Pushing off Getting Pregnant Due to Horrid In-laws

I had no problem saying what I felt and needed when my children came into the picture. When it was just my husband and I, that was different. Once children came into our lives boundaries went up. I did have the support of my hubby, thank goodness. I made it very clear that no visits could be made without first calling (they live close) and after we brought the babies home I wanted no one over until I was comfortable and ready for visitors. It's hard enough to become a first time mom with no having to worry about what everyone else wants. This time is private and should be enjoyed by you and your husband without all the drama of family. I wouldn't let family drama take away the chance of being a mother. That would be sad. What I would do is make my desires VERY clear to my husband and make sure we are on the SAME page BEFORE baby comes.
Best Regards,
C.

It may be difficult to see now, but I wouldn't let potential in-law problems keep you from becoming a mother to a child that you will love forever. If you and DH can get on the same page as far as setting boundaries and limiting your contact with them, and if he can learn from his parents' mistakes and not repeat them, then I don't see why you both should go childless the rest of your lives. If you have a child, you will always have that child - your in-laws, on the other hand, will be dead someday.

Making a decision not to have children because of his parents and what MIGHT happen is giving these toxic people way too much power over your life.

This is about you and your husband forming your own family, building your own history, and passing that on to your children - don't let their behavior dictate yours. Give the counseling more time, there's no reason why you need to start trying for a baby now - you still have plenty of time to try to work things out as best you can before baby arrives.

If you both decide to have a baby, have a baby - and deal with whatever comes along after as a team. As others have said, it would be best if HE is the one who deals with his family, rather than you.

EDITED TO ADD: Just read your "So What Happened" and just want to say, as one Type A personality to another, this will be good practice for you to realize that you cannot control other peoples actions and you cannot change them. Because if you do have a baby, once that baby arrives, you are no longer in control as much as you think you are - baby will grow up into a child with their own personality, their own temperment, possibly some challenges you could never have anticipated, and you will need to learn to adjust your expectations. I can understand not wanting to bring a child into a less-than-ideal situation, but I don't know anyone that has a perfect family and if you are waiting for the situation with your in-laws to improve, you will be waiting forever. I would be more concerned with making sure hubby supports you and is willing to stand by your side if he needs to deal with them. Fortunately it sounds like they live far enough away that you won't have to deal with them very often. I would give it another year or 2 to see how things work out with DH before trying for a baby.

You cannot change In-Laws.
Your Husband cannot change them either.
They are as they are.
They are TOXIC. To say the least.

Your Husband can try. Sure. But don't bank on it.

Then your Husband has issues too.
His behavior.

Where are your parents?
Are they close by?
They should be a priority too, if you have a baby.

Your Husband, is similar to his parents.
So, you cannot expect him to totally see your point of view on it.
He does not.
He as you said, is more concerned about how THEY perceive you.
They are Dysfunctional... so they WILL NOT see you, as a normal person. They will always have, a skewed perspective. Of you and their place in your/your Husband's lives. With children or not.

You don't have children now. And they act like this.
With a baby, it will probably, be worse.
They have no boundaries.
And your Husband has his issues.

Again, it will not change.
They will not change.
They are just highly Toxic.

But it is YOU and your Husband, that DECIDES AND CHOOSES, what kind of lives, you have, together, With a baby or not.

It is not up to your In-laws.
You BOTH, have to stand up to them.
AND your Husband has to be on your, side.
You BOTH, need to do this.

My friend has very toxic In-Laws. Even her Husband couldn't stand it.
They... had to disown them.
They tried for years... but in-laws do not change.
But now, they are happy and have the kind of family they want and with no toxicity, upon their kids either.
Her In-Laws, were very bad.

You AND your Husband, has to be on the same page about this... and in handling your In-Laws, now or with a baby.
Or it will not get better.

Toxic people.. DO NOT CARE how nice you are to them or not. Because, they will ALWAYS cause issues and problems.
And they will hurt YOU, and your family.

