5 1/2 Month Old Is Only Happy in Mom's Arms

Try spending the time she's with the new caretaker also with them for about a week so that she gets use to the new person. Let the caretaker play with her in the living alone while you go to the kitchen, so that she bonds with the new sitter but also has you in plain view. Good luck!!

First, this is normal! In the long run, as I am sure you know because you sound like a dedicated AP momma, you will be very grateful that she is so confident that you will meet her needs that she comes to you with everything..."Mom, my friends are doing this, what do you think?" "Mom, what do you think of this boy? He likes me." or "Mommy, that stranger touched me." And how do you get a couple hours work in and keep that bond?

In this day and age, the working mom is common, and in some families a must. The best way to do this, that I have found, is to let your baby create an attachment with the alternative caregiver. First find a caregiver, nanny, sitter, that has good energy and that fits in with your families beliefs and energy. Second, spend time, and yes it could take a couple weeks, but be a part of the circle. Make play about the three of you and integrate her (or him) into your family. And don't worry, NOTHING replaces mommy, AND this new friend can be pretty fun. Finally, when you are working from home, be out of site and let them handle it on their own a while. You are there for when she truly needs you and trust me, she'll let you know.

All that said, 5 months is pretty young and she does need to eat pretty regularly, I'm sure. Make sure that whoever you hire is willing, during that time, to help you in other ways...like laundry, or dishes, or assistant to your work, etc. Make sure they are willing to be a mommy helper as well as a baby caretaker and you will be much happier.

Congratulations on your angel, and for being such a dedicated mom and truly trying to meet the needs of your child. If you feel like you are rushing, slow down, trust your instincts, you are probably right.

Good luck!
V.
Mom to Phoenix Rose 4/25/07
Conscious Birth and
Attachment Parenting Advocate

Take it one day at a time. Work can wait. She needs and wants you. It is pretty normal and the more she gets to know the sitter and the more she grows, she will eventually be ok w/ someone else for a few mins. or hours.

I don't know what type of work you do but maybe get a carrier like the Babyhawk www.babyhawk.com or the Ergo www.ergobabycarrier.com You can have her on your back and have your hands free to work. She will be happy because she will be w/ you.

Enjoy this time w/ her. Before you know it she will be crying to stay w/ someone else.

Hi M.,

Attachment parenting is ok, but if you don't allow for a certain amount of separation, your daughter will be "attached" to you until she's way too old. There are plenty of parents who breastfeed and co-sleep, but then still have a life. If you don't let her get used to the fact that you WILL come back, then she'll never get used to it. I would try this: figure out how long it is until she cries when she's with the sitter. If it's 10 minutes, then don't go to her for 20. Let the sitter handle her for 10 minutes. Go back and verbally reassure her, but don't take her. Leave and go back 15 minutes later...same thing...don't pick her up, just verbally reassure her that you are still there and will be back. Gradually increase the separation time by 5 - 10 minutes each time. It's more uncomfortable for you that she's crying. The next day, do the same thing. If you stick to your guns, she'll understand that it's only a short time and then you'll be back. Hope it works.

M.

Dear M., I am also a first time Mom of a 6 months old baby girl and I notice that she starts crying every time somebody else talk to her and more if somebody wants to hold her. I am trying to get her to be with more people and me by her side first by taking classes during the weekends (swimming classes and Gymboree) and it's been helping a lot. She likes to watch other babies and even smiles with them and this week she is getting a little bit more along with her grandma!!!
Good luck!!!

Do you know what happens after you leave? Separation anxiety is common at that age. When I started leaving my older daughter in the nursery at church, she would get so upset that five minutes later my guilt would draw me back to go get her. However, when I peeked into the nursery, she was so happy playing that I just left her. She didn't cry it out; she just accepted that I had left, only cried for a few moments then started playing. You may want to try leaving her for short periods at first, or have the nanny watch her in a different room while you are out of sight until you are comfortable leaving her.

