I Am in a Difficult Situation, and I Would like Your Opinions, Please

Listen, in the event you ever just TALK to her about it, ask her if she'll take MY kids instead!

:)

(I'll never understand why people can't just talk about stuff)

Why not just ask them - hey, Son said you are taking him to Europe. What's this all about? Then let them explain. And then, once you know details, you can decide and be completely up-front with them on the decision. I'm not sure how you already decided no when you don't even know what the plans are.

Then, after you've discussed it, you can go to your son and say "I talked it over with Grandma and Grandpa, and you can go to Europe when you are 13 and the whole family is going with you (or whatever the plan is)." Or "I talked it over with them, and I'm sorry, but what they planned just isn't going to work. I'm sorry that they got you excited about the trip before they figured out that it wasn't feasible." Either way, you are straight-up honest with both your inlaws and your child about the plans.

Why haven't you even bothered to ask your husband? I'm stumped. It seems like you are creating drama by getting upset when you haven't done all of your homework on this....

ETA: Just felt I needed to add: when I was 13, our family was pretty strapped financially. My stepdad made plans to take his kids to visit his sister and family in Rio de Janerio-- when he asked his stepmom for the money from his dad's trust, she replied that she'd only pay for the trip if he took ALL the kids. I've always been grateful to her for that opportunity. Please reconsider your fears... it was one of the best experiences of my life and opened my eyes to so much.

It is sad you automatically assume they are trying to be sneaky, that says a lot about how you must view them, your poor husband (remember he loves them as much as you love your own parents). I would have assumed that they simply took it for-granted that I would say yes to my son having such an amazing opportunity. As someone who got the chance to live overseas as a young person I can say it really is amazing and helps one grow as a person. If you must insist he does not go then tell him no. It is not about being the "bad guy", saying no is part of parenting. Yes, I would have preferred to be asked first (and they would have gotten my enthusiastic yes), but if the answer is no it is my no to give, and with his first cousins going I know he would have found out about the trip anyways, so clearly he would have known you said no either way. Stop trying to make yourself out to be some sort of victim.

To me it's significant that your original post never once mentions your husband at all; it's entirely about you and your in-laws and your relationship with them. You mention him in your SWH only long enough to note that you have no idea whether they discussed this trip with your husband and that you have not even asked him yet (though you say you now will).

Why is he -- their adult son, your husband, and your son's father with as much say in this trip as you have yourself -- not part of this whole issue from the very start? Why aren't you and he communicating about something that clearly has you so riled at his parents? Is he mama's boy and likely to say yes to anything, so you have kept this from him since you figure he'll just "go along to get along" leaving you as the bad guy to everyone else? Or is he the kind to say, "Oh, you decide" and leave you again to be the villain? Or do you and he just not discuss your relationship with his parents?

There is much more going on here than this trip. Yes, you're right about the in-laws being out of line to start promoting this trip with your child before getting an OK from you AND your husband, clearly and specificially. But you now need to be clear and unequivocal with them that you and your husband must discuss this; neither of you has said yes or no, yet; and they must not spend any money on reservations or make plans until AFTER they hear an answer that comes from both you and your husband. Give them a date by which you will give them a firm yes or no.

You even mention that "I will probably say no" and "they are guessing that I'm going to say no" but you never say that you went to them and said loud and clear, "Son says you have promised him this trip. I am very sorry to hear it from him and not directly from you, and from now on, please talk directly with Husband and me, not with son, about this. We have not yet said either yes or no, and you two and Husband and I need to sit down and discuss what you have in mind so we can make an informed choice. It's generous to offer this, but we need more informaiton, and you need our permission, which hasn't happened yet. Please don't discuss this any more with Son because he's getting very worked up and excited, and we don't want him to be disappointed if it does not pan out."

Your husband, not you, really should be the one saying this.

Then you four all DO need to sit down and they should lay out when they propose to do this (have they thought through things like not doing it too close to the start of the school year or during a treasured camp he wants to do?), if they expect you to kick in some money (maybe they figure you'll pay his plane fare....?), etc. This could still be a yes -- I know a couple of families where the grandparents do a big trip with grandkids when the grandkids hit certain milestone birthdays, and you might want to reassess, if you can be objective, whether your resistance is to the trip itself or to the idea that the in-laws whom you have issues with are the ones proposing it.

