Hi moms. I'm really not trying to be dreary here and this isn't really much of a question. I'm needing a Mamapedia hug.
Me and my hubby used to be good friends with my inlaws. We got together at least once a week, sometimes more. It was a lot of fun and they were nice people to be around. So close that when they sold their house & didn't have a new one to move into, we let them live with us in our 2 bedroom duplex. All 6 of them. AND their 3 dogs. Did I mention the ferritt? Yea, those were an interesting 2 months but we made it work because we were close. In the end, it really wasn't bad. They bought a house & moved out. Not long after that, my husband and I (who were kid free at the time) wanted to explore new places and moved to Colorado for a year and a half. It was a wonderful time. The best really. It was in Colorado that we finally conceived our daughter. We wanted to make sure that when she was born she would get to be a part of all her family's lives and not just ours. So we picked up and moved back "home" by everyone.
Ever since then there has been a silent tension. I don't know if it was them living with us that started it or us leaving. Maybe a combo. Who knows. But they never want anything to do with us anymore. They enjoy the company of our daughter and get her once a month or so for a sleep over or something but it's usually when I finallly break down & call them because she's been asking where they are. I asked my MIL (step-MIL) last year around the holidays if there was something bothering her because I felt a huge tension. She said none at all. They were just busy so they don't have time to call or anything. Yea, right. She is a house wife. I am a stay at home mom. I should NOT be the only one makin' phone calls here.
Anyhow, we got 4 tickets to a football game over the weekend. They were free. We asked if they would like to join us. Of course, she had other plans with her real friends. My FIL came and my BIL came. While at the game we were talking some about the upcoming holidays and they said "Oh yea, we're having Thanksgiving on Saturday for the immediate family if you guys want to come." Sounds nice, right? And then they told me their friends were invited too cuz they don't really have any family and that they would be there. So they had this planned for how long and only thought to bring it up because we happened to take them to a FREE NFL game. I kinda let it pass by though. Whatever. We left the game & decided to go to the olive garden for dinner. We called my BIL's fiance to see if she wanted to meet us there for a nice dinner. She said sure, jumped in the car and drove 45 minutes to get there. We had a great dinner. We also called the MIL to see if she wanted to come too but she said no thank you. Again, she was out with her real friend.
So it's now today (the game was yesterday). I got a picture message on my cell phone of my BIL's fiance in a wedding dress. She said she found it! She found it! She found THE dress! I complimented her on how pretty she looked. Asked all about it. Details. Did you cry. Did your mom cry..... Then I was looking in the picture & saw my inlaws. So I asked her who she shared the special shopping day with. She said her mom, grandma, sister, her sister's 2 kids, my step MIL and her daughter! I am in the wedding too as a bridesmaid. My daughter is a flower girl. She told me who was in it and said "I thought about calling you but it was short notice and my sister planned it." I told her it was no big deal & I was just glad she found the perfect dress & that maybe she can show it to me another day. I am so hurt though. My feelings are stomped. I love these people. I don't understand what happened that made them really not bother with us anymore. I know it sounds a little off since I'm in the wedding but I think it's more a sympathy invite. Fill the space with someone kind of thing. They all know how much I love planning weddings. I have helped plan many large parties. I have many contacts. It's not like they have to use my info. It would just be nice to be included in SOMETHING. ANYTHING. And the real stink of it is when I asked them if anything was wrong & what's bothering them they said nothing.
I will continue to be in the wedding because they are family & I already told them I would. I won't back out on them now. The bride is very passive. I really think there are other much stronger personalities (step-MIL) that is playing puppet master. Anyhow, it just really hurt my feelings that we are such an after-thought for these people. To lie & say it was all last minute when at least 4 other households were contacted and able to make it. They just didn't want me there it seems. We called her for dinner the night before. That was very last minute but at least we tried. I wish things were different.
