I Need Some Advice

Sometimes being the only person around, it gets too much when they start to misbehave and it's easier to ignore than to address because it's just too overwhelming. The problem is that she knows it. Three is the age where they are purposefully looking for their boundries, looking to see where their world ends. Unfortunately, that means that you have to consistently and repeatly show her what's inappropriate. After a while, she will know the line and when not to cross it. The only way for that to happen is for you to set limits. If she gets fresh, you must use the same method each time at the same point of her behavior. If she knows that sometimes she can say something five times and another ten, she's not going to learn that line, only that she can push with success. It'll take a while for her to learn so don't expect immediate results, it's a very long process.

Do you feel like you don't know your child anymore? My daughter who turned 3 in August was the same way. Its something that happens at this age. She would be so nasty and fresh to me. I would be so shocked; I didn't know even how to respond. Sometimes I would be nasty back which obviously didn't work because she would through it right back. Its important to have a third party to interverne and say its not okay to talk to your mother that way. Mostly I take her out of the situation and we go and sit and talk on the couch. I explain to her how it makes me feel when she talks to me that way and I ask her how she feels if I talk to her that way.And that is not okay. If shes not ready to talk, then I leave the room until she is ready to talk. And I tell her that but she can't watch a show or play with toys. She can have her giraffe for comfort. Keep in mind she gets your attention when she behaves this way. So make sure you spend some quality time with her of things that she wants to do. Play dress up, computer game or reading books etc. I find that its getting much better. You must be consistent. Its not easy! Good luck!

Hi J., it's so hard when you're trying to discipline your way, and your parents want to discipline their way. Her attitude may stem from the fact that she's confused, and doesn't know how to react, so she gives you an attitude, which translated means " I need hard and fast guidelines here. You're doing one thing, and grandma, and grandpa are doing another ". You MUST sit down and talk with your parents, and come-up with a list of rules that you all stick to, or else down the line, your daughter may grow-up not respecting any form of authority. She needs to understand that her attitude is not acceptable behaviour. At age 3, children start to flex their muscles, and feel their way through, and if allowed, they can become quite manipulative. You must nip this in the bud now. Perhaps taking away a favorite toy from her for awhile, until she shows you respect, and behaves properly might work. Be firm, but loving. make her do some things for herself. I'm a mother of four, and have a 6-month-old grandson. Perservere, and she will change eventually, when she realizes you mean business.

J.,

First, I would not do everything for her. Let her help you with some things. Cleaning up her toys, pulling the covers back on her bed, help putting her clothes on, getting her shoes or getting the juice bottle from the fridge if it isn't too heavy. I did almost everything for my oldest son and when he started kindergarten, the teacher made a comment to me about how dependent he was when he first started school. We worked on things and now it is amazing to me all he can do. I have my 4 year old do a lot more at his age than his brother did and it helps to make him feel like a big boy.

Second, what do you mean by you "tried to set down your ground rules with them"? You have to set boundaries and your parents and you both have to stick to them. If you give warnings and then don't follow through, she is going to know that and your warnings will be worthless. It takes a long time to break a bad habit or to start a good one and a very short time to break all the good habits down.

What do you do when she disrespects you? Do you take something away? Give her a time out? Do you lose your temper? That is a big thing. I have a friend who constantly tells me she doesn't know how I have so much patience with my sons. I don't raise my voice unless I have to. I want them to listen to me because that is what is important to them and not because mommy reached a certain decibal. It starts early. What you are doing now sets the ground rules for her behavior and respect for you as she gets older.

Set your boundaries and make sure everyone involved in her care especially you sticks to them. If my children ask for something without using manners, they are told "nobody in this house responds to that". They know that means they have to say it again using their manners and they can't just throw a "please" out there. They have to say the whole thing because we want them to remember how it sounds to say it correctly with manners.