DOES your Husband, 'want to' keep up this vicious cycle? And create his own family... to be just like his own family and his parents????
HE has to think about that. Then, like a Man, CHOOSE to do so or not.
That is a choice.
Does he want to raise, a child.... in this kind of TOXIC scenario? Because, a child will learn from it and repeat the vicious cycle or not.
Depending on the parental direction they choose for their child.

SO- you and your Husband, have to discuss this.
First.

You/Hubby and/or baby... with either be at your In-Law's whims and problems... OR, you will direct your own sailboat.
So, you will continue to be at the brunt of their problems and be used as their rubbish-can, or not.
Hubby has to decide this, and you.

**You both already have had, in your ONLY 1 year or marriage, TONS AND TONS of problems, because of the In-Laws.
And it affects your marriage. Your relationship with Hubby and he with you.
So, you need to solve this.
Now, per your marriage, and now, for if/when you both have a baby.
A baby, will not make these problems go away. At all.
His family, will never be, a "Hallmark" kind of family nor nice.

The GOOD thing is, you and your Husband can solve this, before you have a baby. By, CHOOSING, how you will have your own lives.... separate from them. And by choosing, NOT to take their Toxic ways.
And choosing... a healthier dynamic in your lives. Breaking, their vicious cycle.

Blood, does not make a family.

Mixed thoughts on this since I think you guys are doing all the right things in terms of working on the relationship and improving communication. Part of me wants to say that the time for a child is never perfect and if you wait for the problems to go away totally then you will wait forever.

Howver, you are still young (under 32-33) and the marriage is pretty new. I am not suggesting it won't work out, but a baby will only add stress. I think you two should focus on your relationship for another year with no baby pressures and be sure you really have laid down the law with your inlaws (and that your husband is 100% on board. You need the marriage to really work, before bringing kids into it.

Have you discussed this pregnancy issue with the counseler?? I ask mainly because he (and you) should be discussing how you raise the children in terms of discipline etc. He needs to manage his anger in different ways because of the children and you need to be 100% certain he will have effective parenting skills in terms of not screaming at his kids - and this can't ever turn physical with you or them. You need to pack your bags now if that is even a remote possibility.

I don't think the inlaws are really the issue here. They are who they are and always will be. However, your marriage needs to work and you and your husband need to be on the same page. You don't need to wait for the inlaws situation to improve, but you need to know what boundaries you need and know tha tyour husband will back you up and always put you first, even if it is hard on him with his family.

Good luck.

My husband and my mom didn't get along (still struggle). Two things helped...1. I needed to realize and act upon the fact that my husband and our family came first 2. he and I needed to be on the same team. After an incident where he clearly set boundaries, and I stood by him, things improved. Not ideal, but much less stressful. You and your husband have to agree on the boundaries and put your family first... that's the key. Good luck

I think you're a smart cookie. I also think the counseling is a great idea and as others have said - it will change you and your husband, not your inlaws. You really do have to continue the counseling and be absolutely sure you and your husband are on the same team. Make sure the therapist helps your husband to understand exactly what boundries are and WHY they're so important not only to your marriage but also when you bring a baby into the mix. There is no way I would be OK with anyone staying with me for 3 months even if I liked them. Just remember that people don't take advantage of you without your permission.

Your husband needs to address the issues with his parents without EVER bringing you up!

About visiting, he can say: "We love you, but we don't have the room. Could we help you find a room at a nice B&B or hotel?" (see, you don't need to be in there at all)

If they misbehave, HE says it's time to go - you say nothing. Maybe YOU even get to smile and say "sorry."

He needs to work out WITH YOU what the boundaries will be, but HE needs to enforce them. It sounds like he knows full well how his parents are....so he should be up for that and should understand WHY it needs to be that way.

They may blame you anyway, but HE needs to leave you out of any discussions he has with them....

Good luck!!!!

