I Have to Send My 20 Months Away for 2 months...I Am Overreacting This???

Honestly, I couldn't do that...I would find another solution. There is no way I would send my kid away for 2 months.

If you're not comfortable--find other arrangements--what's wrong with a local daycare or babysitter? Good luck!

I have relatives that are doing this too. I don't agree with it. If he has to stay with them for the summer because there are no other options, fine, but I would be staying there too. Even with a 3 hr commute.

No way in hell would I do this. I'd find another job, stat.

I don't think you can make your in-laws do anything and if it were me, regardless of my financial situation, I would NEVER send my baby away for two months. Seriously, what are you thinking? You're talking about all these dangers and yet you're still willing to do this?!? I'm sorry, but there must be other options you haven't considered.

Of course he isn't used to this life. He's a baby. My only suggestion is to NOT do this unless not doing it will make you homeless (which it won't because there are other options than this, I can assure you.) We are low of the low when it comes to low income and yet I've never had to send a child away.

How is your 20 month old going to go to a public K? Am I not reading your question right?

Okay, I just read your SWH. If your job requires travel and your husband "also works"...um, why can't your husband take and pick him up from daycare like any other normal two-working parents family? If you both have jobs, you have money for daycare.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but this just sounds so absurd. I honestly can't even fathom releasing my baby to someone else for TWO MONTHS. Do you understand all the implications of this and how traumatic this will be for him?

And yes, you do have one real valid fear. At that age...yes, your son will begin to forget you in a sense. Believe me, I know this first hand because I was adopted.

First, I don't understand why your son can't stay home with Dad at daycare. If you husband isn't traveling why not? My husband traveled all the time, I worked full time my kids were in daycare. So, I think I'm missing something here.

Sorry, if your son is staying with the grandparents, grandparents get to make the rules. His schedule is going to be messed up with the new situation as it is. Giving up their lives for two months is alot to ask of anyone. I think you need to put things in perspective. If you don't like how this is going to go, hire full time nanny.

I'm sorry M., I would not do it either. I woud rather hire a live in nanny just for those two months. True it will be expensive, but it's temporary.

And to be honest, if my daughter in law asked me to keep her child at my house around the clock for two months, I would do it MY way too. Unless of course she was offering a salary similar to what she would pay a nanny. If it's a JOB I'd do it her way, if it's Me helping HER out, or ME hanging with my grandchild, I'll do it my way, tyvm!

:)

How is a 20 month old going to go to Kindergarden this fall?

1). No I would not send my child to live with inlaws for 2 months. I work. I suggest you find alternative care. There are a ton of college students home this summer looking for a sitting job if you do not want to use regular daycare.

2). If they don't respect your choices for food and sunscreen while in their presence then i think you know they will not respect them when you are not around.

3) I can't imagine going to bed all week every week for two months without my son under this roof. Even when you work, you have hour(s) in the morning before you go to work, hours in the evening to play, have dinner together, give bath, read books etc. I can't imagine why you would need to send him away while you work unless you are military.

No way would I do this. I would find any way possible, even taking money out of savings if that was the only way, to get a nanny for two months.

With all of your concerns about your son's safety and your strong belief that your MIL won't follow your rules for him, how could you even consider it?

Please, do whatever it takes to find another way so you can approach your job with your head where it needs to be and not on worrying about the safety and well-being of your son every second.

Best to you and your family.

J. F.

You have already answered your own question--you can't make them. If you let your son be raised by them for 2 months (which is a huge amount of time for a little guy) you will have a long, horrible uphill battle to get his eating habits and routine and other aspects of his life & care back to where you want it to be.

You sound like your heart and mind are telling you this is not a good idea---and these instincts, based on what you've shared, sound 100% correct. So, follow your instincts. Trust them. And find another way to have this work. If you are in a bind because of financial issues, see if you can qualify for childcare assistance & WIC--call your county's Jobs & Family Services department to start with and go from there. If you belong to a church, check with the outreach or community resources there--they may also be able to help in ways so that you can afford to put him in a daycare of your choice.

