First I would like to start by saying that I am a sahm with two children and I also work from home online. We've been married three yrs. I do everything for him and our family. I cook, I keep a clean home, run his bath, fix his plate iron his clothes, pack his lunch and work bag for the following day. I even send special notes in his lunch and thru text just to let him know that I appreciate him and he doesnt appreciate what I do. But in front of others he acts like i'm the love of his life and he cant keeps his hands off of me but the moment we're out of their sight he's right back to normal. His happiness is rulled by money and material things and I am the exact opposite. I know that may of u will ask didnt you know this before you got married? No! I knew he liked nice things but I didnt know he was materialistic and attention needy this way. I dont know what to do. I try so hard to please him but I just cant. whatever I do it isnt enough. The car isnt spotless enough, dinner is late once in three months, his bath water wasn't run on a day when he wanted it and since it isnt ran he now doesnt want it! It never ends..... He recently got a new job as cheif engineer and I found the business card for the admin asst and on the back of it was written another number, such as a cell number. Well a couple of days ago his phone rang and it was that number with the womans initials, the came as from the card. He has a passcode on his phone so I cant look through it. I know that he probably talking to her because he acts really strange when he is at work he barely calls and when we do talk its short and his tone is really sharp and snappy. He always pdoints out negative things about me- your hair is to big, your toe nails r too long, your parfume is to loud, dinner was not that good....... Never a compliment. He's always upset and acting really snappy with me and when I ask hm whats wrong he says nothing. The last job he had it was the same thing he was buddy buddy with the manager and went to lunch and things like that when i told him that wasnt appropriate but he says I dont understand his job..... He works to jobs and all wants to do with his money is buy material things so that he can get attention. He loves to be the talk of the town and he loves making a statement. He NEEDS attention, but no matter how much I give him it isnt enough. He never wants to take me out but he goes out every weekend. I'm so tired of feeling lonely. I just feel like I have a roomate because he only really nice when he wants sex which is only about twice a month. I'm always the one persueing him. He complains that I dont help him with the bills enough but I feel like why should I spend all my money on the bills when u have two jobs and is always out splurging? He has children from a previous relationship that stay 15 min away and I can count on one hand how many times I see them per year. I have no relationship with there mother.
Many abusive, self-centered, narcissistic men show love and affection in public. It is like they put on a show for others. They are getting what they want from their partner though - a subservient person to do their bidding and lavish them with adulation.
I strongly suggest a book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656?tag=itsnome-20&ca...
Why should he pursue you when you're there just BEGGING for attention?? He knows he doesn't have to pay you any attention or compliments because you're there, running his bath and serving his dinner no matter HOW horribly he treats you. And you LET him!!!
Stop it.
Stop running his bath, packing his lunch, serving his food. Stop texting him to tell him you appreciate him, stop begging him for sex. Stop ALL of it.
YOU are letting him treat you this way and YOU need to understand that you deserve to be treated with respect and DON'T settle for less. If he can't man-up and take care of his family, then show him the door. A good marriage doesn't just happen, it's built and nurtured throughout it's duration. And it's not one-sided.
I think you should get yourself into councelling and work on your self-esteem. If you want to, ask him to go to couple's councelling with you to work on your marriage, otherwise just walk away. He sounds like he's sucking the life right out of you and you deserve MUCH better.
Running his bath? Fixing his plate? Really? Girl, I don't mean any disrespect, but you've got to start doing more for yourself and less for him. You are so focused on him and his needs and he sounds like he is doing nothing for you and barely appreciates what you are doing for him. I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor, and if he won't go with you, then you go alone and see what needs to be done to start righting the balance. Find interests for yourself outside of marriage and the kids and running a household that will help you feel fulfilled beyond just being someone's little housewife. You sound more like a servant than anything else. If you knew he was as opposite from you as you say he is, I'm not sure how you didn't realize this or try to find a compromise before you decided to get married. And who is he to criticize your appearance or your cooking or anything else?
"Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." Start standing up for yourself. You deserve better, either from him or from someone else.
Leave... I know it's hard to hear and consider, but this man is not a good husband. If it was JUST the possibility of cheating - I'd say try and see if you can go to therapy together and solve the issue, but it's more than that.
He treats you as a service, an employee he doesn't like very much and by having a passcode n his phone - that is MAJOR TROUBLE!!
You are doing way much for a jerk loser like him, and your children should not grow up in an environment watching Mommy doing what she's doing while Daddy is only mean, rude, disrespectful and takes advantage of Mommy.
Stop doing everything for him!! Your not his maid or servant!! Your his wife and he does not respect you. Does not take you out, but he goes out....hell no!!Before you that While he is at work seek counseling to make you stronger and learn how to deal with this man. Start putting money away in an account that is just yours, have a P.O. box at the Post Office So that mail does not come to your home. Time to make sure you and your children will be taken care of.