Thank you for the hugs Moms. :) I needed them. For the moms that suggested I am looking for the inlaws to drop their new lives and let us back in the way things were, you could not be more wrong. I understand that we were the ones that left. I didn't expect them to wait around pining for us. That's awfully selfish. I'm glad they made more friends and I'm thrilled they are close to them. That's not my issue. My issue is, why can't we be included also? I'm not talking about the every day stuff (that we do get excluded from also) but the holidays.... shopping for the wedding dress... would it have been so bad if I were there too? After all, there were 4 other adults at the bridal shop (5 with the bride) and 3 kids. Some her family, some the grooms family. I was literally the only one left out. So it just stung a little. We've been back for 3.5 years. Figure it out woman! Grow up! Sounds like a role-reversal, right? LOL! Anyway, thanks again for all the hugs. There are some days where I feel like I need to fight to have family with them. For my husband & daughter's sakes. Then there are other days where I just say "you know, they don't deserve us then." I guess I'm in a spell where I feel like I need to fight for the family right now. My hubby gets excluded from stuff with them too. Where they're searching and searching for a 4th golf player or something and only go to my husband as a last resort, if they bother at all. It's sad. These people hurt my little family and I don't like it. Aaaaahhhh....... Thanks Moms! :)
(((((HUGS)))))
I know it's tough, but try not to let it bug you. Stay strong and always take the high road :)
I will give you a hug. My guess is that they felt like you left them when you moved to Colorado. They may be saying nothing is wrong but something also isn't right. It sounds like you get along good with the bride, maybe you could plan a special day for just you too, take her to lunch or something and just chat. Tell her how you feel but in a way that you miss how things were before you left and you don't understand why its so different since you came back. By starting out carefully and how you miss the fun maybe you will learn how everyone felt but also in a way not to alienate you guys further than you currently are.
I'd be sad too if I moved back near family and was treated the same way. I can't wait for the day that we do. I miss my family and my husbands family is gone. We're waiting a bit longer for the market to turn around in CA to make the move. Good luck. =)
I would say they took your moving away for awhile harder than they want to admit. They felt rejected on some level and now hold you at a distance because they don't want to risk hurt feelings again if you pick up and move long distance again. It might be on an unconscious level. They've moved on while you were away. It would probably be good for you to develop some friends outside this group.
A big hug from me too.
I will give you a big hug!!!! :)
Don't worry about things you cannot control..............
(((((((((((A.)))))))))))
((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))) to you!
I am so sorry you have to go through this, espcially around the holidays. I know what it is like to deal with strong personality types. The puppet master reference sounds all to familiar.
Continue to be nice, love them always, and pray. Pray for them. Pray for yourself. Pray for patience, wisdom, kind words, grace, humility, and understanding.
Another hug before I go......(((Hug)))
I am so sorry your feeling are hurt. It does seem like there is something bothering MIL..
I would leave it alone till after the holidays and then you and your husband need to meet up with his parents and have a heart to heart.. Let them know how you both feel..
What does your husband have to say about all of this? Does he even notice? does he act like it bothers him?
In the mean time, just be yourself. Help the bride in any way possible and try to keep everything as normal as possible..
I am sending you a hug. It will all work out..
Sounds to me like most of it is coming from your MIL and family knows she is uncomfortable around you guys and thats why you all don't get invited. If you really want to fix this and find out whats going on I think its time to have your inlaws over for dinner and talk to them together with your husband. You don't hear that very often that a wife really wants to hang out with a MIL so this is really sad that she treats you that way. Hope everything works out for you!!!
hang in there...tomorrow will be better. i am sending you a smile and a hug.
Hi,
I am so sorry that they hurt you this way. I know it doesn't feel good to have your feelings hurt. You did the right thing though-asking what is wrong and if there is something you need to talk about etc. The only thing left is to express your feelings of hurt to the family if you feel like it is safe to do so. Since they have been so unkind, I don't know if they will be receptive or not- but you can at least tell them how their actions made you feel and that you feel that you are being deliberately left out of family functions etc. Maybe they don't have a clue of how this is affecting you? Tell them what you need and ask for it--- you won't know if you don't ask.
I am sending you a HUGE hug across the computer!!!!!! You sound lovely--if they can't appreciate you for you, then move on and find other "family" who will.
Molly
i found the hard way, that those that REALLY want to be a part of your life WILL make the attempt. those that don't, wont. i have a mil from the same "feather" she complains when she's not invited somewhere, but when invited doesn't show. We invited her and fil when my daughter was playing soft ball, and offered the ride cause we lived next door to them. they never went. Sadly, one day, my husband asked my daughter, you want to call nan and pap and invite them? she said, no, he was offened and gently asked why, she said because they never come, they buy stuff from all THEIR grandkids when they have fund raiser's (she's a step) but not me, they went to (cousin's) kindergarten graduation, but not mine...you, mom, my mimi and grandpa, nana and poppa will show up for me. I knew she was right so i didn't say anything and he knew she was to, so left it alone.
also, i have a "friend" i grew up with, known him for almost 20 years and i'm ALWAYS the ONLY one making time for him, inviting him to here or there and when he was engaged, even his fiance' merely so i could meet her and congratulate her, never settled on plans, went to dinner with all kinds of friends, BUT me, even avoided his own family when i was there....i've given up.
if they want to be an active part of your lives, they will start.
here's a hug..hopfully things will get better.