Honestly? I would find other daycare arrangements. This plan sounds horrible.

Don't do it! You can find another job! I don't care how dire your situation is-he is a baby and needs his parents! Even Mc Donalds is better than leaving him with family for 2 months. He is your child-not an animal to board at a kennel. Sorry to sound so harsh(I'm really not trying to be a b****) but you also need to consider the legal consequences of what you are doing. They essentially will have physical custody of him for 2 months, making every day decisions and possibly medical ones as well. What if they decide they like having him around? They might be able to claim you and your husband(who sound able bodied and healthy) have abondoned him. Be homeless, go bankrupt whatever but do not separate yourself from your baby!! You will regret it!

SWH

He is not going to forget you.. AND he is not going to remember this time in his life.. he is still young.

If this is something you HAVE to do, then, you have to do it. Some people do not understand that to survive, we HAVE to work. I completely understand.. I could not quit my job and my husband could not quit and his be able to keep our home and pay or bills if we had quit. Jobs are not easy to find right now, so be sure to start looking if this is not something you want to continue to do.

What is your husbands work schedule like?
When our daughter was born, she came early, I took my 6 weeks maternity leave, but when I returned to work as a buyer, I had to go to market for 10 days.

My husband was working full time, and was in total charge of her care.

So he took her to and picked her up from her caregivers house and took care of our daughter alone for all of that time.

They did great. It was a good bonding experience and our daughter was fine.

If you need this job, I did at the time, then he can step up and be a dad at be in total charge of his child.

Otherwise it is time to decide. Do you need this job? Can you find a caregiver to watch your child, so your husband can drop your child off and pick up, or are you going to quit your job and look for a new one?

Otherwise, all you can do is have you AND your husband sit down with the I laws and request they follow your requests for how they care for your child.

They are the ones doing you all a huge favor. You cannot control other people totally... They are going to decide how they are going to care for their grand baby..I am sure they will do their best, but it will be their way.

I could never do this. Why can't you hire a nanny for two months and your husband takes care of him in the evening? Or daycare for two months? I don't understand why your son needs to leave his parents.

If they don't follow what you do while raising your son you have some options.

1. Find a different job that wont take you away from your son for such long periods of time.

2. Find someone who is willing to watch your son locally.. daycare or a nanny to come into the home. Your husband will just have to be in charge of the picking up/ dropping off of your son.

3. Let it go and since your in-laws are being nice enough to do this for you, have some faith in them.

4. Don't start work for another 2 months.

If the others don't work out then #3 is your only option. Sometimes you have to give a little when that is the only thing you have.. wether you like it or not.

Your son is not going to forget you, especially with you there every weekend. When my son was younger I was a single mom and my parents helped me out. They kept my son during the week while I worked on the road and was home weekend. But we lived with them so it wasn't a huge change for him. I also called him every night and talked to him... it was harder on me than it was him. I would cry every night after I got off of the phone and he would go about his business. I only had to do this for a summer and then I was able to save enough to get us into our own place and get a job where I was home with him every night. He didn't have the separation anxiety or anything.. of course he would cry when Sunday night rolled around and I had to leave but it ended quickly and it was not by any means traumatic for him! Now at 15 he doesn't even remember this happening when he was 18 months old. I get sometimes you have to do what you have to do to support your family!

I'm going to guess he's your first. :)

Give them the schedule and then cross your fingers.

Nothing they do will ruin him, and keep in mind they have successfully reared your husband to adulthood.

We've had to do similar arrangements, and it's just much smoother if you realize up front that a) you can't control anyone, and b) grandparents are entitled to a little spoiling.

It will all be ok - and no, he won't forget you. :)

Ask yourself (we do this often), would parents of 3, who have been there and done that, be worried this much?