Your husband will have a very hard time going against his own parents wishes no matter how much he loves you, it's a hard deal.
If they are driving you crazy now I'm sure it will get worse when you have a baby.
I would definitely make sure boundaries are already in practice well before you decide to have a child with him. Resentments can really tear a family apart. Would your inlaws agree to go to some family counseling? That might be a good precursor to you getting pregnant.

Honestly maybe you can make a couple of appointments with a counselor by yourself and reassess your relationship and what you want for yourself.
If you don't want a baby, but want to stay with DH, that's fine, but he needs to know so he can decide what he wants for his life.

If you really do want children, but you are unsure whether you want kids with your DH (because of his family and his issues), that's a whole different ballpark.

One thing I will tell you though, once you have a baby with DH, he and his family will be a part of your life for the rest of you life, whether you want it or not. Right now you still can get out without too much damage done... but once you have kids, there's no way back.

If you go ahead, you MUST learn how to put your foot down and and stand up to them.

Good luck.

ils

It is good you are thinking about all of this.

They are never going to change, your husband is not going to change and you are not going to change.

It will need to be your husband who will speak with his parents and discuss limits and boundaries with his family. This is not a guarantee, they will not test all of you and that he will revert back. Work all of this out before you get pregnant and explain very clearly what you feel you need from him.

When you love someone with all of your heart and when you want a child, you deal with everything else. It is not always easy.. But the love you have will get you through.

I have known my husband since we were 13, we finally married and his parents did not approve. After 10 years we had our child. They still had never changed. In fact they got a little worse with their treatment of me and began to not hide the preference of their daughter and her family. My husband and I will be married 30 years this fall and I have not spoken to my in laws for about 3 years. I got tired of taking the snubs, digs and their lack of support for our daughter. Since she was old enough to understand, I no longer hid their treatment of me. I encourage my husband and daughter to go and see the inlaws and visit, but I have not once wondered Gee, I wonder how inlaws are doing..

I love my husband and he totally understands. He understands they will never change.

You are a very wise woman! It is best to get these issues taken care of before the added stress of caring for a newborn, when you will have neither the energy nor mental strength to do so.

I agree with the people who said that your DH MUST be the one to discuss these issues with his parents. You both need to hold firm to YOUR RULES.

A semi-quick story: My sister married a man whose family is very similar to your in-laws. My sister (a trained therapist) recognized how unhealthy the family interactions were and helped her husband see how he was being bullied, guilted and manipulated, especially by his mother. She gave him the strength and the tools to respectfully to stand up for himself. This did not go over well with the in-laws.

They threw a holy fit. They dragged the entire extended family into this "grievous wrong" and managed to get the whole family against him. He stood firm. After being called every name in the book, my sister & her husband decided to cut off all interaction with his family. They said that if you want to be part of our lives, there are rules about respect that must be followed by both sides. We are here when you're ready.

Two years passed with no communication. Then my sister had a baby. After a few months, the in-laws decided that following the rules of respect was a price they were willing to pay to see their granddaughter.

It's been 13 years and there haven't been any blow-outs since. Whenever my sister's in-laws start to "go there," they are immediately brought back by her husband.

Stay strong! Together you and your husband can create the loving, nurturing home for your future family that you both desire. Best of luck to you!

You might not like my honesty, but truthfully it sounds like you really just don't want children. I have seen people with all sorts of crazy inlaws, ridiculous relatives, nosey neighbors and so on and so on have children. When people have the drive, the extreme desire to have children they do so no matter what. You like life the way it is? Then don't have children. If you really want children then you are clear and direct about what your boundaries are. The inlaws are an interesting issue, but I think that it sounds like you are happy just the way you are.And nothing wrong with that. It means you are actually very unselfish, because there is really a lot of people on this earth who have babies that don't want them because they are pressured by age (?), families and other things. If you are happy the way things are then so be it. Enjoy your husband and your life and convince him there are other ways to fulfill the need to care for another life such as a pet or something. My sister did that and she is very happy. I myself craved, and despite a hysterectomy and uterine cancer have still the craving that wishes for more children. We are all different.

