I Had Lunch with My Almost Ex Husband.

Everyone's divorce is different. What's right for you isn't going to be right for another person, and vice versa.

I mean... if you had a restraining order against him... then, yeah. That might be a seriously bad idea (voluntarily meeting usually ends up as ground to break a restraining order). But, to the best of my knowledge, you don't. Instead you're having a fairly civil separation, and are paving the way towards a fairly civil divorce. That's going to mean an entirely separate set of "rules" than someone going through a wicked ugly divorce.

Cordial and civil for the kids. Don't share this stuff at work - you don't need the input from others to color the civil co-parenting relationship you will need for the sake of the kids. Some people are just not mature. It's none of their business.

You did nothing wrong. It makes sense, as long as HE doesn't get his lines crossed and think that a reconciliation is in the cards.

You have a child together. It is healthy and normal to have a cordial relationship, and a 30 minute lunch helps pave the way for that. I'd just keep it to myself next time so the ladies in your office don't go ballistic. They don't need to know about it, because it doesn't affect them and you've done nothing wrong.

You two have a child together.
Civility will only benefit a relationship that you will have with him for quite a while still.
Otherwise, bad idea.
Did he ever take you out to lunch before you were separated?

You might want to reconsider being so open so soon about your personal life with co-workers.

You know in your heart of hearts that he has unaddressed issues with alcohol and any attempt at "fixing" this in any way hinges entirely upon him getting help, right?

Good luck.

it kinda got me thinkin that if u really think its just lunch then why post about it.............

Well, let the office gossip be what it is... who cares?
We all try to protect our female friends from men whom we have decided are villains.
I always figure if you share a kid together you should be as cordial as you can. Sounds like that's where you are going. BUT, if you actually worked things out and got back together that too would be a good thing. We all do what we want, right? You arent feeling pressured. Give your office bitches the skinny, keep them posted. Dont let them assume and just gossip.... unless you WANT to, lol.
Just mind your p's and q's, read between the lines. The divorce is not quite final....
You are too smart to fall for bs. I am not worried about you.

In my opinion, having a friendly, respectful relationship with your ex is important. If you can do it, great. If the people at your work can't understand that, they are not thinking clearly. He doesn't have to be your best friend, but getting along with him is critical. Keep your personal and your work life separate.

There is nothing wrong with having lunch. I can tell you that Tom went through patterns. Evil!! Worse than evil including the older kids. Then wanting to talk about it, lunch and all that. Then as soon as it felt like old times, old times being me miserable and him acting like everything is great. He would say lets call the attorneys and call it off. Lather rinse repeat!

So what I am saying don't let it be a pattern, if it is just lunch, enjoy.

Riley, he is a lot like yours! That much I know because he is just like mine. :(

Okay, well I have NO idea what may have gone on in the past with your soon-to-be-ex, but I assume that's where their concern comes in.

In general, though, I think you're right. It's a good stepping stone to be able to progress and move to friendly interactions.

My son's father and I, though never married, have had our ups and downs for the past 16 years. We have had periods of no contact at all, and periods when we wind up talking on the phone or hanging out together for hours. By far, the most productive times in our relationship, and the healthiest times for our son, are the ones wherein we talk and get along.

Keeping it civil, even friendly, is, ultimately, best for the children I believe. I want(ed) my son to learn that even though his father and I are not a couple that we can be friendly and cooperative. It is a more stable situation for my son.

R., you are a smart, strong woman. I believe that you can balance a 30 minute, friendly, lunch with your soon to be ex with moving forward with your life.

As for co-workers - mine were often aghast when I mentioned being on good terms with my ex. I solved that by just not mentioning him to them. LOL After all, I knew they were just concerned for me, but it was easier for us all to just not talk about him.

I haven't read your answers buy my gut feeling is if you can get through the divorce and still be cordial and/or civil to each other than you are better off than 99% of the rest of divorced people. Really - you both choose not to be married. Why do you have to hate each other? If you could have a conversation along those lines and both agree to speak well of the other person in front of your kids, then I say do it. It will be better for your sanity and for all concerned parties. Divorce is hard. Life is hard. You don't need to make it harder by throwing a lot of mud around. You'll both be better for it & good luck with everything.

I don't believe all separations/divorces are the same or have to follow certain rules. Do what works for the two of you. It is only your relationship, no one else's.

I'm writing this from my ex's dining room table, as we spent time together today getting our daughter ready to go on a girl scout camping weekend, and I just didn't feel like going home to an empty apartment just yet.

R.....

For the kids you and Rob need to be civil to each other.

I don't think it's a bad thing...as long as there was no hanky-panky...why? because if he gets a lawyer and uses his daddy's money for it - they may use it against you.

Keep everything on the up and up...be civil...you can do it. Are you around this weekend?

Updated

R.....

For the kids you and Rob need to be civil to each other.

I don't think it's a bad thing...as long as there was no hanky-panky...why? because if he gets a lawyer and uses his daddy's money for it - they may use it against you.

Keep everything on the up and up...be civil...you can do it. Are you around this weekend?