I am confused as to why you don't have any friends that can babysit for you and let you pay them when the money starts coming in. Or you could do babysitting for trade, maybe letting them have something of yours that they love. Or letting them have some free time on the weekends and trading babysitting for babysitting. If your parents/in-laws are this opposite of you then it will cause nothing but friction.

If it will cost you your child I would have to say no job is worth that. Find a babysitter and work an agreement or tell the grandparents either they come there at least part of the time, more than 50% or the agreement if off.

This is too cruel to your child. He is not old enough to understand where you are and he will start to bond with grandma and want her instead of you when you visit. You will have shown him you are not trustworthy so he will reject you when you visit.

This doesn't sound like a great idea. Kids that young will be very disrupted by such a change and are likely to misbehave or regress in development temporarily. it is a huge stressor on a young child. I saw this all the time when I worked with foster children. Also when my second child was born I have complications and went back into the hospital for 10 days. My mom and in-laws all helped out. My son was almost 3 and his behavior was terrible for months after this, probably close to a year. I really wouldn't do things this way unless there was no other way.

If you have a very good reason to do things this way and want to go ahead with it try and make the transition as smooth as you can. For example invite your in laws to either come to you or you stay with them for a few days to a week as a transition. Write down your daily routine and things you want your in laws to remember but don't bet on it happening. Also write up a letter that says that your child is temporarily in their care and they have permission to get medical help in an emergency. This doesn't have to be fancy, it is basically a permission slip, but it should have your signature and any contact info like a cell number to reach you.

I think your child will be fine but if you are not ok with it, it will not work. Your child will sense your anxiety. Are your relatives going to be ok with a child that might cry for many hours asking for mommy? Your child will not forget you but it may be harder for your relatives (and your child) than they might think. Can you get a nanny for 2 months?

I am so sorry your in this. But I am going to tell you do not do it. He is yours and your husbands son. Find another job. He will be different when you get him back. You cannot parent your child 3 hours away for two months. I as a mother would never do this. I know you must feel bad already and thinking all these things that your inlaws will do. If I were you I would get another job no matter what it took.

I just wouldn't do it. That would be my bottom line. I WOULD not be without either of my children for even a week. He will almost have forgotten you after 2 months. It is a crazy idea, totally crazy.
What to do with him until then? Daycare? How will he go to public kinder at 22 months?
I feel you are not giving us enough info - Why would he have to go 3 hours away? Do you not have in home childcare in your town, or a friend you could pay a little cash too?

I think I am missing something here. If he will be in child care in 2 months, why not now? I do not think sending a child that age away for 2 months is a good idea. Especially if they are not going to have any respect for your routine and beliefs.
Kids that age are at a stage of development where separation from parents can be especially rough. Figure out child care close to home even if it puts extra stress on the family financially for a short time. I know how tough it can be to find a job so I can't tell whether you would have any flexibility there. Good luck! Tough situation for you.

I would choose a local friend or daycare option over sending my toddler away. Even though it is family, you will not beable to spend all your non-work time with him.

Talk to other moms and get referrals.

I have been very happy with our local kindercare and they offer toddler child care. You can pay by the week also.

Having someone keep your child for 2 mos while you get settled is quite a handy tool to have in the shed.
I'd give her a list of his preferred menu, visit every wknd when you can, and keep assuring yourself that it's for the greater good of your family to tackle this little bump in the road.
Your child will not forget about you, you will have him back in 60 days and will be able to get back on track. Your inlaws raised your hubby, and I'm sure if they are willing to tackle taking care of a 2 yr old for a couple of months, it will all turn out just fine in the long run.

I agree with Julie. I would find a way to keep your son in his home. This would be the least disruptive for all. Can you in-laws come for part of the time and then you find a nanny/babysitter for the other part? What about your family? Could they help a little? I think your work will suffer if you are worried about your son.

