I Think I Need a Marriage Counselor or Even a Sex Therapist! (Sorry 4 the Vent.)

I would love to give you some sound advice... but if you look at my last post, you will see we are in the same boat.

There are plenty of other out there in the same situation from what I gather.

Good luck, and if you find a solution please fill me in :-)

Honey... at the VERY least... what you need is sleep. NOTHING kills sex drive like sleep dep. Absolutely nothing. The body literally shuts down the chemicals that trigger desire (probably because a body low on sleep can't maintain a pregnancy without extreme risk of losing the baby). Starvation shuts off the menstrual cycle out of self preservation, but lack of sleep cuts out desire.

Have you husband only get 5 hours of sleep every night for even 6 months, and his libido would tank as well. Even better put him in stress of only being able to get those 5 hours in spurts. (Stress ups a persons sex drive to begin with... but then it also tanks both the drive and the neurotransmitters associated with lust and desire).

If he wants you in bed, he's going to have to change some things, pure and simple.

BARE minimum that you actually get to get caught up on your sleep.

That would also help with how much respect he's losing from you on a daily basis as you go longer and longer without being able to take care of a basic biological need.

((And if I'm remembering correctly, it takes about 3 months for a person in sustained sleep dep to actually return to all chemical "normals", although even after a few weeks there is marked improvement. But I could be wrong. It COULD be 6 months)).

Sex IS vital (says the person who likes to have sex at least once a day), BUT sleep is more vital. A person can live without sex and be happy. A person can't even live without sleep. 11 days is the laboratory max for absolutely no sleep (although anecdotally people have gone longer), but not long after that... they die. People, however, can go 11 years, even a lifetime without sex.

Reading your post was like deja vu. That was me 5 years ago. And yes, a good marriage counselor saved my marriage. But one of the biggest things that helped me was a comment our counselor made.... Sex Heals.
Even when you don't want to... try. Half way through you will get into it, and afterwards both you and he are happier. And if he is happier with you, then he will want to do more for you, and won't be so resentful... (at least that's how it was for us.) It will start a dominoe effect of love and closeness. Marriage is a give and take. If you're not giving, then it's lopsided. And try to suprise him with a romantic evening... candles, music, no kids and bed. If he doesn't have to beg you... he'll be that much happier. Unfortunately, women usually have to be the ones to make that first step... but the benefits far outlast the bitterness... believe me...

My ex husband and i were like that, except he was the one who didn't want sex. I felt unattractive depressed and angry at him. I started to resent him, and because of that i stopped communicating with him. Some days i couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. I just thought i would give ou a little insight to what your husband may be feeling. Sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a very big part.

How very sad for you. Even you user name is "surviving". Not a very happy life. So your husband works his butt off full time so you can stay at home and take care of the house and kids and only wants some sex in return, wow, that's tough. And he even lets you take a weekly pottery class, which you enjoy, and you still can't bother to sleep with him.

Of course you do the majority of housework, you stay at home, that's what YOUR job is. Your husband works full time so you can do that. You get to go to pottery class for a job well done and husband still gets NOTHING. Its not even like you sleep with him on occasion, it's never, right? I'm sure you are aware of this but if things don't turn around quick for you, you will be finding yourself divorced and fending for yourself.

You don't have insurance so no money for counceling. If you can scrounge up $15, go to the bookstore and buy "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She has some excellent insight on your exact situation and I think if you read it with OPEN eyes and heart, you will see that it may benefit your marriage.

I'm sorry to be so harsh but you are really asking for a divorce. Men don't stick around for NO SEX for very long. I really hope you find something that turns this around for you before its too late, but I really think you need to look in the mirror first. Good luck.

Hello Ms. Surviving...I am afraid I don't hear any positive in your post, not even your user name. After reading your post, I take it you are being facetious with the user name. You have to start by changing some of those things.

I called my husband when I got off work today and he asked how my day was...well it was pretty lousy, so I asked how his was and it was pretty lousy...so we both laughed and decided not to talk about it. You have to find more positive in your life.

As for the sex, if he is asking, can't you just try to be affectionate? Even if you give him a nice back massage or scratch. They say people tell their nail techs and hair stylists everything because of the power of touch. Maybe that will be a start to the two of you getting closer. Even if it puts him to sleep, you are getting that much closer.

Best wishes.

I agree with the posters who say your hubby is angry. He's angry because he's feeling rejected and like he's been demoted.
But you're feeling angry to b/c you feel unappreciated, unasissted, and ignored.
For women, sex starts in the brain. A woman wants to feel loved, respected, honored, appreciated, THEN she's in the mood.
You guys are in a cycle that need to be broken.
I can imagine the stress of having 3 under 5 and hubby may need to man-up and realize he night not get some some weeks.
We have gone periods with little sex and my husband doesn't act like a jerk about it. It's LIFE and LIFE happens sometimes.
I guess I would try to find a counselor that will work with your budget--or a pastor at church maybe?
Good luck!

