I Need Your Opinions Please - Seattle,WA

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He has told you in no uncertain terms that his desire to gamble is more important to him than building a future for your family.
Gambling is his first love.That's how it is with an addict.
My late ex-husband was an alcoholic. He was married to the bottle, and I felt like the Other Woman. When he died of liver failure a month after our divorce was final, he was living in a halfway house and had been sober nine months - the longest he had ever been sober in the almost nine years that he was a part of my life. Losing his home and hi marriage was his rock bottom, and even then, it took him a while to realize that he had hit. He told a mutual friend of ours not long before he died that while he had not wanted the divorce, and did everything he could to convince me not to go through with it, that in all honesty, my putting him out of the house had saved his life.
Sometimes walking away is not only the best thing for you, but also for him.

If your husband doesn't want to stop gambling and doesn't think it's impacting his life then he's not going to stop and he'll continue to pour his money down the drain. You need to get counseling for yourself so you can figure out how best to address this - an ultimatum perhaps? Get help for your gambling or I will leave and take our son with me. Expect he will be angry and will not deal well with it since he knows deep down he's addicted to gambling but he'll blame you for upsetting "everything" (his life). Begin saving money now, keep your eye out for an apartment of your own that you can afford. Don't assume that he'll pay child support since he has a money problem called conpulsive gambling. Try to find and save evidence of his gambling habit - it may help you secure direct child support (not sure how that would work but it would never work without proof). You should consider consulting with an attorney now - so you can begin to line things up.

Your husband won't stop gambling unless he really loses everything that is important to him. I know mature women in their 70s and 80s whose husbands gambled until the day they died or if they're alive they're still gambling. This won't go away and you need to decide how you want to live.

Why not call the gambling hotline and see if they have any resources for spouses. Some psychologists would say you have a co-dependent relationship - which means you have a deep-seated need to help other people who are destined to not be helped so you are always in this cycle of being needed. I don't know your situation - so I can't answer whether or not that's an accurate reflection of who you are. Only you can answer that after some self-examination. If that's the case then consider some cousneling towards that end - so you dn't end up with another person for you to "help" or "fix".
People CAN change - so it's not impossible for your husband to change. He won't do it until he can see his world crumbling - which may happen if he loses his son and you. Be prepared for that and decide how you will handle that and what your standards will be (e.g. no gambling, allowing you to handle all the money, etc.) if he says he'll stop gambling and he wants you back. Also be prepared for him to decided he loves gambling more than his wife or son. Addicitons are strong and many a person has thrown away relationships with people they love in order to keep their addiction. There is nothign wrong with you - unfortuatnley you hasband has a broken part of his brain.

Good luck mama - you ahve a long haul in front of you but I've never heard someone say they wished they had stayed with their addicted spouse. Contrary they usually say they should have left sooner...

Finally - pray. God does care about the details of your life. Just talk to Him as if he's in the room next to you - He is.

save your money.
get your own place.
get out.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Quite a few points here.

First of all, your husband is squandering your family money and your son's future. You love your son so much, yet you are permitting his future to be jeopardized because you feel powerless.

You are living in your inlaws' apartment and you are putting money into redecorating it - but dressing up your surroundings isn't improving your life. So I think you have to stop that right now. It's not a good use of your money when the money stream is so tenuous.

You work full time and you have a child, yet you feel that, if you left, you would leave with just a back of clothes? Why? Why wouldn't you feel that you were entitled to a lot more, like half the furniture and possessions? Are you unclear about the law, or is there some threatening behavior by your husband that makes you think he will try to prevent you from having what is rightfully yours?

I think you need to do several things immediately. You need to tell your husband that this is unacceptable, and that you want him to get help with his addiction. If he says "I can stop anytime I want to" you can reply, "Obviously not, or you would have. Or you don't want to, which tells me that our son and I are pretty far down on your priority list." Get some legal advice, now. You need some financial advice, starting with putting a huge chunk of your salary in an account that doesn't have your husband's name on it. You need to start stockpiling some savings to give you a nest egg. You say you invested in new doors and windows, but those aren't investments if you don't own the home! They are cosmetic changes only, a place that you spent your money with no expectation of any financial return on them. And those don't pay the bills or make you happy!

