I Know This Is a Woman's Site but I Need Some Advice as a Concerned Father.

Her history of impulsive and rather destructive behavior would be a clear message to me that all parental custody issues should be clear, defined and backed up legally.

I also vote for you to demand a paternity test.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have a good support system you can rely on.

Why does she have them on a day they have to go to daycare? Isn't the whole point for her to spend time with her kids? If there is another day she can have them without putting them in daycare, I would ask her to take them that day. Or does she choose that day so she can have them overnight. If so she could pick them up after she gets off work and return them a day later. That would mean 2 overnights. If the decree doesn't say consecutive days, they don't have to be consecutive.

Yes, you can offer an alternative. If she doesn't agree, she will have to go to court to clarify the order. What is important is to find a solution that is best for the children. I doubt daycare fits that requirement. However, I don't have enough information to say that.

Have you tried having a discussion with her and the two of you make a new plan? That is the best way to change this.

If she's paying for child care she may be glad to let you watch the kids so she can keep those days.

I suggest that you need to talk with a lawyer so that you can be sure that you can change days. My suggestion is based only on my experience.

Welcome to Mamapedia - despite the name, men are welcome and have been members over the years I've been on this site.

What do the kids do during the day when they are with you? Even if you are home with them, or even they have an in-home babysitter/nanny while you are at work, it makes sense to keep them in a consistent situation rather than get pulled out on Fridays to go to a different day care. If they are not with her, they should be with you or in the same situation they are in the other days of the week.

I don't think your rationale should be "they're all sick" because kids get sick in day care and at home and in public school and at the grocery store. You have a lot of kids bringing home germs from school and sharing them with the little ones. I'd suggest you increase hand washing, absolutely do NOT use antibacterial soap (potentially harmful, FDA is investigating, and definitely a factor in the killing of weaker bacteria and letting super bugs flourish), and DO let the kids play in the dirt (and outdoors in general) a lot so they get exposed gently and gradually to the mostly innocuous germs that help build the immune system. There are also things you can do nutritionally to boost their immune systems safely, assuming your ex will participate.

If you don't have a written visitation agreement, then I think you either should get one, or you and she together should work out a schedule. She doesn't tell you when she gets them, you don't tell her when she gets them. I'm not sure she should have them every weekend though - you should be entitled to some time when the older kids are out of school. So I would suggest, if you have an amicable relationship, that you write up a schedule - that means going through the calendar, marking up Father's Day, Mother's Day, parent/kid birthdays, and whatever holidays and 3-day weekends are important to each of you, and then figuring out something for the summer. It might make more sense, however, to work this out with a mediator (which means 1 legal expert with costs shared by the 2 of you, with the final agreement filed with the court at far less expense than each of you having 2 your own lawyer or actually working things out with a judge). Once an agreement is filed, it doesn't mean you can't swap on occasion if it's agreeable to both parents, but at least there's a structure and every single week isn't being negotiated.

I also agree, I'm sorry to say, that you should have paternity tests on the 2 younger kids, at the very least. I think it's very suspicious that she magically ran off with someone and then you find out she's pregnant. Twice. The children will all still be half siblings so it doesn't change their relationship to each other, but it's important for your own peace of mind as well as support agreements and potential medical issues that everyone know who has whose family medical history.

I think you need a professional to help.

I would start by asking her to switch days, and if that doesn't work ask your lawyer.

ETA:
Would you want her to have them both weekend days? Is that the only way to avoid the daycare? That would mean no weekends .. I would think you'd want to alternate weekends if possible.

I have a friend who's arrangement for the kids' care was preferable to her ex's. For consistency sake her ex worked with her - so they had the same child care regardless of who had the kids. Is that possible?

Her ex lives near her for this purpose. It's easier on the kids by far.

this isn't a site just for mama's, it's for parents.

you need to call your lawyer and find what you can do legally. I've never been divorced so I have no experience in this.

First of all, though the site name is Mamapedia, it really is a site for parents. Over the years, some fathers have posted questions and a few contributed regularly. So you should feel free to participate.

I would suggest talking with your ex about whether it might make more sense for her to get the kids after work on Friday and keep them through Sunday afternoon rather than having them go to daycare Friday. That's a lot of extra money which doesn't have to be spent and it defeats the purpose of her having visitation that day. Once you have an agreement on which days, then get it written into the decree so everything is clear.

I really doubt that going into daycare now has caused your kids to get sick more often than they did when they first started school. With 6 kids, you must have at least a couple who have started school and you probably saw a spike in the number of colds they got, right? Exposure to more children means exposure to more bugs, whether they encounter those kids in school or in daycare. As one of my friends put it, either they get sick a lot when you first put them in daycare at age 1 or they get sick a lot when they first go to school at age 5. Their and your new reality is that there is no stay-at-home parent, so the younger ones will need to go to daycare. Personally, I think our kids have benefited a great deal from going to daycare in terms of socializing, school-readiness, etc. Perhaps you and your ex can come to an agreement on picking a daycare and that will give you more comfort with where they are?