Hello, I am a mom, grandma, and mother-in-law. This is a situation where the mother is trying to control everyone around her by being such a needy person. She needs to be ignored when she gets like this. I would not tolerate it. Also, I came from a family where my parents would fight in front of us. When my brothers and sisters and I grew up, there would always be a fight when we all got together. I kept my diaper bags and purse near the front door. That way, when the fighting started, I got my kids and we left. I remember my parents following me out the door and telling me that I need to stay. I told them that my husband and I didn't act like this in front of our kids and I wasn't going to expose them to it there (my husband was at work during a lot of these visits) We stopped going to my parents for a long time.
Don't let their problems cause you to not have the precious children that you and your husband want. You will both have to set guidelines for their visits and you can make it very clear that there is not going to be any room for them to stay with you.
Good luck with your decision.
K. K.

I kind of agree with S.H.
Unless you can move FAR away, I doubt this behavior will change.
Your husband might (if you have a baby) start saying things like "They just want to spend time with XYZ..." "They mean well....." They just want to enjoy their grandchild..." It IS a possibility.
Having a baby puts a lot of strain on any relationship. Even ones without "prior issues."
I think you are wise to be cautious.
IMO, discussing "boundaries" before a baby is actually in the oven is going to be inflammatory at worst, and cause hurt feelings at best.
I think a lot depends on how far they live from you now, how "mobile" (physically and financially) they can be and how much "available" room you have in your home.
Honey, I feel ya. My in-laws are extremely dysfunctional, and they live 10 minutes away. I've been married for 14 years, we have O. 8 yo son, and all I can tell you is this: People don't change--that much.

You've received a lot of good advice and the most important thing is that you be honest with yourself and make sure that you and your DH are on the same page in your marriage, including the decision to have a child. You will also need your DH to set up and maintain the boundaries for your nuclear family. Your in-laws will never change; only you can - and if you can be firm about what is acceptable and what is not, you will be fine.

We waited 7 years to have kids after we got married, and I had lots of personal issues with my MIL and SIL. When we decided to go for it, I had a serious talk with my DH about putting his nuclear family ahead of his parents and siblings. By the time our first daughter arrived, I knew he was on board, and he has stepped up a few times and has said several things his mother indicating that WE come first. When you have a child, your protective instincts really kick in and you will find the ability to hold your ground.

I think you are being very honest, mature and smart about this situation. If you are having these kind of issues with your in-laws, those feelings and issues could be passed on to your kids. I think once some clear boundaries have been put in place and you are sure you and your husband are on the same page then go for it. as far as all the rude women on here slamming you, ignore them!!

The only thing that I might add to your response is that when your husband talks to his parents, he has to have the concerns coming from his point of view and let them know how he feels (even though they are mainly yours).... Its kind of hard to word this, but he has to bring it up that these are "our" family decisions together and not just your concerns. It is good that he will be doing the talking but if he starts off with -this is how K. feels, and K. wants it this way, it will not be recieved in the best way possible. Good luck and Im sorry I have not gone through this to give you a more personal touch of advise! I hope this makes sense.....Good Luck!