If you do have to leave, you can't leave with nothing. If your husband will agree, have some of his paycheck diverted immediately into a household account for paying the bills so he can't gamble it all away. But you need to know what your legal rights are and what the expectations will be for child support from your husband. You will probably have to have the department of revenue garnish his wages and have them deposited into an account for your son's benefit, since any money your husband gets his hands on directly goes for gambling.

Get some help for your depression. Maybe having some control over your finances will help, but you need to have someone you can talk to to help you prioritize your goals and needs.

You can't always tell from looking at other people whether they are happy or not, so don't make assumptions about their finances or devotion to each other. Focus on what you know to be true: you are not happy with your husband the way things are now, you have no investments or security, and you feel completely stuck.

You are turning 30 - it's a good time to reassess the dreams you had in your 20s, and to realize which ones have not come true. Establish your priorities, put your son first and yourself second, and your husband third. If your husband will get help, great. If he won't, you have to protect yourself and your child.

Start saving your own money. Don't spend it on frivolous decorating etc.

Don't buy anything with him.

You can't make him stop gambling.

I think you should leave when you have enough money saved. And by leave, I mean file divorce, not necessarily physically leave if you and your son are comfortable there. Don't put yourself in financial jeopardy whatever you do. He does have to support you guys even if you file. But you still need your own stash since a gambler will never be a reliable support.

His gambling addiction rules his life and until he sees that as a problem (if he ever does) - you are not going to be able to have a home.
Talk to a women's shelter, make your escape plan, save up some money (hide it from him - don't let him access to your bank account or credit cards), talk to a lawyer, get full custody and get divorced.
You can try for child support but if he gambles everything away he might not be much help.
After that it's just a matter of living within your means, saving your money and eventually you should be able to save up to buy your own place.

Everyone before me is absolutely right in telling you that you need to A. start to safeguard your money in a separate account so that you have *some* savings and B. DEAL with the gambling issue first and foremost.

Buying real estate with a person you are unsure about staying with is NEVER a good idea. Put aside your dreams of decorating a home of your own for now and figure out what's to be done about your marriage first.

I can tell you right now that buying a house with a gambler and spousal abuser won't magically make your marriage happier. It would be the worst mistake of your life to A.) buy a house with him and B.) not use ironclad birth control from now on and C.) refuse to attend marriage counseling.

Your husband's anger issues need to get under control and he must stop gambling. You should consider attending a Gambler's Anonymous meeting in your area. If he won't go then you need to go.

The problem in your marriage is not the decision to stay or leave, or spending money decorating.
The real issue us his gambling.
Until that addiction is treated, nothing will change.
Left Ali e, your life will be the same or worse in 1, 5, 10 years.
Nothing will change until the gambling addiction is addressed.
Your In laws are enabling him by giving him free rent.
Good luck.

This sounds awfully familiar... You must have posted this before under another name. I'm going to tell you now what I told you then:
Get your ducks in a row and get out!
Save some money in your own account. Separate your income and credit from his.
Get your own place to live.
Get an attorney and file for divorce.

Your son deserves better. Husband's anger and gambling? I'd get out of the situation.

Does he think his parents are just going to give you guys the place? Can't imagine putting new windows into a house that was not mine.

If you leave with only a bag of clothes you will have only wasted a small portion of your life. Plus, it's not wasted you got your son out of this mistake and you learned some life lessons - don't marry a guy that sucks!

What are your dealbreakers? What things are enough to walk away? For me addiction is on my list ... that includes all kinds of addiction such as gambling. I would be walking away, physically and financially. Maybe on a temporary basis while help was sought but it seems he does not want said help. So, because I decided long ago what my relationship dealbreakers are I would sock away some funds and have an escape plan. If you are financially okay then move out, take your son and tell your husband that once he seeks help for his gambling problems you will give the marriage another shot, until then you are legally separated and then with in 6 months if treatment efforts are not made file for divorce. I can not tell you what is best for you - but that is what I would do.

