I Am Just Tired of All Issues in My Marriage

Don't count on his getting nicer. There is only one thing that MIGHT change a man who behaves this way, and that is the reality of his family leaving him. But even that won't be enough for many men.

I left my first husband several times over 13 years. He would cry and promise me the world, and I'd come back and give him another chance. Changes never lasted beyond 2 weeks, and usually only 2 days. I finally left for good, and my life changed for the better.

There's a lot that's difficult about starting over with a child to support, but in my experience, it was a joyful piece of work. I even met and married the most perfect man in the world for me a couple of years later. But even without the new man, I was so much happier, and more positive and energetic.

I should mention that I got individual counseling for a few months to help me understand WHY I was attracted to demanding, abusive men (childhood history) and how possible it actually was to make a change. My 'wasband' fought and threatened every step of the way, but I knew if I let him overcome my resolve, I would psychically die of misery in a terrible marriage, and I could see that my daughter was becoming afraid of her dad. I just couldn't allow that to happen.

I wish you happiness.

You want to prove to him you are not lazy?

Leave him, take your son and show you can survive without husband.

You do not deserve to be treated like this by anyone, especially a person that should love you and respect you unconditionally.

Your son needs to know his mom is strong and will not stand for people treating her the way your husband is treating you.

I am sending you strength.

He is abusive.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is how he is supposed to treat women?

By staying in this marriage, you are allowing your husband to teach your son how to behave toward his future partner.

There are a lot of domestic violence hotlines you can call and get advice.

You say he has been violent toward you in the past... do you want it to escalate toward violence toward your son?

You need to start making a plan now on how to escape this man.

This could be me, writing about my abusive ex in 2004. I left him in 2005.

Read the information on this site. It really helped me to understand that I was not the problem. www.youarenotcrazy.com

Leaving him will change your life. For the better. And your child? Will be better off. Do you really want your child to think that your marriage is what marriage is supposed to be like? Yuck.

ETA: And no, he won't change. Because he doesn't think he's the problem. Think about it. Can you talk with him about how he is without him going off on you and then turning it around and making it sound like you're the problem?

is this how you want your son to grow up?
this is the only male role model he has.
but if that's okay, so long as he doesn't grow up to drink or cheat, then it's fine to stay.
if you want better for him as well as you, you know what you have to do. even if it's hard.
khairete
S.

L., the answer to your question in your additional comments is NO. He will NOT change one day. However, he WILL teach your son to talk to you this way, as well as to his wife when he grows up. And by staying with him, you will be teaching your son that this is appropriate behavior. This is WORSE than your son "growing up without a father". And I promise you that this man will threaten you like nobody's business to get sole custody of your son. The court will most likely give joint custody, so don't listen to anything he says. Let your lawyer handle everything. You will want to have everything ready to file with the court the moment you have him served with separation papers, especially having temporary custody of your son, so that he can't say you "kidnapped" him.

Before you go, buy yourself some office clothes. SO WHAT if he pitches a fit. You could lose your job because you dress poorly. There are places that you can look for gently used clothes, like Goodwill or Salvation Army. You don't owe him an explanation for why you bought the clothes. To be honest, I'd leave them at the office for a while to make sure he doesn't throw them out in anger. You can change clothes when you get to work.

Take anything that is special to you out of the house before you have him served with separation papers so that he doesn't destroy it. Don't be there when the server comes. You do NOT want your son to have to bear the brunt of his wrath. Don't talk on the phone with him. Only use texting and email. If he shows up at your office, tell your lawyer and get a restraining order against him.

Please get out of this mess. You have a child to think of - it will be WRONG of you to allow him to grow up thinking that this is the way you treat a woman. And that's what you're doing right now, L.. You're allowing your son to learn this terrible behavior.

Why would you do this?

You need to go to a lawyer and get ALL your ducks in a row and leave this man.

He's hurt you, he batters you emotionally, he chastizes you like a little girl when you purchase something you need (yes I say need-like lipstick-I need it) and you're never good enough for him. And you should overlook these issues?
You said you don't know what to do. I think you do know what to do. Break it down here: you either live with it forever, knocked down smaller and smaller so there's not much left of you to give or you plan a way to get out of it. If you are that scared I am sure your child is picking up on this. Why don't you value yourself enough to take some strategies to protect yourself and your child. The man sounds like a bully and I for one think you are much better than being a victim.

Get a divorce. It really is that simple.

He is abusive --- leave him.

He won't change. Your son sees how he treats you.Do you want your son to grow up and think this is how a good husband acts?

Don't allow yourself to be abused.

Leave.

Your son is already growing up without a father. This is not how a father or a husband should be treating his family. When your son grows up, do you want him to treat his wife like your husband treats you? You need to find out why you accept being treated like this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Looks up me there's only O. issue with your marrisge.
Your husband.
He's a controller and an abuser.
Betcha he was like this while you were dating too.
Get some counseling.
Good luck!

Wow! Exhausting! Do what you need to do for yourself first & your kid will applaud you for that when he is older. Prayers

IF he does change, it won't be on your timeframe. You can't wait for him to wake up.

No, he won't change...for the better. He will get worse and worse and worse. And when attacking you and belittling you and wearing you down until you have no sense of your self left no longer satisfies him, he will go after your son next.

You and your son deserve better than this. Please call the national domestic violence hotline to start gathering information and putting together a plan to get out safely. You are good enough and strong enough to do this. You are better than him and you and your son deserve so much more in life than the life you'll have with him. Please, start making your plan for a future free of your abusive, controlling husband, TODAY.

ADD: I agree with Doris Day re. the clothes. I had VERY little money when I first graduated from college and not great office clothes. I went to Goodwill or Salvation Army and got NICE pants/shirts and sometimes even shoes. These things cost between $2-5 per item. I gradually changed my wardrobe by buying a few pieces every couple weeks. It made a difference. You can do this for your kid's clothes too, if money is tight. They are gently used, and kids grow so fast there is no good reason to buy $15 jeans that a kid will grow out of in 3-6 months when you can get them for $5 or less.

ORIGINAL: The only way he will change is if HE wants to change. Talk to a woman's shelter about options. Talk to him about counseling. Get counseling for yourself. For your son's sake, this either needs to be fixed or left behind, because he will learn relationships from yours.

#1 This is not how a good husband is--or father fugure
#2 You need to find out what attracted you to him, so you don't repeat this down the line (A good therapist/counselor)
#3 Neither you or your son should be subjected to this (You will look back on this one day and wish u left sooner)
#4 Make a plan (gd comments below)
#5 When someone is cruel, you need to let go...Unless he gets his tail into counseling ASAP.

Falling in love is not the same as being in love. He is not loving you or your child. He is angry and abusive. If he is not capable of loving, then, you should find somebody who will.

You need friends !! Buy yourself some clothes ! Your son is not seeing a gd role model !

Girl, start doing little things for yourself asap! Buy more makeup, clothes and things for your son. Every paycheck make sure you invest in yourself, save and clean up your credit if it's not already cleaned. You have to work on your self esteem if not you'll continue to be miserable. Join a meet up group and go to a self defense class. He's going to be mad when he sees you taking better care of yourself but so what, he's going to criticised no matter what so you might as well give him a reason for now on. When he says you shop all the time say " you're absolutely right darling and I will continue to do things for myself, now what?" Be confident and stay strong. Don't worry about losing him because it will be you that will be found!!!

He WILL NOT change - he has no reason to. You need to contact a domestic violence shelter and make arrangements for you and your son to go there as soon as possible. He IS NOT a good father or husband and you and your child deserve better than this. Take 1/2 of all money in a joint account, checking and savings and LEAVE!