But the much larger issue is a lot of lack of communication - between them and you, between you and them, and between you and your husband. The last one is the biggest issue, truly. His parents are his to handle, but he can't if you don't keep him informed about something as huge as this proposal.

Whoa!! back up the bus! This is all about, "They told my son that when he is 13, they want to take him to Europe. They have not been discussing this with him for the past two years." They said in passing that they want to take the cousins when they turn 13 to Europe and you have been stewing on this since? What are you waiting for, burnt offerings? Them to come bow before you and beg for your son's hand in vacation? You have some serious control issues you may want to find help for.

Oh and how is that repeatedly telling?
You sure you aren't saying no to teach them not to "manipulate" you because that is sure what this sounds like.

You have said they have been planning this for a while and it is two years from now. So instead of hurting your son so you can teach them a lesson put your son first say you need to stop talking to him because I am going to say no.

When this blows up you are just as much at fault for your son's feelings. They aren't doing anything, you are all doing this.

You PM me this isn't your fault. You know about it. You are doing nothing to protect your son. How is that not your fault? I would never do what you are doing to my kids, not sure why you want to deny you have a part in this dance. When you know about something the behind my back excuse is invalid.

Let me put this plainly, you are doing nothing to protect your son's feelings, that is your fault.

Just something to think about: Would you be just as upset if your inlaws took the cousins to Europe, having talked about it for two years, and didn't include your son?

You must have a pretty crappy relationship with your inlaws if you're already so bent out of shape about something that hasn't happened and has no potential to happen for another 2 years (edit: okay, one and a half...when he's 13). That's sad. Your intial response was to stew on this and insist that you're being manipulated instead of picking up the phone and asking for clarification. Clear communication is also common courtesy. Consider taking the high road.

Me personally? If my kid told me that, my initial response would be non-committal. "Wow, really? They said that? Hm. Well, Grandma hasn't yet talked to us about it. Mom and Dad will have to talk about it with Grandma and Grandpa before we decide whether or not it's okay for you to go. Leaving the country is a pretty big deal. We will consider it."

And we really WOULD consider it, not just be all butthurt and bent out of shape and accusing of the motives behind someone offering to bring our child TO EUROPE. Man, yeah...what jerks, right? Offering to cart your 13 year old across the world to see and do amazing things that he'll remember for the rest of his life. How could they?

All sarcasm aside, if this were me? I'd be just as excited as he is. And I'd be planning a sweet, romantic vacay for my husband and I while they're gone!

Wow. If someone offered to take my 13 year old son to Europe, and they were paying, I can't think of a single reason not to let him go. What kind of reasons could you have to say no? Are they drug smugglers? Are they going to sell him on the black market? Sorry, I really don't get the problem here.

ETA: I don't think it is normal to ask the parent and then ask the child. We always ask the child, then the parent.

You've written a pretty long post and repeated the same things over and over. What you haven't done is explain what your "reasons" are for not wanting them to take them. How can we give you proper answers if we don't know why you don't want them to take him?

That's what's missing here.

Stop being upset and just call your MIL and tell her that something this "big" isn't something they can just promise your son. Tell her that YOU will make the decision as to whether or not he can go, and you don't like that she's talking to your son about it prematurely. Tell her that all she is doing is setting him up for unhappiness and disappointment if indeed you decide this isn't going to happen. Tell her not to promise your child things without approving them with you. You'll probably make her angry, but if they don't like it, you just stop taking your son over to see them until they calm down and listen to you.

Why on earth would you NOT want that experience for your child?
Ultimately, it's up to you & your husband.

My thoughts? You are creating your own drama. You haven't talked to anyone about this except your 11 1/2 year old son. You have really no idea what was said or how. But you sure are angry about this and honestly I don't know why. Again, YOU haven't talked to ANYONE. Your inlaws, husband. No one.

I don't know what your issues are with your inlaws. You don't say. I don't know if this was sort of a wish for your inlaws because again you haven't talked to anyone. Oh but they are sneaky and manipulative. Wow. You must have one heck of a relationship with these people.

I am going to be honest with you, before you get your knickers in a twist, do some fact finding. Like, I don't know talk to your husband!!! And your inlaws. Geesh.

And for the sake of your son and husband, get the large chip off your shoulder regarding the inlaws.