M.,
I personally don't think I could live /be married to someone who has the issues you mentioned. Yes , we all have bad days ,and may say things on occasion that aren't appropriate, because we are human and normally we say them out of anger. But, we usually regret or feel bad about it and try to make it right. If he does this as part of his anger issue and refuses to seek help, I wouldn't stay with him. He's teaching your son all the wrong things which could and most likely will, affect him in his life in negative ways. As for the gambling and he doesn't want to stop, he has an addiction, like any other addiction, he needs to want the help to stop and then get it. If he doesn't want to stop I would make it very clear, that he has a choice, his wife and child or his gambling. You can't allow him to drag you down and jeopordize what you already have, and trust me, it will happen. You already have a job , that's half the battle of making it for you and your son. If you needed help, you have options you may not have right now, daycare assistance,housing assistance,etc. I wouldn't leave everything you already have either, you have a right to provide your son with a comfortable home and you worked for as much as he did,why give it all away? Decide what your priorities are and move forward. Just be realistic in knowing, it may not be easy but, you can do it and you and your son are worth it. I can say it because I have been there and I had 3 kids. Nothing is impossible ,if you want it bad enough ! Best of luck to you, C. s.

He has an addiction, and until he is willing to admit that he has an addiction and is ready to get help, there is nothing you can do. It has to come form him. Some people say that an addict needs to hit rock bottom before they will seek help. 'Rock bottom is a different place for each person, but he has to come to a point in his life where he says, "I don't want this life."

You should go to an Alanon meeting. Alanon is for the family and friends of an addict. Going to a meeting could be huge for you! It would give you a chance to talk to other people who love an addict, other people who can help you understand what is and what is not withing your control.

You cannot control your husband, and chances are until he is ready to admit that he has an addiction, he is not going to choose you and your son over his addiction. He needs to go to a gambler's anonymous meeting. You can suggest this, but he has to want it for himself - not for you or your son - he needs to need it for himself.

My husband is an alcoholic in recover - hasn't had a drink in over 25 years. But i didn't know him until he had been sober for almost 15 years. I don't know what you're going through, but I do wish you all the best.

I don't really understand your question.

You don't need to own a house in order to decorate it. We rent, and I've always decorated, and I've had fun with it. So it's possible to have fun decorating a rental.

Your problem is financial issues in your marriage and your husband's gambling. Good luck with that, I don't have a solution for you.

Welcome to mamapedia!

Your husband has an addiction. He needs to attend Gamblers Anonymous. Do you have them there in the UK? (I say UK due to spelling and using "FLAT" instead of apartment. However, you aren't consistent with it...soooo who knows!!)

Do NOT make threats you have no intentions of keeping. If you make decent money - enough to leave - you need to ask yourself - are you better off with or without him. NO ONE can answer this question but you.

He has told you that he puts gambling ahead of you and your son. As you told him of a future you could have (buying your own place instead of renting) IF he would quit gambling.

So you need to decide if your marriage is salvageable and if you want to fight for your marriage and family. Again - no one can make that decision but you.

Seek out a counselor for yourself. Ask your husband to try a marriage counselor. If he declines - then you need to make the decision...stay or go.

If you decide to go. Have a plan in place. Set money aside for your new place - find a lawyer/solicitor and find out what your rights are - what you can and cannot do - you don't want him to be able to charge you with abandonment, etc. So talk with a lawyer/solicitor to find out the laws.

Good luck!

You have two problems in your marriage. First, your husband has a gambling and anger issue. He need to address those in order to be a good husband and partner.

The second problem is that you aren't fully committed. If you're thinking about leaving... then you aren't 100% willing to stay. And that means you aren't investing your whole self in making this marriage work. I can understand why you aren't if your husband is gambling away the money you both spend.

Can you at least start putting aside some of the money you make so that it's not available for your husband to gamble?

If you're living rent free at his parents and only have normal bills on top of that and you don't have enough money to get by then how do you think you're going to afford a house payment? At least living there they won't toss you guys out the door if you don't make the house payment.