I do agree with B that if I were you, given your ex's track record, I would want paternity tests for at least the two youngest kids to make sure they were my biological children and not this guy she has been sleeping with for a long time. I don't know what I would do with that information and it could open up some painful rifts if it turns out they are not your children biologically, however it is probably worth settling the question. Anyway, good luck with the situation.

If I were you I'd have a paternity test done on your last 2 kids or maybe all of them to see if they really are all yours.
Being in day care isn't the worst thing in the world and if they are getting sick now they'll be over the worst of it before they're going to elementary school.

welcome to mamapedia!!

Have you spoken to an attorney yet?
Have you had DNA/Paternity testing done on the most recent children? I am sorry to say, I doubt they are yours.
Have you been to the doctor to be tested for STDs? I know I did. I did for 10 years since AIDS was just becoming known in the late 80s'.

the one that can answer this question is your lawyer.

Good luck!

I would discuss this with her. Ask her to change the days. If she won't then I would go to my lawyer and see what can be done. Look, at some point the kids will need to go to day care. Also, kids get sick. That is just the way of the world and it totally sucks!

Just curious, does your ex-wife pay child support and help with medical bills? If not, why not? She should be. She should see and help pay for those bills.

Also, I agree with a poster below, I would get a paternity test.

First of all....I would have paternity tests done on all of the children. I know in your heart they are your kids and you would never abandon them (however, legally in the future you might need to know and having that information would be a good thing). She is habitual cheater and well...cover your bases.

I my small experience with these divorce situations where there are court orders it is better to have it in writing. If you can visit with her and agree to change days and stay civil then, okay....otherwise go back to court and have it changed to read two days a week determined by the primary residence caregiver arranged (blank) number of days in advance in writing. Then use a court used email server so they track and log all interactions between the two of you. Keeps things on the up and up and civil.

I am very sorry for the kids and you having to go though this hell.

I have absolutely no experience in divorce and custody, so im going on a common sense approach. If I were in your shoes, I would just go through your lawyer. On EVERYTHING. PREVENTION is KEY here. If you try and figure this out on your own with her there's a GREAT chance shell change her mind- then things will get harder And you guys will get madder at eachother because its "Not written down." the more mad you guys get the more the kids feel it. If this is through lawyers there's more consistency for you and the kids. To answer your question I think it would be a good idea to ask to switch days. Say to the lawyer what you said here. There in daycare and there sick more probily from the daycare.I would not trust her. I got a feeling if something wont go her way its gonna get ugly. So lawyer up. I feel for you. Good luck.

I agree with Marda. The two of you should be able to discuss the days for the children to go with mom. It's weird to me that she would pick them up only for them to be placed in daycare. Simply pick them up after work and take them home. If the two of you fail to agree, the court may be necessary. But hopefully, it won't become that difficult. Express to mom your concern for the children's health as the most important factor. She should understand that.

There are websites where you can schedule visitation without having to interact with the other parent, other than by writing. I don't have these issues with my child's father because he kind of pops in and out of her life whenever he feels like it, but does so when she is at grandma's (his mom's house) so we do not have to see each other at all. I schedule sharing my daughter with the paternal grandma and we compromise and make it work for us and for my daughter.

Since you and your ex-wife did not agree on actual dates but it is becoming an issue, I would speak to the child support division of the court. My co-worker's daughter and her boyfriend split up a couple of months ago and custody was a major issue. There was a lot of bickering and mud-slinging throughout their fight. Though they eventually kind of agreed on two days of the week where the dad would have his son, both parents sometimes need to make changes due to their work schedules, commitments, or things that don't allow them to be home with the baby on their assigned dates. The child support division of the court provided them with the link to a free computer software where they enter written communications regarding scheduling changes, and all the communications are stored on the software and sent to the court. It also blocks out the agreed upon dates, like you would do on a calendar. If there is some sort of dispute further down the line, the judge sees all the communication and rules accordingly. If you don't care to fight or speak to your ex-wife, this might be a good solution, and since everything is written and recorded, she can't go back and change her mind or claim you said something that is untrue.

I agree with others that if you're available to care for the kids, daycare is a waste of money. She is not seeing the children until the evening, so there is no reason why you cannot meet in a public, neutral spot like an ice cream shop and she can pick up your children to sleep over for the night, if that is her reason for wanting the kids on a Friday. I also agree about getting a DNA test, because while there are doubts about 2 of these children, you don't really know how long this affair (or perhaps other affairs) have been going on, and how many of those kids are actually yours. I cannot imagine how expensive child support would be for 6 children and if the kids aren't biologically yours, I am sure you don't want to be on the hook for child support for 6 kids for the next 18 years, unless that is your choice and you can afford it, regardless of what the results say. I would also suggest testing for STDs, like Wild Woman said below. I hope our answers to your question have been helpful to you in some way.

PS: Maybe it's time the site was called ParentPedia, considering how many fathers contribute and visit the site anyway!