I can't imagine not letting my kids go. What an amazing opportunity - but I am all about getting my kids to experience the world and different cultures. Without knowing your reasons as to why he can't go, I do think you're being ridiculous. But if your reasons are safety related, then that's a whole other issue.

Your post is very telling about your marriage and relationship with your in-laws.

This is NOT a difficult situation. It's pretty clear to me you need to communicate with your husband and your in-laws.

You haven't spoken to your husband about it, you don't know if he knows or if he has already approved the trip.

I don't know how I would feel about this. I don't have that kind of relationship with my in-laws. My mother-in-law and I have grown closer since we moved to Georgia and after my father-in-laws sudden and unexpected death last year.

This is an awesome experience for you son. I would have a VERY hard time saying no to this experience.

Please get your marriage and relationship with your in-laws fixed. You guys really need to learn how to talk to/with each other. You are holding a lot of anger towards you in-laws. Life is too short.

Go talk with your husband, NOW. Together you talk to the in-laws and get this situation resolved. Stop beating around the bush with your son. You are NOT being fair to him by telling him you already are saying NO to the trip, which I think is very unfortunate.

After my mother went on cruise of the mediterranean with a trip to Venice, DS, then 3 said he hoped he could go with her next time. She said, sure, when you are older. He pressed, and she said, when you are 7, have some adult teeth and can read. If she is around and able, and he seems mature enough and agreeable, I would let them go. Even though it started off as a bit of a joke, and an assuagement.

I am with Julie S. on this one. Just make sure that you are certain about your motivations for saying no. I don't care for the way they introduced the idea, but that, in and of itself should not be reason alone to deny permission.

Best,
F. B.

How do you KNOW you are being manipulated by anybody? You haven't talked to anyone yet - other than a super excited 11 year old boy, who may or may not have all the facts. Plus, this is something that is 2 years away and you are getting upset about it now? You have tons of time to figure this out. Does your son even have a passport? If not, he couldn't even go without you and your husband "agreeing" to this venture so I really feel like you are putting the cart WAY ahead of the horse.

It seems that you do not trust/like your in-laws. However, if they are taking other grandkids, someone in your family must think they are doing a pretty good job as grandparents and able to internationally travel with kids and show them a good time.

I think you are way too hung up on "they didn't ask me first! and because they didn't ask me first, he can't go!" This isn't about you. Ask yourself, do they feel like they HAVE to manipulate me in order to spend time with their own grandchild?

One more thing - 13 is young, but not THAT young. Many kids do school trips at that age abroad for a summer trip and do just fine with much less supervision that your child would likely have. Unless your in-laws are completely crazy/incapable, he will be just fine.

Let go of feeling manipulated and look at this from everyone else's point of view, including your son's, husband's and in-laws.

"...they want to take him to Europe..." not they ARE taking him to Europe. Listening is a skill - seems that you need to practice. You are taking what an 11 year old interpreted them to say as opposed to asking them what they said or if this is something they are truly considering. It could be that they planned to take the cousins and your son overheard something about it and they told him they "wanted" to take him also, not that they are going to take him. They could have just been trying to get themselves out of a sticky situation. Ask, don't assume.

"I don't think they discussed this with my husband. I haven't asked him"

You put this while issue out to a bunch of nameless people online and you don't even know if they spoke with your husband about this trip? The first person you should be speaking with is the SON of these people.

It's pretty simple. You speak privately with your spouse, come to an agreement about whether or not this trip is even an option. If it's a no go you speak with your son first stating why you would not allow him to go. Then have your husband talk to his parents.

Your post screams of underlying issues with your in laws and frankly control issues on your part.

Well as the parent it's always up to YOU where your kids go or don't go.
What does your husband think, does he have any say in raising his children or is it just you?
And I don't know what you mean by "behind my back?"
When you are all together as a family why hasn't this been discussed?
Sorry, I have more questions than answers but I just don't get why you haven't simply TALKED about this, all together, as a family.
"Hey MIL and son I'm not really comfortable with this trip for reasons xyz, and your dad/son (your husband) agrees"
Then bring your husband into the conversation.
It's basic communication, not rocket science.
And so WHAT if your son is disappointed that you say no, or is he one of those kids who always gets what he's offered?
Believe me, my kids have been disappointed many times over the years, being a parent isn't always about hearts and rainbows.

I'm with B on this one . . . would be livid myself.

We have taken our kids on two international trips and it's a big deal. It's not like picking up and going the next state or two over.