How close do your inlaws live to you? I am assuming they live fairly far away, since they are talking about coming and staying for quite an extended stay.
I would hate to see you give up the joy of raising a child and having a family just because your inlaws seems to have some "issues' they are dealing with.
It sounds to me like your MIL is the real culprit in the whole situation...it sounds like she is either paranoid or horribly insecure...with the crying and carrying on at the weddings. My own DIL is paranoid and insecure....she needs to be constantly reassured, whenever we are around her, that we love her and we think well of her. We do not spend nearly as much time with our son and his family because the DIl makes it so uncomfortable for everyone. Luckily, they are not in a situation, financially to be able to travel and visit with us...so we can pretty much control when we see them because WE are the ones traveling to them.
Is your husband willing to talk to your FIL and ask HIM to be the one to put the brakes on these plans for 3 month visits...probably not since you say they argue a lot...she probably isnt going to listen to him or anyone.
This is really something that you and your husband need to sit down and talk to each other about. Decide what you are willing to put up with...and how you can go about seeing to it that your desires (yours and your husbands) are honored by other family members.
You need to somehow set limits with your inlaws...it is understandable that they would be excited about becoming grandparents...and they would want to visit you while you are in the hospital. But...you and your husband can talk with the nurses and your doctor and set rules about who can visit and when. And you can certainly say who is welcome to be in labor and delivery with you!!! The nurses can be the "bad guys" and keep them out of labor and delivery if you want them to..and can also tell them when "visiting hours are over".
Your husband is going to have to take the lead in this. If you are the one setting the limits and telling them "no" then you are going to be the bad DIL and things will just get more stressful. Let your husband set the limits...let him tell them that there will be NO 3 month live in visit. Send them a list of hotels nearby...and tell them that you would love to have them come and visit for a week...or 3 days...or whatever you think is reasonable.
I think this is really a decision that you and your husband need to make together. Our input is not nearly as valuable as what the two of you ultimately think.
Good luck to you
R. Ann

Hey K.,
Is your husband able to speak up to his parents and set boundaries with them? Has he ever had to? My suggestion would be to start with simple boundaries such as only a one-two week stay and not a three month stay. Also, if you decide to move ahead and have a child, don't inform your inlaws when you go into labor. If no one knows, no one can visit. :)
There will always be conflict and uncomfortable family dynamics to deal with. In my case it's MY family that's not emotionally stable and I thank God for my wonderful family by marriage.

Are you worried about having a baby or ending your marriage?
If this what you want! Some would say better a short bad marriage
than a long one. I have been married many years, but when I
married the only advise my mother gave me we, "If it isn't right, get
out fast. You've seen so many of your friends make bad marriages....
"
Think about what you really want.

So many people have crazy in-laws, myself included. I can't imagine ever giving them any sort of power over me. Your decision to have children should only come from you and your husband. You are in control or your life.

Don't worry about details such as giving birth, you make all the decisions about who gets to be present. It's your experience. I made it crystal clear to my husband that he would be the ONLY family of mine in the room during my birth. Just in case your husband doesn't say anything to his family, the nurses are amazing and will kick out a room full of people. You just have to tell the nurse ahead of time what you want. You and your hubby don't have to be the bad guys, the nurse will deal with it.

As far as visitation, you don't have the room for them in your home. If they want to come to town, they can stay as long as they can afford the hotel room. The only thing you need to worry about is your husband being on the same page with this.

I don't think you even need to set all of the boundaries with his parents in one go. Set them as life happens. Your husband can say to them when it's closer to your due date something like my wife likes to have privacy while in pain and needs her space. When your in-laws try to take control after the child is born, just be blunt with them and tell them this is how you are going to do it. Tell them they had their turn, now it's your time.

I can't imagine not having my kiddos. They are the light of my life. Yes, my in-laws can be infuriating at times. You know what? They would be with or without kids. It's who they are. Why on earth would you allow them to influence such an important decision? Your children will not be harmed by them as long as you and your husband are a united force and you are the primary influence.

Keep up with the counseling, keep your relationship healthy and loving and it will all work out. You're the kind of person, one that is considerate, mindful and aware that should be having children.

my situation, with my first husbands family was exactly like yours, very demanding, immature mother in law, mother-may-I husband, who refused to make his mother treat me with respect. dont have kids with this guy. if you think your mother in laws behavior is embarrassing for you now, just think about how frustrating its going to be if you get pregnant, and your mother in law starts making fat jokes to your face, and then decides that she is going to be moving into your spare bedroom till the child starts college, and your spineless husband not only allows it, but encourages his mother to do it, and all the while mil is racking up your utility bills, with no intention of helping you pay for them.
K. h.