Now, if you do go buy a home and then get a divorce who's to say he won't end up getting it in the divorce? He might even get custody and you have to pay child support. IT's happening more and more.

If you are really thinking that buying a house will suddenly make you happy and life all better then you need to sit down and open your eyes. It's not going to fix anything. It's only going to make things worse when you have to move out of it in a few months because you can't afford the payments all by yourself.

Until he gets help for his addiction you can't do anything. Having a house of your own will not fix anything. It will make things worse.

Why aren't his parents living in their home? Where are they? They've been gone for 5 years? Do they plan on leaving this home to you and your hubby in case they pass away? What is the long term plan? WHY are you living in THEIR home?

If they plan on leaving this home to you and hubby at some point they why do you not think of it as your own now? Do they say they're going to kick you out? Is it a tiny place that is not sufficient?

The main thing you need to address is the gambling. He's an addict.

Stay where you are and open a private savings account. Set aside a little money every time you get some that he won't miss. Don't turn to it even if the electricity is going to be shut off. He can't know it's there at all. This is the only way you will ever have enough security to leave him.

This money would give you the independence you need to have before you can successfully start a new life on your own with your son.

Updated

If you're living rent free at his parents and only have normal bills on top of that and you don't have enough money to get by then how do you think you're going to afford a house payment? At least living there they won't toss you guys out the door if you don't make the house payment.

Now, if you do go buy a home and then get a divorce who's to say he won't end up getting it in the divorce? He might even get custody and you have to pay child support. IT's happening more and more.

If you are really thinking that buying a house will suddenly make you happy and life all better then you need to sit down and open your eyes. It's not going to fix anything. It's only going to make things worse when you have to move out of it in a few months because you can't afford the payments all by yourself.

Until he gets help for his addiction you can't do anything. Having a house of your own will not fix anything. It will make things worse.

Why aren't his parents living in their home? Where are they? They've been gone for 5 years? Do they plan on leaving this home to you and your hubby in case they pass away? What is the long term plan? WHY are you living in THEIR home?

If they plan on leaving this home to you and hubby at some point they why do you not think of it as your own now? Do they say they're going to kick you out? Is it a tiny place that is not sufficient?

The main thing you need to address is the gambling. He's an addict.

Stay where you are and open a private savings account. Set aside a little money every time you get some that he won't miss. Don't turn to it even if the electricity is going to be shut off. He can't know it's there at all. This is the only way you will ever have enough security to leave him.

This money would give you the independence you need to have before you can successfully start a new life on your own with your son.

I am sorry you are dealing this. Have you told your husband what you want and your dreams for your family? If you don't want the same things you will seriously have to consider if you can make your marriage work. For what it is worth... I don't think I could be married to such a selfish man. A man that takes money from his family to support an addiction is just not a man I would want to be married to. Best of luck.

You are right, you will never have the material things you want with this man because he will gamble the money away. He has anger issues so you can't talk to him about making a plan for your future. Look at your little boy and decide what is best for him, then proceed with your own plan.

If the question is should you stay or should you go, that is something you need to answer for yourself. Perhaps explore through counseling. If your DH has a gambling addiction, that is as serious as drugs. You need to know how to protect your assets, especially if he will blow through them. You need to get help for yourself and then you can decide what you need to do for yourself and your son.

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/gam-anon-help...

We just moved over the summer to another rental home. We were in our last one for five years and will likely be in this one at least as long and may even try to buy it eventually. However, we have ALWAYS put money into our rental homes. In fact, this house didn't have a built in microwave so we asked if we could put one in and we did at our cost. I'm also adding a bunch more plants to the yard and some other things to make it more homey for us. Now I would not paint the entire house or replace all the windows, put in a pool or things like that, that is stupid. But I think you have bigger problems than wasting money on a house that isn't yours. The gambling issue is something you need to get under control asap. Maybe YOU take over paying the bills, make sure they are paid on time, collect money from your husband for his "share" and start stashing away YOUR money because it sounds like you will need it for the future when you leave. Maybe check into Dave Ramsey.com. Good luck.