I also would not appreciate them planting the seed as a manipulation tool (if they have a patter of behavior in doing stuff like this). Your husband should talk with them imho.

It is VERY RARE that I read ahead. But with your SWH, I had to.

From reading from the beginning - even BEFORE - I read ahead - my first instinct was to tell you that you created this situation. HOW ??? you might ask. By being SO CONTROLLING that your in-laws do NOT want to talk to you. How sad is that? They know you so well already that they KNOW what your answer will be.

What are your reasons for not wanting him to go?
Are they alcoholics?
Are they suffering from dementia and might lose him?
Are they irresponsible?
Will they talk about the trip and then ask you for money for the trip?

WHERE is your husband in all of this?? WHY is HE not talking to his parents? I don't get where your husband is in all of this. You're saying that your son is ONLY talking about this trip to YOU??? Where is your husband when your son is talking about it??? WHY have you NOT talked WITH your husband about this yet?? (maybe because you know you're being too controlling??)

For me? I would have to know WHY you are saying NO. But in all reality? This is on you. You created the situation when you, apparently, need to control everything.

I don't think you are being manipulated. I think they ARE trying to communicate with you - but feel you are so closed up that they cannot talk to you. Why not take a step back and go over your relationship with your in-laws? Why not take a step back and see how YOU react to them and YOU behave??! It's hard to see our own flaws, it's hard to see the "bad" we bring to a situation, but in this case? YOU REALLY NEED TO STEP BACK. Have you given them ANY respect? YOU want to be respected - but have YOU respected them?? Hard to answer, really. Especially when you don't think you've done anything wrong.

If they aren't asking you to flip the bill, what is the problem?

You need to stop playing games with your son. You are. You are being passive-aggressive with the "I don't know if you are going to go" but telling us that you are going to say NO. You need to have a frank conversation with EVERYONE involved and state your concerns. Your SON MUST know WHY you are not allowing this.

You can tell them you are sorry that they felt they could NOT talk to you and your husband about this trip BEFORE they mentioned it to your son - if you want to get a jab in - but in reality - this is ON YOU. The obviously feel they cannot talk to you or feel that you will NOT allow them any time with their grandchildren.

Again, check yourself here and see how you treat and react to them. If you are honest with yourself? You will see that you have control issues and need to back off. I understand this is your child. I GET IT...but really? You need to breathe and communicate....

This is the second post in a day about your horrible in laws. I don't know. My in laws do squat for my kids. You seem pretty ungrateful and/or rigid. These aren't infants or toddlers. If that's not it, have your husband set the rules with them and enforce them.

My MIL kept mentioning Disney, etc. to ours.

I pulled her aside (at the time it was first mentioned and I overheard it) and I said "Unless you plan on paying for the whole trip and paying for us to go to, please don't put my kids in this position - you are going to disappoint them").

It came up again at a later date (when kids weren't around) and I said that not only does it put me in an awkward position, it's really mean to do that to kids.

I don't think my MIL ever really got it - she just blurts stuff out without thinking - but I had a talk with my kids and explained the situation. It's a nice thought, but not reality. They got it.

In your case, where his cousins will be going, it may be a bit harder. But really this is a talk for your husband to have with his parents. I usually let my husband handle his family, but I just happened to overhear it and nipped it in the bud.

Have your husband talk to them. Make a decision. And then I would explain things to your son.

It's hard when people put you in awkward positions like that. Maybe they did have good intentions (plenty of people would love the opportunity for their kids to travel with their grandparents) - you won't really know until you talk to them. You seem firm on that they are trying to manipulate you so perhaps there is a history there. More reason to let your husband deal with it.

Good luck :)

ETA

This is "all about you" and nothing to do with your son. Okay? We see this and perhaps you don't. That may be why you got answers that weren't saying everything in your favor.

I truly don't know anyone who asks permission to ask my kiddo to go anywhere or to do something. They always ask kiddo if it's something they want to do. Then they talk to me about it.

I still have the ability to say no or that it needs to change.

But "we" all see this is ALL about you and nothing to do with anyone else. YOU don't like they didn't ask your permission, YOU don't like it they told him with out you giving them permission to tell him.

*****************************
Tell them, next time you are face to face with them, that you have heard enough and YOU are not going to allow your son to go simply because they didn't discuss it with you first.