There might be something more to the story than you know. It sounds as if the Step-MIL is the one excluding herself from the family outings...do you think there could be some maritial issues going on? Just a thought. Also you mentioned that you and your husband moved to a different state. Life goes on and even though they may have been very upset that you moved away they moved on with their lives and most likely created a new "network" because you were no longer there.
Then you came back "home" and they are supposed to drop everything they created within that time that you were gone to accomodate you. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh I didn't mean for it to at all. All I am trying to say is that it might take some time or they could be resentful that you left in the first place which there is nothing you can do or say to change that. It is what it is. I also think with the wedding plans you might be reading into it a little more. Yes, you are a part of the bridal party but you are not the maid/matron of honor and perhaps with you having a child they felt like it would be more difficult for you to drop everything and just go. Besides that personally it was me and my mother that went shopping for my dress-she might regret having a whole entourage of people going sharing their opinions to cloud her mind of what she really wants-just my two cents. These are clearly my opinions so take it or leave it but there might be more to this than you know about or are aware of and may not have ANYTHING to do with you. If you have asked your in-laws if something was wrong and they have refused to tell you the truth then that is on them -not on you. It sounds like you are a "fixer" of things. Stop trying to fix it and just move on-in time things will work out themselves. Hopefully if their really is some negative tension there perhaps in time the resentment will go away and you all can go back to the way things were. Also anytime there is a "wedding" its not just the bride that can go into Bridezilla mode. Everyone involved can because a wedding isn't "cheap" by any means. Perhaps your in-laws are stressed about finances....???? Good luck I hope everything works out.
Oh I feel your pain! I've felt like the outcast in my husbands family for years now. It is very painful! I always thought it was because I had so many little ones, but came to find out later, that some of them just don't like me. I've decided that I'm okay with it. I am who I am and I feel that I'm right with the Lord. I'm not going to change the person that I am to make them like me. That would be being untrue to myself.
I'm sending (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) your way!
Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm sorry this has happened too. Why not have your husband talk to them alone? They're his parents... He must be bothered a bit too. You didn't move to CO for that long so this seems a bit ridiculous. Perhaps he should talk to just his dad in case your MIL has some weird issue going on. Men are usually more straightforward. I hope they come around.
They sound a bit controlling and somewhat disrespectful of boundaries. You probably are better off not being that "close." As long as you and your husband are making a great life for yourselves and your daughter that is all that matters. Build other strong relationships for your daughter's sake so that you do not have to rely on them.
Deal from strength, not weakness. Good luck. Here is a virtual hug.
i can't really say what your MIL is thinking - but i had a similar situation, with my best friend's family. i was best friends with this girl since kindergarten, her family was my S. family. then we went to college and started growing apart - then i had some HUGE painful drama in my own family, and ended up moving for florida for about 5 years. i came back and had lost them. i realize now that i didn't handle things well. i barely told them goodbye. and in the time i was gone, they left me behind. i wasn't there to go out to dinner with them anymore, to come over on the weekends. the whole family had moved on. i missed marriages, babies being born...and to this day that bridge hasn't been repaired. it was hurtful and ackward. anyway, my point is, life goes on when we're not here, unfortunately. possibly she's met someone that she has become close with, that in a way has taken your place. it hurts, but it's reality. she filled those nights that she would have hung out with you, with other things. she may not be handling it well or in good grace, but now that you're back you can't really expect her to suddenly be available. that, with the possible feelings of abandonment, combined, may be the cause of her ill feelings. if you have it in you, maybe bug her enough so that she finally agrees to go out with you, just the two of you, for lunch or something sometime. i bet if you nag her enough she will give in, and once you have her alone, maybe you can work on repairing those bridges. good luck! i hope you find a way back into her heart.
PS- HUGE HUGS!! hang in there girl...
