I Need Help with a Clingy 1 Year Old

I agree with Mary B (below). My daughter was always clingy. She wanted me to be with her or near by. She could be very brave if I was with her. If she was sick or teething she wanted to be held constantly. This is pretty normal behavior. I recommend the book ‘Attachment Parenting’ by William Sears M.D.
My daughter did have a hard time adjusting at the start of kindergarten. Since I did not send her to preschool this was the first time she was away from me for such a long time. However, she is now a happy first grader. She is confident and resilient.

I would say hang in there. There not little for long just enjoy the time she wants to be with you. She will get over it in time.

This is not at all unusual for a one year old. What I did when my sons were that age was to keep one of the baby carriers (backpack kind) in the house. You would be amazed at how much you can get done with the baby back there. You can cook, vacuum (when my younger one was 18mos, he would try to get the vacuum out - he enjoyed that so much), etc. You'll also be amazed at how content they will be playing on their own after they get some time up there. Babies have a natural instinct to be close to their parents - you can nurture that or try to thwart it. My experience was that when you nurture that instinct (look up "Attachment Parenting") the kids grow up to be extremely self confident and independent in many things (it sounds like the opposite would happen, but when you show them that they are important to you, then they will feel important). My younger son (12) still has a high need for closeness - he wants to cuddle on the couch at nite before bedtime, but when he's at school or with his peers, he is the most independent child you could imagine. I could give him a map of the New York city subway system and $20 and he would be able to manage on his own for a day and then come back and want to share all his experiences with me.

I'm not saying your daughter is the same as mine, but mine was like that till well into elementary school and she was eventually diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. There is therapy for it, and if I'd known I would've gladly taken her when she was younger rather than when we got a "diagnosis" at age 10.

She left marks on my arms from holding on so tightly when she was little.

Sometimes it can be spoiling the child, and sometimes it can be something else, like with my daughter.

My 14 month old is doing the same thing lately. He has been really fussy. When I am making dinner, he is clinging to my legs and I have to walk from the refrigerator to the stove, etc. with him attached to my legs. When I am able to, I hold him on one hip for awhile but he is too heavy to do that for long. And when I am holding him, sometimes my back starts to hurt. So, I will go sit down on the couch with him but that makes him mad. For some reason, he wants me to stand and hold him....I don't get it?! Anyway, I'm pretty sure he is teething so I am hoping this doesn't last long :) I sympathize with you. Hang in there!

My daughter's 16 months old and was extremely clingy, like yours, until she began walking around 14 months. Then she began acting like a new kid. She occasionally reverts when she's sick or teething but by and large, she's far more independent and we're all happier. (And really, I know years from now we'll say, "Why didn't we enjoy holding them more?" but it's hard when you can do nothing except one-handed work.)

Hey H.,
My Daughter was very similar to your 1 year old - she never wanted me to put her down and I couldnt get anything done. Im not sure if your baby is in good health but I know for my daughter she had a lot of trouble with health very early. Lots of ear infections, pain in her neck from a condition called torticaulos (not sure if that is spelled right) etc. Anyway, I thought a lot of times she was just being clingy but she really was just needing comfort because she was uncomfortable and unable to deal with it on her own. Do you think that your child could be having any trouble? I regularly take my daughter to a chiropractor to be adjusted (its nothing like how an adult is adjusted). It sounds crazy but when her spine is out of alignment she experiences discomfort and her immune system doesnt work properly. I am happy to say with the adjustments and some other things we did to make sure she got better she is much more independent now at 18 months. During her clingy times I just tried to come to terms with the fact that the housework would get done when I could get to it. I did however strap her to my body with a mya wrap sometimes and do housework with her on my back. I really think the fact that I tried to comfort her first and drop what i was doing really has made her more secure. Sorry this is so long but I really hope that it helps. Hang in there.

I hear ya!!! My daughter is sooo clingy. I look forward to reading the responses.