Then next time they plan a trip and don't invite your son don't say a single word about how he got left out. They are including him in a massive way and they won't be around for very long.

If you don't want them to go alone with him consider planning it as a family trip. What an awesome thing for him to see the world with his whole family.

I don't know anyone who specifically asks a parents permission to mention a trip to their kids.

ADD: COMMUNICATE. That is SORELY lacking in this post, this situation, and the family. Making assumptions, even if they have a habit of doing this stuff, will bite you in the butt. Not talking to THEIR son about the problem isn't helping. Including your son in this issue - HE's ELEVEN - isn't right. Plus he's 11 - the supposed trip isn't for 2 years. There is PLENTY of time to address this.

PLEASE Communicate.

ORIGINAL: Where is your husband in this? They are his parents. He needs to address this with them. Does he agree with you re. the "no" answer? If yes, then he needs to nip this kind of behavior in the bud - not just for this issue, but if they do this kind of sneaky thing in general.

I did get to go to England as an exchange student at the age of 17 and I loved it. I stayed for 4 months. I was on my own - supervisors were in the country with us, but we lived independently.

On a separate note, make sure the "no" reasons aren't just overprotective parent reasons. If they're "real" issues and not just things we do as worried parents, then stick with your answer. But if it's more a parent worry as opposed to a concrete reason, don't let those reasons get in the way of an amazing experience.

Can they adopt my kids? Heck can they adopt me. My kids have one set of grandparents and they rarely ever gift them anything.

You say that you are "probably" going to say no, so there is still hope?

If someone promised my kids something that I will possibly say no to, I don't feel bad about it. I just tell my child "just know, there is a good chance this is not going to happen, so don't get your hopes up. They were wrong to talk to you before discussing this with me and your father. We will let you know our decision."

And yes, I recall this same post a couple years ago. Guess there's other "terrible" grandparents out there.

I totally understand how annoying it is that your in-laws have put you in this position. It is totally rude, and I agree manipulative, of them to not ask you and your husband first.

However, since you don't mention what your reasons are for not allowing your son to have this life-altering experience, it's really hard to side with you.

I really, really, really think you should allow your son to go. There is almost no better education for kids than travel. Your son will change a lot in the next two years; there is a big difference between an 11 year old and a 13 year old. I really think you should reconsider. One of mine went to Europe with his grandma at 13, and had a great time. They mostly did tours.

Do you want to share your reasons for not allowing it? I agree that it's time to be up front with your in-laws about this.

since you mentioned you haven't talked to hubby about this, that'd be my #1 stop. Who knows, they may have mentioned it to him and they assume that's good enough. (Doesn't sound like you feel that is likely but you never know.)

If the relationship with the inlaws is rocky (sounds like it is, and I can sympathize)- next time your son mentions it you could make sure and let him know that the grandparents need to discuss this with you and dad before it is for sure, and everyone has to be on board - and you don't know if it will work out.

For the record, I think it's also inconsiderate of the grandparents to get your son all excited about this, without running it by you and hubby first. I don't get anyone not understanding that. He is your son, after all. And a trip to Europe is HUGE.

-and - I agree with those that said a trip to Europe would be amazing for your son. I know you mentioned more than once that you have reasons for not wanting him to go - so I will also echo what others have said, and hope that you can take an honest look at those reasons before saying no, to be sure it's not just personal bad feelings that are keeping you from saying yes.

Good luck!

You will ever know what is being said until you ask her directly.

Kids say all sorts of things and interpret all kinds of things.

So why not just ask her?

It will open up the discussion, you will feel some control over the situation, and decide from there.

This is a pretty detailed trip to plan in secret anyway, right?

It sounds like there is a lot of background information missing. Sometimes not mentioning it gives the answers more objectivity but may also not be the answer you are looking for.

ETA: it sounds like there is a lot of mistrust with your inlaws, and this behavior is not going to help you gain trust in them.

The best way to deflate the drama of a "secret" in this case is to "get it out of the dark" or in other words out in the open to discuss.

I don't think discussing it gives it power but rather allows you to put it into concrete terms so that your son, you and hubby, and grandparents cam measure the progress of this actually happening ( dates, hotels, flights, cost, itiniery, etc) because frankly until this happens there is no trip.

Until then, when your son brings it up, I would make light of it. I think a lot of other people gave good suggestions what to say to your son.

But if I didn't trust my inlaws I would be very hesitant to send my child.