Wow, I have to admit, this almost doesn't sound real. Running a bath? Hair too big? Nails too long? He goes out alone weekends in all his spiffy material things?
I'm so sorry to hear all of this, he is being very abusive, and he sounds like he has a bad character to the core. For whatever reason, you were blinded to it at first, but now, you see it. You're only 3 years in, thankfully. You may have been attracted to his success and nice things initially, not knowing the downside to his personality if you didn't now each other long enough before marriage. Everyone makes mistakes.
You can't make him stop focusing on money. You cant' make him stop showing off. You cant' make him be a nice person with down to earth values.
You can take control of your life and stop taking this treatment. For goodness sake don't run his bath anymore at least! If my husband treated me that way, I'd stop making his dinner, and everything else and explain that I'm obviuosly not good enough at anything so I don't want to annoy him with my inferior attempts. Leave a frozen dinner out on the counter for him. Whats he going to do, beat you up? The madder he gets, the worse he looks. Stay calm and hold your ground on respect. If you guys can't work this out, it won't work to be with him, but the longer you try so hard, the longer he'll let you run after him.
Once my husband griped that I had let the recycling pile up while he was away for work (and he's usually pretty nice about chores). But this REALLY irked me, because I was pregnant and had to take 2 toddlers with me to recycle. I had it all rinsed and separated in the garage, out of the way, and it was very easy for him to take it when he got back, rather than my going every week. Also, I was doing EVERYTHING else for the entire house.
I told him I would never again take the recycling, and if he ever made so much as a peep about it, I'd stop taking out the trash too when he was gone and leave that in the garage. He knew I meant it. Now he always takes the recycling-WITH A SMILE- and I still do everything I have to when he's gone.
You have to stand up for yourself. This guy sounds like very bad news. A nicer man would be lucky to have you!
You are WAY too good to him!! I would like a man to treat me like that and I would appreciate him so much. You are such a gem and this man does not even appreciate you. Stop chasing him around trying to please him and just please yourself. You know a lot of times people are trying to draw attention to your faults to cover up theirs. If he is cheating then you definitely don't want to have sex with him. You can mention going to counseling together with him and if he refuses then go by yourself and make yourself strong. You don't need to be anyone's servant.
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Do you have a career? If not, start studding one. Be kind to your self and work out and eat healthy. Start saving money (without he knowing). Avoid the fighting, think it is time for your own grow.
When my ex was being this abusive, I always wondered if he was looking his way out of marriage and he was to coward to just say so (or he wanted to keep apparency).
I wasn't ready to leave, so I prepare myself to leave.
No to long after that I left and guess what, he came to look for me, too late.
Perhaps leaving him is what he needs to see what a big mistake he is doing (no body knows what they have until they lose it) but don't just react out of anger and do things right, because it could also be that he is really trying to get out.
Either way, by you taking care of yourself is a way for you to show him what are you capable and make him decide to change or go, either way you are a strong, independent women with lots of love for either only your kids or finding a men that appreciates you better.
Sounds like he walks all over you. You do so many sweat things for him, but I don't think he does appreciate them as you describe. I would stop doing so much for him. Sounds like you've spoiled him rotten and or he controls you and uses you terribly. Maybe he'll miss you if you stop perusing him. Sounds like you might also be smothering him . Please don't take offense, all we have here are the details you provide, so we can't know. I'm just saying, its kind of what I got from your post. I feel sorry for you because while you know something is off, you have allowed him to get away with things most women would never let their husbands get away with. I don't control my husband, but he would never think to go off and socialize on weekends without me. EVER! Its inappropriate to socialize without your spouse regularly. An occasional guys night out is one thing, but every weekend? Really? Good husbands and fathers don't do that K.. They stay home with their families and take their wives out for dates. But you already knew that. This relationships sounds sick, sad, and wrong. I hope you get the help and clarity you need K.. I feel very very sad for you and wish you the best. I don't even know what to say about the cheating. Sounds like he's the type that would though.
You sound like an amazing wife! I only do these things for my husband because he appreciates them and reciprocates. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You deserve much better than this. I am so sad for you :(
Even if he is cheating, thats not the problem. The issue truly is how you feel and are made to feel in this marriage. I think this is something you can get through, but he is going to have to be willing. I read this book Love & Respect, Dr Emerson Eggerichs, talks about how as women we need to feel loved (so we love the way we need to be loved) and men need to feel respected...lots of great stories and examples that make you go 'ah ha!' I hope that you can read through it and make changes for yourself, remember that you cant change him regardless of how much you 'love' him.
well everyone pointed out all the crazy things you do for him BUT the thing that upsets me the most is that he doesn't see his other children......i wouldn't have married him if he didn't have a relationship with them
he is not worthy of all that you do for him therefore he is not worthy of you.......he is taking you for granted & it may be because you do too much for him.....men like the thrill of the hunt but you are just giving it all to him without making him work for any of it.