Two months does seem to be a very long time to be away from a baby, but if you are going to be there every weekend, then it won't be so bad. Try to think of it as a holiday or an adventure. Your in-laws managed to keep their son alive, so I wouldn't worry too much about the dangers or the healthy food. I doubt they are going to be letting a 22 month old out alone. Give your in-laws some instructions in writing, such as his routine, his diet and his need for sunscreen, but don't expect them to be followed to the letter. Chocolate, candy and fast-food aren't going to hurt your son if done in moderation. I'm assuming you have to do this, and you are very lucky to have this option. People who would agree to help you out to this extent certainly couldn't be bad people.

I would not do it, you have too many reservations already about how they will care for him on top of them living 3 hours away. You said it's for financial reasons so you must be able to qualify for childcare assistance? That's something to look in to.

Talk with any friends that you have about other options. Other people in your area may be able to help you come up with a local childcare solution for the 2-month period. Maybe you could find someone who does in-home childcare in your town? You may end up having to pay a lot but it would only be for 2-months and in my opinion well worth it for your peace of mind and most importantly your child.

If you can't make it work with your current job then I would find another job.

Can't your husband help out and keep him at home. I would not be comfortable at all letting my child no matter what age stay that long away from me even if it was for work. I think I would be looking for another job that didn't require me to spend so much time away or to cause my child to have to stay with the grandparents for that period of time. Wanting your child to be safe, healthy and protected from the sun and fast food is not being over protective. I think I would look at it this way. You want all the right things for your child then why not find a job that would protect him from going away and being away for long periods of time? Good Luck I hope you figure out a plan that works for you and your son.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like you can handle this. Your son will be fine. You are naturally overprotective, and that's okay. But you will need to lay off the in-laws a bit.

If you can't figure out a way to keep him with you (e.g., nanny), pick the one, most important, item in your "do it my way" list and push that one only. Don't overwhelm your in-laws with a list of rules, regulations, etc. that will have little long-term effect on your kiddo.

My suggestion would be to push the sunscreen issue. Bring enough sunscreen for at least 2 months of liberal use. Also, buy swimsuits with rashguards and a summer hat. That will help prevent most sunburn if mil is not diligent.

Let go of food issues, scheduling issues, sleep issues, etc. A messed up schedule will affect your in-laws more than you during the two months. You can suggest a schedule that works for you, but let them learn the hard way, if they need to. Your kiddo will slip back into your routine fairly quickly when he comes back.

One more note: make sure they're giving him whole fat milk and dairy. This is a critical time for brain development and adequate fat intake is the key. You could always stock up their fridge with the right milk/yogurt while you're there on the weekends.

Bottom line is that no one will take the same care with your child that you do. but having said that it is not going to be so bad that your little one gets a piece of chocolate or a happy meal.

Your not over protective but you will have to let go of the control of every minute stuff. If your son is going into kindergarten in the fall he is old enough to say no thank you to things. Send the sunblock with if you want it on him. And remind him to use it if they are outside swimming etc. Also send him a baseball cap along that will help with sunburn on the face.

Your in-laws must be semi ok about raising a child after all they raised your husband right? Breath in and out and don't act like this is an awful thing. Or your little one will go into it all upset and thinking its awful. To him this time he gets to spend with grandma and grandpa should be looked at as an adventure. So treat it as such. And don't put a wall between him and them over little things. Otherwise this gift your being given of a family sitter at a time when you need it the most might be withdrawn. Sometimes if you are so overbearing with your demands about your child a family member will decide this is too much of a hassle and will just not do it anymore.

also not sure if this was a mistake in your typing. but first you say your 20 month old then you say he is going to kindergarten in the fall. which is he kindergarten age or 20 months?

At 22 months, your son is going to go to public kindergarten?

Anyway, there is really no way to enforce your rules when you aren't around. They certainly will do what they want.

I don't think you're being overprotective by using sunblock. I would really try to stress this with your MIL - tell her to just watch the commercials.

I totally understand having financial problems but I DON'T understand sending your child to stay with someone (relatives or not!) that you're totally uncomfortable with.

My MIL was a jerk with my kids ONCE and I never let her watch them again! End of story!