Let him go or don't. Not my kid, so I don't get any input into that. However, You are aware of this plan (generally at least) and since you have an issue with the way it has been approached (to date) then it is incumbent upon you (and/or your husband?) to address it directly with the grandparents.

"It seems you have promised a trip overseas to Billy, however, I/We haven't discussed this with you and we have not given permission for this to happen. We may not give that permission. We appreciate the desire to give this to Billy, but do not appreciate it being discussed with him as if it's a done deal before actually discussing it with US, first. If he is not allowed to go, he is going to be unnecessarily upset, and we're sad that things had to go this way. It could have been avoided. If you'd like to discuss your intentions, we can do that. But, at least at this time, we are not inclined to permit such a trip."

Why don't you just save up the money and go too? The grandparents might be hoping for a grandkids only trip, but you don't have to hover. Just stay in the same hotel, join them for dinner a couple of times and be nearby should your child need you.

Does this really have to be so bad? As someone in her 40's who's never been to Europe, I'd jump at the chance for my son to go! And I really would start saving money right now so I could go. That's how amazing I think this opportunity is!

Do an end run around them and plan a different trip of your own - cross country driving trip - Grand Canyon, the Badlands, Mt Rushmore, Yellowstone, Las Vegas, etc - which will be more or less when the in laws take off for Europe.
He won't feel he's missing out on anything if he has his own family adventure with his immediate family.

I absolutely understand why this would piss you off.
I'd be having a royal fit myself if this happened to me.
They are making you out to be the bad guy who says 'No' - and I'd be very angry to be put into that position.
I'd have to sit my son down and tell him that you're sorry that others have built up this expectation but it's not going to happen.
If he's going to be mad/upset/disappointed - he needs to direct it at the instigators (the in laws) and not towards you.

Actually - this would make me mad enough that I'd start getting him busy in activities and cut WAY down on time spent with these people.

What are your reasons? It would help me to understand better if I could hear them. It kind of sounds like you want to punish them for manipulating you. The way I think about this is...wow! What an incredible opportunity for your son...how lucky is he to even get this experience. Seriously LUCKY. I wish we had a grandparent offering such an opportunity. Totally amazing. I guess if it were me I would just come out and ask them about it...say: What is this I hear? When were you going to talk to me and husband about it? Can you tell me more about this trip so we can discuss it and decide? I agree that them being afraid of your reaction (they are afraid of you...why is that?) and not just talking to you directly is annoying. But, even so, there is no way I would deny my kid this kind of a trip. I think 13 is a great age to do this...he will remember everything. He will learn so much. He will see so much history, art, architecture, etc., and will learn so much. And being with cousins will make it even better.

It seems pretty simple - you need to discuss it with your in-laws and tell them to stop talking to your son about this trip that may or very well may NOT happen.

I'll assume that being manipulative is their MO. So call them on it and discuss it. There is no reason to not talk to them about it. You have our reasons, he's your kid. COMMUNICATE.

Good luck!

I will assume that your reasons - whatever they may be are perfectly valid. The question is then, does your husband agree with your reasons? If he does then you AND your husband sit your son down and explain to him why he will not be permitted to go to Europe with his grandparents until he is _ whatever age you deem appropriate - knowing you're done at 18 no matter what. THEN, and only then after you've clarified the situation with your own family, does your HUSBAND then go speak to his parents and let them know that their generous offer would be gratefully accepted when the boy is ____ age.

Keep your eye always on the goal - your family's stability and best interest and the best interest in the parenting and upbringing of your child. Period. Be gracious. Be very very clear to everyone involved. Be united with your husband!

I have in-laws exactly like this - consider me:
the voice of experience.

Hi, i know i'm coming in late to this and admit i didn't read every response. i will start by validating your feelings. i think your evaluation is spot on.

my only advice would be to sit your son down and explain to him how things really work. you are the parents and he is a minor child and it is incumbent upon you to ensure his health and safety. his grandparents can play an important role in his life but making unilateral, impactful decisions like this overstep their boundaries and when that happens, it is your JOB as a responsible parent to make the best decision possible for him.

it's up to you to determine if you share your alluded reasons above but i would not advise that, as all it does is drag him deeper into this adult drama that they thoughtlessly started.

i would then have the same exact conversation with the grandparents, slowing your speech down just enough so that they can grasp this very basic concept, of which they should have been completely aware.

reassure your son that your decision has nothing to do with him and it is not punitive in any way, it's simply you attempting to parent him in the most responsible way and make sure you reassure him that all your decisions for him come from a place of love. perhaps you could discuss some alternatives but for now the subject, once thoroughly discussed with all parties, is closed because you say it is closed and because you are the parent. which also means he's not to engage with them on this topic in any circumstance.

sorry to be so long winded...this one really got to me. i wish you all the best in your efforts.