My daughter did that to me and sometimes still at 6 years old will get clingy with me. What i did was asked a good friend and sometimes my mom to come to the house a few days a week for about an hour or two. I would go run erands for the both of us and this seperation was good for her. She would scream like crazy I could hear her all the way in the garage as I was getting in my car. The first time I didnt go anywhere I just drove down the street and cried feeling guilty and frustrated. I then realized that she is safe, she is not hurting, and my friend or mother love her so I had to toughen up. She would start to cling as soon as someone walked through the door and I would have to peel her off me Literally. Ater a few times of constant crying ( I have great friends) she would cry and then be happy while I was gone. She then would start crying again as soon as I walked through the door. Once she realized I was coming back and that her crying was not making me stay she got better. ( sometimes I would bring back an ice cream or a little book to surprize her) I have always been blessed to have quality and quantity time with them so I Had to talk myself out of letting her make me feel guilty. I am sure you will get plenty of points of view, but I will tell you from experience my 6 year old is health emotionally and we have a wonderful relationship. (Don't be afraid to put her in her playpen she may scream but if you always pick her up she knows how to get her way and she will do it). As a mother I knew my childrens different crys and when I could tell she was fussy because of her teeth then I tryed hard to soothe her. One last tip I always talked to them saying "nonono mommys not going to going to pick you up your ok, and I am right here. I love you I am proud of you, your a good girl, but I am not picking you up. Hope that helps You just have to be willing to wait out the screaming...sometimes even rewarding her with something. good Luck its a tough age but yet so fun.

H.-

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you are going to have to let all housework, etc. go and sit down and give your daughter the attention she is needing right now. I went throught this with my son somewhat recently (and he just turned 3) it seemed the more I tried to shake him off and get stuff done the needier he got. Finally, one day I just sat on the couch with him and we watched a movie together and I held him and gave him my (almost) undivided attention. It actually worked wonders and it was kinda nice for me too after I just gave in and let the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. go. All that will still be there tomorrow. :-)

Try to give her some very special "mommy-me" time that doesn't have a limit set on it. Once her needs are met it will be easier for her to let you do what you need to do.

Good luck!

Hi H.,

I agree with Penny M. While it can be frustrating (really), it is best to sit down and give them some quality time. With my son it didn't work right away... he usually cried when I got up to do some things afterwards, but eventually, it set a routine and he will began to look forward to that time.

The playpen idea is good too. I tried it, but I couldn't handle the crying and screaming. My son could cry for hours! Anyway, you just have to figure out what works best for your child. Best Wishes.

When I first heard this advice I felt terrible about even thinking about trying it, but after I did, things got much better for me and my now 6 (fairly independent) year old daughter. Here is the advice: I bought one of those pretty big play yards ( 6 feet in diameter ) that I could put her in and and then put a bunch of baby safe toys in there, some water, and put her in there so that she could play alone SAFELY !! It took a while for her to adjust, lots of screaming, but I would talk to her and let her know that she was alright and that I was right there. There were times that she would throw her water into the play area and WANT in. Not at first, but it did get better. After a few months I would take one of the panels out and she would just walk in ALONE...
You can find one of these play yards at Babies R Us...
Best of Luck!
T.

She needs to go to a neighborhood day care for part of the day and learn to be social.

No offense, but that last comment was mean about getting your kid into daycare to "learn to be social." That has nothing to do with your home and family setting!
My son went through this phase too, and it was so frustrating. I think it happens because they are starting to learn their own independence from you, which can be frightening for them. The good thing is that this is just a healthy phase which will pass! Not every child goes through this phase to that extent, but mine sure did!
The only way I was able to peel him off of me was to get him involved with whatever I was doing so that way he could be in the same area. Usually pots and pans and wooden spoons to bang with worked while I was cooking or anything in the kitchen. And with laundry he loved to pull the clothes out of the dryer or put the clothes in the washer (if you have a front-loader) and he climbed in and out of the hampers. But sometimes you just have to let it all go and live in a not so kept house and even trust your husband to make dinner!

Basically you have to keep multi-tasking, even when playing with your other daughter. Just try to keep her involved and eventually she'll lose interest in tugging at your pants. You won't be able to "teach" her how to have fun without you - it's just because you're the most awesome person in the world to her, and she's going through a scary stage because she's realizing that you are two seperate people, which is why she is craving you!

