes to you!!

I've been there and it caused a great deal of stress on my marriage!!! I wish more than anything I could go back in time and be more forward and assertive as the two of you have been. I wish I would have told them how uncomfortable they were making us rather than acting like everything was fine so as not to rock the boat. It took some time but finally, my husband was on board with me. He noticed that his parents were pushing me to my limits and he began to stick up for me. You husband is already doing that so you are lucky.

I've found that if you simply don't answer the door, they start to call first. Some people have told me that they make the unannounced visitors wait on the porch until they have a chance to straighten up and are dressed and ready for the company to come in. You might ask them them to come back in 15 minutes. You may be thinking that these things will cause stress and bad feelings but you seem to already be dealing with those. Ask yourself, "Why are their feelings more important than mine?" It is your home and NO ONE has the right to invade your privacy. I have noticed that some people are just "stop by" people and they don't mind if others do the same to them. They get up and get dressed in the morning and are ready for anything. They just don't understand that not everyone is like them. In my opinion, it is narcissistic of them to assume you are like them and your life is like theirs. Your in-laws are acting very needy and insecure and they are forcing themselves on you for whatever reason. They seem to have a great need to be included. Somehow, they have got to learn to respect your boundaries or, when the baby is born, it will only get worse. You will be very, very tired and your patience will be gone. It would be nice to have them be able to come over to help out and give you a break sometimes since they seem to eager. When the baby comes, you will be trying to get your life on some sort of schedule (I call it a flexible routine!)and they need to understand how important that is to you.

Maybe you can explain to them one more time that you really want them to be involved but you are just very different people and you absolutely NEED for them to start respecting your wishes for the sake of the baby. It is best if this info comes from your husband...Believe me! It sounds like he is a great guy and is very willing to back you. I'm so impressed! Continue to portray yourselves as a team and sooner or later, they'll get it. I wish you good luck and congratulations on the birth of your new baby!

H. - congrats on your baby!!! You have already received lots of responses so all I have to say is you and your husband are the ones responsible for your baby. You have to put your baby's health and well-being first so plan on some ugly confrontations with your in-laws. Be consistant!!! You and your husband have to be on the same page with how you raise your child and how you treat his parents. This will prevent problems between you and your husband. Your marriage and your immediate family need to take priority. Good luck!!!

Dear H.,
I am so sorry to hear that something like this is taking away this special time being that it is right before your due date. Nothing and nobody should be putting any stressors on you right now and in doing so is selfish and inconsiderate! I applaud you and your husband for speaking up to his parents and making it clear what your wishes are, that usually is the hardest step. But seeing that they are not respecting those requests and even purposefully disobeying them only shows the sad fact that they do not respect you two as adults and do not respect their son's household. In seeing that they are acting childish then you two may have to just not answer the door if they show up to your house without calling first. It seems like they know you will answer the door even if they don't call so in their minds "why should we call?" It's kind of like when a child whines for something, if you give in and give the child what he wants, he will never learn to say please. Your in-laws have to learn to "say please." I understand your concerns about them not respecting you and your husband's way of raising your child, well, if they dont get whose in charge now, it will only get worse when the child comes. And the last thing you need when you have just given birth and will already have these doubts about being a new mom, a inconsiderate mother-in-law will make it ten times worse. I also commend your husband for sticking up with you as well. My husband and I have found ourselves in similar situations with both our parents and we have to be each other's cheerleaders when it comes to putting in-laws in their place. And it seems like your father-in-law is just a plain bully. Someone who gets a kick out of making people uncomfortable is just mean and someone like that shouldn't be allowed in your home. Because if he is a bully to you means he probably was a bully to a bully to your husband and will do the same to your children. No one should speak to you in a sarcastic and rude tone in your home! You two pay the bills not him!! I do wish you two all the best with your impending birth and please remember, you are the mother of you baby and wife to your husband, making you the most important person in their lives!! Be strong!!
Sincerely, C.

