I realize there are two sides to every story. I will do my best to be accurate and hope to get honest responses from some of you. Maybe even life experiences. I'm at a complete loss with my husband. We haven't been married long but we've had problems for a long time stemming from an unplanne pregnancy and me leaving him to take things more slowly. This was over three years ago. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant and we have since married. Shake your heads. I did think it was for the best. But I did not know that communication and financial problems could bring a marriage to this place. Our financial problems are behind us now, but we ate stillseparated in our finances. Communication between us goes like this: I calmy ask him a question or tell him I'd like to talk about something that's been bothering me. He's instantly on the defensive. He will listen for a bit but then answers back in anger or shuts me out completely. I'm left wonderig what to do with myself. He says I'm dramatic when we have our talks about he and I (lack of sex an affection has been at the heart of most of our arguments with me asking him why hes so distant). I've found when I'm calm. He blows up easily. After he blows up I get angry because I feel like icant talk about something without him getting defensive an shutting down. This is how it always goes. We fight a lot. But I do not try and fight. I try and talk. I've suggested counseling to help better the communication issues. He doesn't want to go. I'm so stressed this pregnancy with all of the fighting and threatening of divorce on my and his part that I was worried at the ultrasound. Thankfully things look alright. We sat down one evening to discuss how this has to change and we made guidelines since he didn't want to see an actual counselor. He said we should always sleep in the same bed after arguing. I said we should address any issues head on as adults without anger and attempt getting over it as soon as possible. He can hold on to things for days. And when I try and be close to him, thinkig all is ok, hr pulls away only to remind me he is still upset. We also have a 2 year old. I am so extremely afraid that these conversations/arguments will take a huge negative toll on him. I am very afraid of this and feel guilt that I didn't take my time with his father. So we are always at a stand still with no loving momentum. I can argue and turn around and be affectionate and allow myself to forgive. He is not like this. He is unwilling to try o be this way. Out latest fight was about Xmas plans. We both agreed we'd only travel perday to one family even if they live an hour apart. Well my famiy plans things late. So plans fell on the same day. I missed going to my family's last Christmas. He said too bad. We agreed. I told him I really want to go. He said it's the first Xmas without his mom. I said it's also the first Xmas without my sister. Both relatives dies within a few months of each other due to cancer. He did not want to compromise and said it was too much traveling. I said ok. We do your family that morning and then my son and I will go to my family's so we can all be happy. I leaned in to kiss him. He jerked away and told me I was wring for changing plans. I was extremely hurt because all of our talking about tryig to compromise has failed. He held on to that anger until the next morning and voila. He's done being angry. It made for another awful night. Fast forward to today. While in clinical (nursing student) he tells me daycare has closed and a friend of his will watch our son. I said ok. I met the friend a few times and it was fine. I get home from clinical and our son isn't there. I ask him where is he. He says he can't get a hold of the guy watching him. I'm obviously upset because as a mom you think all sorts of things. The sitter had left out of town with our son without his cell phone according to his wife when we spoke to her. We had no idea what time he'd be back with our son. Being pregnant my emotions were on overdrive. I was thinking of the worse. Car accidents and such. Hubby then tells me after an hour of worrying that he told the sitter to bring him by around 330pm. I asked him why he didn't just tell me this right away. I still could not get a hold of the man but at least I had a time frame. Our son was delivered in one piece at 320 pm. Hubby then tells me he just told me that so I wouldn't worry as much I was livid that he would lie. We argued in front of our son again. I told him as a parent you are responsible for our son and I do not want someone transporting our kid anywhere without me knowing how he drives let along being able to call that person. Hubby didn't understand the big deal. While I was out of the room with our son he looked through my phone. In the past I have emailed friends for advice regarding him. But he loomed through my phone history and text messages. She saw a message from someone named Ryan. The message said I love you and want to know if you're happy. I said as happy as I can be. Then I sent a picture of my son to this person. Hobby whirled around and called me two terrible names then spit in my face twice. I was at a loss. He wanted to know who the guy was. I said what guy. He said Ryan. Then he got quiet. He said it's tour brother isn't it. I said yes and started bawling. He never apologized. He calmed down instantly. I I'd not want him to take our son this weekend to see his extended family. I wanted to be petty. But I also want to ole for divorce and I mustn't let my feelings for his taint his relationship with our son or the child on the way. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I cause arguments as well. I try and resolve them as adult as possible. But it just never works out. We can be happy for a week and then this. It's like a vicious cycle. I see divorce a the only option. I have never had someone spit in my face let alone a pregnant woman. I'm terribly hurt. But I'm also very resilient. My children may grow up in a broken home but it will be filled with love and peace. When he is not around things go smoother and life is conflict free. The only thing is currently I'm pregnant, working on a BSN in nursing and do not have a job. I am not sure how to proceed legally. How will visitations go? Will I get child support or alimony? I am very worried as I do my have a job and am finishing a dregree. I have a semester left. Will my children be taken from me? I am a good mother. This is the truth. But I made a mistake in marrying this man and having another child with him. Any advice?