SEPARATION ANXIETY!!! I have a 5 1/2 month old too...10/27/07 My Mom is in town to visit and he'll cry when I leave the room. He never did this before. I understand you need your space as a woman it is very healthy. I am a stay at home Mom since my daughter, 2 1/2 years old, was born so I am partial to the idea of staying with the babies. I am a firm believer that all babies have a time period of when they grow to feel secure. If a baby has the ability to have the Mommy for this period of time they will never feel insecure when alone or away from the parents. I believe it is for the 1st year at least. I was a teacher of babies for 20 years, 0-3years old. I have seen it all. Babies will eventually adapt. I just don't know what long term effects it has in the security department. We live in a society of over eaters, wrong relationships, drug and alcohol abusers, sex at very young ages, gangs, etc...I believe it all stems from the first 3 years of life and how they developed their sense of security. Just my opinion. Good Luck in whatever choice you make.
L.

Separation anxiety, when it hits, boy-oh-boy does it hit. Some babies grow out of it quickly...with others that anxiety lingers. Do you really have to work? Your baby won't be a baby forever. She will keep growing up and you certainly don't want to look back on this time and wish you could have spent more time with her. Enjoy being a mom...by simply being with your baby. Maybe you could work a little when she's sleeping (if she takes regular naps). It's just my opinion but if you don't have to work just yet, why rush it? I'm a full time stay at home mother and I too, love being home with my children. I have 3 of them and they really do grow up so fast. My first two are in school full time so now I have my last child all to myself and I'm loving it. I'm enjoying this time because the day will come when your daughter will be self sufficient and a part of you will miss when she needed you so much.

I'm all about ap too. Think transition- maybe have nanny play with baby with you there too for a little while. I know it stinks paying someone to not work, but it may make things easier for your baby.

Nanny is a total stranger, and your baby knows she can count on you. Change is difficult for adults too. Until babies are older, they don't understand that you will be back- so it is natural to be afraid of staying with a new person without you there.

Remember that an attached child (in the ap sense) will grow into an independent child. But each age is different and what your dd needs will be different at each stage. If you follow her lead and your intuition, you'll do a great job for both of you.

Follow your inner voice- it's the best parent there is.
good luck.

Dear M.,
Stranger and separation anxiety are VERY common starting around 5 months, so this could be very normal for this age. But if it continues, or you saw signs of this even when she was younger, you may want to get a book that helped me. It's called The Fussy Baby and High Need Child book by Dr. Sears. My was not a "fussy baby" per say, but he fits the mold for alot of the criteria for a "high need child" which one of the criteria is won't be left with others without needing you. You can also go on to Dr. Sears' website. If you register, there are articles about this, you may want to do that first before you buy the book, in case this is just an age thing.
Good luck!

I am a mother of three boys. I stayed home with them and enjoyed it. If you enjoy being a stay at home mom, do that. I work in the public school system now. I don't regret the time I gave of myself for my children. It sounds like your husband works enough for both of you anyway. Children need at least one stable parent to keep them grounded. The military doesn't always allow the father to be that for them, so you do it for your daughter.

Hi,

As other posters told you, it's totally normal begavior at that age. I don't think my daughter went willingly into someone else's arms for a good deal of her first year. She's pretty much the opposite of clingy. (Yes, despite not forcing the issue, she DID learn to be independent.) I have to say, I miss those clingy only mommy will do days since I'm a tired pregnant lady with a really active 2 year old!!

I agree with the advice to spend some more time getting your nanny and daughter better acquainted. I think trying to work during her naptime might be a good compromise. I'm guessing you have a little flexibility since you own your own business. Is working in the evenings after she goes to sleep feasible for your type of business at all? Maybe you could also have the nanny come right before your daughter wakes from her nap and get her when she wakes? My daughter did better when she woke up to someone getting her from her crib and was generally in a good mood on waking. (Of course, maybe not such a good idea if your daughter likes to nurse on waking.)

The separation anxiety will eventually pass and even when it does, you will still be her favorite person most of the time.