They WON'T respect how you want to raise your child. I guarantee it. Kudos to your husband for speaking up, even though they are ignoring him. You will have to do something drastic. When you had the appointment you should have just left even though she was there. Unfortunately, they are making it really difficult for you, so you will ultimately have to be rude. Oh well. It will only get worse once you have the kid if you don't lay down the law now. So if they do it again maybe spend 5 or 10 minutes with them and then tell them you have things to do. They are rude control freaks. Sorry.

p.s. - I like Shane's idea about answering the door in your bra and panties. I had thought about that one also. How about nude?

When you come home with the baby it is honeymoon time.
You and your husband and your baby need lots of time alone together to fall in love as a family.
This is the most important thing you will be doing in the early days.
It sounds to me as if you are right to worry about getting the space to do this.
And in addition to the problem of dealing with your in-laws' behavior is a real problem.
Your child is also your in-laws' grandchild.
You'll want to be generous, but you need to do it on your own terms.

So explicitly set up a grandparent visit right away - and you tell them when it is.
Decide (now) with your husband how often you want them around.
Then tell them what your "visitors' hours" will be.
("We're planning on having guests Wednesday afternoons, or Saturday nights for videos with pizzas. Otherwise we're just not up to visitors.")
And then don't, ever, ever, ever answer the door again.
Unplug the doorbell, don't answer knocks.
Put up a sign "Quiet, please, new baby napping."
If they call to complain, just say you were napping - and set up a visiting time on your schedule.
Have, and use, an answering machine.

they won't respect your wishes after the child is born, because they don't respect them now.

keep the door closed, tell them to come back in half an hour, or another day if you already have plans - and truly do it. don't let them ruin your plans. don't change your plans to accomodate them. don't let them wake your child once your child is born. if your husband wont do this, you will have to stand up to them yourself. don't let them in if you don't want them in. You and only you can defend yourself best, and your childs best interests.

I make everyone take off their shoes upon entry into my house - y MIL had big issues with this - I told her I didn't care what her opinion was, just that she took off her shoes. well, if she wants to see my son, thats what she has to do. if you asked them to wear purple bathing caps upon entry, they should do it because you asked them too - or they can stay out. really, what a jerk your FIL must be, he truly has control issues that most people work through when they are a little boy or girl.

he is going to learn that when he makes you feel uncomfortable, then he will be inconvenienced.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Its harder than it sounds.

best wishes-
M

Hi H.,
You might need to put a sign on your door bell that says "Baby Sleeping, Do Not Ring." I am picturing them ringing the door bell until someone answers it (unless they open the door without knocking or ringing the bell). It is odd that they can not understand their behavior is out of line. Did their parents (your grandparent-in-laws) do this to them? I would bring up the topic to your mother-in-law about her mother-in-law and see what she says about her (this would be you father-in-law's mother).

S.

I would teach them a lesson and not answer the door next time. I would tell them you were both taking a nap and that you didn't hear the door. If they continue to come over and not call keep not answering the door. They aren't listening to you and that is very rude. I had to make the same thing clear to our families that we would appreciate a call before coming over, and make sure it isn't five minutes before coming over.

You articulated your problem really well to us.
Have you done the same with them? Maybe just asking them to call isn't enough. They obviously don't fully "get it."

First of all, sit down with your husband and commit yourself to a certain response if they come by without calling again. What are you going to do? If you don't stand your ground, they won't take you seriously.
Personally, if ANYONE were disrespecting me that way, upon their arrival, I would crack the door open, and tell them to leave. I would say, "I have told you several times to call before coming over. I find this very disrespectful, and I'd like you to leave." I would make it very clear by my tone that their disrespectful behavior bothers me and my husband, and I would wait for them to apologize before speaking to them after that.

Before you try something like that, I would give them one last chance. Sit them down and have a family meeting - as soon as possible and certainly before the baby. Give the examples of why it makes you and your husband uncomfortable when they come unexpectedly. After you explain yourself, flip the conversation and ask them if they would like it if you stopped by expecting to be entertained when they were sleeping (or in the middle of a big project, or... having sex!)
Tell them that the behavior just plain will not be tolerated. And tell them what you and your husband have decided to do if they disregard your warning (they will be asked to leave, or whatever you come up with.)
Good luck - I know that's a tough position. No one ever tried that one on me, but I did make a point to tell people before our baby that I would not be taking unexpected visitors.