I Need Help Disciplining My Crazy 3 Year Old

I know other people will recommend books and behavior techniques for you. I just wanted to say that he is adorable and normal and energetic. I had one like that. It does eventually calm down a bit. Plus, they ALL go through a crisis when there's a new baby. Good luck!

Hi A.,
Please understand when I ask this question that I am not making a judgment call. Would it be possible for you to stay home from work for a while? Little children not only need quality time with parents, they need quantity time--large quantities. They won't always, but they do better when they have more of mom when they are little. Three is a rambunctious age, especially for bright-minded children and sometimes even more for some boys who need more physical, large-muscle movement at this stage in life. It is a challenge even for the more capable mother! Prayer helps me eventually figure out those biggest challenges. I wish you the best!
L.

Start recording Supernanny. I assume you don't have time to read her book (I don't with a new baby around...). Basically, you see OTHER people with rotten kids (calms nerves and helps you see that you are not alone), and how she hands back power/control to the parents, sets rules, sets expectations, and then helps the parent with consistent discipline.

You may have a bratty kid to deal with, but there are ways of keeping your cool, and letting them know, "This don't go down, take your consequence...". You're the mom, you're bigger, and smarter. It's time to lay down the law and set boundaries. No parent will ever fault you for that! :D

Someone else mentioned the Love & Logic parenting books. I want to add that there is one specifically written for early childhood - birth to 6 years. I have a 3 year old boy that sounds EXACTLY like yours. My other kids are pretty compliant when you ask them to do things, but my 3 yr. old is just one that pushes every boundary. It's been my experience that he really is looking for boundaries and is much happier when he realizes they are there (not at the moment - but over all). The Love & Logic early childhood book gives you a great arsenal of ways to react to this boundary testing - including tons of helpful examples. It is amazing how the stress level goes down for you & consequently everyone else when you have some strategies to cope with the many situations where your child acts up. My son has reacted very well to the Love & Logic methods - really everything else I have tried with this energetic kid either doesn't work, or it's a short-term fix. The book is clear & concise - I think I read it in about 2 days - I just got it from the library. It is well worth reading. Good luck! I feel your pain!

It's OK. Your three-year-old is not crazy, and you are a great mom. This is a big transition time for everyone and you'll get through it.
Here are some things that have helped me with my three sons . . . The book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" is beyond excellent. No mental gymnastics, just simple communication strategies that really work. I cannot recommend it highly enough. This book has been around for awhile and you could easily find it at the library or cheap online. The things I learned from that book have helped me diffuse so many tantrums and conflicts. For example, it's really reassuring to a child to validate and name their feelings, even if you are correcting their actions. So you can say, "Wow, you are so frustrated! It is not OK to hit," or wish-grant: "I understand you really wanted that cookie. If cookies were good for you, I'd let you eat them all day," or provide another outlet such as "You are disappointed we can't go right this minute! Can you draw a picture/stomp your feet to show me how disappointed you are?"
It's also important to make expectations clear in advance: "We are going into the store. I need you to be a gentleman. That means I need you to keep one hand on the cart and walk next to me and help me put things in our cart. If you run or grab things, you'll have to sit in the cart. Let's have fun and you can help me choose fruit and ice cream."
I also learned that children this age need positive instructions, so avoid using "don't," "no" and "stop," very much. It's just too abstract. If you say "No hitting! Stop hitting! Don't hit!" he hears "hitting! hitting! hit!" Try clear directions such as "I need you pet the kitty gently."
Giving instructions as they relate to you is also important. Starting requests with "I need you to," "I want you to," "I expect you to," or "Let's" has saved me from started every direction with "Aaaagghhhh! You're killing me!! WHY can't you LISTEN!!" But that probably doesn't happen at your house. ;) And if it does you know there's hope.
My son's preschool teacher, who has a masters' in child development and 25 years of experience, says children misbehave because they are hungry, tired or legitimately need positive attention. Keeping him well-fed, rested and his "love bucket" filled will help keep things from getting awful too quickly. I know lots of people will disagree with me, but I rarely use time-out, and when I do I pitch it as a welcome break instead of a punishment: "You are really angry with your brother. Go have some time out in your room and I won't let him bother you in there for a few minutes so you can get back in control of your body." Everyone needs to cool off sometimes, I know--me included-- but if you do it as a vindictive punishment or very often, it just gives them an opportunity to sit and sulk and seethe about injustice and plot revenge. . .that's hardly the intended purpose!
If you've got a new baby, it will be terribly hard to enforce a time out right now, too. Consider offering lots of "time in," where you read or do stickers or make English muffin pizzas or do puzzles when you see trouble brewing. I kept a little basket of small fun treats next to my nursing chair and would take them out when I was nursing the baby so my older child would not be completely ignored and start to misbehave.
La Leche League also saved me--they publish a great book called "Adventures in Gentle Discipline." It has lots of great ideas. Going to their meetings helped me learn about how to enjoy nursing my baby while maintaining my loving connection with my older child(ren). There are a couple groups in the Sandy area and I think you'd like to meet the moms there. You can find a meeting at www.llli.org.
Hang in there, A.! Best wishes!

Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline saved my life! You can even get most of their materials on tape or cd at the library, so you can try out their methods before buying anything. They offer the words and actions so you can get down to serious parenting and still have fun with your kids. I loved it so much (just started it at the beginning of this year) that I got certified as an independent facilitator. Truly, truly, truly it has changed our world to used this method and the differences in my children are noticeable not only to me, but to all those who know them.

Good luck!

It sounds like he's putting on these shows for your benefit. When my almost 3 year old son throws tantrums and has bad behavior, if he is not able to talk calmly about it, which is definitely true in a tantrum, then he is put in his room, only allowed to come out when he calms down so we can talk about it. This allows him to scream and get mad but only for himself, not to give us a show. Sometimes I have to take him back if comes out before he's ready, but he pretty much knows that I mean what I say and will finally calm down. Also, keep in mind that at this age, they have so many emotions hurling through them all the time, finding words to say how they feel is really hard so you may have to talk him through it. Sounds like he is having poor behavior to get your attention, especially with a new one around, so when he does have good behavior make sure you're letting him know, because really, he just wants to please you, screaming just happens to be a quick way to get your attention. So by sending him to his room for bad behavior, he starts to learn that good behavior gets what he really wants. If you can, try to spend some time with just him as well and be silly together doing whatever fun activity he wants to do. And most importantly, try to laugh with both your kids as much as possible!

My mom got me a book simply called NO. I'll email you with the author later. The sub-title says something to the effect of "how to say it & why kids of all ages need to hear it". Read it & it should help!

learning self control doesn't happen the same way for every kid. some are born calm, some take years to convince that controlling their emotions is an important thing to do. i used to have to strap my oldest son into the high chair and put it in a corner to keep him from reaching and hurting the rest of the family when he was angry. (i tried holding him to calm him down, but he'd hit his head against my chest.) sometimes he would sit there and scream so loud my ears hurt and i'd have to take the baby into another room until he was finished. he's 5 now and in much better control of his emotions and his body. part of getting to that point was learning to anticipate his hunger and teaching him to do the same for himself because he gets crazy when he's hungry. we also worked on helping him put his feelings into calm words. like when he had finally calmed down, i'd sit with him on the couch and calmly talk with him about his feelings and what would be a better way to express himself next time. i know it's hard to do, but try not to think about what others think of your parenting. it can sometimes get in the way of doing what's best for your child. when i'm embarrassed by my kids my temper gets shorter. so many of us have been in the same position you are in, so we don't judge others for it. when i see a crazy 3 yr old, i don't think, "what terrible parents," i think, "he must be about 3 yrs old" and i try to ignore the kid. i wish you luck and hope this stage is a short one for you!

My 3 yr old is nuts. He's just wild and crazy. And sweet and loving and smart and adorable. And he's 3!
All kids are different, and whoever doesn't realize that is in denial or doesn't have kids. My sister's kids are out of control, whiny, demanding, scared to death of everything (and they scream about it, too, and cry over it for an hour). I used to get all judgmental, thinking it was how she and BIL had raised them. And while I have big problems with their parenting (they give into whining and tears), I now know that kids are SO DIFFERENT! I did't know that until I had two raised past infancy. I've learned to get over comparing my kids to other peoples' kids. It's hard when their kids sit quietly and mine are climbing the curtains...but some kids are calm and others are active! I have active.

I am about to go down the road you're on. I'm 5 mos. pregnant, with a 3 yr old (and a 5 yr old). I don't know exactly what will happen or how I'll handle it, but something that REALLY helped when we brought home our second was to involve the big brother in taking care of the baby. He would bring me a clean diaper for the baby, read books to him, and fetch toys for him to "play" with. We explained that he wouldn't do anything for a long time, what babies do, and what they can't. And the best thing ever was that I'd invite big brother to sit next to me while I nursed the baby. I'd put my arm around him and read a book to him. Even though I was multi-tasking, my son felt like it was one-on-one time with mom.

Good luck!

Hi A.,
The red flag in your note is your statement "I have tried every trick in the book." That is a statement we use when we are frustrated and at a loss. However, if you really are trying all kinds of different things then your son has probably learned that you have very unclear limits and he is definately pushing hard to find them.
You have received some great advice from other moms. There are a lot of books and programs out there. Love and logic is a pretty good one. The key is to find one that sounds good and "doable" for you and your family. Then, you must invest all of your energy to sticking to the limits and ideas of your plan. No behavior change happens quickly. No methods work every time. But if you stay consistant, then your son will always know where his limits are.
You will have to be willing to walk out of stores in the middle of shopping if he is screaming, to take your son and sit in the car or to go home early in the middle of a party if he is hurting other children, to take away his favorite toy if he throws it at you, etc. He has to know that you are serious. Stay kind and calm but always in contol. Don't be afraid of his tantrums. They are the only method he knows now to express his disapointment in the limit that has been set.
You will get through this. Take care,
B.

