I'm Tired of Being the Responsible One

I hired a Life Coach. Really, I recommend looking into that possiblity. She worked with me to see what I really wanted from life and coached me how to make the changes in my behaviors that led to me living the life I want. It took very little time, compared to traditional counseling, and was life changing. Google "life coaches Plainsboro, NJ" find and interview a few of them to pick one you feel you can relate to. The main behavioral change I worked on was my inability to SPEAK UP!

I hear ya, I'm ready to throw in the towel too.
I'm totally hating my job right now and wish I could retire.
Hopefully the feeling is temporary.

i guess i am wondering, if you are the anchor of the family financially, emotionally, and responsibly...why is he getting to do all the "cool" and "fun" stuff and you're left at home? why CAN'T you fly off somewhere and do something you've always wanted to? he sounds like a great dad who knows what he's doing, if he worked nights in order to stay home with your children...why can't you trust him to leave the kids with him? i say do it. go to hawaii with the girls, go backpacking in the himalayas, whatever floats your boat....

on a smaller scale i am in a similar position. i finally reached my breaking point this weekend and tearfully told my husband i was tired of everything i do being for someone ELSE, and somewhat guiltily told him, i am GETTING A PEDICURE TODAY. he practically danced he was so happy i finally decided to do something for myself. he might surprise you. do it for YOU.

Time for a heart-to-heart and time to get on the same page!

I think a woman's life always changes just a bit more when kid(s) enter the picture...but this seems WAY out of balance.

And...some people are better at carpe diem than others. Could that be the case? He sees an opportunity, chance, situation & charges in, commits & you make it possible? My Rx? Time for your own dose of seizing the day!

S., I KNOW you are just having a rough day (week, month, year), cuz you are WAAAY smarter then this.

You already KNOW it's not a competition. You already know if your needs are not being met then you need to Talk About It With Him.

I've READ your Smart As A Whip responses.

If what you have is NOT enough, by all means, work with your husband to make changes so you are fulfilled.

(And do as I say, not as I do, sigh, I'm right there with ya, sista!)

:(

Sounds like you should sit down and have a talk with him, not with us. :)

You've nailed how I've been feeling too.

The feeling comes and goes. My husband has stepped up to the plate at home quite a bit. I hope you've made your point about that.

I know this is easier to say than do--trust me. The answer is to schedule your own "me" time. For a while, rest or exercise with the me time. Then, start deciding what you really want to do.

You say hubby flies to other countries to help others? Who pays for that? Why aren't you invited? Do you take vacations without him?

Have you told him any of this? I have, but my husband hates conflict, so he never says what I want to hear: "I'll go be the breadwinner and earn the benefits and you can work the 40-hour job. Let's switch." And he's not. I hope when you hubby hears from you, he'll be a bit more proactive.

The feeling of being stuck contributes to feeling depressed. Work to unstick the portions you can. One time my hubby said he, without much notice, had to work a different night than usual. I told him he could contact a babysitter in order to do it. He got the point. He no longer switches his schedule without letting me know in advance.

When hubby goes to other countries, does he make meals for you and put them in the freezer? Does he hire the babysitter so that you get "me" time while he is gone? Does he make sure baby's clothes are all washed so you won't have to? I have made it known to my DH what I need from him so that we can have family time together, rather than me working more hours than I already do.

I hope things turn out well. Feel free to send a personal message.

Sounds like your husband has a lot of time on his hands. You have a kid (or three kids? It's not clear from how you wrote this), you work full time and go to school and he's taking guitar lessons??? How is he able to fly to poverty stricken areas when you have kids? You say you are depressed but I think it's buried anger. I think he does these things b/c you don't say anything. You need to express that you are not happy the way things are and he needs to start making changes so you can have less of the burden. Things like this only happen if you let them - yes you want to compromise and be flexible but it is not compromise if you are the only one sacrificing!! Maybe your husband is simply not aware of how you feel so he just does what he wants b/c you don't indicate any feelings about this. You need to talk with him to see what middle ground you can come to.