Talk to him and tell him how you feel - not in a nagging way but as his friend. Tell him that you are exhausted, that you would like some help around the house, that you want conversation with him, that you want him to be connected to the family.... I have been in your situation and it will not fix itself. You need a counselor. Even if you only go once a month, your marriage is worth the investment. All of us moms can play counselor from our computers, but yours is only 50% of the story. You need to get your husband engaged in dialogue and get him to understand that sex for a women is very emotional and mental. Tell him your needs, listen to his and come up with some compromises - this may include you having sex to make him happy and he does dishes to make you happy. Just make sure you identify what is at the heart of your unhappiness.
Good luck,
C.

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. This described my life a few years ago, although I didn't have low testosterone, I just wasn't interested. How can you be when your needs aren't being met? You're overwhelmed, frustrated and lonely! My husband and I went to counseling for years but it really didn't help. Luckily I decided to change things on my own. I started reading tons of books on changing myself. I decided I couldn't do anything about him so I would fix me and make myself happy. It worked and in the process my husband changed too. We are now extremely happy and love our life together. The first book I would suggest you read is The secret by Rhonda Byrne. You can check out my blog and I have a link to Amazon where you can buy the book. I also have a lot of other books on there that helped me. There are also a bunch of marriage websites and courses online you can take. Just posting here shows you care and want to fix your marriage. Don't give up just put in the effort to fix yourself and make yourself happy. Your husband will notice and he'll want to spend more time with you. Just remember it took you awhile to get where you are and it will take some time to repair.

I am a marriage counselor (really, a Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor).
Please call around in your area often counselors will offer a sliding scale lowering their fees based on your income.
Also, may I recommend a few books that are staples in my practice.
5 love languages: This book talks about learning, understanding and meeting you and your partners individual needs for what makes you feel loved.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work (J. Gottman): This man is the top expert in marriages; not just opinions but decades of scientific study. He doesn't focus on what not to do in a marriage. He has spent decades looking at why successful couples are successful and this book focuses not on avoiding the bad behaviors but increasing the positive things that improve relationships.
I wish you well and hope you find peace and contentment in your relationship that you once had.

Here is my advice.
Listen to your husband.
Relax.
Stop fight about sex and start having it with your husband.
Stop complaining about having to take care of your family and start being more thankful for the family you have.

Don't take your husband for granted.
Be sweet to him and give him a reason to turn off the TV.

Stop thinking negative and start lovin all over your husband and you will see how quickly you will go from feeling bad to feeling LOVED and HAPPY.

This is true ~ the more sex you have ~ the more you will want it.

Just go for it.

You're feeling unappreciated, disrespected, unloved and taken for granted.

Your husband is feeling rejected, unwanted, unappreciated and lonely.

Both of you need to meet in the middle. You are WAY too far apart!

Before you go and pay for a counselor, I think you and hubs need a date night. If that is not possible, then plan an evening after all the kids are in bed to talk.

He needs to realize once he starts helping out more, giving you a morning to sleep in, connect more with the family and your kids, you will start feeling that yearning for closeness.

You need to realize that giving him more loving attention, letting him know how attracted you are to him and making love will break down the wall that is between you 2.

Meet each other in the middle and fast!!

I bet you can work on your marriage without an expensive counselor. You should schedule a date night for the two of you. Hire a baby sitter, go to a nice dinner and maybe a walk in a park afterward. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. Talk to each other. You have grown apart because you aren't talking to each other. Put yourself out there. Hold his hand, smile at him, give him the kind of attention you did when you were dating. I bet your feelings of not wanting sex will change after you reconnect with him by communicating. My guess is that he will watch less TV if he sees that you are interested again. Try it once, you really don't have anything to lose.

Besides gettng more sleep, it soungs to me like you and your husband need to take time out together. Set up date nights where you can reconnect emotionally. Talk to him about spending time together at home without the tv. I can't imagine wanting to have sex with somone you've completely lost touch with.

Try to take the initiative. Tell him how you feel, that you want to make things better. Good luck!

I know a couple of moms who have told their husbands, with good results, that the biggest sexual turn-on they could imagine would be their husbands taking on some serious housework. That message seemed to get through.

Riley is right. In the hierarchy of needs, sleep ranks way higher than sex. Until you get a chance to meet that need, your body is not likely to be sexually responsive. And that doesn't mean that sex isn't important.