I can understand why you would be upset. He is your son and they shouldn't discuss important things with him without going to you and your husband first. My mother has made decisions with my daughter that she didn't talk to me about first and I had to put a stop to it. They are your kids. My mother helps me out a lot with my daughter but she is still my daughter and all decisions concerning her have to go through me so I can see why you are upset.

I think you should discuss it with your husband and together you should confront his mother. Good luck.

Tell all of them that the trip will have to wait until your son is 18.

I think I'd have my in-laws over or call them up and ask them to tell you about this trip you keep hearing about. Then explain that you don't feel your child will be ready at age 13, but would like to think about it and maybe suggest a later age or having your husband go with them. Just a thought. Open up the dialog so you aren't feeling so controlled by them. It sure sounds a little passive aggressive on their part to me right now. Let that go and be direct and polite to balance things out again.

I have only read a few responses to your post, but I have to disagree with those I read, especially Wild Woman. I don’t think you’re controlling and I don’t think you “created this situation by being controlling.” You are right – YOU are his mother and it IS up to you and your husband whether your son goes out of the country or even down the street. Your inlaws were disrespectful and obviously manipulative to announce to your son that they wanted to do something so big with him without discussing it with both of you. Honestly, even if they did discuss it with your husband first, it should have been a discussion between BOTH of you. This isn’t about taking him to the waterpark next summer. This is taking him on vacation, OUT OF THE COUNTRY, without you or his father. That’s a big deal to me. If they cared about doing things right, they would have known that it is a big deal and addressed it to both of you so that you could both bring up any concerns you have. That would allow you all to strategize and plan this together so that everyone was happy and safe (if you decided to let him go). It’s not like they are new to being grandparents and didn’t think through the consequences of announcing something to their grandchild before discussing it with mom and dad. He’s 11. They know better! I’m personally not comfortable with someone else, including family, taking my son out of the country unless my husband or I were with. If that doesn’t work for you two either, that’s fine! But I do think you should talk to your husband about this and decided what you both feel comfortable with and come to a decision. The longer this lingers, the more upset he will be if the answer is no. Make up your mind and then explain to him what the plan is. Regardless of your answer, you and your husband need to sit his parents down and explain that you two don’t appreciate plans being made with your son without discussing it with you two first. This is especially important if you DO let him go – otherwise, what other big things are they going to do with him/allow him to do while on vacation?

I guess I'd want to know a few more things. Are your in-laws good travelers, in good health, responsible, etc? Are they paying all expenses? Are they familiar with whatever part of Europe they plan to visit, or are they chartering a guided tour? Will they pay for his passport and help arrange for him to obtain the passport?

Yes, I can see where an extended family member buying or planning a large purchase for a niece or nephew or grandchild (a car, a smartphone, a trip) without consulting the adults who are immediately responsible for the child would be difficult. The parents would have to get car insurance, or a data plan, or make trip arrangements. And it might not be something the parents have planned for. It makes things rather sticky sometimes.

However, if the grandparents are experienced travelers, in good health, responsible people (law-abiding, not getting drunk, etc), and paying for this trip, and able to handle a number of children in a foreign and unfamiliar situation, then I might consider talking with them honestly. If the other cousins are good kids, and friendly with your son, I might say something like "I'd like to talk about the upcoming trip, and I'd like you to discuss the trip with us before talking to our son".

But if the stuff you're not telling us, the other reasons, are significant and not just hurt feelings, then that's something only you can decide.

I was wondering if perhaps they really do not want to take him (it is expensive for one thing with other cousins and they would be dealing with you throughout the experience I am sure even if you stay behind which could be stressful for all) AND they are hoping you will NOT let him go which would definitely put you in the dog house, but let them off the hook.For one you make it sound like they want to humiliate you, but perhaps as they say here want to cover their butts. If you say no, they get out of it and they have a pleasant time dealing with the other cousins. Just a thought.