There's GOT to be another option!!! Is there a teenager nearby? I have several teens around the neighborhood I would totally trust before I'd send my kids to my MIL again!! AND that's taking into consideration they'd probably be on the phone half the time!!! lol!!!

Good luck!!!

If you are genuinely worried about his safety, for his sake and yours, just find a sitter for two months, even if it's more than you can afford.

If you're mostly worried about diet and schedule, two months isn't going to do any serious damage and is a small price to pay for having family care for your child. And he's definitely not going to forget you.

Good luck and try not to stress about it. Just do what you feel in your gut is the right thing for everyone.

I would look into a nanny who could be home with your son, or even an au pair - usually they are students from a foreign country that come here to attend college, and are able to stay with a family in return for helping out with child care. You could probably go through an agency that matches au pairs with families and find out what their requirements are (i.e. certain number of hours of work per week, etc.). Any nanny or au pair that you hire would be expected to follow your instructions regarding diet, sunscreen, etc. - more so than your in-laws would. And he would still be in his own home and be with you when you and his father when you are home, rather than a totally different environment.

Either that, or I would wait until he can go to child care before getting back to into the work force if you can swing it.

Could you please explain why he has to live with your in-laws for two months so you can return to work? Is dad not in the picture to care for your son? Will you be working 24/7? Is there no child care option at all to care for him while you work?

It's hard to answer the question, not knowing what's really going on. I can only picture a parent having to do what you describe if the parent must travel for those two months and there is not another parent in the picture at all to care for the child.

Why can't a grandparent come move into YOUR house for two months to care for him, so he is in his familiar location??

If your in-laws are pressuring you to do this, and insisting that your toddler needs to be with them instead, of you -- Could it be that they want your child and might attempt to hang onto him after the two months are over?

What is your relationship with them like? It sounds like they do not respect any of your parenting choices and there may be a lot to "undo" when you get your child back.

Again, hard to tell. Please let us know why this arrangement would even come up because it's hard to respond otherwise. For a child this age, two months is a very long time, especially for a child use to a routine that will be broken by a move like that.

Also, you mention that after the two months he would go to a "public kindergarten" -- kids that young do not go to any "kindergarten." Do you mean he'll be in some form of child care and then you could handle having him living back with you?

From the information you posted, this situation sounds crazy to me. You are not going to be happy and you deserve to have sanity. I sent my children to a babysitter for just 6 hours a day that I was not completely comfortable with. It did not start out that way, but I learned very quickly she did not respect my wishes. Nothing life threatening, she just wouldn't stick to our schedule/routine, would feed them whatever they wanted and would not make them pick up after themselves. Like I said, nothing life threatening, but it drove me insane. The entire time I was at work, I would be thinking about them and what they were doing that I did not agree with. I also did not like that I was paying someone to care for my children and she would not follow my instructions. They are my children and my option about how they should be raised should be followed....unless they were ridiculous of course. Anyway, like I said this was only for a few hours a day and I was useless at my job. I could not imagine being in that situation for 5 days during the week and then try to bring the kids back to where I think they should be only on the weekends. I don't think anyone is going to be happy in this situation.

Oh ya and 2 months is a long time....especially to a child. You will never get that time back. I know I am not easing your fears and I am sorry about that. Just do what you think is right for your family which includes everyone's happiness.

This is better than what you proposed in January with your son living with your MIL for over a year and only visiting every two to three weeks because of the cost of gas. Is your husband still not on board with taking care of his son? Are you still only working until 6pm (totally normal) and off weekends?

This situation does not seem like a good idea at all. Is it a different culture or country? My mother's much younger step children are living with their grandparents in a small village while their father lives in Shanghai because there are not many jobs. Same for my father's nieces and nephews in Mexico.

Your MIL is way too pushy in demanding that she have your son.

Uh, wouldn't you rather send him to daycare at this point? Why can't your son's father help? It's kind of odd to ship a baby off like that when both parents are around, working or not. Is your son's father's job in the city you live in?