Hw to Help My 4 Year Old Cope with Loss of Grandparent...

I am so sorry for your loss.

We lost my Dad in February after 26 days of in-home hospice. I am raising my 3 year old grandson so he had seen his "Tata" every day of his life since he was 3 months old as several of us live together. He hugged and kissed and talked with my Dad every day, and when my father was too ill to get out of bed I would also take him in when Dad called for him. He even laughed and laughed at something Dad said to him a few days before he passed, a very special memory of their special bond.

I took him in right after Dad passed to hug and kiss him goodbye, and had him in the room with all of us when Dad's body was taken away by the mortuary. The next morning he ran down the hall into Dad's room before I could catch him and when he didn't see him he used the remote to raise the mattress on the hospital bed. And when he still didn't see him he started lifting the deflated air mattress to look for him, it broke my heart. I started explaining right then and there that Tata was not here with us anymore, and that we couldn't see him anymore, which has been the hardest thing for him to accept. He attended the memorial and funeral so has been a part of everything as well.

I remembered that day that one of the brochures the hospice social worker had given me said that if a child is old enough to love they are old enough to mourn. My guy misses his Tata terribly at times, so I printed out a photo of my Dad and put it in a picture frame for him so he can always "see" him. He'll still tell me that Dad "needs to come out of the computer" when he sees his picture on it, or "he needs to get out of Heaven" and even told me about a couple of weeks ago he is going to die so he can go to Heaven. But overall he does very well and it is not as much as the first couple of months.

He talks with us about him, when he looks or acts sad or says he wants to see him I show him one of his pictures and remind him that Tata still loves him very much but that we can't see him in person anymore because he's in Heaven and we're not. He has cried a few times for no apparent reason and I have guessed he misses his great-grandfather, and when I ask him if he does and he says "yes" I hug him and love him and help him through it. I don't talk constantly about Dad or reassure him that he loves him over and over, I want him to see it's OK to go on with our lives and not stay "stuck" in our grief as this is something I was advised. We are talking a lot about preschool starting in September.

The social worker and nurses shared that it is good for him to see the rest of us grieving, it helps him to learn that it's OK and normal, so we do. We're not crying nearly as much as we did in the first couple of months, so he sees we are coping and accepting Dad being gone as well. We went to the cemetery for Memorial Day (Dad wad a veteran) and when we got to his grave and I saw his headstone I burst into tears, as did others. My little guy saw us and looked sad, and we explained that we saw Tata's name on the nice headstone and it made us sad, and he accepted it. I didn't tell him that Dad is there, because he isn't, and I don't want him to think he is there in the way he remembers him, I think that would scare him and make him sadder. But we did tell him we can go there to feel closer to him.

And, the social worker suggested that we make a big deal over Dad's birthday this first year, even if we never had (we did), as a way to deal with the grief and honor him. His birthday is this coming Sunday, but my sister and I couldn't quite face doing it on his birthday, so had a big party on the 4th of July to celebrate all the July birthdays, my nephew's, another sister's, and Dad's all in one. We had a BBQ like the ones Dad loved, an ice cream cake, sang "Happy Birthday" to everyone by name, and had the fireworks to cap it off, it was a day Dad would have loved, and it really helped us. And at our family reunion next month we plan to take a picture of Dad we had blown up and put on posterboard at Kinko's for his memorial, and display it for everyone to see.

The hospice we used offers counseling for up to a year and the social worker said if I feel my guy is struggling to call her and she will set it up for him, so far he is doing well, coping and improving and I haven't needed to. I suggest you find something for your son, a support group for children in your area or possibly a one-on-one therapist. Also, check out your local children's library, ask the librarian for recommendations of books to help your son, there's many good ones out there.

Death is a part of life, and it is sad when little ones have to deal with it, but if we can help them through their grief by acknowledging it, loving them, making them feel secure and helping them remember the person now gone in positive ways, in the long run they will have that love for the person they lost and be happy in the good memories.

{{HUGS}}

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I've had to deal with this on multiple occasions. My mom passed in August of 2008, my father in law passed in January of 2011 and mother in law passed this past April. My nine year old has been affected by all three (she was 5 when my mom passed). Just be as consistent as you possibly can with your son. Allow him to cry and don't worry about him seeing you cry. At this age they don't really understand death, they just know they aren't here anymore. One thing we have done is on the anniversary of their death and/or birthdays, is let a balloon go in honor of them. Especially on their birthdays, telling your son that grandpa is having a birthday party and they need an extra balloon. That'll be your son's gift to his grandpa. All you can do, is continue talking to him as many times as is necessary. I know how hard it is having to do so while you too are still grieving. but it does help you both. Maybe make a scrapbook of pics of him and his grandpa for him to keep. Have him help you with it. Just an idea. My thoughts go out to you. I know your pain all too well. You are doing fine. Just give him your love and patience.

Sounds like normal grieving for a child. You may also want to talk to him about his fears...is he afraid that his grandma is going to die? That his parents are going to die? He may be feeling separation anxiety, too. One thing that we did when my dad died was let the little kids send balloons to him in heaven. We let each child get a balloon, and then they took it to the cemetary and released it to their grandfather in heaven. When they were sad, we let them do it other times where we just went out to the backyard or a park to send balloons up to granddad.

I am so sorry for your loss. My father passed away last August and it deeply affected my three daughters. They loved their papa dearly and coming to terms with the permanence of his death has been very hard. They were 7, 5, and 5 when he passed away. Sadly, because your son is so young, he will probably not retain many of his own memories of your dad. To help him always carry a part of your dad in his heart, I would make him a photo book with pictures of your dad with him and with notes of things they liked to do together. Maybe include special phrases your dad used or little pet names he called your son, etc.

The pain of the loss will get easier for him with time. Children generally don't sustain long term grief at young ages. it's all still very fresh for your whole family. I assume that he doesn't feel like it's his fault that papa died or that he in any way contributed to his death. One of my daughters worried that maybe she could have done something to prevent his death - not to introduce that concern if it's not there... just wanted to mention it. Talking about the loved one is important and helpful however, I had to make sure that in my own grief, I didn't spend all day crying and talking about papa as they needed time to just be regular kids and do the things that they were accustomed to doing before his death. It was important for the girls to see that even though papa was gone, they were loved and safe and healthy and that everything would be okay.

Best wishes to you. It is just so very hard. I am so sorry.

I think he just needs time.