M., your love for your daughter is admirable! However, your "attachment parenting" is doing exactly that....creating an attachment that your baby will need to outgrow as she becomes more naturally independent. As long as she knows you are present, she is naturally going to want you. If you want to get any work done, you're going to have to either physically leave, or make her think that you are gone, even for a short time. Believe me, she will get used to having the nanny care for her....but only if she knows there is no alternative. Imagine you were hungry, and your choices were your favorite food, or something you didn't really know if you'd like it or not...you'd probably choose your favorite over the new food. But if the new food was all that was available, and you were hungry, you would try it. It's just human nature.
It may be too soon for you to separate from the baby...but I don't think it's too early for her. In fact, the younger they are when you do this, the easier it is for the child. We had nannies help with both our kids, from 4 months old for my daughter and even younger for my son. Both are now well adjusted teens. Your baby will do ok, but you are the one who needs to make the emotional adjustment. Please feel free to respond if you want to talk more.

What you need to do with the sitter is have her come when you are NOT working and play together with your child with the sitter and keep "having to leave the room for something" the bathroom, a drink, etc. Show your child (even though she will cry) that you ALWAYS come back. That is what seperation anxiety is-the child is afraid that you are NEVER coming back. Do it this way leaving the room for 30 seconds, then one minute, then longer, and longer....it may take a couple of days but your child will become comfortable with the fact that you WILL come back.........

Hi M.,

This is coming from another AP mom who works from home.
I have a 4 year old and a 3 week old. I can tell you that at 5 months old it is completely normal for your baby to have separation anxiety. This is around the time baby starts to realize that they are not one with their mother. I think advice that you need to get the baby used to you leaving and coming back is not on par with development at this stage. At this point your baby does not have the cognitive ability to recognize that you leave and come back. You can definitely condition a baby to get used to you not being there, just like some people condition their babies to stay in their cribs... but here is no understanding at such a young age.
Generally speaking, I can tell you that many people don't understand or agree with the AP philosophy. You don't know how many times I have been lectured by both family and strangers about me wanting to do everything "the hard way" and not just letting my babies CIO, use bottles, etc, etc.. All I can tell you is TRUST your instincts and do what you feel is right for your family and your baby.
As far as giving more practical advice, if you don't already have one, please get a sling or a baby carrier. With my first, I didn't get one until he was about 9 months old, and boy, did it make everything easier. Now with my second we got a sling for her right away. I am partial to wraps because they are not so hard on the back. I just got the Baby K'Tan and while pricey, imo, is the best invention since sliced bread, LOL With my son I had the Bjorn and a homemade wrap. It definitely helps to sling while doing housework, cooking, and even working on the computer.
I do my work on shifts or spurts. Setting up a 3 hour block of work is just not realistic for me so I do half-hours at a time. Sometimes I get a nice block of time where the little one is fast asleep and my eldest is really busy entertaining himself-- I am not sure how flexible your work is as far as this goes. I would definitely recommend working while she naps, and maybe hiring help for the housework if that takes time away from your work.
Best wishes and congrats on breastfeeding your baby! Trust me when I tell you that they grow up way too fast! Keep enjoying your baby like you are doing!

V.

It's funny, I was just telling my 8 yr. old daughter last night about when she was a baby and she only wanted to be with me. When she was on me in the Baby Bjorn carrier or in my arms, she was the perfect baby, but in a crib or bed by herself, or in anyone else's arms, she would cry and cry non-stop. I was a SAHM and since she was my second child, with my son only 2 years older, I decided I wasn't going to stress. So what did I do? Just have her on me at all times! She was fine, I was fine, everyone was happy. Does she have separation anxiety or did this create an unhealthy attachment to me? Absolutely not! She eventually outgrew it and was fine with everyone. Every child is different. I kind of enjoyed that she only wanted M. and when she started branching out, felt a little twinge in my heart, like I had to start letting her go...I was like you, strictly breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc. If you can hold off going back to work, I think you should. This time in her life, this age will never come back, and it passes so quickly! And if you can't, see if you can bring her with you as someone else suggested. If this is not possible, the only other solution is to maybe start increasing work hours very gradually, to give her time to adjust to being away from you. My daughter is an extremely secure little girl, and so is my son. I think that giving them security only makes them secure children, it doesn't make them clingy, as some people tried to tell me. I hope this helps! Enjoy her!