"...SPIT in my face...TWICE"?
Oh HELL to the NO!
Sounds like heat have some psychological problems.
You made a mistake. At least twice.
Third time isn't always a charm.
Take card of your kids.
I'd scrub toilets before I allowed treatment like that.
All the best to you.
Sorry, S., but I could only get to "he spit in my face twice" before I had to stop reading.
You have to leave this man. He is not acting like a husband, an equal partner in a relationship. He is acting like a jerk. You are walking on eggshells. (I did read down further. Thank goodness you see your necessary option.)
Talk to an attorney, as soon as you can. You need to get legal advice and get away from him. You may have to defer finishing your schooling, but your children won't be taken away from you.
Do document everything, in a very safe place. Set up a file with a new password if you need to. Delete any calls to/from the lawyer on your phone. Your husband is emotionally abusive. I'm so sorry-- it sounds like you have given things a good try. Spitting in anyone's face is equal to battery, legally.
I don't know that there is a second 'side' here, S.. He refuses to go to counseling, you are capitulating to him on everything and he's still trying to punish you. For what? It sounds like he has a lot of troubles in his own psyche he hasn't addressed. You can only change your own actions, you can't change his. Your kids will be healthier and happier without all of this.
WE haven't heard from you, are you OK?
PLEASE LET US HEAR FROM YOU.
"HUSBAND SPIT IN YOUR FACE TWICE"......Yes you have made a BIG mistake, but everyone makes mistakes. Before Thanksgiving, pack and go to your family.....take 50% of any money and assets that can be liquidated immediately. Rent a storage locker and put as much as possible (that would be consider reasonable in that storage...i.e your child's furniture, washer,dryer, 50% of household items...IF you have time). Get a restraining order (he spit in your face and is violent)....get a lawyer. Degree or not, he has no right to be treating you in this manner. Get away and get a safe place for you, your child and your unborn child asap. You can resume you nursing degree once you and your children are safe and at peace.
SPIT IN THE FACE.....NOT HAPPENING!
Ditto Hazel. You DO have to leave this man. You cannot put your children through this relationship of yours. It's not fair to them to have to live with two parents who simply cannot get along and who do not love each other. Even if you have "some" love for him, he doesn't love you and neither of you act like you love each other. This is no way for children to be raised, S..
Please go to a lawyer and get all of your ducks in a row and just end this thing.
Dawn
I think you need to get a counselor for yourself and an attorney. He will not fight fair. But he's being abusive. If you have to temporarily drop the classes, you do that. A man who spits in his wife's face doesn't have any respect for her. Have respect for yourself.
I just read this whole thing. You will do what you will do, but there are two previous notes and they are suggesting that you leave him (Dawn and Hazel). Sorry, but I agree. From what I have always read from them they are very compassionate, listen to them. When you are a nurse you will take very good care of them financially.If you want to hang in there and complete the nursing situation then do so, but know that you are in agony the whole time. He sounds selfish and self centered. Your children and you deserve better.