I'm learning that when docs and kid specialist say look for regression and acting out with huge life transitions...they mean it. my 3 yr. old is usually very well behaved and has always listened to me best, but with my dh deployed--that has all taken a new life. I know that she just needs to know that I'm not going anywhere, that she is still loved and that she has my attention, and when she feels she doesn't or is feeling insecure for whatever reason that is when she acts out. I am guessing it is along those lines with your son. all kids at this age test boundaries they want to know that things are still going to be the same esp. when things change like a new baby. First of all, any mom who thinks its a bad parenting thing doesn't have a grip on reality. we all think we know how we would handle a kid when they...until ours do it! hehe. its like walking through a store with your kid throwing a tantrum and the two looks...the one from people who send you that knowing hang in there smile and you now they are thinking Thank God it isn't my kid today! or yup been there. and then the other look, which in my experience comes from young mom's with a baby or young ladies not yet married or no kids so far any age--where they look at you like good grief control your child--and I always think Just wait. you just wait.
anyway--you post hit home because I'm going through this with my daughter. I know that for us routines and consistency are key. and following through. if she hits with a toy, it goes in the closet for 3 days. She's 3 so that is why I do 3 days. If she wants it back sooner than that we sometimes work out a deal where she does extra chores like sweeping the kitchen floor or washing some windows--of course it isn't perfect but it's the principle of it I'm trying to teach her. I'm really ready for preschool to start again because having a structured schedule helps her out a lot too. and making sure that I give her time every day that is just hers, she picks what we do, I have been playing with the beast from the polly pocket set of beauty and the beast for days now and it hurts my brain some days but I know how important it is to her--and it's good for me to let go of all the stresses of life and just be...the beast. lol.
so I'd pick something that takes away his payoff. for my dd if she loses her dollies that is terrible "but I love them so much" she says. it is something that affects her without being cruel. and I can be consistent. it goes in the closet for 3 days. if she goes in time out I set an alarm for 3 minutes. I always talk to her about what is going on, if I got mad and raised my voice I even tell her sorry for that I think its important for her to know everyone makes mistakes and it isn't the end of the world we can apologize and be better people. She apologizes because I apologize. I have to ask myself sometimes why she's acting out and if I really get honest I can see I haven't been as connected with her because of stressing over running everything on my own, or emotionally being drained so I check out and she's reaching out for more security and love. after daddy calls...always a rough day she needs reassurances. I will then sit on the floor with her and tell her I'm sorry I haven't been paying enough attention to her and that I miss daddy too--I talk about how I am feeling about the situation and try to get her to talk about her feelings too and if she says she's mad at daddy I say okay. and ask why and let her process the emotions. I think at this age they feel so much but still don't know how to express it all and the trick is learning how to let them do that in positive ways. hang in there--we all have the good days and the bad days and by we all I mean moms, dads and kids alike.
oh--and one thing that works great if we are out to a restaurant or hanging out with friends--I take her to the car and put her in her harness seat belt until she is ready to listen and treat others nicely. that has only happened twice--so far now I just have to remind her that I will take her to the car.
its trial and error a bit because all kids have different personalities and respond to different stuff--but you will find what works best for you. and my one suggestion would be to put aside some time every day for just the 2 of you to spend together, let daddy take care of the baby and you two have some time together. GL! and sorry this got so long!

Pick your battles. If he is a busy boy there are some things that busy boys will do. Are they harming anyone else or himself or is what he is doing bothering you and making you have to get up and work harder? If most of your answers are NO then let him do some things, when he gets hurt he might not do it again. I am a mom of 5 kids and most of the time what saved me was "staying consistent" Make a decision to on what he can and can't do. If it warrants correction, then stick with the same correction and don't give in. Children need to have strick boundaries. I used to tell my kids that they needed boundaries or they get confused and don't know what to do with themselves. Thus Acting Out. Watch him and find out what type of correction works best for him. My twins I could Swat once and they were heartbroken. My youngest hers was time outs. Taking things away did not fase her at all. Spankings did't generally help either. So find what effects him to listen to you and then stick with it. Make sure that you and your husband use the same corrections for the same things otherwise you will be battling with each other more than necessary. When all is said and done, there is a reason he is doing what he is doing and NO you are NOT a bad parent, he is just a boy with too wide of boundaries. Reign him in and stay consistent.
I hope this helps. Kay

There's this book called Have a New Kid by Friday, or something like that, written by Kevin Lehman, I think. check out the Focus on the Family website...
good luck
S.