I wish you the best and if you ever want to email me, feel free.

hi J., 3 is tough... i would go back and read amys advice again, every word, it was gooood. and remember that when you do all that, you have to keep doing it, results are not quick or permanent. she is doing her job, trying to become more independant. you have to do your job. it can be exhausting, stay strong. i also want to add to amys advice- positive reinforcement is just as effective as negative. you need both. try to "catch her" being good whenever you can. praise and reward her, with very specific praise. not "good girl", but rather "you make me so proud when you say please/use your fork/listen to me the first time i tell you/whatever..." and be genuine with a big smile and a hug. and the more you can be on the same page with your parents, the better, YOU are her parent. but i know that can be a whole other can of worms.... best of luck to you, D.

Hi J. in what ways is your daughter acting out? When my daughters father and i split two years ago she was five and didnt understand any of it which she shouldn't but she acted out towards me because now i had to work to support myself and her. So i think it was because i wasnt around as much and i had to make special time for just me and her maybe you should try that with your daughter make one night or even two whenever you have time to be your special day for the two of you whether it be that you play a game watch a movie or even cook dinner together or make cookies let her pour and measure the ingredients she will have fun and she will also be learning my daughter is now seven and this is something we will still do together because i have to work two jobs so i have to make the time to spend with her.

Whoever gave the term terrible two forgot about 3's. For me my son is much more difficult at 3 than 2. i have been going through the same fits of attitude with my 3 year old son. He is extremely bright and just started yelling at me and saying very rude things to me, as well as being very difficult with everything. And only me. I am a stay at home mom and he never gives it to my husband. Maybe once and a while. But my husband gets it to stop immediately. I finally found something that seemed to work. I sat down with him one day and told him that he needs to be nicer and lose the attitude. Then I told him every time he begins to get mouthy and talk back (his talking back had gotten really bad) he was going to go into time out. The form of time out I started also worked great. He now must sit in a corner and face the corner until I say he may get up. There is no talking no turning around or playing with toys in the time out corner. I also had to be sure I was always firm and consistent no matter how tired i was. I also have a 20 month old who is also demanding of my time and attention which I think also added to my son's annoyances.

So just sit her down and talk to her in an adult tone like she is your equal (you need her respect and talking at her level is a good way to get it).Tell her what she is doing and how she is acting is wrong and upsetting to you and this is how it is going to go from now on if it continues. I started to notice a change after a few days. But just make sure you are consistent. You have to point it out every time she does it and always follow through.

3 year olds have attitudes. Girls have attitudes. She could just be behaving typically. It is your job to correct that behavior.

Next time she gives you that bad attitude you tell her in a firm "I'm serious" voice that what she is doing is not ok and the next time she does it she will be disciplined.

You need to figure out what form of discipline to dish out. Take a favorite toy away, sit in a naughty spot for 3 minutes, go to her room & no playing, etc. What ever you choose it is IMPORTANT to tell her the consequences of her actions. "If you do that agian I am going to take your doll away and you will NOT get it back until you use your manners." You need to be consistant. Every time she does it you need to follow through with your threat.

NEVER make a threat that you will not carry out.

You also mentioned that you do everything for her. This may be part of the problem. A parent needs to teach a child respect, responsibility, independence, & self-control and being overly permissive does not help her. You need to set limits and say no. If she wants a doll, you say no. If she wants a cookie before dinner, you say no. Let her throw a fit but stick to your guns.

You are her mother NOT her friend.

Good luck!

A.

First, it sound like your 3 years already knows how to push your "buttons". the more frustrated you get with her the more she will attempt to get the Negative attention. Take opportunities, small ones for 5-10 minutes of spending quality time such as coloring, reading a book, or playing a silly game. Throughout the time, tell her how good she is and how you love the way she colors, plays etc. Teach her how to recieve positive attention. This takes a few weeks, but is a behavior modification plan that is proven to be successful.

Second, it is very hard to discipline your child if your parents are not willing to help enforce the rules. You have a difficult situation. You will have to determine which rules are health, safety, or manners related and then discuss with your mom. It is hard, as my mom was very strict but now that she has grandchildren she allows them to do things that I was never allowed to do. I would sit down with your parents and determine which rules they will be able to follow. Again, some rules should be firm when it comes to safety and manners. Others, consider to negotiate with them and pick your battles.

Good Luck-