H. have you tried mother's day out program I hear that sometimes these help solve the problem

the child may be feeling some security issues. Afraid she will loose you....
- enjoy the love and attention- they will drift away soon enough
-pushing awaywill only make the child more insecure but giving her firm secure hugs & time will increase security.
-to complete the cure-ONLY after affirming the security, finds something the child enjoys or even better someone the child enjoys being with & give her the time w/you present to see she may enjoy playing w/the friend as a companion more than the mommy time (this will affirm that she Wants personal time also) &/or something preferred to play with alone.
-be warned-- you will feel a loss even though it is what you wanted... it will be the beginning of finding others to focus on and the stretching away from the bond. blessings in teaching your children & in finding God's peace in training, shellyn

I have a almost 13 year old and a 9 year old. Enjoy this while you can because it only comes in spurts and now that my children are more independant, I wish I had those times back. I know its annoying at the moment but just remember, it is just a moment in time and it will pass all too soon. Pick her up and love her, someday they won't want you too. Enjoy your life, you only get one chance at it. God Bless!

Hi H.,

I understand what you're going through! My youngest will be 2 at the beginning of March, and he is clingy every day when he wakes up in the afternoon. Hanging on my legs, fussing, crying, "I hold you Mama". I have found that if I just hold him and put everything else on hold as well, he does so much better. I sit with him and snuggle with him when he wakes up. It's just part of his personality - he needs a little more time waking up and more touching/attachment time. It's hard when there's dinner to get done, laundry to be folded, my oldest (almost 5) needs time too, etc., but I know I will never regret slowing down and giving him what he needs. It will only make him more secure!

You mentioned you and your husband being laid off (I'm so sorry!) - it might be that the changes around the house are affecting her. Think about anything else that's different - have you weaned her recently? She may be feeling the uncertainty of what's going on around her and this is the only way she can express herself. I agree too with what Carissa said about her growing independence. She may also be going through a growth spurt, teething, just learned a new skill like walking - things like that always have an affect on little ones.

I don't agree with making her cry and scream by herself - it will only serve to make her more insecure and will probably feel wrong to you. Again, Carissa's suggestion to get a sling is a good one - you will both be happy!
Hang in there!
K.

Have you tried a sling carrier? They make them for toddlers (not just newborns), and REALLY help out when you want to get things done, but your child just wants to be close to you. They allow both of your hands to be free while still having the child up against you, so it helps out if you need to cook, clean, etc. It took a few days for my child to get used to it (we have a "Snugli" carrier... not sure the weight limit though on it... Try googling "sling for toddlers" or something), but now he loves it and it has really kept my sanity.

While the "ideal" may be that she is content being alone, or at least not attached to your leg, your child DOES need you right now and this is how she's expressing that need. It may not be fun, and it may be exhausting, but meeting this need right now with her will defniitely be a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. I majored in psychology in college, and the previous moms are right when they say that children go through stages of "mommy and me are one", "mommy and me are separate - oh no!", and "mommy and me are separate - yay!". It can be scary and confusing and different for the child, but the good news is that it doesn't last. She will eventually realize "oh, mommy and me can be separate, and it's okay. She's still here for me, I'm still safe and protected, so nothing really changes. Wow." Unfortunately it may seem like it's taking forever in your eyes, but it will pass. If you don't take the time with her now, then later on problems will most likely develop (i.e. dependency and security issues). Some children have an easier time realizing they are independent of mom than others - each is unique!

You might also want to begin reassuring your daughter verbally (in addition to physically) that you are there for her, that you'll always be there for her; that she is safe; that you and daddy are watching out for her and will do your best to protect her; that she is her own little girl, separate from mommy, but it's okay because you still love her just the same and are still there for her just as much; etc. You might feel odd saying some of these things to a 1 year old, but children understand more than we give them credit for... and it just might help her transition from "clingy" to "hello world, here I come" faster if she has that reassurance and confidence from mom and dad that she's still safe and secure no matter what.

I would advise you to play with your child, read to her, dance with her, sing to her every moment you can. Dirty houses can wait - children can't. Too soon she'll be leaving you for good and you will long for the days when she was little enough to want you only.

When you realize that your children are precious gifts loaned to you for a little while, it will change your perspective about clinginess - I know it did mine! My cousin lost her 2 children in a car accident in 2006 and I know she'd give everything she has to be able to have another moment with her children.