Now, for the sake of marital harmony, it is usually possible to satisfy a partner's needs without even getting turned on yourself, and that can actually make for a stronger feeling of connection and intimacy for both of you. But that's not going to work too often unless your partner is also willing to put himself out to help meet your needs.

Your husband may not realize this unless you are being quite clear with him what your needs are. Guys don't take hints well – not even my very sensitive, thoughtful husband. He sometimes notices that I'm dropping heavy, obvious hints, and reminds me that whatever it is that I want from him, I'd better be really clear. Otherwise he's just a little too, um, dense to guess.

What about offering a trade-off? What if you promise him half an hour of pure delight (for him, anyway) if he'll let you catch a 3 hour nap while he does three hours of housework and kid-sitting? Then put the kids to bed, light some candles, have a glass of something relaxing, and get close. You might even find some sweet sensations after a good nap.

Therapists do not have a power to tmagicaly turn a lazy and poorly disciplined man into a hard working great daddy/husband type. They will take your money, though.
I found out lately that saying things like "I like it/it was great when you did this (or will do, like turn off TV and have a dinner with us) instead of confrontation will get some things done faster.... Be specific but polite. Say, it is important for me and the kids to get family time when you are home.... Kids would love you to bathe them... While you bathe the kids I can get something else done so we can have some quality time later... along those lines.
Also, share the housework, tell him specificaly what you need. Can you help me to get things out of the dryer/fold/teach the kids to set or clear the table. Do not ask to sleep in, tell him : I am exausted, I am sleeping in tomorrow until such time, you are not to bother me and this is the kids routine and that is what to do and do you have any questions?
Tell him he is setting a bad example for kids by watching TV all the time. All that reading you do for the kids is not going to teach them to love books when they see their daddy glued to the TV.
Right now it is almost like you are against him not together with him so no wonder you do not feel like having sex. Guide him slowly in becoming a better man and reward him with a carrot (LOL). I understand it is hard to fake the desire when there is none, but guidance can be done in the bedroom too...
Good luck.

Hello~ Let me be your counselor for free. It's called life and getting too comfortable with each other. I think you're in the boat with a lot of married couples, some may say and some may not. To me it's easy, if you're in a marriage and want to be married you (he) need to do what it takes, if not, be done. With making a marriage work, you come together for the kids, chores and yes even sex. Sounds like you two need to sit down with NO tv and talk. Let him know what bugs you and at the same time you need to listen to him. We have a rule in our house, when eating breakfast, lunch or dinner NO tv. That way it gives you good quality time with each other and as a family. Now days with two people working and even not working its nice to get help with the chores. Even us stay at home moms want a break sometimes...a little help thats all. If you communicate and help each other everything else will come. And I can only imagine with three kids, chores and work (part time or full time) it's tiring. Easier said than done, right? What do you have to lose? What you're doing now isn't working. If you need to start out by writing him a letter then do so. Ask him to just read what you have to say and you want to sit down and talk to make your relationshiop better. Start there and see what happens. I know there are books out there you could read, but you're best story...what's inside of you.
Also, do you belong to a church? Maybe a priest, pastor or some type of couselor. How abut work? Some offer the first few for free. Good luck to you and I hope all works out. Don't be afraid to take the first step, you may be glad you did. Best Wishes

To echo Jaime M's post... Your husband is angry. And I mean really really angry about living in forced celibacy. He doesn't want to talk to you; he doesn't want to interact with you or be around you; he doesn't want to put on a happy face and pretend to be cheery.

He resents you. You resent him. Y'all are in a sinking ship. Honestly, with 3 kids under age 5, you can't afford to have a failed marriage. If you were to divorce and have to find a job, the cost of fulltime daycare for 3 children would be huge even if split between you and your spouse. (Not to mention trying to get your income to support your individual household too).

You both need to figure out how to communicate and resolve this.

Hi
Try to get some more sleep by going to bed as soon as you can at night.
You are probally just exausted as all us Mommys are(except the few that pretend that they are superwomen.lol)
I find the less sex one have the less one will want it so you need to break this pattern and go for it.Maybe you might enjoy it.
The more sex I have the closer I feel with my husband.Some nights the thought of it seems so much hard work,but once you get started,the feeling afterwards is worth it.Remember that loving warm feeling of being snuggled up in bed after sex.
What I'm trying to get at here is you have to start thinking more positive(without judging you too hard).Re kindle the reasons why you fell in love in the first place.Be nicer to him-the poor guy.There is nothing in your post to suggest that he is a bad guy.Maybe a bit deflated because of the lack of sex he is getting,but not a bad guy.
Go on,put on some sexy underwear,snuggle up and give your hubby some sex.You never know you might enjoy it!!
Sending you all the best.I'm trying to be supportive to you but it does sound you a being a tiny(lol) bit negative,
Good Luck Mama
B.