I soooooo get you!!! For the past 15 years I’ve been waiting for my husband to find his ideal job or a way to make a decent living so I can find a job that I enjoy. He’s had a couple of business that have not worked out and now we’re at it again, but still not quite there yet.
So far I’ve been the main breadwinner and I’m really tired of it because I haven’t been really able to explore on what I really enjoy, because somebody had to pay the bills! I have a set schedule, vacation time and I can’t afford the luxury of just quitting or going part time; the only time I was unemployed for 4 months when we moved to a different State, every day I heard how hard it was and how we were going to go bankrupted, and loose it all because I wasn't working, etc. I've NEVER said that to him when I've been taking care of all, even if at times it felt like that.
Sorry I don't know how to fix your problem, but I wanted you to know you're not the only one out there with those feelings.
Hope things workout for you!

That's great that he gets to do all this stuff. However, if he's not asking you first - not for permission, but to be considerate and to make sure you don't get burdened with all of the familial responsibility - then he is a very, very selfish man!! If he does ask you about it and you say,"sure, no problem," then you need to speak up and be honest with him. Either way, you need to have a long overdue conversation about this and tell him how you feel.

What is your passion? Do you really want to travel as he does? Do you want to change careers? Do you feel you want to be a SAHM? Do you live in a house that is above your means even if it is his dream house? Think about what you are really looking for. Then work on a solutiin with him to give yourself happiness and piece of mind.

Yes...I feel you on this one. Sometimes I feel like I have to pick out the bacon, pay for it, cook it, and clean up after it too. I am the breadwinner and the one who makes things happen in my house. My dh is in a dead end job that he hates but refuses to do anything different. He hasn't had a raise in over 5 years. I am about to take a promotion that will mean more money for the family, but also a small amount of travel. He is incredibly pissed because he will have to step up at home. Noreal advice other than to do what is best for your family....

S.,

There are some days that I am right there with you. I do sometimes have thoughts like "Man, that steams me that if I want a job, I'm going to have to figure out my own childcare situation, because *I'm* the child care..." Some days, I feel like my husband has it easier, because he's not obligated to conjure up an interesting dinner every night or because he gets to do some very nice things with his coworkers, etc.

I really have to remember that I have to ask him for what I'm wanting and needing. We joke sometimes about not being mind-readers, and it's true... I have learned that if I approach him with a mild expectation of cooperation (instead of being mad already) that he's likely to help me find a way to do what I want to do.

Keep talking with your doctor; maybe talking to a counselor about future options would help? I get a bit of existential angst going sometimes and yes, it's hard to see how good I have it. Maybe this would be a time to talk with a marriage counselor about how to share the load? For what it's worth, sometimes I don't necessarily envy the things my husband gets to do (including travel), it's more that he gets to do them, if you know what I mean....

I feel for you because we are on the same boat. I too am sooo tired being the responsible one. My husband cannot make decisions. It's always me and then brands me as always the decision maker and feels bad about it. Also, he has been my dependent too with my health insurance for the last 25 years and never share any single centavo for the premium. He expects me to pay most of the household bills, from electricity, gas, cable and food, and never gives me money from his paychech. Not a single penny because he knows I earn more than him. But, it's so unfair.

Well why not change your words, and say you admire your husband, and would like to become more like him. Have you asked him how you two can work together, so you can love what you do? If he is so good at picking up and making things happen, I'd bet he can help you come up with something. I am not trying to sound mean, and please don't take it that way, but you seriously need to change your thinking on this or your marriage could be in trouble. You should talk to your doctor immediately and tell him how you are feeling and tell him you need more help than he is giving you, maybe you need some medication for a while. And you also need to be a little more easy on yourself. I hope you get to feeling better.

I understand completely! You are tired and you wish you could just sit back sometimes and do anything you want without the mental burden of another day at the office just to pay bills and take care of family!

No I don't get jealous of my Husband.
We are 2 different people.
And I know who I am.

But the thing that struck me, in your post was: what does your Husband do.... in the house and for the kids and with the kids and per "chores" in the house daily?
It seems, YOU do all of that????
So where is he in all this?
I mean, you said he arranged to work nights to stay home with baby... but if he is doing all of that that you say he is, then WHEN does he do all that??? And he relies on you for health insurance etc.
Or does he just have money for himself?
Meanwhile you feel trapped in your job and for providing medical insurance for your family and for not making your family bankrupt.

Is your Husband still the stay at home parent? And if so, HOW the heck, is he just doing all of those things for himself? Moms as it is, working or not, have NO time, to do things for themselves.