S.,
Please take your son and as much money as you can with you and go to the police station. Ask them to call a domestic violence counselor for you so you can get a plan to get out. You can do this!
Does your nursing school have a counseling center? It would be great if you could sit down with a professional. Also, I would make an appointment with legal aid society to find out your legal options. You and your babies deserve more than this! These dynamics sound toxic! Something has to change! Blessings!
S., Hazel and Dawn basically covered everything I would say to you too. Spitting at you is just...so beyond barbaric and disrespectful and disgusting. What kind of person does such a thing? I put up with a lot of BS from my husband but that? That would make me turn and not look back.
I just want to give you a big old cyber hug. It sucks to have to make a decision like this, and even more so while pregnant and with a young child, but I think it's absolutely the right thing to do.
It would be another story if you had a loving marriage in the beginning and his personality changed, or if he were willing to apologize and go to counseling, but to what he has done to you takes a lot of mistrust and derision from him towards you, and you certainly haven't earned those feelings from him.
I applaud you for seeing things how they are and that it's time to cut your losses. Use the counseling center at your school and tread very carefully until you can physically get away from him. Hopefully your family will be able to help you and support you during this transition. Best of luck to you - please keep us posted.
okay, ignore the comment concerning changing your post & breaking it down into paragraphs. That's the least of your concerns.
#1 seek legal counseling.
#2 stop talking/texting others for advice. The more people you drag in.... the more drama in your life. This is your job/choice/decision....& no one else's.
#3 stick to your guns & never, ever feel sorry for your husband. This can come after the divorce....but not now. If you allow feelings towards him, you will reopen the door to more pain.
& here's my reasons as to "why" I am backing you in divorce:
he is immature, volatile in his emotions, & completely without respect for you....& himself. A lack of self-esteem is showing in your words & he is adding to this.
The very fact that he felt he had the privilege to look thru your phone
The very fact that he felt he had the right to spit on you
.....means that the next time, it could be his fists hitting you.
& posting on this forum....also places you in jeopardy: do you really want him seeing this? Peace to you. I wish you Strength & Tenacity.
If you are committed to divorce, find a lawyer and discuss your situation. And, if I were in your shoes, I would seek a female lawyer who may understand your situation at it relates to school, no job, being pregnant, ect...
If you are committed to the marriage, then continue to have conversations about fixing it and forgive him. And understanding that a man wants to feel respected in his home, follow his lead in fixing it, even if you don't agree with his ideas all the time. At this point, you do more in restoring your marriage by giving him respect over doing the right things all the time. Hopefully, with time, he will conclude on his own that you guys need professional help.
I recommend that you make a decision and stick with it. And avoid discussing the topic further with family, other men, and strangers. It does no good, but only gives you a sense of validation as you beat the dead horse.
I'm glad you have decided to move forward. He is very immature and his anger issues WILL. NOT. CHANGE. Stay with that decision to move on. Stop trying to "make up" and be affectionate. Be civil and polite and leave him be. Save money. Do not dwell on his anger etc, it doesn't matter, you're not staying with him. Get a consultation with a lawyer, and ask all your questions. He will have to support you, but it will be a struggle so get as much of a cushion together as you can first.
like victoria, i too had a hard time reading your post, but my conclusion is this - if (when) i was in your position, simple - counseling or divorce. period.
you made the mistake of marrying him - it does NOT have to stay this way. IF HE LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO KEEP HIS FAMILY HE WILL DO IT. if not, walk away.
i don't usually recommend divorce, but it takes two to create a happy healthy marriage. HE NEEDS HELP. if he's not willing to get it, it means he isn't really that interested in preserving his marriage. and you can NOT do it without him.
i don't see any other option at this point. be strong mama. you HAVE to put your foot down and be strong on this. COUNSELING. OR. DIVORCE. (and if he agrees to see someone, he MUST be willing to take a good hard look at himself and CHANGE. most people are not willing to do this. my husband was, so i know it is possible.)
good luck. i really hope he figures out that he's being a miserable excuse for a human being.
Therapy - and if he won't go with you - you go.
N.