Congratulations.... you were able to have an enjoyable time with him. I'm not being sarcastic..... I'm truly happy.

Some people just don't work out being married, but they CAN pull it together and be friends, and be cordial and civil toward each other, which is best when children are involved.... ultimately, you want to be able to talk civilly with him when you are around each other, and be able to work with each other for your child's best interests.

You do, what feels right to YOU. As you have learned, do not say anything to anyone, as everyone will have an opinion and make you second guess yourself.

I think it is fine to have lunch with your soon to be ex. After all, you want a friendly relationship with him for the sake of your kids. Gosh, my SIL lived with her husband while they were separated (probably a bad example because they are now back together).

A friendly divorce IS possible.
Bu I only know ONE couple who've remained friends after splitting (and remarrying other people later on).
It's a rare thing.
Lunch is alright.
Provided it doesn't confuse you and unbalance your emotions.
You are breaking up for good reasons.
And you don't have to tell everyone your personal business.

It goes against the thought of having "separation" and moving forward to your lives alone. The thought is one could make this "separation" process linger on forever and create an awful lot of d r a m a.

Not true in all cases. Hopefully his feelings are the same as yours.

I once broke up with my X for years. We were okay with it, but we had a hard time going our own ways.

what i do know is that you can not have sex while seperated or the seperation time has to start over.

as far as the other stuff i don't see why you can't be together in public and be civil.

I think being cordial is and polite is wonderful for the sake of the children and to help keep your own stress levels manageable. But I think that your coworkers are concerned about his ulterior motives. Suppose he was fishing for information? Suppose He somehow twists the luncheon between you into something else for his lawyer to try to use?

During the actual divorce, I would definitely be polite and friendly and even kind, but I would really be careful about keeping all communication in writing and all interactions with witnesses that you know. I would continue documenting everything, including the conversation that you had at lunch no matter how innocent it was, just in case his lawyer whips that date and time out in court saying, "She made it clear during this lunch that she was interesting in _____ and attempted to _____. Clearly she had ulterior motives in this meeting." This way you can say, "I remember this lunch. He invited me and we discussed this: _____."

Good for you. It's better for the kids, for you to be civil.

Just be careful. Hopefully, hos goal isn't to make this a thing...to make you and him a thing. Not that YOU want that, or would ever give into to that. However, it makes the whole divorce, and attempt at civility difficult. Conditional civility (if he's trying to butter you up) usually ends up really bad when one doesn't want that.

If it were ME, I would keep the friendliness to phone, email, dropping the kiddos off coresponsing. You made a great first step, broke the ice, but you don't want to keep stepping in that way. In my opinion, of course.

You can't listen to everyone's opinion, from now on keep your business to yourself!

Some marriages are worth saving, some are not. Either way, if two adults can figure out a way to end as friends that's a good thing.

I actually think its pretty awesome. And I am happy he is not making you miserable. You know, and hopefully he knows you have to be this for Roman.
I, personally would call it mature.....But hey, some people cannot wrap their minds around that.
No offense to your coworkers!
I admire your strength.

You want to know what is real annoying? My husbands parents divorce 20 years ago still haunts us all. Seriously, grow up!

I didn't. He's not worth the effort.

It sounds like your co-workers are some very nosy busybodies. Why should they care that you ate lunch with your soon to be ex-husband? What business is theirs telling you what to do at lunch and who to eat with anyway? Like CookingMom said, it is so nice to be cordial and civil. And, it is great to be that way for the sake of the children. My mom and dad have always been very civil and gotten along very well and for that I am so grateful. It would have been horrible if they fought and argued every time they saw each other or even worse if they were silent and refused to speak to one another. You are blessed to be on good speaking terms with him especially since there are many people out there who cannot communicate with their exes at all without an argument, fight or big blowup.

My guess is they are more concerned about what he thinks is going on than what's actually going on with you. You definitely don't want to send mixed signals if your mind is made up (to get a divorce). That said, if no romantic overtures were made or even implied, I think it's okay but would worry that he will view it as a "date" and think you might be on the road to reconciliation. You have to decide what you think his intentions were - you know him best and whether or not you are open to that. What was his reason for lunch in his email? All of that said, it would be very advantageous for you to become friends since you have a child together and your girls are so close to him. Your children will greatly benefit from a cordial relationship between you two moving forward.

Hi, R.:
Everyone has an opinion, even if it is wrong.
One thing you might have to learn is to accept that
some people will not see your point of view.
That's okay, you do what you think is best for you.
I'm glad you had a good lunch.
All the Best.
D.

In MD, it's okay as long as you aren't living together and aren't being intimate. There is a separation period for a reason, to see if there is any change of reconciliation. Lunch is nothing wrong, in my view. Just be careful not to let him hurt your heart any more...I know sometimes the thought of the good him can overtake the reasons you are getting a divorce.

I am happy to hear you had a peaceful lunch because I am praying you guys can work it out!

I have learned that when you are going through something with a spouse it is best to not vent to to many people esp those who are already going through something. I do not think it is a good idea to vent to the coworkers.

Just remember what I said that it is business only going forward so you had a business lunch on how to be cordial! good job.......