Hey, I feel, or don't feel;0) the same as you.

I found several counselors who work on a sliding scale. I don't remember the rate, but some were as low as $10.

I would not go to a free church counselor. I thought mine was licensed, but it was NOT the same as a professional license. When he gave me HORRIBLE advice and crossed a line, I could not report him except to the church. Had he been a professional, he would have been in trouble with the state so he never would have told me to marry some older guy in the church. duh

I think you need to sit down and talk and find a better balance. If I was doing all that, I wouldn't have energy for sex either. My husband travels for work, so I am a single mom during the week. All child care, house care, feeding, bathing, driving, etc. falls on me. However, when he is home on the weekends, my husband is beyond helpful. He does whatever chores he can to help out (laundry, dishes, pays bills, etc - he had also gotten me a maid to come in 2 times a month because he realized the typical housework was just too much for one person to handle while taking care of everything else). I also get to sleep in on Saturday. He sleeps in on Sunday. My desire for sex is still there in large part because I am just so appreciative of everything he does to lighten my load.

So sit down with hubby and communicate expectation and how you can meet more on a middle ground. Also, I think the TV should be a big no-no during dinner. Dinner is family time and should not be interrupted by TV (and I'm also a TV addict).

I would suggest checking out the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." While I do not agree with EVERYTHING in the book, it certainly has some good points, will help you understand your husbands feelings a bit, and has some great ideas for you to try. Try it for 30 days (putting your best effort into it), and, if you still feel the same way, set an appointment for a marriage counselor/pastor for you guys to see.

Good luck!

You can find marriage counselors at low or no cost through the United Way and Catholic Charities.
You will both have to work at this, you are both doing things that are harming your marriage. if you have a low testosterone count, you need to start medication to bring it back up. He needs to turn off the tv. You both need to start working as a team. You need date nights, and maybe a sex therapist, if you can't afford one, there are great books out there about how to spice things up in the bedroom (check Amazon, many are very inexpensive).

Retrovaille has done great things for couples, but you have to be able to put aside an entire weekend at the start of the program. It's well worth it if you are willing to do that.

Believe me you are not alone! I thought at first you were describing my life then realized there were some differences there but alot of similarities too. First of all, your husband really shouldn't be shocked at the fact that you are so distant and don't want to have sex because you are doing the grunt of everything. Cleaning the house, caring for the kids, paying the bills and working. What does he contribute into the household? A paycheck right? Yeah most men think that a paycheck should be sufficient enough for us women to give them what they want all the time. He needs to watch the movie FireProof. It's amazing what you get back in return when you decide to put God first in your life and treat your wife more like a treasure rather than a trophy you just take down and dust off periodically. There will be others here to disagree with me and I am not by any means a "femininist" or whatever you call it. I just believe that when two people are together you are a team. A baseball team doesn't win a game because of one person....they win because they all contributed. If my home is a mess I am not the only one that lives there so EVERYONE and that includes my husband that goes to work helps out as well. I work as well and contribute to the income as well but you don't see my sitting there on my butt doing nothing because "I work". I didn't get pregnant on my own either and don't expect to raise them alone either. Like Momma says " Men like a makin em but they sure don't like a raisin em" . Couseling never helped me and my husband and if it did it only happened temporary. My husband is now just stepping up to the plate and doing the things that he should have been doing all along.....but its a little too late. I feel like the only reason he is doing so is because he knows he is about to lose everything. Maybe its genuine but his track history proves otherwise and its hard for me to see past all of that and trust him again. Relationships which I hate to compare it to this but they are like pencils. Once it breaks you can try to tape it, you can try to glue it back together but ultimely the pencil is broken and can't be repaired. Maybe if the pencil has enough of a clear break and you still have enough left to sharpen then maybe but I myself am going to counseling myself to figuire all this out so even if you don't do a couple counseling then go for yourself. Oh and by the way don't let your husband guilt trip you into taking time to yourself. You have children and you are doing the grunt of the work in the house so if you want to take a few hours on saturday to yourself i think its well deserved and shame on him for making you feel otherwise. I mean I can understand how HE might feel such as she doesn't take the time out for ME and I will be honest. If you want this to work you are going to have to take the time out to show him he is still important to you but you sound a lot like me. Why should I make him feel special to me when this act isn't shared? So I am supposed to still do the grunt of everything AND take time out for him and that is supposed to make me feel better how? Maybe I am not the one to be giving advice right now.....wives are supposed to be submissive to the husband but the husbands are supposed to love their wives as much as they love themselves -so who is wrong. I don't know anymore...I tried the love dare book. Maybe it would help with you guys followed up with the movie FireProof??????

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