You're still a newlywed, you're young, I would recommend that you wait just a little while to figure out how to handle your in-laws as well as your husband's anger management issues. You've gotten a lot of good advice regarding the in-laws from other posters. However, with regard to your DH, I would highly recommend that you go to counseling (or some other form of intervention) to figure out how best to work on your relationship and his bad temper/yelling. If he yells at YOU now, I pretty much guarantee that he will yell at any baby(ies) you have. Do you want that for your children? Please, please work out your issues with your DH and in-laws BEFORE you have a baby that your DH may end up yelling/swearing at during the middle of the night just because he/she is hungry or wet or whatever. I have a good friend whose DH does that and she threatens divorce all the time because of it. It is truly a miserable way to bring up children. Best wishes.

I think you've started off on the right track. Counseling is a great first step before parenting for almost any couple. Becoming parents can challenge even the most lovingly-parented of us,and your in-laws sound like they challenge both boundaries and the abilities of other adults to provide 'enough attention' for them.

It is obvious that the issues you bring up are very large *quality of life* issues for your potential family. I can't tell you when you 'should' get pregnant, but in your situation, I would want reassurance that your husband is *willing* to say no to his parents and mom, even if he's not comfortable with it. Give yourselves some time, even a couple years or more if you like. I was 36 when I had my son, and found myself to be very grateful for both my own life experience as well as the time my husband and I had in counseling together. Working through everyday problems together with a counselor-- well, the extra time before we had a child really helped us.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

H.

K.,

First and foremost, do NOT listen to what Sheila wrote!!! Of course you want to have a baby - you said you do, so why shouldn't we believe you? I don't blame you one bit about being concerned about much worse your life will be like if you have your toxic in-laws grandchild. I also have a toxic MIL and mother (a double wammy, go me). However, I didn't really know just how toxic my MIL was when I married her son. Only through the years and 3 kids later did I find out. You are in a great position right now since you have no kids. You need to do some deep soul searching about whether or not you want to start a family with such toxic inlaws, AND a husband who might not completely support you and stand up to his parents. That is the real issue here - your husband. Is he willing to support you 100% and stand up for you to his parents all the time, now & forever, until they die? Is he really prepared to do that? I'm not so sure about that. You need him to give you his God's honest word, hand on Bible (if you are religious people) that he will ALWAYS defend you to his parents and set boundaries with them. Do you think he is strong enough to do that? From my experience with my own husband and with other peoples' husbands, men have a hard time standing up to their parents. They shrug their shoulders and say, "What can you do?" They give up b/c they don't want to create a war/fight/confrontation. They are weak. Is your husband strong and willing to "take them on" for the rest of their lives???? I am sorry, but I just don't see that happening, however, I really hope for your sake that I am wrong. You have knowledge, K., and KNOWLEDGE is POWER. I didn't have the kind of knowledge about my inlaws that you have about yours - how lucky you are. You are so intelligent for seeing all of this before kids and taking this situation so seriously!!! Use your knowledge to help make the biggest decision of you life, which is, do you stay married and create a family with your husband, or do you get out of your marriage as fast as you can? Only you can make that decision. Please think long and hard about it. My opinion is that your husband (not just yours - anybody's, really) just won't be able to support you and defend you to his parents (and set boundaries w/ them) the way you deserve to be defended. This is a disaster, and I can see how tempting it is to walk away from these toxic people for good. Best of luck to you whatever you decide. I truly feel your pain.

You cannot let them control your life and your decisions in life. You husband needs to step up and put his foot down if he cannot you may want to consider what your life will be like in 5 years.

You will need to set the ground rules with your in-laws and you may become the bad guy with them but you should consider what is more important keeping the peace and putting up with extreme situations or be upfront and perhaps being an outcast in his family. Number one your husband must support you and have the same boundaries if not you will resent him.

My husband has a very strong mother however he is a strong person and clearly tells his mother NO when he does not want to do something and sometimes she gets upset and other times she is fine but she always gets over it.

Find out if he wants his parents to stay with the both of you for 3 months and if he thinks his mothers crying fits are alright etc and ask him to tell you the truth because it may not bother him as much as you.

If it does bother him tell him to address it. You are in a difficult situation-GOD give you strength and serenity.