My husband is ignoring my exclellent advice. He agreed my take on his work situation was brilliant and that he would do exactly as I suggested. He didn't. He did the exact opposite. This bad decision is going to mean spreading himself too thin on 2 full time jobs, which will lead to diminished performance on both, and never seeing me or his kids, along with not actually bringing any more money into the house. He agrees with me, but is letting his insecurities and pride lead him in the wrong direction. I'm pissed, but what can I do. He's not hearing logic and he is not a logical person whatsoever. So, he's amking a bad decision that is affecting all of us and there's nothing i can do about it. Once again, I'm in a situation where I have to accept his nonsense and shut up. How do I do that? I'm as good as a single mom right now. He's been home one night and he sat on the couch with his eyes shut for a few hours then went to bed. If he was sacrificing FOR his family it would be differant, but it doesn't benefit us one little bit! He's actually just sacrificing his family, and his health. I need to find a way to be supportive and loving while he is doing something I don't support at all. What would you do?
I should mention his reason. He had a decent job - no money but he was happy. I'm the breadwinner, he has a few financial obligations to us, but the remainder he blows. He was offered another job that doesnt pay but he will love the work, the people, and the area. He's afraid to leave the 1st job due to his insecurities. It's the whole "bird in the hand" thing. Hes afraid of failing at the new job. I reccomended he stay on part time at his current job and give his full attention to the new job, since job performance is so important. He's afraid to ask to go part time, so, instead he asked to go mon thru friday evening and work the other job monday thru friday morning. Super plan Hes a very loving, involved, and attentive dad. He even stayed home a year and was primary caregiver. I know he's missing them, but not enought to man up and give himself fully to one job or the other
Sounds like you need to apply reverse psychology and recommend what you DON'T want him to do. Like you sometimes have to do with small children...
So sorry T....
Dawn
I think you need to let him figure it out. There's nothing worse than a nagging wife treating the man like he can't think for himself. So you are alone for a few weeks and he's working hard. People have done worse for worse reasons. He'll figure it out and am I missing something? He will be getting 2 paychecks right? It's not like he'll have a lot of time to blow it on nothing :) Pray for wisdom and protection for him. It might come out better than you think.
Ugh...
T....I'm sorry.
I know I would be very upset by this.
I mean, volunteering is O. thing but FT on TOP of a FT job?
His relationship with his wife and kids will surely suffer--just from decreased presence and decreased energy......
Not sure if I could be supportive.
Sorry--no concrete advice.
Hang in there.
Somehow, I find that many men make decisions based upon the stress of the being the breadwinner (or the desire to feel like an important contributor) of the household, and sometimes that leads them to make decisions without the rest of the family in mind. My BIL actually took a job three hours away, requiring a move, without first telling, if not first discussing it with his wife. Myself, I want to make a new career move, but I don't because of the impact it would make on the entire family.
When I fantasize about this sort of thing, I think of what I could do without asking the acceptance of the entire family first just to prove my point. You know, like make plans without telling him and assume he'll be home to watch the kids, or ask him what he has planned for Junior's b-day party.
It took me years of dating, marriage, and parenthood to get my DH to the point of recognizing that family comes first. I'm not really sure what inspired him to look at it all with new eyes. I thank my lucky stars, though. I wish you luck.
Maybe he feels bad that you are the bread winner and wants to feel like he's doing more. Whatever his reason I would just let him do it, stand by him and be supportive and let him learn on his own. I think men sometimes have to do that without our wise advise. :-) It will be hard for that time but hopefully if you tell him how you miss him there, need him, appreciate what he's doing but.....maybe he'll pick a job and work only one.
Ugh I am so sorry! My husband talks about a second job sometimes too and I always site all the reasons you just listed as to why it is a horrible idea! First, like you, I would be really mad. I would probably speak my mind about it and then be quiet. Then I think I would pray about how to deal with my feelings. Then I think I would try to think on some solutions of other ways to generate income that don't keep him out of the house but do add to the family income. My husband is about to try going to auction, buying a car and flipping it. It is minimal work and may be a way to make some fast cash to build up our savings. So maybe meet him halfway that you do agree that there need to be multiple avenues of making money but that you want to try and think together of ways to achieve that goal without breaking him down and leaving the family dadless. I think first though just grit your teeth and try to be supportive. It would be so hard for me too though, hang in there!!
Hey T., I fell ya! Just walk it out with him and in the end remind him of the bad decision he made! Stay strong sista, stay strong!
Why does he believe a second full-time job is essential? Does he think he's not providing enough money with just one job? (That might be the insecurities you mentioned...?) Does he think that one of the jobs is at risk of vanishing so he wants a second job already in hand just in case the first one disappears? Do you think (forgive my asking this, please, but it's got to be asked) that he is a person who wants to work all the hours he can because he's just not interested in being at home? Sorry, there are parents like that - they prefer being at work to being at home, not necessarily because they don't love their families but because their personalities are that way.
In your shoes, I would: Make a family budget that shows him in hard dollars and cents that the second job is not essential to paying the bills (IF that is indeed the case). Get a good financial counselor lined up. Then and only then sit down with him and show him the budget and say you're both going to see the financial adviser who will ensure that you're on track on just one job's income. Some people really do need a professional third party like a banker or a therapist or a lawyer to point things out to them; they listen to those third parties more than to their own spouses.
Then I would point out to him what he is missing: Seeing his children grow up. Every event, dance recital, sports game, school event, etc. Maybe you've already done that -- it sounds like you might have.
You say that his decision affects all of you but "there's nothing I can do about it" and "I have to accept his nonsense and shut up." You say that you "have to" be supportive of something you feel deeply is fundamentally wrong. Those statements worry me for you! They are huge red flags that possibly you feel he alone is running this marriage and this family and you have zero input and zero influence with him. Is that the case? Does he dismiss everything you say about other topics or just about work? Do you feel that this is just part of a larger pattern of "He does what he wants and I follow in his wake"? If so -- -please, please get yourself to a counselor and even better, get both of you to a marriage counselor. If cost is an issue (is he tight with money too, despite two jobs you say aren't needed?) then there are often sliding-scale fees available through county health departments or women's centers. But there seems to be MUCH more going on here than your disliking his having two jobs. There seems to be a one-sidedness to what you describe, with his side being the one that has to "win." I hope you can find counseling for you both, or just for you if he won't go; and if he won't go -- that's a red flag right there about his level of respect for what you need.
T.,
I am sooo sorry! Will he consider going to a counselor? Maybe hearing how this makes you feel in the presence of a neutral party would help. He needs a wake-up call, and fast! I am not sure there is anything you can specifically do to be okay with this. I would pray about it and write all your feelings down--ask him to listen to you 100% without judgement and hear you out. Give it one last attempt. Tell him EXACTLY how this decision is going to affect you, your children, your marriage, your life etc. Best wishes and hope this works out.
M
